It picked 1. But that is a massive story that I’m not ready to share yet. It involves a trip to America, shitty “friends”, a wild party, a hospital stay, the front pages on all the national newpapers in the UK and some in the US as well as features on the 6 O’clock news, school suspensions, nervous breakdowns, teachers quitting and a family fleeing the US for ten years. No big deal…No wonder I have a wild sex life that I dont mind sharing!
…fucked a fan
The number generator today picked 224. And that means I also have to talk about 223….cause it was a threesome.
I dont know how we started hanging out, but we were at the big backpackers club/hostel in town, and I was sat on a pool table with both of them. Making out with both of them, one at a time. People were certainly interested as we weren’t hiding anything. One was the standard hot aussie, nice body, just hot. The other was a bit more alternative, 224, with dark hair and tattoos. I dont think at that point I had anything to hide from anyone. There wasnt someone I was trying to see or convince I was better behaved than I am. So I didnt care that people were watching me with both of them. We went back to theirs at some point. Not sure if it was a hotel or apartment as half the hotels in aus are mini apartments. But we were on the sofa and somehow they saw my booty shorts I had on under my dress. Now I remember why I had them on. It had been one of those nights where I just wanted to dance. And it was a Sunday, so anything goes. I was frequently getting in dance circles in this club and there was a dude there who was an amazing dancer and we would get lowww for Kanyes Mercy. Like, full splits humping the floor low. So I had popped on my MyFreeCams booty shorts under my dress to preserve some modesty. When 224 saw them, presumably when we were getting naked and messing around in the living room, he pointed them out and said he used to watch MyFreeCams. I told him I had been on there for a few years. He said he mostly used to watch this girl with blue hair and that he had a few shows with her a few years ago….that was me! I was blonde and not doing much camming at the time so he didn’t recognise me. But it was definitely me he used to watch!
We started in the living room, them both on the sofa and me on my kness in front of them, taking my turn with their cocks. I wanted 223 more than 224. We took it to the bedroom and spent a bit of time with all three of us. A cock in my mouth and pussy, taking my turn with them. It was a big white bed with plenty of space for all three of us. There was more of a connection with one of them than the other, though right now I cant remember which. One of them kept leaving and it became less of a threesome than a one at a time.
Women Know Nothing Of The Possibilities Of
For some time I have wanted to write a follow up to the original piece “We Know Nothing of the Possibilies of Sex” that reconstructs the narrative of sex that I had deconstructed. Something that has come up that I wanted to address was womens complicity in the patriacal suppression of our sexuality. I have shared my first piece with a friend who has shared it with other women and men and bblah blah blah
I knew I neeeded to clarify things when my best friend, an enlightened, spiritual woman, told me she had yet another dissapointing sexual interaction where she couldnt get the man to make love to her in the way we have conceptualised, he still just fucked her, despite her explaining it all to him. He didnt spend time on her pleasure like she now feels entitled to, as should all women. He didnt even “pretend to try”. And she also said “Man, I dunno how you deal with bad sex.” That immediately created a very visceral reaction of shock and disgust. What did she mean? How did she think I was still having bad sex? Did she think I was still lying back and letting random men use my body how they wish, with the slight hope that my pre sex chat about enlightened sexuality would change their minds and how they use their bodies in a brand new way to give me the sex I craved? How could she think that still submitting to men giving her their sex was anything like what I had talked about previously? And then it hit me. Since I conceptualised a space for women to explore their sexuality without man taking the lead with pumping and pounding, squashing and overwhelming, I havent talked about the womens role in creating and using that space. It seems that by calling out the problematic elements of male led sex, it gave the impression that it was a male problem to solve. That is ceratainly the message I got from my friend. “I told them all the ideas and they arent doing the thing I want.” In fact, what I have come to know is that it is the female problem to solve. It is women who perpetuate the sexual norms and discomforts put upon them. I know cause I was doing it myself up until very recently. Until last year when I realised I had no space to give anyone my sex, I have been actively making sure I am the one to make the sex I want.
My responce to how I deal with bad sex:
“I dont have it any more! I dont let people fuck me. I fuck them. I take the lead. I make it the sex I want. I tell them what to do and how to do it. I talk to them before about the kind of sex I like and believe is possible and want to explore. I pick dudes who will listen. I dont ever let anyone just have sex with me. I help myself cum in ways I know I can and enjoy.”
“You need to be the one to have good sex. You need to stop letting them fuck you have they want. Its not a option with me.”
“Take responsibility. Dont let them lead. Dont lie back and let them be men. Make love to them.”
“I make foreplay last as long as I want. I tease. Delay. Verbalize. I tell them off. I use their body the way mine used to be used. They are my toy to lie back and let me use.”
“You wont ever have the sex you want, untill you are the one to have it.”
“They dont deserve it if they cant show you they can understand it. They dont get to give you their sex if they cant comprehend recieving yours. End it. Walk away. Kick them out.”
“If a dude puts his hand on my head, I’ll stop and tell him he is never to do that again. Unless a girl asks. I stop sex to teach them. It gets awkward sometimes. It gets worse before it gets better sometimes. But its worth it.”
“The sex space isnt sacred. Its play, practice.”
“In the moment its not a discussion. They dont feel the need to defend themselves. They want to listen and please you. After, talking about it, the ego comes in. Talking about it theorethically is gonna make them reacting. But instructing sexily is heard. Show, dont tell.”
“If you tease and build up slowly and long, and touch them soft. Stop often. Switch between all their body parts. Dont let them move it forward. They can start to see by example rather than words. Make it fun. I never instruct in a teaching way. Unless they do something toxic. But even then I do things to keep it sexual.”
“When it comes to dick time. Dont let them stick it in. Tease yourself with it. If they try and hold it or put it in I smack their hand away and say “mine”, or “oi thats my toy, let me play with it.” Dont let it all in you in one go. Slowly, Bit by bit.”
“Even if they dont like it. I dont fucking care. Cause they get to be the one not having exactly what they want for change. And I’m ok with that.”
This is where her response triggered some bold realisations.
Her: “But yeah I guess I probably think they’ll get turned off or something”.
Me: “So What? You need to take that step where their pleasure isnt your priority any more.”
“I know there is a fear that stops it. As I had it forever. But its that realization that the fear is of nothing. The sex might end. Their dick might get soft. They might not cum as quick. They might leave. And they are all good things. Cause if that is the reaction, then its worth ending.”
“Its only their pleasure the fear helps maintain. By staying in the fear state you keep your pleasure restricted and theirs a priority. This i why I now feel women are just as complicit in the bad sexual practices as men. We choose to put them first. Our ego does it.”
“All they need is to be open to letting you lead and demonstrate. The dont have to learn new techniques or ideas. They only need to give you space. Actual space so youre not squished under them. To move how you want and need. Space as time. Time to go at your own pace. Space in which they can lay back and recieve your pleasure. That makes it less overwhelming and intimidating and threatening to them. They actually have to do less, not more.”
“A good way to talk about it before is by making a new exciting thing you want to try. You have these ideas but want help practiving and exploring. So it can be a mutual trying out. You dont have to pretend to be confident or know what youre doing. Just be passionate about what you want to achieve.”
So what is it we are trying to achieve. I think a good constructive starting point gained from this interaction is the concept of space. Of men not needing to do anything. Of it being a unlearning rather than a aquisition of new skills. The whole point of my first piece and also the following piece on performative sex, was to find a way where the women aquires a new way of having sex. And in order to do this we need space to practive. I am in a priviledged position of experience and confidence in my body and sexuality and abilities, so I am aware of how much of a smoother transition this exploration has been for me than it may be for others. For example my friends reaction was “I hate going on top.” (its definately not that simple) And “That takes confidence. I’ll work on it.” However due to the transitory nature of my life even I havent had the space to deeply explore these ideas. First time sex is definately a place for give and take, normally its all recieving as a woman, but I make sure there is space for me to give and share. I have aquired this space for myself in specific, focused ways.
I make it clear from the start, often before we meet, that I am in no way interested in submissive play or for perpetuating any toxic male dominated sexual norms, like being “rough”, spanking, hair pulling, pounding, contorting. I dont need to be used. I dont enjoy a “good hard fuck.” And if that isnt ok with them then play is not an option. I express my interest in more female domination fetishes, such as pegging and cei and share my professional experience as well as my passion for quality connections even if it is just for one night. I like younger men too. So all of that combined makes it quite clear that I am a confident woman who knows what she wants and likes and isnt afraid to get it. This ensures a dynamic where they are willing to listen and learn. And a excitemnt and curiousity for what I will be bringing to the bedroom.
If the pre sex hang out has become a many hour long deep expose of our life stories, passions, beliefs and experiences in the world then no doubt I will have also touched upon my theoretical exploration of what matriachal sex may be, my interest in how women might want to use the male body and what sex could be if we stripped away all the stories and cultural conditoning of the last 20,000 years around sex.
To me the male body is a beautiful wonder to explore. Each man and boy I get to play with is a gift to unwrap. Women scientifically need longer build up and stimulation before we are receptive to sex and penetration. And rather than lying back and expecting a man to manually stimulate us in what is typically overly aggressive and fast moving forplay for a duration and way that will get us there, I say its on women to create that foreplay space.
Often as this is first time sex, I let a little natural progression start things off. We start kissing, and the passion kicks in. Grabbing, grinding, he may peal off my shirt or start reaching for the go to parks. He may lay me down and try and put his passion onto to. And I let that happen for a few minutes, seeing what he is bringing to the table. I like to give them their traditional space to start with, cause you never know if they may naturally be in sync with you anyway or what interesting style they might have. Butttt usually after a few minutes of this, I am ready to stop it. They may be moving things forward to quickly, or squashing me under thier body, or being tentative and unsure of what to actually do, nervous or over eager to please. We are usually in some awkward positon, just carrying on so as to not draw attention to the fact that we are finally getting it on. So I break away and tell them its my time to play. I move the extra pillows off my bed, rearrange things, and tell them to make themselves comfortable. I create physical space between us and break the passion in favour of practicality. I am basically setting up so we can make the most of the situation. With them reclined on the bed, I take it all in, my new toy for the night. The beautiful boy i am about to get to play with.
I love skin on skin contact. reveling in the feel of someones skin on mine is the natural first step to meeting their naked self. I peel their shirt off, and mine and press our torsos together. I like to hug and be held, slide my arms over their skin, rub my chest all over them. Rub my cheeks against their stomach and chest. We are animals. We should mate like animals. I inhale their smells. Their neck, their chest, their armpits, thier hips. I lay beside them and use my hands and fingertips to carress their body, finding soft spots, senstive places. I start using my mouth too. Tasting, sucking, licking, nibbling, kissing. I put my hands in thier hair. Kiss thier faces. I use and move my body erotically against them in ways that make me feel sexy and feminine, arched back, sliding my body over his. I get ontop and grind myself on the hardening lump in his pants. He doesnt need to lie back like a dead fish. He reacts, makes noises, gets tickelish, gets frustrated, strokes my skin, kisses me back, moves his body against mine, holds me, kisses my neck, sucks on my nipples when i give them to him.
Grinding against pants and often belt buckles and having a dick squished at a weird angle is uncomfortable for both of us. They often go to pull off their pants and underwear for me. But I stop them. I sit back and slowly unbuckle, unbutton, unzip. I start to pull down their pants and make sure they keep their boxers on. I get off him and tell him to get them off, as I remove mine, again keeping my underwear on. Then he can lay back and let me take it all in again. Now we can feel the skin of our legs against each other as well as our torsos. Again I revel in the skin on skin contact and make the most of the small subtle pleasures this affords, slowing things back down. I go back to rubbing my body against his in all the ways I can to feel all of him, moving in ways that make me feel sexy. Stroking, grabbing, licking, biting.
Meeting the penis is a very exciting moment for me. I like to build it up. Tease myself with it. I run my hands over their boxers, avoiding my goal. Along the line of the elastic over their hips. I use my lips and tongue to tease them and find their sensitive spots. I rub their legs, up to the inner thigh. I pull the waistband lower and lower towards their cock. I marvel at the wet patch forming on their underwear. And maybe, eventually, I use my finger tips to get my first feel of their hard cock, stroking through their boxers. I build and build with this play till I’m the one that cant wait any longer, until I am desperate to finally see their cock. I lift the waistband and pop it out with the satisfying thwack of hard cock against stomach, and pull them down, leaving him naked, exposed and hard, aching for more. Kneeling between his legs I slowly start to meet his penis. I talk to it. Use my finger tips to feel the smooth skin stretched over the hard muscle. Wipe up any precum oozing from the tip, taste it. And finally wrap my hand around it to feel all of it. I dont start “wanking” the cock or manually stimualting it in any way. I treat it like the rest of his body I was just exploring, and I go back to other parts I enjoyed, like hips, arm pits, neck. With my panties still on, I can place myself on top so his hard exposed cock can comfortably sit between us while i feel him against my pussy. I get down between his legs, so Im face level with his dick. I dont try and lie next to him so I can kiss and reach down and grope and fondle in uncomfortable positions, awkwardly trying to offer pleasure while maintaining the configuration of sexual norms. I use my face and hands, lips and mouth gently and slowly to explore the penis and often my natural desire to feel it in my mouth takes over and I slip it inside. I dont give a blow job. Im not “good” at sucking dick. I use the dick and my mouth in ways that feel good. I run the tip over my lips, slide my mouth along the shaft, i tickle it with my tongue, I suck on it so I can feel the hardness and smooth skin. I explore his balls and taint. Back to his hips and nips. I start sucking on it, getting more and more passionate and him getting more and more into it, and then stop. I sit back. I fix my hair. Get some water. Smile. Let him know I’m taking my time on purpose. And then go back for more. Over and over. As much or as little as I want.
By now my pussy will be dripping. Litterally. Running down my thighs. Spending all this time on his body, in the ways I enjoy, turns me on way more than a stranger prodding and poking at my pussy with his fingers and tongue in the only ways he knows how, ever could. First time foreplay isnt often going to be what you like. The preconcieved ideas of what foreplay are are already too fast and furious for a woman, going from 0 to vaginal penetration asap in order to stimulate the areas that shouldnt even be touched until we are ready, not to get us ready. Rubbing clitoris, inserting fingers, tongues and mouths on pussies, isnt foreplay, that is sex. This is foreplay. Getting the vagina ready and excited and aching to be touched. Not flogging dead meat to liven it up ready for a cock.
Now, now that Ive built myself up, turned myself on, enjoyed getting to know their bodies, shared examples of touch and time and space that isnt normally available in a first time hook up and feel fully ready, then, then I give them access to my body. As simple as saying “lets switch”, or “your turn”, I lie back next to them and give them space to make a move. This is where things can vary a lot. And this is where I am still open to a lot of dissapointment and get to learn how bad most people are at sex and how little they actually take on board of new ideas. Some, think this means its time to penetrate me. Even though I still have my panties on. Even though they still havent touched my pussy. Some do the standard, uncomfortbale reach down to manually stimulate my pyssy in ways that will always be bad cause they cant see it, or have free hands to access it. Some occasionally grasp the idea of giving back what they just got and like to tease and tickle, kiss and lick. Even more occassionally I get the same quality oral I give. Some elicit orgasms, most dont. Never does anyone plant themselves between my thighs and get their hands and mouths at a comfotable level, to slowly, gently and inquisistively explore my vagina in the way I just met thier penis. They treat my pussy like its as resilient as thier dicks. So I offer constructive criticism and guiding hands on the position or placement of their hands or mouths. I am blown away every single time by how the vagina becomes just the clitoris or vaginal canal. I have outer lips, groin, inter thighs, hips, pubic mounds. It has been known for a decade that the clitoris extends down the sides of the vagina and is able to be stimulated from the outer lips. Yoni massage is a thing on porn sites as well as sexual wellness information online. However, even after explaining how the whole body needs to be a part of sex, and with all this not even that new information on how to stimulate the pussy, only the inner pink slit is ever explored with a touch that is never gentle or exploritory enough.
There will be a moment when penetration is going to be the next step. I dont always get to move this forward the way I want, remeber this is first time sex with a stranger, but in a ideal world, they can lie back again and let me be the one to find the best way to insert the large hard foreidn object inside of me, rather than letting them poke and prod into a unknown space. My ideal way is to use thier cock, again like i did with it through their underwear and slide my pussy up and down the length of their hard shaft, letting my wetness spread over them. I let the tip tickle my inner lips and poke gently at my entrance. My clit rubs against thier stomach as I get used to the feel of their hard cock against my pussy. I tease over and over the tip at the entrance. If I can use thier cick like this to build myself up even more, I can experience a orgamsn when I finally feel them inside me. If they try and guide the cock inside me I swat their hand away and thell them its mine. That I want to do it my way. And eventually when I cant wait any more, not them, i let it slide in, millimeter at a time, slowly, letting my body get used to this foreign intrustion. I revel in the feeling of stretching around him, feeling how hard he is inside me, seeing how much I can fit inside, sliding down till i am filled up. And then, hold. As is customary, this is where they think they can start pumping at it. Wrong. This is where my vagina needs to get used to and enjoy the feeling of them insed me, filling me up, sretching me. The amazing, full, satisfying manly feeling of them inside me. Its heaven. I dont need it pumping in and out to really enjoy the sensations. I need it still so i can feel it, squeeze it, grind down further, deeper, fuller, feel my clit against them. Then slowly slowly we can explore movement.
without sex i am nothing.
without sex i am nothing. i am sat in the library crying cause my body is aching to be touched so badly. Its all ive wanted for the longest time now, like a month. is to just spend time in bed with someone. to feel my skin on someone. to have sex over and over. to be held. and touched. to kiss someone. to have someone touch me like they love my body and what it can do. i feel sick right now.. its so painful i want to vomit. its entirely all consuming. a few hours, a day, a night, isnt enough. i need days to open up and relax and unwind and connect.
laying down with someone i like is when i am happy. peacful, content. no mind. doing what i am supposed to be doing. it is my purpose. and without it i have nothing i like or enjoy. i dont exist.
“Screw Calves and Pecs—I’m a Dick Woman”
Who says there’s no female equivalent of being a butt man, a boob man or a leg man?
…It’s not because I’m not shallow. I’m as shallow as any ass, tit or leg man out there. But I haven’t had my sexual preferences catered to in such a cartoonish, excessive way throughout my life—and so, like a lot of women, I don’t really feel comfortable going around talking about it.
What does that look like, to have your preferences catered to? Think about the first time you opened a Playboy as a kid. You, men, have been fed hundreds of thousands of images of women in submissive, deferential poses in ads and art and porn and films your entire lives. There are entire songs written about women’s body parts: “Legs,” “Ass Man,” and “Baby Got Back” to name a few, to say nothing of various and sundry references to “American thighs.” In women’s corner is that one TV show I Love Dick, which is actually about a guy named Dick and was quickly canceled, even though it was critically acclaimed.
This steady gush of ass-, tits- and legs-ism has deeply shaped your way of thinking about women’s bodies. So when you sit around and rank women’s body parts by your personal preference, you are participating in something called “dismemberment,” which sounds pretty gruesome!
It’s cultural conditioning. In other words, it’s not that women don’t fetishize men’s body parts or their bodies. Hooboy, do we! We just don’t have the privilege of being indulged and encouraged, and in control of most art and media, so that we can sit around ranking this shit all day long as if we’re piecing together our dream guy like in that accidental documentary about misogynistic nerds called Weird Science.
Before you go parroting back some old myths about men and sex — that you’re more visual, that you need sex more, that you’re hornier, that you can’t help it — you should really read some Daniel Bergner.
He’s a man who did journalistic research interviewing dozens of experts and reviewing the existing literature and found that everything we think we know about female sexuality is probably wrong. Women are hornier, lustier, more visual and into more novel sexual experiences than men. They are far more bored by monogamy than men.
Tracy Moore
…I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it
i guess i know if it was good sex, when i wake up horny and masturbate without porn to the memory of the sex. this isnt something that happens often. any of it. the sex good enough or the masturbating to a memory. that is how today started.
after previously deciding i was done with using people solely for sex and wanted to spend time with people in their territory, doing activities, valuing them as a human, swearing off “hangout” dates and looking for hot men for sex on dating apps, I endered the horny phase of my monthly cycle and threw all my new resolve out the window. I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it, even if its just once more to convince me not to again.
I cant be bothered to write about how i found the one i did and the ups and downs in between. but safe to say it was as annoying, time consuming, overwhelming, underwhelming and frustrating as always. Im skipping to the starting a conversation with him part. Cause I think we only started talking like a hour before he came over. I had actually messaged him first. Days later he replied. We started messaging back instantly. But it was already 9:30 and he actually wasnt someone I had been planning on using for sex. he was my age and kinda interesting. So i didnt think the coversation was going to lead to meeting up. By 10 we had decided he was coming over. By 10:20 he was here. I had said I was going to bed a midnight so there was only time for a quick chat really. But he was hot. And it was exciting. And I knew pretty quickly that no sex was no longer a option.
It was nice to talk to a grown up for a change before sex. Definitely easier when someone has a large amount of life experience also. When we first kissed it was bad. Like bad bad. Like oh shit, I think I might end up having to ask him to leave if the sex is as bad as this kissing. Like I have to tell him how bad it is. Several times. But all of a sudden something changes and it starts working and hes layed me down and is holding his tight body firmly against mine, grinding into me, his hands squeezing my tits. I moan loudly against him as I finally start feeling the sensations Ive been craving so hard. That firm touch, hard muscles, soft skin, wet pussy, clit grinding, hard cock against me, skin tingling, body aching, feeling.. My brain starts to fade away and all the sensations and my body takes over. Stages of clothes come off in random orders and after just about the right amount of time, I am naked and he is in his soft briefs. I finally get to feel his skin against mine as he lays on top of me again. My legs wrap around him and in a firm tight embrace we grind and work our bodies, feeling the soft, smooth skin all over me, pressing and squeezing ourselves together using our muscles against each other. And I know its gonna be good sex. This shit is my jam. And it tends to be found in older males, of his type. I was so releived. It turned around and I no longer had any worries of having to kick him out.
The first time we fucked he stayed on top of me the whole time. There wasnt much between kissing and him being inside me. But that is what i wanted. It was the way his body moved with mine that was feeling so good and i wanted to keep going. We didnt need foreplay. We wanted to what we were, but with my pussy squeezing his cock aswell. He had a nice dick. Not huge, but just the perfect size so that when he pushed himself as deep inside me as he could, it pressed up against my cervix in a very, very pleasurable way. That only happens when I’m super turned on. It can hurt. A lot. But it felt so good. Slight position changes were made and legs moved as we moved against each other, pressing deeper and firmer for more pressure and stimulation. It went on for longer than I expected and I was finding it deeply satisfying, litterally, even though I wasnt feeling orgasmic. When I really need sex I just want the feeling of a dick inside me. To be filled up, entered, stretched, to feel the weight of a man behind it. And the way he worked it deeply inside me was exactly what i needed. We used a condom so we kept entwined until he came hard inside me.
After a little break I ended up on top of him this time, with him on his front, so I could marvel at his amazing bubble butt. Boys who ride bikes have amazing bums. I massaged and tickled his ass and stroked his back until he was too turned on and rolled over underneath me so I could slide down on his cock. I was so wet from playing with his ass and when his dick hit the right spots inside me, my pussy juiced flowed. I rode him hard, deep, fast, slow, grinding, circling my hips, burying my head in his neck, sittting up and hitting my head on the air conditioner. Again it wasnt orgasmic for me. It nearly was. But it wasnt. But again it was the right kind of sex for me and that depth and firmness is so satisfying.
oops next dates here
…Said No To Sex
Saying no to sex doesnt seem like a radical concept. But to me it is.
Men will, pretty much, fuck anything. I, intentionally, am very particular with who I meet up with off dating apps and who I even spend too much time talking to in public because I know, ultimately, or even initially, that those men will want to fuck me. Being an attractive, white, middle class, intelligent, sexual woman will do for all but the most picky of penises. It is not my ego saying this. It is the understanding of my physical privelidged, place in the world and how men react to it. Im not saying they all wanna fuck me and not other women. They just want a vagina. And mine is good enough for pretty much anyone who wants a fuck.
I, however, am not like that. Yes I like as much dick and boys as I can get. But my standards stop me being ok with just fucking anyone. Ive had more than enough sex for the sake of sex. Im not that desperate. I dont like my orgasms tinged with the regret of knowing Im batting below my average. I have higher standards for the men I sleep with.
So, I make sure I only meet up with men who I have already decided I want to fuck. They have to look they way I want them to, and we have to interact in a way I like, then we also have to be on the same page sexually, before I consider meeting them. That way I dont have to reject them at some point. I dont have to worry about figuring out if I am going to want to sleep with them. I dont have to worry about how the nights gonna go, cause its gonna be sex.
Another reason I have to be sure I want to be having sex with these boys before we meet, is cause meeting someone seems to have been reduced to pretty much always sitting in the bus, or occasionally thier house, smoking weed and explaining my life and purpose to them for hours and hours, into the early morning, before we tiredly finally start making out and have some boringly normal sex, even if its good, its never anything more than exciting first time sex. I dont choose to talk about my life for hours, but 99 times out of 100, i have lived a richer and more varied life than anyone Im talking to, so they can’t help but keep asking questions, and I, and the weed, cant help but reply and go deeper and keep talking. Pretty much every experience I have is the same with all men. Because it becomes about me so quickly. I start with the intention of listening and learning, but it never ends up that way. Its just another person to bounce myself off of and see myself reflected in.
Same goes for the actual sex I have. Its all the same. Cause I control the room. I give myself good sex with whoever happens to be providing the penis, cause I know how to have good sex. They are a canvas for me to have sex on. They arent bringing me anything new or different, except a different technique to the standard routine they know to act out. Cause most people only can comprehend, what to me, is the standard routine. So its up to me to break that enough for me to get sexual pleasure from the sex rather than just submit to letting each new and lesser experienced men show me how their limited and repressed sexuality manifests iteself on my body. They are there to mirror my sex back to me.
And this isnt satisfying me any more. Any of it. The same conversations with a different face and slightly different personal take on life and their experiences and reactions to my concepts accompanied with average vanilla sex, that is basically me using them to wank with. I have become the problematic man who uses women for their bodies, and doesn’t value the individual. And as some of those men do, I have come to the realization I need to stop using people and interacting with people solely for sex.
Cause my standards are high, I spend a lot of time and energy looking for dick just to satisfy my bodies needs. I do notice a change in my mental and physical health if I go too long without physical touch, intimacy, and sex. So I am aware I have a real need to still have sex someway, some how. By the time I find someone to satisfy that sexual need, that lives up to my standards, whilst constantly travelling and moving to new places, I am desperate for sex. It is all I want from that interaction. Ive waited so long to find it, they better be up for a good 24 – 72 hours of being locked in a room with me to get all my sexual, intimacy and connection needs fulfilled by them. And that normally works. It satisfies me. It gives me life. It makes me glow.
That didnt happen after the last sex fest I had tho. The opposite was true. Which has lead me to muse on and try and grow from the experience and come to the conclusion I am ready to move past these interactions. I need something different for it to work for me. In the rest of my life I am making a huge effort to not waste time and make my life as good as I want it. So I have to extend the courtesy to my sex life and how I interact with other humans. I dont want to have to sit and re hash my life for hours while I sit at home talking to a stranger I wont see again. I dont value those conversations. I dont value that time. I hate seeing my energy drained by lesser entities sucking the life from me as entertainment. I dont let men pay to have deep conversations with me online. So why let someone take my time up with it for free? I want to use the time with other humans in a way that works for me.
Until this point it felt like sex and connection was a nice way to spend my time. But even now saying that, I am aware I have felt this before. And not just once. So this isnt the first time Ive stopped valuing these one dimensional interactions. But I think its the first time I have felt like other people can enhance my life and I can enjoy other people, in a different way. I live full time travelling the country, mostly in areas packed with similar people doing all kinds of amazing activities. I only hike. But I’m desperate to do other activities. And I’m desperate to spend time with someone who is the expert in the dynamic. In a sexual/date/meet up scenario, I am the expert, the teacher, the one controlling the room, impressing someone. I want to spend time with people doing the things they are the expert at, are passionate about or want someone else to do an activity with. I want to try out climbing, riding a dirt or mountain bike, off roading, ski-ing, snowboarding, kayaking, paddle boarding, jet ski-ing. Anything. All of it. I am surrounded by experts in outdoor activities. Impress me with your abilities. Show me how good you are at the thing you love. Dont just sit in a room and talk to me about my journey. Take me outside and show me why you are alive. Lets LIVE. Let me interact with humans without me being the one giving someone else a special, unique, new, exciting, good, experience. Let me be the one to take something from an interaction for a change. Fill me up with your competency and experience rather than draining me of all of mine.
Unless you are doing something, nothing is real. Sitting in a room and talking isnt really a reality. Nothing is happening. You arent doing anything. Its all just concepts and words. Its such a waste of time. I’m done with talking. Let DO something. Male, female, gender non defined. Lets stop talking about experiencing life and do it together.
I know there is a large percentage of the population who would think meeting someone and doing something with them is dating 101. People who expect that. People who get taken out and impressed, bought dinner, gone hiking, spent time and money together, and expect to not even have to worry about ending the “date” with sex. Cause that just isnt what they do, or what they consider shouldn’t be done, or even happens, in general. But Ive never been one of those people. Like I said at the start, I know men want to fuck, so I have always been ready for them wanting sex immediately and provided it. Not all men expect that. But I expect it to be like that. I don’t like arbitrary games. I think women “holding out” out of a need to feel valued by a certain amount of time passing before sex, is gross. Non sex interactions, to me, seemed like a waste of time from getting to the point of why we are meeting anyway.
For the longest time, what really does it for me in men, is really really hot men! 10s. Great faces, perfect ripped bodies, big dick, good style. A few people have won me over with personality so they look like 10s to me, but the rest of the men I sleep with are just sub par conquests, 8s, which isnt bad, but also doesnt give me the satisfaction sexually or mentally I need to make vanilla sex worth it and exciting. I now understand how rare it is for me to find a man attractive enough for me to be satisfied with just vanilla sex. Which means I can stop looking for attractive men to have vanilla sex with. Its a bad investment of time and energy. I want to spend time with people to have a good time doing an activity while I get to know who they are, see them being a human, exist together in reality, which may or may not end up with sexual activity based on how we interact doing things and not just sitting and talking. They don’t have to be 10s. I dont have to want to fuck them before I even meet them. They just need to be interesting and adventurous for day time activities. Any sexual chemistry would be a bonus, not expected.
Sexually, I am going to have to focus any energy I want to spend on looking for sex, looking for the kind of sex I actually want to have. Experimental, kinky, very non vanilla, with people who are experienced to some level at such play. I dont need boys who want to try stuff. I dont need to be the teacher or convince vanilla boys to do things for the first time. I want someone who has a rich sexuality to engage with in a adventurous way where we both explore our sexual interests and dont waste time talking about life, death and the universe as some kind of faux way to feel like you respect each other enough to boringly bone. I dont want a dick pumping at my vagina. I want to explore my Domme abilities and play with kinks that arent about the pussy or cock. I want to keep fulfilling my fantasies rather than rehashing the limited sexual box most people live in. I have so much more sexual experiences to do and try that would be a much better use of my time, abilities, experience and body. I deserve that.
I am continually growing, evolving and learning what is right for me and how that changes. As I honor and love myself more deeply and respect the goddess I am, I realize I can keep raising my standards and expectations around the sex I have and the people I interact with.
Which takes me to last night. Where I met up with a guy off Bumble. In my new mindset, I decided to look for men around my age, as they are likely more experienced, accomplished and should be pretty good at the activities they like by now. And what ends up happening….I spend the night sitting in my bus smoking weed, talking about my life and the universe until past midnight, where he makes a move he’s clearly been desperate to make the whole time he was here. The kissing was bad. Like bad bad. I didnt want to be kissed. I had been accepting his lighter moves like touching me. But I had not met him for sex. I had no intention of having sex. I had no intention of letting this night unfold like every one before. So after a short amount of kissing which felt like wayyyy too long with his cold, open mouth on mine, in such a awkward, uncomfortable union, I pulled away and said, “I need to let you know I dont plan of having sex tonight.”
I could go on to unpack how fucked it is that kissing a woman basically means sex is going to happen and you can’t enjoy goingly slowly and revel in the moment and feel comfortable knowing the man isnt going to move to the next “base” without talking or consent. But, ugh, I just cant be bothered.
So, after I made that statement, I kept on talking about how and why I wasnt able to have sex with him. Which he pretended to be totally fine with. Obviously he wanted sex. But he was ok with respecting my wishes. To the point where he said I dont even need to explain anything, a no would be fine. However, this was a new experience for me, saying no, and I wanted to move through it conciously. I wanted to talk to him about it. Wanted to share the reason for my anxiety behind saying no and expectation I aways feel to have sex. To muse on how I’m trying to move past me being the one using people for sex.
A lot of people are of the mindset that you dont say certain things, or you dont need to explain yourself or whatever. But I believe the only way to grow and be a better version of yourself is to be concious and aware and open and share. You DO need to talk about problematic things for you and other people. You do need a meta awareness of and interaction with, any situation or relationship you are in. You do need to be able to talk and think about the thing, be it a personality, a interaction, a event, a relationship, a conversation, etc, from the outside, an observer of the thing, ego free, working towards making your reality better. Ignorance isnt bliss. Awareness is.
The conversation with him, about my choice not to have sex, was helpful, if a little difficult. But we managed to hang out another 15 or so minutes before he excused himself for the night and went to bed. It was kind of a mutual decision about how late it had gotten, cause for me, it had already gone on two hours too long and I was late for bed. I had previously decided I wasnt going to let this happen, as the late nights and schedule disruption are another way my interactions with men are disrespecting my time and energy, and another example of how I let the situation wash over me in the moment and dont stick to my behaviors I am learning I need, to honor myself. And yet, here I was, 1am, still awake, high as fuck, needing a late night snack to cope with the stress, because of someone else. I didn’t honor myself. I didnt say I needed to go to bed at 11pm. That it was important to me. Cause we are taught to, and to value, especially women, putting others first, going out your way for someone, putting your needs on the back burner cause doing you is selfish. So now today, my energy is slightly drained from him verbally sucking my life out of me, and keeping me up later than I intended. But, I didnt end having sex I didnt want to have to the list of ways I didnt honor myself. And that is the biggest step of all. The other bits are the dressing. Things I can work on. Holding strong to being myself, and my routine, while finding ways to spend time with other people.
This is another reason I want to meet people to do activities. I want to get up at 6am and go to bed at 10pm. I dont want to sit up late at night talking. I want to use the day, not waste the next day by wasting my time doing something the night before I dont want to do. And I shouldnt have to do something I dont want to and doesnt fit with my schedule, just to spend time with a stranger.
I rushed into meeting this man, without my energy being fully restored from the last sex drain, on the week before my period where I suffer from PMDD, as I wanted to test myself. See if I could stay strong in meeting someone without the intention of having sex and respecting my sexual, social and schedule boundaries. Despite it not all going to plan and feeling more drained today, physically and mentally, I feel it definitely helped me grow and guide me from the path I’ve been on and strengthen my resolve to find a new way for me to interact with humans and sex. So next time someone suggests we “hangout”, my new answer will be No!
Connecting
I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome, so I took this as a warm up. I had lots of orgasms, i think. I dont really remeber as we got wild high. But I get orgasms, so i assume i had lots. In the morning before he went to work I got him to give me a proper dicking, so that was a nice few minutes before he rushed off to work. I knew the threesome thing wasnt 100% even though we had extended the hotel another night for them, as, well, people are people. Ideas are great till it comes time to do it. So I thought it was worth getting some back up dick in that day, while I had the hotel to myself, to make sure I got the dicking I wanted to in that hotel, after looking forward to it for the last sex starved month. I found a boy on tinder who I thought was worth it. Its a fairly hard to describe the process of decisions that lead me to decide who I will meet or even talk to. Its much more of a sense. A mutual rhythm. Using my intuition. A bit of online stalking. Schedules lining up. Equivalent energy. I can go weeks or months without finding someone I align with. Then boom it happens and Ive usually met them within a few hours to a couple of days. Anyway, he was one of them. Ish. Cause I really just wanted dick. I dropped a lot of the filters I usually use and focused on his face. It was really good. Butttt as I hadnt used my other filters, when I met him, I saw all the signals I had missed and would usually have picked up on and moved on from. But it was fine. I was high as fuck and gettting off on the idea id just ordered this boy over to my hotel to use his pretty face and dick. I giggled while we smoked in the bus and he talked about some shit. I wasnt listening. I was giggling thinking of how cute his face was and how I just wanted to take advantage of him. I grinned thinking of how in control I was and how I would be fucking him soon. Taking joy in objectifying him while he carried on talking about some other shit. He wasnt a 10, or anything close, he was kinda weird, but I wasnt looking for a connection. I wanted a good fucking. After drawing out the talking and flirting to the point of awkwardness, I jumped on him. I dooo like making them wait, even though I knew already it was on and I didnt need any convincing or connection before hand. In fact only one I can remeber has had enough balls to just come and meet me and take me immediately for a long time. They normally happily (probably not really) sit around talking about some deep shit for hours before we establish enough of a mutual understanding to move forward physically. Which Im getting pretty sick of, which is basically what this story is about me unpacking. So ill get back to the narrative to finish the story before I explore the point of it. Basically, finishing the aside, the 20 year old who came in the bus the first time meeting me and just grabbed me and kissed me was fucking amazing. This dude wasnt that. So eventually I jumped on him. And he was actually really sexy. I was happily suprised. He had good moves. I dont remeber his kissing or cock tho. That sex amnesia! I blame it on my god like ability to be super present in the moment so that time and space no longer exist and i am only sensation. I have no body parts, I am just a quantity of energy experiencing pleasure. My body moves without direction. I have no brain. I become animal. My vagina is the drivver of my body. Ecstacy its motivation. There is no bed, no room, no tomorrow. There can be another entitiy there with me or I can be experiencing it entirely alone. However the people I feel i can bond with are the ones who can have the same experience of sex. I also hope for some I have facilitated a space to explore that with no judgement. But that was just supposed to be a quick point about why i dont remeber this boys cock. It could also be cause I saw a lot this week! The first sex was good and long. The second was less good. Cause I got way too tempted to let his cock slip inside me for a second before I put the condom on cause Im really selfish in bed and the combination of the pre sex teasing, the naughtiness of not using a condom and the sensitibity of my pussy, I can come instantly from that. Which is exactly what happened. I had planned on whipping it out, shoving a condom on it and carry on fucking him for a while. However, me cumming made him pull out and cum all over my leg. Which was frustrating on so many levels. First and foremost, that he was that close to cumming inside of me, when i was just trying to cop a sneaky feel of his dick. (yes I know I am not in a position to blame him for this, but i was mad). Also the post no condom moments tend to feel worse than the pleasure gained from the taboo kink I experience in the moment. And then also that meant no more orgasms for me. So I said I had to work, which I did. And sent him on his way. He wanted to meet again. But I did not. I worked for a bit on cam and then got ready for the couple to come over. I was super nervous as Id never been in this situation before. It was like being set up on a date with a fuck buddies girlfriend. It wasnt like that, it was that. However I know life isnt porn so I also knew that sex might not even happen. I knew they wanted to talk about some potential porn ideas and that we would all have a lot to talk about anyway as I find them very interesting. So I was open to have whatever needed to happen, happen. We texted a bit when they were on their way about how nervous we all were, which was cute. Then eventually, they arrived. She was gorgeous. Like beyond. So totally different than i imagined her. We ended up sitting on the bed and got chatting. And we got deep pretty quickly. What they ended up needing was a space to talk about some ideas they had with each other, but with a third, non judgemental party, to mirror themselves back to each other, in the room. And it was lovely. I got to help two amazing people realize things about themselves and each other that will create positive growth for them as individuals and the relationship they are navigating. She did end up getting cross faded and vomited the last couple of hours till they managed to leave. Which is totally my fault as I kept handing her the vape pen cause she seemed to be enjoying it so much. After they left I smoked a bit more and watched some arrested development, content despite it being such a different experience.
I am battling so hard with myself right now about what to write about what is next. I want to write that I dont want to write about it. I also want to say it was too gross to talk about. But it wasnt at all. At the time it was lovely. But right now. Gross. I seem to have gained this retrospective disgust over mens looks. When I look back at someone I fucked a few days later, I have started to sometimes feel repulsed I let them have sex with me. Despite even feeling a connection at the time. And desire. But when all that is gone I am dissapointed with my standards. That is kind of another theme of this musing on all the sex I had. I think I have this for like 3 of the 4. To differeing degrees. Which is why Im looking into my motivations for sex through this story, see what mistakes im making. See what isnt serving me and what isnt helping me grow and move past it so i am able to have more positive and healthy sexual relations in the future. Before the sex drought I had sex with two boys. One did the post sex revulsion thing to me. The other didnt. I swore I wouldnt let that happen again. I thought Id understood the level i needed. But I think I have still underestimated my new standard. I dont know if this standard has arrisen from a deeper self worth, from my self love and understanding growing so intense, or from having been spoilt over the years with getting to fuck the hottest men ive ever seen. But my standard now is high. But that makes it so hard to get sex.. And I dont get any where near the amount of sex i want or need as it is, without having to adhere to my standards aswell! This is why i miss legal sex work. I got all the sex I needed and wanted and wasnt grossed out by the men cause they were balancing the equation with cash. I like to be able to look back on the men Ive fucked and still get a boner over them. Like the 20 year old. And sometimes they are still hot but go batshit crazy. Like sectioned crazy. So I wouldnt fuck them again. But still. They were Hot. Boner.
So now Ive softened the blow/made it way worse, I will say, in retrospect, I dont love what follows. I dont want to detail it really. ill bash it out and see what happens. The next one i spoke to the night before. we spoke again the sunday morning and made plans to meet. he/she was interesting sexually and had similar interests to talk about. we met. i ate food. we talked good shit. it was interesting. we went back to the bus. I had parked in the transit center. Which is where we fucked. I got to fuck him in the ass with my strap on. I wanted to get what I wanted out of it cause he wanted to “groom” each other and some sensual shit. It ended up being sex. Pegging then sex. With his tiny finger penis. I feel so bad being mean about it. I was nice in the moment. He is still a decent human adn the intereaction was valid and real. but. it just wasnt hot. We cuddled and sexed again before he left. That will do.
I parked up at walmart for the night and ate cake to recover. The next morning I went and bought a new phone holder for the window of the bus. when i was back in the bus fixing it, i noticed a boy in a van in the spot in front of me. He looked pretty cute, so i messed around with the phone holder for about 15 minutes longer than i needed to while i watched him and we smiled and waved at each other. I went back in the bus and was getting ready to drive off when he came over and asked if i wanted to smoke. His giant dog came in the bus and I did really well at being totally fine with it. We smoked a few bowls, a joint and chatted and laughed for a a few hours about life on the road mostly. And he was way cuter than Id thought when I saw him out the window. I was crushing on him. But he had to go to work. We swapped numbers and said we would meet up again. I was super excited and like a teenager for the rest of the after and was super excited about seeing him again. I got to my favorite spot here in this area and let him know where I was. He ended up getting off work early to come out and meet me. This was about 9pm on the Monday. I was cooking dinner, so we ate and talked for a while. There were about 3 or 4 awkward silences that could have been filled with me making a move, but I was making sure he was wanting me to! Eventually I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. We spent the next 40 hours naked in the back of my bus, smoking, talking, eating, sexing. I had a lotttt to tell him about what to do and not to do with my body. It was hard work at times, but he was trying and geting better and better. He took all my constructive critism so well. I do like giving people a hard time when I like them, its a english thing. So I teased him about the things I was trying to get him to change too! It takes a certain type of character I value highly, to not take yourself too seriously and to laugh along with someone pointing out a character or behavioural flaw. I need people around me to be self aware and to not have strong or fragile egos. There were moments when I felt like i was using him to access the sexual meditation i described earlier. He wasnt used to a woman directing the sex so didnt know how to react to it. It felt like he was just letting it happen to him. Which is exactly what I think a lot of sex is like for men. As women let sex happen to them as that is the way it is meant to be. I knew my actions werent gettting him off and he didnt know how to access the supportive role I need from a man. I dont expect a stranger to be able to react to me or my body like that the first time we fuck. But I do like a man who can let go to the pleasure in the moment and not even worry about how to react to me. I would indulge myself for a bit when I felt him just recieving my sex, but would pull myself out of it to reconnect with him. His dick was nice. Biggest Ive had in a while. A nice handful. It didnt make me sore though. Which is perfect. His body was nice. A active human. Not skinny, some definition. He was sexy. I have a medium boner over him now. It was a really nice time. Lots of being cute and connecting. Cuddling and looking at each other. Some tears shed. Ive had a few of these type of experiences over the last year and I manifested this one into existence. I think I thought I was craving this type of deep connection. That just sex wasnt good enough unless its with a 12. So I needed this. And then it arrived at my door. I remeber talknign about how I had stopped valuing “connections” a couple of years ago, with Kate, cause I connect with everyone. And that is kind of how I feel after this weekend. There was so much sharing. So much connecting and explaining. So many valuable conversations. That they start to loose their value.
Now Im craving a 12 that wont really even talk to me. Lets connect over sext about how hot we are. Then come let me worship at the alter of male perfection. I want to lick 8 abs. And a sex V. I want tanned smooth skin. I want some shitty tattoos. I want groomed body hair. I want soap and aftershave. I want to show off all the skills ive learned to try and be the best sex hes ever had, even if im not the hottest. Cause he is so hot he would get any woman in the world. I want my body used and manipulated for the male pleasure it was designed for. Revel in the pleasure I want to give.
Its like some kind of in built animal hiarachy in me. Lesser physical specimines of men than myself are there to serve me and my pleasure, give me orgasms, listen to and adopt my suggestions, behave. But men I am lesser than make me want to serve them. To be the provider or orgasms, the performer of pleasure. Dont get me wrong. Give me a 12 that wants to do exactly the same shit as me anyyyday. But that is some unicorn fantasy bullshit I wont even entertain the idea of for the pain it would bring me every day that it isnt in my life.
Or maybe all this is, is sex addiciton? Always needing new, more, different. Ive had my fill and thrill of “connecting” and now I need hot sex and weirder sex. Or it could just be the natural fluctuations of my sexuality and needs? Sometimes im loving and open, sometimes im hard and mean.
I dont want to feel bad about anyone I have sex with. But I cant find a balance of keeping my standards to what i enjoy and getting enough sex to keep me mentally and physically healthy. This week has been a trial and error review of trying to find what i need. I feel blank and empty. Drained. I dont feel sexually satisfied. Nor aesthetically satisfied. I feel like i had a low standard version of everything ineeded. and that doesnt feel good. and it doesnt make me feel nice sayimg it. I cannot express enough how this isnt any reflection on the people i spent time with. this is just my experience of an interaction with them and its impact on me. I still value these people for who they are and the time they spent with me and what they gave me. I am not saying they are lesser than me. I am exploring how I am not valuing the connection, that was real, as highly in my needs to be satisfied. I am not unaware that connection and giving is a two way street and for some people, especially males, its much harder for them to give, than a woman who does it professionally. But it wouldnt be fair to me to write something that isnt true. If i did that, this whole thing would be pointless.
This is ultimately the journey I am on in life. One of finding the sexual balance in my life that works. I continue to explore what I enjoy, need, value and want. And hopefully after I regain my energy from the last week, I will be able to understand more than I did before it.
Painful to read. Agony to share. But a adreniline rush to do.
One sentence changed my entire life.
One sentence changed my entire life. I remeber it and pin point the second my life changed. And as I am sitting here thinking about it, I realise, there were two pin pointable moments. Maybe even three.
The first was when I was 15. I had gone to Tower Records in town to a record signing by Muse. I skipped school in the afternoon with a girlfriend to go. In the line in front of us were two cute boys. One with blonde ringletted hair, the other, stockier with dark hair. Both wearing flares and generally being cute boys. At some point they mentioned that they were going to The Flapper and Firkin pub on friday night to see a band. That was my shit, and I wanted to bump into these two boys again and have a reason to talk to them, so I made note of this and decided it would be a good idea for me to go. I managed to convince a family friend to be allowed to come out with me to the pub, a first time for both of us. None of my school friends were allowed to go to the pub. I dont really know why I was! I had braces. I wore flares and addidas shell toes. We werent at the pub long before I genuinely ended up at the bar behind the two boys I had hoped to bump into. I tapped them on the shoulder and said “Hi, were you at the Muse signing the other day?”. Obviously they were. One showed me his shoe he had gotten signed by them and conversation ensued. I ended up dating the stocky one. And then becoming part of his friendship group. One girl becoming my best friend. I cheated on him with the curly haired boy, which started after we went shopping for my boyfriends birthday presents together. He was the third ever person I slept with. I never did with the boyfriend. We would hold hands under the table at the pub while my boyfriend sat on the other side of me. He would rub my leg while my boyfriend kissed me. We would met up and secretly talk all the time. It was the only time I ever cheated and it was so fun as a teenager and it didnt really matter. Obviously neither of those relationships lasted long. I made art about the people I met. They became my main friends. I started partying at indie pubs and discos all the time with them. From there I met so many people, my next group of friends, my first love, I had so many amazing experiences, discovered so much and got to have fun I never would have for the next few years if I hadnt heard those two boys saying where they were going and when.
The second was one night while I was out partying at my old student union when i was 21. I had graduated a year before and gone back for my friends night. I was going through the “new rave” phase and was dressed ridiculous. I was doing my own version of breakdancing…drunkly doing backflips while dancing like i was in a 90s music video. When I went to the toilet, one of the girls who had been DJing came into the hall after me and stopped me to say “who are you? what are you?” She introduced herself as being one of the Queens of Noize. She told me she Djed at festivals and clubs all over the country and world and she wanted me to be their dancer. We chatted and hung out and I took her and the other half of the duo to a house party after the club. A great time was had by all. Several days later I ended up going with them while they took private cars around London to see different bands they knew play, went to a indie dog show and then they DJed at a couple of different parties. I met loads of celebs and danced the night away. Within a week I was working as their assistant. I spent the next 4 years working in the music industry. They managed Florence and the Machine, Djed, had a radio show on the BBC, and started a crazy night club that got to be a stage show. I got to be their assistant on everything they did. I got to do everything from designing flyers and art work, to tour managing, digital marketing, running the night club, book keeping, dancing, booking festivals and events. And I even ended up DJing myself and got to have sets all around London, in Paris and during their stage show at all the major and some minor UK festivals, like Glastonbury and Bestival. If that woman hadnt seen me and come and asked me who I was that night, I wouldnt have had the best and most incredible 4 years possible. I fulfilled so many fantasies, became friends with people whos posters I had on my walls as a child and so many things I couldnt have even dreamed of doing.
The last one, and probably the most life changing, the one that started me thinking about this, was while I was still working for the Queens. I was the liason for a boy who was doing some design work for us but lived out of town, so we communicated via email and messaging. It didnt take long for us to establish we found each other attractive and our messaging quickly turned sexual. Turns out we were both pretty dirty and we would often Skype each other while I did terrible things like piss on myself in the bath then fist my pussy and fuck my ass. He had such a big dick. I was enjoying my highly sexal life at the time, meeting guys off dating websites for sex, being the go to girl for any dude I knew in the real world to cyber sex with in the early days of facebook messenger, and had discovered chatroulette and would spend hours online masturbating with disembodied dicks on webcam. One day while messaging with the boy he asked “Have you seen MyFreeCams? Its loads of girls doing sexual stuff on webcam for money but its free to watch.” This might have been the most life changing sentence in my life. I went to look at it and became facinated with the girls. Within a few weeks I had decided to start doing it myself despite a couple of people i sounded the idea off against, mostly saying it was a bad idea. Infact, it was the best idea i had since saying yes to the Queens 4 years before. My first month on webcam I was the 39th highest earner on a site with over 20,000 other models. I have been in the sex industry for 8 years now and have again gotten to fulfil fantasies I had and experienced things i never dreamed of. I have made money i didnt know was possible, travelled the world and am currently living a life of joy, facillitated by sex work. I was able to find my passion and purpose and that may never have happened if that boy didnt tell me about that site. I have told him that many times over the years. And we still have never got to meet in real life.
The more I think about it, the more moments are occurring to me that are pivotal points in my life. Seconds that have reshaped a life. Turning points that couldnt have gone totally different directions. Part of the reason I live the way I do is because I know every second matters. These moments can come any time any place. I have always been open and available for these things to happen and have been lucky enough to make the most of opportunities that come along. I say yes. I put myself in the right place at the right time. and do it for the story. So I am pretty proud of and grateful for, the story I get to tell.
Today is my 20 year sex anniversary…Loosing My Virginity.
To Me:
Today is my 20 year sex anniversary. And I dont want to do anyone about it. I am 18 people away from a total of 400. I had kind of hoped I could co inside my 400 with my 20 year but the circumstances have not arisen so I will not force a number correlation. I am working on the bus at the moment. It is driving me mad. Its taking forever. but it is pretty fucking awesome. im scared to be excited about it incase it isnt gonna be as good as i think it is!!!! She is taking up most of my brain at the moment. So i guess so it shall be that my 20 year sexiversaty is spent introspectively and self indulgently. It feels right. like a lot changed at that moment and now is a time to reclaim some of that space for myself. Honor my journey. Not needing to share it with anyone else, physically. It is of more benefit to me mentally and physically to honor my own body rather than needing anyone else to honor it, as my celebration of my sexuality and sexual journey. i know now that no one can know and honor my sexuality enough right now to be worthy of spending time with my body on such a momentous occasion..
I find some of my musings exceptionally obnoxious, when reading them back, almost immediately. But it is only obnoxious if its shared. if not shared, it is just my thoughts. and we can think whatever we like.
My brain got foggier and foggier as the day went on today. I am exhausted. The bus is progressing slowly right now and my attempt to mulit task left me completely cotton wool brained. I was ready to go get some more things from Lowes but knew I wanted a bit of a drive first to try and clear my head. What did become clear was the fact that my head was getting increasingly fuzzy, not even the joint I was smoking helped. I stopped to figure out what it was i wanted to do and eventually realized I needed to write. I drove back home and picked up my laptop and drove back out, to the forest near my moms place. I have pulled over at the side of a dirt road, it seems quite a main one, and got my laptop out to write about my 20 year sexiversary. The back of the car is the next best thing to the bus I have.
I cant quite believe its been 20 years. That makes me feel old. An amount of time I cant comprehend. 14 doesn’t seem that long ago. It wasnt that long ago I was a teenager, Im barely an adult now. I’ve slept with boys who are under 20 now. I mean, Im not surprised, I did it on purpose. To specifically fuck boys young enough to technically have been my son. I cant wait till im 36 then I can fuck someone half my age.
20 years ago I lost my virginity. Tomorrow, 20 years ago, I was released from hospital after being given plan b, hiv preventative meds, a rape kit, an IV, and a preliminary interview with the police. In two days time, 20 years ago, news of me loosing my virginity hit the front pages of all the national newspapers in the UK, as well as being featured on the TV news. The whole of the country knew I had gotten drunk and had sex, however, as I was in America at the time, I was unaware of the commotion I had caused. In 5 days time, 20 years ago, I arrived back at Heathrow airport, to be greeted by two members of the press I had seen on a TV show about the airport at the time. I excitedly told the teachers they were there, and they proceeded to inform me to be quiet and behave because they were there to see me. In 6 days time, 20 years ago, I found out that I had been suspended from my school and was to stay at home. My parents and the parents of my friend, who had been at the same party as me, tried to fight the school to get our suspension over turned because it wasnt our fault the teachers didnt check the chalets each night, thus me and my friends being able to go out to a party at 14, on a school trip, with no adults knowing where we were. During one tense evening in 8 days, 20 years ago, the 4 parents were in one room, me and my friend were watching TV in the next room. The 6 O’Clock news came on. And we were the headline. We couldnt believe it. We didnt quite know the extent of the press coverage of our story and this was the first we had seen of it. We ran screaming into our parents, excited, to tell them. The excitement was not appreciated. Our parents won against the school and we had to go back to face the music in 10 days, 20 years ago. I went in late so as not to have to walk up the long drive with everyone around. I had to stop wearing make up to school. An assembly was held to discuss what had happened to me and the press coverage. The whole country and all my school mates had now been discussing, reading and hearing about me loosing my virginity for a week. Shortly after I returned to school, our friendship group split in two over the events that lead to the world discovering I had lost my virginity. Several weeks later one of the teachers who was on the trip, and our form teacher, quit due to a nervous breakdown from the stress of me loosing my virginity. 18 months later I was in America again, waiting at a courthouse for the boy I lost my virginty to, to arrive so we could start the hearing. I wasnt pressing charges. The state was, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was going to be able to answer their questions via a video link to the court room so I wouldnt have to be in there with him. Statutory rape wasnt the only charge however. He had stolen credit cards, and something about alcohol and minors. At some point, while I sat in that wood paneled room with my mom and the woman who was liasing with us that looked exactly like my mom, it became apparent that he was not going to be showing up. An hour or so later we heard he had skipped the country. The boy I lost my virginity to had fled the country to his families home country in eastern europe. All because I had been taken to this party, that was 20 years ago tonight. 8 years later we got a letter from the courthouse back in America. I was 24. 10 years after it happened. He had returned to America and arrested upon arrival. They asked if I wanted to say anything at his hearing. I didnt. We had only done what infinite people had done before us. Got drunk at a party and consensually fooled around. He was sentenced to a short amount of time in jail and probation and may have even gotten time served. The people that caused this whole situation, the boys who took us to the party in exchange for marijuana, and my friend that got caught on her way to the boys chalet after the party to thank them for taking us, as a poor excuse to see the one she fancied, then told the teachers she was out looking for a teacher because me and my friend were vomiting and might have been raped, had no repercussions from the night. And they were the only problematic people in the situation. Yes a 19 year old probably shouldnt have sex with a 14 year old girl. But I wasnt your average 14 year old, I knew what I wanted, and according to my memory, I made sure I got as much of it as I could that night from many of the boys, even if no one elses police statement matched up with my memory. But that didnt surprise me. Who would tell the police I was alone in a room with about 5 or 6 of the American boys, playing spin the bottle, but with much more dick sucking instead of making out? I did though. And I still remember being in that room today. What I dont actually even remember, is having sex. I only remember on the walk home realizing my vagina was sore and commenting that I thought I had had sex. Its a weird dichotomy to hold, the whole country knowing I had lost my virginity, yet me, never even remember it happening. After loosing my virginity made front page news and wreaked havoc for many people, I dont think I was ever going to have a normal sex life. I was destined for a life of sex, about sex, for sex, sex work, sexiness, feminism, the body, self exploration, openness, intimacy, sexual skills, exploring. Sex has always been something I didnt need to hide or suppress, maybe because of how I lost my virginity. Or maybe I was always and always would have been like this. Even if we hadnt gotten caught, or if I hadnt gone to the party and it was another time, with another person, without scandal. I will never know for sure, but for sure in relation to how I lost my virginity, my sexuality and sexual history, makes sense.
…thought sex might not matter as much any more.
I have been out of the bus for just over 2 weeks now while I renovate it and I can safely say it is affecting who i am as a person. I had some of the “best” sex ive had in a while/forever last week and I dont care. I think its cause i dont fancy him.
Performative Sex
I am still thinking, as I am in most of my previous writing I’ve collected for this blog, about a way to be able to express my sexuality and get my sexual needs fulfilled. I tried, very foolishly to have a conversation with a boy over text message about the things women keep silent about in sex. It did not go well, and no matter how woke and on my level in other areas a boy may seem, that does not mean he has progressed any further from the least woke man with his sexuality. Good to learn. One thing that stuck with me from that conversation was one statement.
“I don’t think I’m actively trying to block your sexuality or the way you want to be.”
And that is the problem. They don’t know. They have no concept of what they could be blocking cause they have no concept of what female sexuality truly can be. They don’t know that they are filling the metaphorical silence in sex by being the aggressor, the one to take action, the one to make the moves, to determine the pace, to direct the penis. By not giving me the space to display my sexuality, you are, in effect, blocking it. By determining which sex acts happen and when after my interest has been shown, a man is not letting me be the way I want to be.
I am lucky enough to be completely free with my body and sexuality…in my mind, conceptually, when I am alone, or when I’m in a sex work environment that enables me and gives me the power and places the rules and boundaries in my hands. All the different elements of sex work I have done have given me immense confidence in my innate sexiness, how to move my body, how to incorporate dance and sex. Dancing on stage for stripping and also years of DJing and partying at clubs around the world, dancing on stages from the age of 15 to 30, gives me confidence to enjoy my own moves. The years of masturbating and self exploration have left me deeply knowledgeable about my vagina, orgasms and their capabilities, and the likes and dislikes of my vagina. The large amount of partners I’ve had frees me from the insecurity and awkwardness of being with a new naked person. With all this freedom and confidence I am finding the deep fantasies of how I want to able to perform sexually.
However without telling a man prior to the sex that there is to be an agreement where they are a passive consumer of my sexuality and trust them to behave and react accordingly based off my wants and needs for the scenario, I cannot do this. Most men don’t want to be passive toys, as women are, so basically, I don’t get to do what I want.
The “what I want” is the subject here today. I want to write down the sex I want to have, the me I want to be able to be in the bedroom. Because I think that with the privilege of freedom I have over my mind, body and sexuality, I am actually closer to finding what is the true nature of my feminine sexuality. And what I am realizing is it is getting vaster and vaster. This is just one expression of that sexuality I wish I could share.
I want to be able to be performative in my sexual acts. I want to be a goddess. I want to show off. I don’t want to be suppressed, manipulated, have sexual acts performed on my repose body. I want to dance. I want to seduce a man and myself with moving my body in an erotic and sexual way. Dance, not like you have to in the confined, self conscious and restrained way as in a nightclub, but with the passion, excitement and abandon of having your own private sexual stage. Do floor work, roll around, climb up and down your man, move your body in ways that feels good, feel yourself. Seduce. Build up the energy and excitement. Perform.
Animals perform many rituals in order to have sex, they show off plumage, display engorged genitals, they dance together, sometimes its the male animal that has to display to get sex, sometimes its the female. Humans are no different. We would have had our animal ways of attracting each other, which has now been taken over by capitalistic and possessive displays of love. However I personally am striving to get back to the animal. I want to fulfill my natural feminine animal sexuality. Let me be a peacock every now and then.
Let me use everything I’ve learnt over the years. Let me give you a lap dance. The kind that I crave but the kind that would get me fired for giving in a professional setting. Let me grind my body all over you. Tease you. Tickle your neck. Let me use my hips, pussy and ass on your lap to work myself up, so I’m desperately horny. Clothes still on. Panties wet. Let me make eye contact with you as I slide down your body and away from you, where I can strip, sensually and with all the skill I’ve gained over my life. Not in the awkward fumbling way you would if you were locked in a kiss and trying to just get on with the sex without drawing too much attention to it. Let me keep staring at you as I show you my body, spread my legs, run my hands over my skin, pinch my nipples, and spread my wetness over my pussy. Let me show you how I touch myself. You still don’t move. I am still just displaying myself to you. Take note of what I do to my pussy. You don’t need to be doing anything more brutal to it than I do.
Let me get in your lap again, naked and spread my juices over your pants, feel me on your stomach. Your hands can touch my skin, my breasts, but you don’t need to touch my pussy. That’s not whats happening yet. Let me peel your shirt off, so you can feel my skin against yours, my lips on your neck, shoulders, chest. Let me slide down your body and tease your hips and sides, unbuckle your belt and loosen your pants. When I want it, come with me to the bed and let me pull them off. And carry on my dance with your body. Let me feel your skin, stroke you, kiss you, feel your energy, feel what your body needs. Lay back and let rub my skin all over your body. Feel how amazing it feels just to enjoy skin on skin contact. Soft smooth skin on skin is like drugs to me. I can spend hours just enjoying the sensations of having another naked human close to me. Let me roll you onto your front and I’ll give you a body massage, from tapping into what I know you need. I want to use all the parts of my body I can to give you the energy and healing you need, where you need it. Then roll you back on your back and carry on.
When you are as relaxed and open as I am, I want to step up the pace. I want you naked. I want to meet your cock. I want to look at it. Caress it. Feel how hard it is. See it, acknowlege it, comprehend it. Then I want to climb back up your body to get your tongue in my mouth. And I really want it in my mouth. I love kissing. So deep its too much. Just as long as you can do that without excess spit! I hate spit. But kiss me with force, use your tongue, get wierd and gross, but not in a tongue flicky porn kind of way, but a deep, sensual, erotic coupling. Let the kissing be everything. I dont need anything else. Roll around with it, entwine. Let me grind, dont force me down onto body parts to give me the friction YOU think I need. Show me that you will let me do what I want and what feels good to ME.
Then I want your hands on my pussy. But not in any way you know how. I dont even know how to get someone to touch my pussy in the way I want. But I know there are things I want to happen that don’t! It is something like a need for more general, light but firm stimulation, than the specifically focused, hard, aggressive attention it gets usually. I want both hands down there doing work. One isn’t enough. I don’t want you lying up here with me, your arms stretched to reach my pussy. Get down there, rest your head on my thigh if you need, but fucking work on my pussy like you’re petting a kitten. Hold it, caress it, don’t stab it with ignorant fingers, probe gently, with stimulation happening in other places at the same time. Maybe we can be top to toe so I can gently handle your cock too, teasing it, stroking it, enjoying having my own beautiful toy to play with, while you are at a easier level to reach everything I need stimulating. If you do that right, I’ll probably have already cum.
I want to move on from things when I am ready, not to be rushed, and not to carry on doing things after I loose the fire for it. I fucking love sucking dick. I love focusing entirely on how the cock feels in my mouth. I let my mouth do what it wants, all that exists in the sensations, all i am is sensual energy and pleasure. I have no body That is when I experience flow. Im not gonna play up to porn or cliches about how to suck good dick, hard, fast, deep, because that shit hurts. Im gonna suck it in the way that gets my pussy dripping between my thighs. Let me at the balls, the taint, and if I really like you, let my dip down to the little rosebud of the asshole. Do not, ever, for one second, put your fucking hands ANYWHERE near my head, shoulders, or neck. We definitely, 100% do not need that. It is fucking gross. FOR WHATEVER FUCKING REASON YOU DO IT. Unless the woman begs you to do it, dont, fucking, do it.
If I’m really wound up I might want to try to deep throat your cock. My throat is small though and I don’t need any pain. Let me deprive myself of air on your cock, let me hold it as deep as it feels good, as long as want, till when I come up for air, I’m gasping and left even more turned on. I may want to suck your cock for 5 minutes or 50 minutes. However long I’m enjoying it. And when i’m done, im done.
And when I’m done, my pussy will be so wet, that there will be a snail trail down to my knees. Enjoy it. Appreciate how fucking wet sucking your dick got my pussy. Then taste it. Let me relax for a few minutes, I’ll lay back and you can go back to using your two hands and mouth to explore my vagina. Kiss my pussy like you kiss a mouth. Its not all pokey tongue bullshit or lapping at the damn clit. If you are too fucking scared to really lock lips with a pussy, then get the fuck out of there. But I am not scared of how I taste or what is going on down there so you better not be either.
If I’m really enjoying your mouth and face on my pussy or feeling like taking control again, I wanna ride your face. Now, until recently, this was something I had never done fully. I thought I’d done it. And I did notttt like it. I would hover above a guy, not letting my weight onto him, not sure of what direction to angle my pussy, insecure, and in no way enjoying a single second of what felt like having my vagina spread and dangley with someone slopping at it. I knew nothing of what it was like to let go on top of a man. Until the last time I did it. I had already fucked his ass, and he really wanted me to fuck his face. So I did. And god damn. I sat on him with my full weight, intentionally angled myself to how my body and pussy was comfortable instead of what I felt was more comfortable for him, and rather that letting my pussy dangle in his mouth, i used his face like i would have been grinding in your lap earlier. I held his hair and i slid my pussy across his mouth from clit to asshole, pausing to get his tongue in my pussy and asshole too. I didnt care that it was a human under me. It was something that felt good for me to hump. I watched myself in the mirror and loved the power of smothering him, forcing him to take big gulps of pussy. And I came. A lot. But dont be rough with your mouth. With the weight of me on your mouth, you dont need to press up with any force. Let me decide the pressure. Let me use your face to cum.
And that is when I want to be filled up. I cant wait an longer. I need to feel your full size inside me. If I am really worked up, I can cum as soon as it slides inside me. That is the best feeling for me, and I hope the man, that his dick can make me cum instantly. So let me decide when it goes in, and how. Let me use the head of your cock to tease the entrance of my vagina, rub it over my clit, back down to my entrance and let me focus on enjoying that. Dont think that ramming it up into me as a surprise and a masculine way to fill me up, will be good for me, it wont. I can enjoy having the entrance of my pussy teased with your cock while my mouth is locked on yours for a very long time. It is one of my favorite things. The, is it gonna slip in or not. The wiggling around to get it to line up with my entrance. The feeling of my sopping wet pussy sliding over your dick, of me softly grinding against it, clenching my pelvic floor so it cant slip into my entrance. Teasing the tip inside eventually, clenching and releasing my muscles, welcoming the dick, slowly and gently into my most sensitive and special area. Let me be mentally begging for that dick to finally fill me up. Let me keep teasing my pussy as it slides inside so, when it does finally fill me up, I can cum on that cock.
Now once its deep inside me, its going in and staying in. I dont want pumping, thrusting, fucking, pounding, railing, any of that shit. I want it inside me. I wanna see how your cock feels inside me. How it fits, what angle its at, how hard it feels, how your dick makes my pussy feel. I want to be able to see what my internal muscles can do. I wanna learn what the power of my pussy truly is. I want to enjoy that deep, filling, cock embrace. Like how we started, I want to grind on you, hump your lap, feel my clit against you, all my favorite bits in contact with you (side note…do. not. shave. that. shit. or even trim it too short. i really dont fucking care, you cant do it properly anyway and I get shaving rash and DO NOTTT enjoy griding on you).
Lets find positions where the angle of your cock inside me doesnt hurt, where it rubs all the best bits, positions where I can get my externals stimulated, or enjoy you using BOTH your hands to tease around my stretched pussy and asshole. I dont want to just be on top. I want you to fuck me like I show you. Let me keep it deep inside me, without much movement, as much as i want, cause just clenching my intenal muscles around a hard, warm cock, can make me cum. When I use a vibrator at home, alone, with no one watching ( and normally, never telling anyone) , I put it in, and it stays there. I dont pump my pussy. I enjoy squeezing it in my pussy with a vibrator on my clit. However AFTER I cum, when my pussy has relaxed and softened and I’m wet and sensitive enough, I like a bit of pumping. Let me tell you when.
I want to keep riding the wave of your dick, cuming over and over on it and enjoying its size inside me. I love slowing down the passion and creating space for sensuality and simple sensation during sex. Which is why I want to be able to hold your penis inside me and massage both of our genitals with each others. Not to be carrying on the sexual intessity, but to be truly present in the feeling and sensations and subtlety, intimacy and pleasure of having our parts molded together. Its a exquisite feeling. Dont dismiss it. Dont think its boring. If you think its boring you arent fully connected to your body or me, you arent being mindful or present. Value the tiny sensations our bodies can create between each other, revel in the subtle pleasure of slow, indulgent sex.
The slower and more sensual it gets, the longer we can continue this erotic experience, and the more orgasms I will have, until you know that the next time I cum, you will cum. I want you to cum. I wanna see you getting closer and closer, feel your cock getting harder, growing inside me. I want my pussy pulsing around your cock, until i tell you to fuck me hard and to cum for me. Ideally this would be with me face down, you straddling my legs, cock deep inside me, vibrator under me so I keep cumming as you pump at my pussy, hard and fast, till you pull out and cum deep inside me (the only part of my fantasy that cant be reality) while I cum again from the vibrator on my clit.
After all that I’ll probably be quite happy to just lie there, face down, unable to move, spent. Lie back down next to me until i am ready to move and enjoy the soothing, relaxing feelings of our skin of skin. you dont need to put any items of clothes on. I dont care that your cock is soft and small or that you might not be comfortable lying around naked, I want you to be.
In an ideal world, we would smoke a joint and caress our skin and talk gently about things until one of us is ready or wanting to start something again. This time it could be different. But only if we both want that. I could probably go for 3 – 4 – 10 sessions in a night. Not all long. But lots.
This is why women can’t just tell a man what she wants or likes. Its not as simple as, dont rub my clit so hard. Or use two hands please. Or sit back while I tease you. Its the whole act I want to lead. To show what I like and can do. With all my experience and confidence, even I cannot verbalize what I want or more specifically how to do it. What I want isnt to be “dominant” but to have the same lead role men usually do in the performance of pleasure for another. Its such a subtle shift in the sexual dynamic there is no equally subtle way to describe it or communicate it. We have to put our bodies in mens hands to trust they will do their best with it and that we will like it. Well I dont want or need to do that anymore.
How do I get to act out my alpha sexuality without telling a man, “you just sit there babe and let me do this, I got this. I have more experience and know my body better than you do, so just let me take care of the situation.” This desire I have isnt like saying I wanna try pegging, or splooshing. Its a power shift that cant be verbalized. Normal heterosexual men cant take it. Their ego and sexuality is too fragile. they want to impress. They want to perform. I dont want to have all the control all the time. I want the opportunity to have the control in the same way men do, when I want to, 50/50. I want men put their sexual experience in my hands and let me be the one directing and maneuvering and manipulating bodies. Let me share my expertise and have it appreciated like i do when I’m getting paid to fuck. Let me enjoy a mans body. Let me objectify his parts. Let me lust over his ass and nipples. Let me perform my true sexuality. Cause Ive got this. All women do, if we have the freedom to find out what our true nature, sexuality and desires are and we are given the space and freedom to perform them.
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir.
I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done.
Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always had sex amnesia. I forget what happened after its finished. And then i forget what their penises were like. On cam i forget what show we did. They all just blur into one.
I wonder if i should write about how i find the sex i do. How im the hunter.how i choose.
The high failure rate. Potential bio to fix it. Ultimately a new kind of dating app to be made.
I have been using dating apps and websites to find sex for about 12 years now. I never really used them for dates. Sometimes id go through phases thinking i wanted dates, but really i just wanted a certain level of respect to be gained/felt or earnt from my future partner before we had sex. Now i can comand that just with the sex act alone and never need the pretence of a date. I have also never looked for a relationship on them. I have found love on them. But i was never there for love. So i would say i have gained quite extensive knowlege and exerience of internet dating that i wish to share. Obviously it is just my experience from my perspective and privilidge position. That isnt nessersacry to disect. I just want to hold up a example of things that happen but dont get talked about in the hopes that when someone else feels the same they feel bolstered by someone else having felt or done it before, as well as titlate, entertain you, the wider audience, to question comonly held beliefs, and discuss potential ideas for progress.
I am going to have to have a good think about what my first online dating memory was. I think im remebering who it was. A boy called Tim. He liked snowboarding. I was living in my own flat in Camden in london at the time and it had already turned into a bit of a sex den. I seemed to be fucking a lot of people in secret at that point in my life and that worked out well as i seemed to be the obly person who lived alone in central london! Maybe that is why i had so amany men! Lol.
I think the first dating site i used was plenty of fish. I think. It had a reputation for being a hook up site. Perfect! I just checked my list and it was the night before my 26th birthday. I think we did the very traditional pizza and movie combo. Watching movies until we were litterally too tired and had to suggest going to bed….then we had sex. The few times after that were the same. As was most of the sex i was having at that time. Lots of sitting around watching things till it was too late to have any real fun as you were both too tired. To be fair that has happened recently too. Just with more talking rather than watching things.
After the first time i realised it wasnt just weirdos online, there were plenty of people like me looking for sex too. The next experience was one of my only bad experiences ive had from online dating. There was a long build up. He was deployed in the army abroad. Eventually i found out he had a wife and child. But he decided to come to London to visit me before he flew back home to see them. I was a differnt person then and put all the responsibility for cheating on the person with the partner. We had swapped pictures, but we hadnt skyped. Well. Despite having spent about a month talking to him when i finally met him outside kentish town train station he was nothing like i expected. He was shorter, shinier, sweatier, taughter, tenser. He oozed military, ridgid. We went back to my place and we started the usual pizza and movie night. However at some point i realised i couldnt stand him. Like couldnt physically be around him. But as he was apparently on a transfer back from Afgahnistan and his flught home wasnt till the next day, i didnt feel like i could kick him out. Instead, i tried a unique tac. I faked cyctitis. I used to get it pretty bad fairly oten and wouldn have to just sit in the bath to ease the pain. So i told him a bout had just kicked in and i had to sit in the bath. I sat in there for hours.. The pizza arrived, i stayed in there and ate it in the bath. Eventually i got out when i thought he would be too tired to want to hang out more. We went to bed. And he wasnt too tired. So we had awkward, stiff, hard, souless sex. In the morning we did it again i think. Eventually it was time for him to leave. When he got to the airport his flight had been delaued and asked if he could come back for a few hours. I faked some plans and stopped replying to his messages.
I had been so aware of the potential dangers of “online dating” when it was first emerging and I was embarrased to have had a bad experience and silly for not getting it right myself. It wasnt however, put off. I just learned, military men arent for me, I need to skype with people before i meed them to see what they actually look like and not to fuck men cheating on wives.
I was in england for about 6 months longer after that, using plenty of fish. I ended up meeting 5 poeple during that time. One was the reason i ended up leaving engand and travleling australia.
The first 6 months in australia i didnt use dating apps. Travelling, partying and australia were the perfect combination to find me plenty of amazign men to fuck whenever i wanted. I thin i got back on plenty of fish in november of 2011 cause i had crashed a moped and was bed bound for a while. I hate going without dick when i want it, so i started cruising online again. I
I managed to find a few guys in each place i went. Adding that to all the men i would meet in real life, my number from pre aus to post aus doubled. I moved to vegas next and back on plenty of fish. I wanted more options here so branched out onto match.com but soon found it way too much work, fielding all the messages from basically all the men on the site.
By novemebr 2013 Tinder had entered my life. Everything became infinitely easier. Only getting messages from men that i acutally found attractive was a massive leap forward in my experience online
so I would say i have a pretty good knowledge and experience of how to internet date.
…first has sex in the Bus.
Bus gets a capital B because she is my best friend. She is getting her drive shaft fixed right now and I’m in the office of the mechanics, reading and writing erotic stories. So I have a lot of time to kill as I think we are gonna be here another night or 5, I might as well write about my first sex in the bus!
When I first got the Bus I was going through a bit of no sex phase. The previous few years had been really hard and I was still going through phases of recovery and growth. I had been intentionally celibate on and off. But eventually I started tentatively swiping on Bumble again.
I found a guy who said he wanted to practice massage for his certification exam in a few days, and was willing to give a free massage. I was a little wary, but it seemed nice and innocent enough, even though we had matched based off looks! I definitely harbor some massage fantasies, where the masseuses slowly and tentatively starts crossing that professional line, but as I was off sex at the time, I wasn’t really hoping it would go anywhere. When he told me it would be happening at the massage place he was training at I was happy it would just be what he said, him practicing his massage skills.
We met outside the shop and I was pretty nervous. He was cute with big eyes and curly hair. I didn’t know if this was meant to be a date vibe or professional or what was going on with the attraction. But he explained the set up in the shop and how he had been training while he lead me into the room. He left me to get undressed and the innocent nature of the exchange to come was set in stone for me. I did, however, got fully naked and lay under the towel before he came back in.
I love being massaged. Rub me, stroke me, tickle me, run your hands over my skin, pamper me, i love it all. I am after all, a Leo. He started up around my shoulders and I slowly relaxed under his hands as he worked on my back. He occasionally asked for feedback and I let him know I was enjoying it. After what felt like a full, long back massage, he asked if he could massage my legs too. Of course I wasn’t about to say no. The warmth of his hands and the oil on my skin felt so good. He started on my feet and calves and slowly started massaging further up my legs. The further and futher up my thighs. Almost too high. His fingertips getting closer and closer to my inner thighs. I wanted to spread my legs more to give him better access, but I didn’t want it to seem like i was welcoming more action. I was getting very, very wet though. Like I said, those boundary crossing subtle movements are the shit for me and exactly what I fantasise about.
He asked if he could massage my ass as it feels really nice, which I definitely know, and with my pussy dripping and my soul willing him to go further I said “yes please”. He got into some of the good spots and was back to the right (wrong for me) side of the professional line, asking if it was ok, checking he wasn’t going too far. Of course he wasn’t going too far and I told him it was all good. Then the fingertips started roaming again. Massaging my inner thighs and up to my cheeks. He must have been able to feel the heat and wetness of my pussy. But he kept his fingers just barely grazing inappropriate places. He worked this area for a really good amount of time, being very through. I was aching for more, but he started working his way up my back again to finish the massage. And then he was done. He told me to take my time and get dressed and as he left I immediately started thinking maybe I had got it wrong. Maybe all those little lines were crossed accidentally, he was actually just practising massage, and I had gotten carried away, that my wet heat gave away how I had been the one crossing that line. He came back in and the tension was intense. It hadn’t been just me. So after a little chat we arranged to meet up later that night as he had to finish up there.
I had been parking the bus down by a creek off a highway and he managed to find me pretty easy. But I don’t know what we did that night, and I don’t remember that very first bus sex unfortunately. But I’m sure we worked out all that tension that had been built up earlier.
Considering I said this was about my first bus sex, it has been decidedly not about that! I do however remember another time with him in the bus, in a different spot by the creek. We were making out and starting to enjoy ourselves, when at about midnight, a couple of cars turned up at the next spot over and a few youths spilled out. Its a small town so I imagine the locals have certain spots they party at. 335 wanted to go see what they were getting in to, but at the time I was still feeling very antisocial in life so we stayed in bus. It was summer and we had the back door and windows open and lights on inside. Only fairy lights, but you could definitely see in the bus. After spying on the kids for a while we got back to each other and getting naked. We were parked so they couldn’t see in the windows and happily got naked and started fucking while the youths built a fire about 100 meters away. While I was on top of 335 with my ass facing the open door, I could hear people outside walking around and we realised they were collecting more wood. This wood collection, and Id imagine some curiosity, lead them to the back of the bus. They weren’t too close though and we were kind of enjoying the idea of what they could and couldn’t see, so we carried on. A few minutes later we realised they weren’t collecting wood any more. Two girls and a guy were stood about 50 meters away in the pitch dark getting a great view of my ass and my pussy stretched around his cock.
We looked at each other to see how we were reacting to putting on a bit of a show. The fact that there were two girls watching instead of it just being boys perving, really encouraged us to keep going. I thought it was so hot that they wanted to watch and so did he, to see me on top taking this dick, not being shocked and putting aside any judgement for their enjoyment. I stopped thinking about them and carried on getting into the sex I was getting to have with the fresh air on my skin, knowing that me enjoying it would be much more fun to watch than them thinking I knew they were watching and I was putting on a show. We pretended like we didn’t know they were there and just carried on. If they wanted to watch that was up to them. They had wandered over to our side of the spot and they had chosen to stay standing there.They clearly weren’t offended. It was especially fun being on top while they watched, so they could tell I was in charge. And on top is where I stayed, fucking like no one was watching, maybe being a bit quieter than usual, riding him, until he came. By the time we had finished the voyeurs had moved off.
We met up a few times after that. I stayed in his RV, we went to the lake, we had more Bus sex in different spots. Then it was time for me to move on, head north for the solar eclipse and say goodbye to my first Bus fuck buddy. Now I think about it, I guess that started off my much busier, naughtier times in the Bus that were to cum!(sic)
…had a threesome in the Bus.
The little bus is currently broken down in the middle of nowhere Texas. The mechanic said we are officially 50 miles from anywhere. But luckily this place seems good and nice so I thought, while Bussy is sick, I could reflect on some of the bus sex I have had so far. I might as well start with a good one! The time I had a threesome in the bus!
Like most my stories it seems this is a part of a larger story that I will have to cover at another point. I had gone to Northern California to my first motocross race. The start of the adventure was with 3 guys who work in the industry and can be that story for another time.
Being in a field for 3 nights with loads of men who like the same shit as I do meant that there was plenty of swiping to be done on Tinder. I find it hilarious that I keep seeing the same moto guys from the different events I go to, pop up in my swiping. Some I talk to. Some I’ve met. I actually met up with a mechanic on race day after my night with the 3 guys. But this is about my last night at the races and the two boys I spent it with.
I matched with 366 and got chatting pretty quickly. I was in the bus and wanted to enjoy my last night. I had gone for a little walk around the campsite but not much was up. However it turned out he was parked up and hanging out only a couple of RVs away from the bus. So he came over to meet me and take me back to where he was hanging out with some random people he had met that night. He was 24 and pretty cute. He was there with his friend, a big blue eyed 21 year old. They were hanging out round a fire with a couple who were only 18 and the dude was so incredibly hot, and a couple of older dudes in their 40s. I don’t really know how we got to the point where it was obvious I was on a “date” with both the boys, but getting both of their attention didn’t bother me one bit. I thought two is better than one.
I don’t like being too sexual publicly, but little 365 couldn’t keep his hands off me. He would try and kiss me too much in front of other people and cause I was clearly with the other one as well I had to tell him to back off a bit and leave me alone around everyone. He took great offense to this. His cute little face and big sad eyes were so adorable, and he went off in a sulk and hid for a while. I carried on sitting around the fire with 366 until the older guys noted his disappearance over not getting my attention, so we went and found him and tried to make him feel better. It was so cute. I love sad little boys. We had a chat about how it was all going to happen, but in good time and not around other people. He perked up a lot, and soon we were all back at the fire. Somehow one of them ended up on my lap and I was giving him a little shoulder rub, and the other one decided to stand behind me and give me one too. The older guys had already been a bit wide eyed at me with these two young boys, and there was definitely an air of “what is she doing with them?”. However I made it perfectly clear to them that I was much older and knew exactly what I was doing and was going to be getting exactly what I wanted. Which they seemed to give me a little props for!!! They had already told us all to go get a room, but when we all started massaging each other, switching around and somehow ending up with me on someone’s lap while his friend massaged him, they were urging us to just go and get on with it cause we all clearly wanted it.
The three of us were actually enjoying not, and drawing it out, knowing we would do whatever we wanted later. A little later when the group was busy not paying us attention for a while and we were all done hanging out, we decided it was time for us to go. We didn’t say anything to anyone and just got up to leave. As we were leaving they wished us a good time and I said Id make sure of it! I took my two little boys to my bus and my tiny 30 inch bed and we finally got to properly enjoy each other.
I absolutely love kissing more than one person, switching up between the two, using my hands on one while i kiss the other, knowing they are waiting for me, having a favorite, treating them the same, the different techniques. With all my group activities there is usually one who is more sensual and connected than the others, that was the baby 21 year old, 365. Like I said, i’m a sucker for a sad boy. Having both of their hands on my pussy while I alternately kissed them was such a delicious feeling. The logistics of fitting all 3 of us in the same area in the bus were pretty interesting, there were definitely some interesting contortions, but somehow we all managed to be naked and giving and receiving all kinds of pleasure. 365 was standing in front of me, 366 was to my left and I was able to suck each of their dicks in turn, keeping my hands on them both at all times. 365 dropped to his knees on the floor in front of me and pulled my ass to the edge of the bed, my legs free to drape over his shoulders as he buried his face in my pussy. I don’t really remember if he was any good, but having his best, older, friends dick in my mouth while he was on his knees for me, made everything good enough.
What happened next is seared into my brain and will stay with me for the rest of my life. One tiny moment that will fuel my wank bank and future sex plans forever. While 366 had his dick in my mouth, and 365 had his face in my pussy again, 366 reached over and put his hand on the back of 365s head and pushed him harder into my pussy. Nothing was said as he kept his hand there and we carried on like that. Two young boys in a threesome, comfortable enough to interact with each other like this, was the hottest thing that could have happened. It was so subtle, the small amount of control the older friend had over the younger one. The fact that the younger one was pleasuring me and his friend was getting his dick sucked. Him being on his knees. That hand on his head. That cool, calm, powerful hand movement. I cant, and dont think I will ever get over it. It was sexy as hell!
After that 365 was due some dick attention so we switched around some so I could suck his dick while his friend finally fucked me. We switched around a couple of times so I got to have a different dick in my pussy fucking me from behind while I sucked the other one. I’m pretty sure 365 finished first, fucking me like that. Then I fucked 366 on the bed better. But I don’t remember what the little one was doing so I’m not entirely sure it went down like that. I wish I remembered sex details better. After we were all done we did end up trying to fit into my bed, which is smaller than a twin, but little 365 eventually gave up and went to go back to his van. It was nice having a bit more space for the two of us and we spent a bit of time fooling around and getting sleepy until we heard a loud banging on the back window. We were quiet, hoping whoever it was would go away. Then there was another, knocking on the front door, and we knew 365 had come back again. I went to open the door to let him in, his little face as he stood outside and looked up at me so was precious, and he just asked if he could come back in and cuddle with us. I could not say no, even if it wasn’t going to be that comfortable. Somehow we made it work. A three way spoon, in 30 inches of space. Two big boys and me in the middle squished tight together. As it started to get light, we all fell asleep.
A couple of hours later we woke up in a sweaty hell. I managed to pry myself out from between them pretty easy, sliding off them with the amount of sweat we were generating between us in my uninsulated bus/tin can in the summer in California, and they kinda woke up. After a little bit of hanging out naked, 365 got dressed to go back to his van to pack up so they could leave. We all had to be out of the field that morning. I dunno if I had any morning sex, but 366 stayed with me a little longer, till 365 said he had to go.
After they had gone I marveled at how we managed to make it work in that ridiculous bed. And the moment 365 pushed his friends head deeper into my pussy, kept replaying over and over in my head. It was an amazing weekend at my first motocross race and I will definitely be going to more in the bus! Especially as I have since slightly upgraded the size of the bed and this winter will be making a much bigger more comfortable play area in the bus!
…finally got to have the sex I’ve been talking about!
The last few posts about amazing sex i have had, have been about sex ive gotten to try out that I have wanted to do. Things Ive wanted to try and ways to do it, that until now I have not been able to do. Not been able to do due to several factors, from the suffocating patriarchy of normal sex, to womens inability to successfully express their own sexual desires, which ultimately comes from the fragile male ego that scares women off from honesty with a potential angry or aggressive reaction and a lack of knowledge of how to enjoy the female and male bodies in ways that isn’t penis or orgasm centric.
It started slowly. The changes were barely perceivable. It started with me taking more control of what happens, how and when, during the sex. I started doing more things with the male body that I was interested in. It was an exploration of my interests and new experiences so I needed men who were willing to not have their pleasure put first, and be open to experience what new pleasure was possible and what ideas I had in store.
As my experience grew, my questioning of normal sex standards kept changing and evolving, until I got to the ideas I wrote about in my piece “We Know Nothing of the Possibilities of Sex”. Since then I have had a ever growing fascination with the ideas around the power the pussy can have once the penis stops thrusting. Ive had a few instances in my life where I have gotten to have a penis inside me without the constant punishment of pounding, had some men listen and slow down and some who are great and deep grinding sex. I figured out how to make myself cum easier during sex with a vibrator and a slow tight sliding and pussy entrance teasing. When I am alone, on the few occasions I use a dildo, it goes inside me, and that is where it stays. I dont pump it in and out of me, I dont bang myself. I get it in nice and snug and grind on that motherfucker while the vibrator works on my clit. Ive known for a long time that just being filled with penis, feels much better that being pumped at. Yet I have never once got to have this with a man for more than a few moments or minutes. Why? When I know what makes my body feel the best, why am I not getting it? Cause its boring, its overly intimate, its different, you have to communicate your desire, its not what sex is, or men straight up wont listen or do it. But what if its not boring or overly intimate or hard to communicate. And what if men actually enjoy it too. Wouldnt that be a nice world. Well for me the other day. that dream came true. I finally had the combination of knowledge, self love, confidence and a man who was still a boy, wildly open to learn, beautiful, experienced, sensitive, respectful and a great listener. I had spent the night with him a month before, which Ill cover another time, but it had been really really good and I knew he would be open to what I wanted and letting me lead. I had spent most of the days leading up to meeting 374 thinking about pegging him again. He was so incredibly good last time I wanted it again so badly. That is what I was anticipating. I had been feeling particularly angsty the last week and wanted to dominate, objectify and control a sexy young boy. But that isnt what happened.
This time it was really cold, and the bed in the bus was fucked up so I suggested we get a hotel. He was instantly into it and told me he would get us the hotel. I had to stay in the town 45 miles from him but he said we could get the hotel where I was. That kind of effort turns me on. I was able to check into the hotel a few hours before he was able to get there, so I spent the afternoon showering, and just enjoying a nice, hot room with a full size bed and cable TV.
We spent the first hour or so talking and making out and slowly getting more and more undressed. I love kissing and dry humping so much. The tease, the build up, the ache.
I wasnt yet sure how drawn out I wanted out time to be. But then all of a sudden my leggings were being pulled off and his face was instantly buried in my pussy. I thought for a second about stopping him and slowing things down again. I wanted to be the one doing things to him. But as soon as I realised how absolutely amazing he was being with his mouth, I kept quiet. He was amazing because he was soft, gentle, slow, passionate and clearly deeply involved in the reality of my vagina. He got more relaxed into it as I did, becoming more exploratory, asking how it was feeling, and never speeding up or increasing the pressure. When I know someone isnt going to suddenly start doing things to my vagina that hurt I can truly enjoy what they are doing, and clearly he knew how to treat her. When he started using his hands too, I just melted. He wasnt finger banging me, or even penetrating me. He was holding me and touching all around my outer lips, outer vagina, perineum and ass. His fingertips barely tickling the parts of me that were starting to ache for more stimulation. He kept me aching and wanting more and more, instead of giving way too much and making me withdraw.
Now, like usual, i forget what happened and in what order. But I realised that occurs because when Im in the moment doing it, I am 100% there. My mind is entirely blank and all that exists are the sensations my body feels. I dont try and do certain moves. Im not performing sex. I am completely in flow, interacting and reacting to the moments as they occur. Memories dont form, only sensation exists.
I am aware that next, or after me getting to play with his penis for a bit, that he was on top of me and teasing my pussy with his cock. I love being teased like that and after cumming once or three times on his face, I was so ready to feel him inside me. His dick is uncircumsized, my absolute favorite, its very fat, just big in general. He quickly pushed it into me and filled me up. Squeezing that massive thing inside me felt amazing, I could feel myself stretch around him. And then he started fucking me. And all the memories of last time came back. It had all been so good, except for his juvenile jack hammering as soon as his dick was inside of me. It had been a disappointment that I let slide then, but I wasnt gonna let that happen again this time. I told him to slow it down and he did a bit. But this time I was ready to do what I really wanted to do. I knew he would listen and let me try me taking control of how the this could happen and he did. So after suggesting the idea I end up on top of him and ready to totally let go.
One of the reasons I haven’t acted out the PIV sex I know I like and want is cause of the ego and insecurity. Sex is “supposed” to be a certain way. Women are “supposed” to enjoy certain things. I, especially as a very sexual woman, am assumed to like sex a certain way and to be talented and skilled in some way that makes me feel like I should be able to perform somersaults on a trapeze on to a dick and cum, and enjoy it. Being entwined, not thrusting, grinding, taking your time, slow, cool moments and actions are not what is considered good, hot, fun or wild sex. We know men like pumping and thrusting and looking at us in certain positions and we want to be “good” in their eyes. But good in their eyes isn’t good for our bodies. So I had to cast aside ego and insecurity in order to be able to let my body explore how it can really feel good. Knowing 374 was totally open to this exploration and was willing to just see what might come of it and happen, meant I was relaxed enough and confident enough…and high enough, to follow my desires. To shut off my brain and let my body figure out what was good.
So I am on top we are naked and he isnt inside me. We kiss, so much. We grind firm and hard, my wet pussy sliding over him until my pussy grazes his cock. I move my hips slowly till his dick is perfectly positioned against my vagina entrance and I keep wiggling against the tip while I grind my clit against him, our tongues entwined, his hands running sofly over my skin. My pussy aching more and more the longer its teased until I can’t take the wait any longer. Slowly his big, fat, dick starts stretching my pussy around it, working my way further on to it, squeezing my muscles, circling my hips, really feeling my vagina opening up and accommodating the penis, until finally he is buried deeply and still inside me, my pussy and body shaking and flinching from the pleasure of engulfing his big dick. We are in missionary, but with me on top. We are able to kiss and talk while I hold him inside of me. I am able to let my body grind against him. And finally, I am able to start exploring what my pussy can do around his penis. I am already connected to my pelvic floor and can clench and release the various muscles in my pussy, so I just start trying it out on him, moving ever so slightly, trying to create a wave in my vagina walls, feeling new and different sensations I could find and create, flinching my clit, making my outer lips throb, squeezing and releasing the penis are certain points and depths. It almost instantly blew our minds that we hadnt ever got to do this before. It seems so simple. It felt so good. And yet, in all my years, with all my experience, this was a first. Getting to spend as much time as I want, using a penis, to explore how my pussy could feel. It felt so right to mutually massage the penis and vagina this way.
I have been exploring yoni massage recently and this felt like I was able to use a big hard dick to massage my insides, while at the same time using my muscles in ways I have never got to be able to before. We were both in our own worlds. My head was down by his neck and his hands were on my hips and would wander over my ass, and down to my outer vagina and under buttchecks again, fingertips brushing all the good my perineum and asshole, making me ache for more again. We would occasionally make out or talk. We werent trying to get anywhere. We were just letting us see how this stuff felt. His dick was big enough so i could put my legs together on top of his, making my pussy even tighter around him. He stayed hard even without any thrusting stimulation, better than when we just had average pumping sex last time, and I could feel his dick get even harder when I was doing certain things, or when my grinding or squeezing would take me deep into the sensation and flow. He would run his hands over my back and shoulders, letting me know he was still there with me.We were so relaxed and able to just soak in the pleasure without needing more. It was similar to a massage that is just amazing, pleasurable time for your body to feel good with someone else, not sex, not fucking, just the giving and receiving of pleasurable sensations. I don’t remember when the orgasms started, but there were lots and they were varied.
After a while he asked for a break. To me sex isn’t one 5-20 minute act of pumping obviously, its a all night session of naked, physical and mental connection and exploration. So I love taking breaks. We established that we were both very much enjoying this exploration and that it was working amazingly for both of us. We started switching up positions in between breaks. One position we tried was with me kind of propped up by my arm on my side with my right leg and hip bent forwards and up so I could do some dabs while his dick was inside me, in a spoon/behind position. I just wanted him to push himself fimly inside of me so I could push back against him and squeeze his cock. I can’t remember if I had my vibrator on my clit while he was inside me like that, but I had already cum way more without it than i ever do, but I did have a massive orgasm in that position after I took a dab! And then a few more.
We also did my favorite position, me lying on my front, legs together, with him straddling my legs, dick deep inside me, leaning forward over my back. That has been my favorite position in normal sex cause it feels the most like the non thrusting penis massage that gets me off the most. I can get them to fuck me slow enough for just long enough to get off with a vibe on my clit. With a man who was letting me explore that, the position got even better. The glimpses of feelings I would get when a man was pumping away at me from behind were able to be fully explored and felt. I joked that considering this sex wasnt supposed to be about orgasms, I sure was having a lot of them!
At one point he ate my pussy again and I came three times, he just kept going. Not in a forceful, keep cumming way, but because we had disappeared and he was one with my vagina. He was interacting with it, not pleasuring me or trying to give me a orgasm. he was just doing what he was enjoying until he was done. He would be so happy when he emerged, face covered in my pussy juice that was flowing fast and I love kissing and licking it off his pretty little face.
With all this that had been going on, I hadnt even gotten to say hi to his ass yet. So after another break I got him on his front and got to see it again. Its so big and juicy and soft and I just loved putting my face on it, squeezing it, biting and licking the cheeks. Teasing his inner cheeks and gooch with my tongue, sliding down over his balls, running my hands up his thighs and under his hips so my fingers grazed his dick, pulling it out from underneath him so his cock, balls and asshole were nicely lined up for me to lick from tip to hole. Such a perfect asshole. So deep in between his cheeks. I just wanted my face buried in there. I ate it for a while, sucking, teasing, poking until i climbed up his back to kiss his neck and grind my pussy on that beautiful ass. I was so wet I got it all over him. i kept grinding against his ass while pulling his face around to kiss him. He told me how he wanted to feel a cock in his ass and to feel someone fill him up with cum. Its one of my main fantasies I havent got to fulfil, MMF bi threesome, and it turned me on so much hearing this boy tell me that. I wanted to be in his ass so bad but we ended up in a 69 during which I was way too distracted by his abilities and my orgasm to give him much more attention.
There were times during the PIV time that i needed a bit more movement from him, a couple of times where more traditional thrusting felt good for a minute. Having the entrance to my vagina teased with a back and forth shallow motion would feel amazing. Sometimes it was me slowly moving on the penis to change its depth. But at no point did he throw all my desires out the window and start pumping at me. He let me define everything. Because of that I was able to have so many more, and much better orgasms than I ever normally do. I was able to properly relax during sex. I was able to cum without moving. I was able to discover that if the penis was in a certain position I could squeeze my muscles around it and would almost instantly cum. I was able to feel and use muscles I didnt know I had. We were both so relaxed and calm the whole time.
By about 2.30am, 6 hours in, 10 orgasms to me, none to him, I thought of something i needed to do with him before it was all over. I wanted him to sit on my face. I had done it recently with my last love and it was unreal. So I wanted this juicy peach on my face, bad. He was happy to oblige. He played with me a bit too at first, dipping his head to my pussy, but he wasnt in the right position properly on my face, so I got him to stop and just sit up on my face. He was facing away from me and I could reach around and stroke his cock at the same time. He took over stroking his cock as he was getting more and more into it. I could sense how much he liked it, and last time we were together he came with something in his ass each time, so I knew I wanted him to cum like this. A beautiful, big, tanned, soft, big dicked, 21 year old, who gave me the best oral and dick ever, sat on my face, tongue up his asshole and hands on his cheeks, while he stroked his cock faster and faster. I wished I could have seen his face and cock as I felt his asshole twitching, his moans and grunts increasing and he came all over my chest and body. It was so fucking hot. He cleaned me up and we both collapsed. I was definitely freshly horny after that, but it was also super late and as we lay together trying to think how he could finish me off again, we started falling asleep. As he had to get up in 3 hours, we decided to let sleep take over. After a bit of spooning, I rolled over and slept bum to bum.
In the morning he had to get up and ready for work and leave by 6. Watching him walk around and get dressed, while the pleasure and connection from the previous night still lingered, i didn’t want him to go. I got in as much cuddles as I could, but was getting increasingly horny knowing he would be gone and I wouldn’t be getting him or his lovely penis again for a long time. Just as he was ready and about to leave I asked if he fancied a quicky, just to do it one more time before he left. He was naked again, on top of me and inside me straight away. I was so glad to feel him on me and his cock felt so huge stretching me again. He asked if he could fuck me from behind, with it being my favorite at the moment i instantly switched up, and grabbed my vibrator for my clit. There was no pussy massage, no exploring, no calm, I wanted us to both get off before he had to leave and that was it. I wanted him to fuck me hard and fast. I wanted him to have me how he wanted me right then. It was the perfect balance to the night before. I came as he fucked me from behind which set him off getting closer to cumming, his dick growing, his moans and noises so fucking sexy in my ear, bringing me closer again to another orgasm, harder, faster, till just as my orgasm erupted, he pulled his cock out of me and covered my ass and pussy with his cum. It felt so good, so much cum. He was dressed and ready to go before I had even recovered. It was a great goodbye.
After, I was able to reflect on the new sensations and experience i had just had. It was amazing. It really lived up to everything I had wanted it to be. And more. My pussy feels brand new. Sitting writing this 4 days later, I can feel her in ways I never have before. She is still aching, like my legs were after hiking the Grand Canyon a few days before. Overworked muscles. Since then I have been able to isolate my muscles in my pussy better. I had all the pleasure and orgasms and more than I thought I would, given the space to enjoy a penis in a way I wanted. It surpassed my expectations. It wasn’t boring. I wasn’t insecure. I felt whole, in control, safe, comfortable, relaxed, respected, wise, experienced, excited, in a state of heightened sensation, like i was getting a long, luxurious massage.
A skinny person who has never done any exercise does not have visible abs. They are skinny fat. Muscles aren’t just sitting there, defined and developed, just hiding under our fat. They have to be worked out, and worked on. Most vaginas are skinny fat. They are dead meat. It isn’t considered to be a muscle or body part that needs working out or developing, it just is.The idea of doing Kegel exercises is the first, basic, step of developing these muscles, not the be all and end all, or only as a way to stop us dribbling pee when we cough. But penis’ get hard and work those muscles most days. Because of my work, I have gotten to work on my vagina, know it and develop it a lot. But I am barely learning what its possibilities are. Even for me, until now, most of the time and during most pounding PIV time it feels like dead meat. It gets stimulated sexually, but i can’t feel my vagina. However, after getting to use it in a new way the other day, i am starting to see and feel a bit more of what a vagina could do. I can now create stimulation and pleasure just from clenching and flexing certain muscles in my vagina, and am pretty sure with practice, could elicit a orgasm. My pelvic floor is strong enough to not let me insert a dildo into my vagina when I am clenching, even when I use the full force of my arm pushing it against my entrance. The sensations I got using these muscles with a penis were even better than I anticipated they would be. My vagina isn’t a unicorn. I just have had a lifestyle that has enabled me to start working on these things and connect with my vagina on a deeper level. As I continue to question the pleasure gap between male and female sex and look for solutions to the problem, I suggest a much much deeper understanding of what the vagina can do, what actually feels good for women, and how to get the space and understanding to explore our vaginas with a penis. I finally had the sex ive always wanted…but its only just the start.
Dogs In Hats Playing Poker And Smoking
So the best analogy I have come up so far about the nature of humans as animals is that between humans and dogs. There are a variety of species of dogs, some more trainable than others, some more domesticated, some wilder, some are still wild and undomesticated, some are so over bred that hinders their quality of life. There is a spectrum of dogs from most over bred, least capeable, efficient, undog like domesticated dogs, to wild dogs born free and never domesticated. And then there are wolves. That cannot be domesticated. I see humans on the same spectrum. Some so conditioned, trained, incapeable of physical activity, incabeable of free thought, unaware of their emotions, slave to the life they have been told to have. Some let elements of their natural wildness out, through agression, extroversion, sex, drugs, etc, without knowing why. Some are are aware of the world around them, some awakened, some self aware. Some get to live wild and free. Some know they are wild but are trapped in the life they have been told to have. Some get to connect to their true selves, some to their deep human nature. There is the same spectrum of domesticated to wild. And then there are the englightened. The ones who can no longer be domesticated in any way. Who embody and experience the true spirit and nature of the whole species.
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