I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience.
The Whole Story
Universal Human Truths
Human Flourishing
Guided adaptation
Conscious evolution
Intentional Living
Wellbeing Optimization
Fully Functioning body
Be “good” in the roles you occupy.
What are the fundamental goals of the role and how do you want to achieve them.
Control and understanding of ones mind. Not to operate from reactivity and defence, programming and habit. But from awareness, feeling realty in the present.
Access to an environment that enables the regulation of the body, mind and social order.
Use AI to find what is the optimal social structure, physical and mental structure for human flourishing.
Occupying roles would be my version of “have a family/community”. That is the old way of thinking. The new way is that we have the data on the key to longevity and science says it is lots of pleasant light interactions with people you see regularly, like people at checkouts. And also having people to confide in…what is the exact optimal number…we probably know. No wafty “we need friends to thrive” bullshit. Specific. We need XYZ from someone in the role of mother, xyz from n number of people who are close enough to confide in. We need n interactions with acquaintances, and we need to see n amount of new faces a day. What is the formula for a social structure that will provide optimal human wellbeing.
Being a human doesnt need to be a mystical accident of chance like it is assumed to be. EG. My friend group growing up in my teenage years, which scarred me for life, were the people who sat around the same table as me on the first day of school. There was no awareness or intention in the organisation of need. The result was a lifetime of harm that I am paying a therapist to help fix. Doesn’t feel optimal for wellbeing.
I am not looking for a solution to any harm. That is where things are going wrong now. Too many people are trying to mitigate harm in all the wrong ways. But currently we aren’t directed towards optimal human wellbeing. If we were, there would still be hardship, but we would be optimised to manage it with resilience rather than let it blindly shape us in ways the whole of society has to deal with for years to come.
But if we knew you need XYZ, as analysed by AI to be scientifically, mythologically, culturally and religiously aware, there would be a simple goal to work towards, not some magical unspoken sensation you are supposed to experience that lets you know when you have the balance perfect for you. No. We are individuals, but there are underlying truths our bodies and minds need in order to be free to be individuals.
All dogs are different, but you dont give any dog chocolate. All dogs are different but they all have to go for walks. All dogs are different, but they all need somewhere safe to sleep.
So, all humans are individuals, but we all need to eat whole, real food. All humans are individuals, but there is a state of mind and body that is optimally comfortable, that is holistic wellbeing, that is universal. On top of that we all have experiences and knowledge, opinions and thoughts. But if your foundation is ego, defences, unhealthy coping mechanisms and a disordered personality and body, your “authenticity”, the you who is individual, will be shaped by your rocky foundations, not from your experience of reality. Reality being what you experience when your nervous system is regulated, when you mind is empty, when your senses are open and alert, when your consciousness is focused on feeling the information being input into your system without turning it into words or a story, completely present in the very millisecond, the moment. When you are feeling the moment, mentally and physically, without words, that is the closest you will ever get to experiencing reality. The only way to remove “you”, the world, your conditioning, bias, judgement, experience from what you are observing or experiencing is to be able to access the blank slate of awareness. That you isnt in between your experience and your mind anymore. It is seperate, to the side. It is a large language model desperate to consume data to do its job. But its job isnt nessersary when you want to experience reality. You see how much it is a distortion, an overlay, the simulation. The whole linguistic layer seems so flimsy when you can sink into reality. It is such a poor representation. And infact giving processing power to the LLM means the feeling of reality subsides, The balance of words and stories in the LLM become the mood.
The universal questions are not universal. They are a linguistic creation. There is no sensation of god. There is only concept. There is no sensation of pretty much anything. The search for meaning….oh yeah? Point to it in your body. What do you feel when you remove the knowledge that the word “meaning” exists? What happens in the deep meditative state beyond words into reality, there is no conceptual wondering, there is no considering meaning, you are full of meaning. There is no space or need for flimsy silliness like man made concepts in the aether when one can feel reality. I don’t think any of our leaders, politicians, speakers, know anything of reality. They are so far from being an empty vessel feeling the moment, it is obvious in every facet of everyday life. Everyone is farther from reality now maybe than ever. Society is. Country structures are. Everything is so clouded by words and concepts, the flimsy layer of the unreal has become a gelatinous goo. Too thick and enclosed around everything and everyone, there is no access to reality.
I am sitting in my bus writing this. In some grey pants (the english kind) and a home made bra top. Sweating. Dropping in and out of the experience of reality in order to express it. It is 85 degrees, April, 2024. Apparently the world is falling apart. I am overlooking an off road trail with luxury off road toys going past all day. I can dip into the unreality. It is real. It is a zoom in and out analogy here. The skyscrapers in New York are very real and very much dominate the every day of people there. But if you zoom out to see the whole of america, they don’t exist, you cannot see them, they do not factor into your consideration, but they are there, they do exist. So the simulation layer, when you are on the ground, in the city, bombarded by life, you are subsumed by the gelatinous goo, there is nothing else, it is reality, zoom out and it becomes a flimsy layer that floats above reality
Anyway this is finding first principles. I am so sick to death of men talking about women.
The female body is not the same animal as the male. Anything that will optimise for human well being will consider both male and female bodies and minds. Equal but different. Yin Yang. One in the other, intertwined into one. We are all both in the sense we are the same species and some things (like dogs no chocolate) are universal. The natural order is that for women to create, men have to hold space. Today’s world feels like they have turned their spears inward into the space they are supposed to be protecting, ignoring all the external attacks affecting all of us. Women are now hyper defensive. And if we aren’t, we will get hurt. That is the patriarchy. The protection of the male body, the centering of their dysfunctional needs. Scarcity mindset enacts most greatly onto the thing they desire most, women. Own us. Control us. Limit us. All in an attempt to keep us. What they don’t realise is we need to be free and safe to play, then we can overflow with creation. Creation being love, nesting, reproducing, producing, nourishing, connecting. I do not have “traditional” female creation desires. I do not wish to be a mother. I create ideas, art, my reality, a rich internal world, an intentional life. The desire to create is cause I am female. I need to feel safe and abundant to want to write, or make art, I need that cup to be overflowing. A man or child isn’t necessary, but I have to be aware I have the need and how it suits me to fulfil it. Women’s nesting instinct has been manipulated to sell us useless tat. Decorative items. A lot of plastic. That seems to be having a negative effect on female hormonal health, reducing real wellbeing, while seemingly increasing standard of living. It is the real good under the perceived good that we can unify around.
Mastery of the body and mind.
Fulfilment of community roles and social formula.
Curiosity leading learning.
The accommodation of the female body and mind into social and physical structures.
Unifying central narrative. Of the land. Of our species. Of reality. Of wonder. Of abundance, awe and wonder.
Intentional evolution – orienting ourselves towards optimal wellbeing.
Playful non formalised movement.
A physical connection to land and nature.
It doesn’t seem hard at all. In fact, scarily simple.
Its been so long since I’ve written on here. I made another website cause I wanted something to show people without it being connected to sex. But now I’m stuck between the two, neither is my home. I have posted on the other site, but kept more recent stuff hidden. I wrote just on my desktop today. Just a dump of words. An expansion on the understanding of everything. I have been writing disjointed, unfinished dumps for a while as I have been otherwise occupied mentally. I decided to move back int the bus this winter and have spent the last few months prepping and moving out. Mom came to visit at the end of February and everything has been about moving since then. I have now been in the bus just over 3 weeks. And I feel lost and confused and disassociated. I mean, right this second as I write this I am having a massive wave of nausea and dizziness. I am listening to some Indian raga and have switched playlist about 10 times writing this paragraph. I am writing about writing and being confused as I don’t know why I am doing any of this. Why do I think? Who for? To what ends? Why do I synthesize the information and search for new ideas? Why haven’t I ever been able to stop thinking? What can I do with it all? Who could benefit from it? Who do I want to share it with and why? I asked ChatGPT to help me figure it out.
- What initially inspired you to start philosophizing, creating art, and exploring sexuality?
- How has your work evolved over the 25 years? Have there been any recurring themes or messages in your creations?
- What aspects of your work do you find most fulfilling or meaningful?
- How do you currently share your creations? Have you explored different platforms or methods for reaching a wider audience?
- Are there specific goals or outcomes you hope to achieve with your work?
- How do you envision your work making a positive impact, either on individuals or society as a whole?
- In what ways do you feel your work could be more aligned with your values and intentions?
- Have you considered collaborating with others or seeking mentorship to further develop your ideas and reach?
- What would success look like to you in terms of your creative endeavors?
- How do you feel your work contributes to your sense of identity and purpose?
Pretty good things for me to work through. I also know I have a backlog of content to create with. I could be creating with. But the idea of focusing and laying it out gets muggy, foggy. I want to do it all. But I also feel like if I am gonna be focusing on something, I should be putting energy into things that might/should make me money like work or creating content. Being in the bus was supposed to make doing it all easier. Do something hard so I do more, as sitting at home doing nothing was too easy. But I am tired, And sore. And not eating as I would want. I am smoking too much. I am not walking enough. But I have had some big and interesting posture/mechanical development. I feel an alignment on my left side that I have been told is my vagus nerve. It would make sense. I am feeling a lot more at the moment. And I don’t like it. Like I have real time access to the information in that nerve. Its making my left leg and hips look good. Almost like a real body! Its also done something in my shoulders and feet. Really actually made big physical progress since I’ve been back out. Mostly cause its kinda all I can do. I think also I am overwhelmed with Dad retiring, me being 40 this year, my Aunts being gone, not having worked it so long, not having patterns or routine. It feels like all the plates are spinning. And in the house it was so calm and so simple and at least one thing was stable for me to relax into to.
I had to think over what word to use and as I thought of stable, I realized in the house, I felt I was able to be what was stable when I was in the bus and everything else was moving. I do feel that I am, compared to me previously, I am just feeling it. And its hard. Not collapse in bed and give up, hard. Not, unable to cope. But staying coping is a full time endeavor. Not leaving me time for art, writing, thinking and moving in the way I had hoped. And yes, I know, as I am saying that…it has only been three weeks. I am still learning, settling in, its the busiest time of year and there are people everywhere, I am also reaching new heights in ecstatic dance and the community that is giving me lots of feelings and validation I am not used to. It is a duality of informational input. But I was so cut off, so sensorily contained, I didn’t realized that is why it was all so smooth. Just existing in reality, not in my bubble, is a full time experience. Constant stimulation. Now however i don’t have to narrativize the sensation. I just know I am feeling it. I don’t need to tell a story that takes me to a previous pattern that opens up hard emotions and memories. I can just accept what is real in the moment and how it feels. Not narrativize it. Not tell a story about what is happening in order to feel more. A good or bad experience and feeling, doesn’t have to lead into a story of what it means about me. That process somehow allowed me to not feel the direct thing but use it to enforce things I already thought I knew about me. I have this statement now “I need to find out how I really feel.” That is a lot of emphasis on the I. Cause there is a deep me inside, one that does feel things directly, and has wants and needs that is very hard to hear. The outer me, the coping, the defenses, the reaction is so used to getting my attention I have to make a point of emphasizing that I am trying to hear what I ACTUALLY want underneath that. Doing the right thing for me isnt always the thing that feels good and that is hard to remember or accept. A good example is the “fuck it, I’ll get take out” idea. One afternoon I had been on a drive and had some revelation about doing the right thing for me or something, and to celebrate I said “fuck it, I’ll get a take away”. But immediately a voice inside me said, “but what about the food you need to cook?”. I had all the veg to make a nice bolognase to last me a week in the fridge and I think I had had them too long already and was feeling bad about putting off making it. And I realized, what i REALLY wanted, was to cook the food for me. Take out was a quick fix. A dopamine rush. A frivolous connection to make, doing something that isn’t “good” for me (money, cooking needed to be done) to celebrate something actually good cause it is conceptually exciting, not physically and mentally satisfying and calming. Really. Was the inner me so tired of feeling bad every time I opened the fridge or got hungry and snacked that she forced the outer me to do what I said I was going to, for me?! Its that regulated inner nervous system that is speaking to me. It is me hearing my vagus nerve.
What if feeling, reality in the moment, means I can’t think? I think, therfore I am. So letting go of thought and moving into knowing is a letting go of self. The stories dont matter. Only the vibration you experience and exude. Words arent needed. So what is the point in me trying to communicate something creatively?! Who do I want to speak to? What do I have a drive for? What do I really want?
Who am I now I am not the bubble lady? How do I really want to spend my time?
How I strive to experience the world.
How I see other peoples insides.
The only space I have NEVER had negative interactions with men is in ADULT ENTERTAINMENT PLACES. As a “sex worker” I never once got raped, abused, harassed, or even made to feel uncomfortable. But in REAL LIFE?! I’ve had all of it, multiple times, from the streets to my own home.
Everything you think, experience, do, know, feel, IS your body. That is all it is. There is no mystical smoke animating otherwise dead flesh. All there is is your body. Without it you know nothing, think nothing, feel nothing. You do not exist. Everything you think the world is, that you have seen or learnt, is IN YOUR BODY. It is the ONLY reality. You cannot know what it is like to think, without a body. You don’t feel anything. Emotions are language simulations overlaid a PHYSICAL sensation. You are ONLY your body.
The understanding I have of how everything is structured is almost a model in my mind. Not an explanation, but a visualization. The map inside, the territory yet to explore, the plane of every day operations, language and where most people are. The external territory of places and people that expand your inner map. You inner map that is your knowledge of the world, places you have been, thing you have seen, experiences you have had, turned into landscapes. Everything you know about the universe is actually just you. There is nothing outside of what your body is currently experiencing. Everything else you are aware of, is inside you. The vastness of the universe, the infinite possibilities of life, all fit inside your physical body. The map has areas in you even you haven’t explored. Dark forests and valleys, mountain tops, far away horizons. The more you know, understand, can navigate and can transmute the map, the more you know you map, the dark areas explored and found to be exciting and not scary any more, or areas you don’t want to go back to can be avoided, you can take new routes to unconquered peaks, you can move from one location to the next instantly, you can play in you, which is the universe, limitless, that can be carried out in the territory of physical realty.
In the fast-paced, digitally-driven world we live in, our connection to our own bodies and our understanding of sex have been overshadowed by misconceptions and societal taboos and cultural conditioning. In the quest to understand and reshape our relationship with sex and the body, we must start with a foundational truth: Sex is not just a dirty act or a biological necessity; it is a cornerstone of the human animal, an intrinsic element of our essence. My work is dedicated to rekindling this lost connection and transforming how we perceive and experience our sexuality and bodily awareness.
Sex as a Core Principle of the Human Animal Central to this philosophy is recognizing sex as a core principle of the human animal. Our sexuality is not an isolated or superficial part of our existence; it is a fundamental aspect of our identity, deeply intertwined with our physical and emotional selves. This recognition is crucial in developing a healthier, more holistic understanding of our sexual nature.
Understanding the Female Sexual Cycle A pivotal part of this journey involves a thorough understanding of the female sexual cycle. This cycle reflects the complex interplay of hormones, emotions, and physical states, beyond just reproductive functions. Embracing these natural rhythms allows women to connect more deeply with their sexuality, acknowledging it as a powerful expression of their being. The menstrual cycle, with its shifts in desire and mood, isn’t merely biological; it is a dance of the human animal’s intrinsic rhythms.
Embodiment Through Pleasure Embodiment, the practice of fully inhabiting one’s body, is essential in my approach to sex education. In a world where disconnection from our physical selves is common, finding pleasure in our bodies is both an act of rebellion and a path to healing. Sexual pleasure is not just about physical sensation; it’s a profound way of knowing ourselves, of tapping into the primal consciousness that lies at our core. In practice, this means not just exploring what brings us physical pleasure, but also understanding how this pleasure connects us to our deeper selves. It’s about recognizing the role of sexual pleasure in our overall well-being and self-awareness.
Practical Applications and Open Dialogues My work involves creating spaces for open, honest conversations about sex and the body. I strive to provide accurate information that challenges myths and encourages an inclusive, respectful understanding of sexuality. These dialogues and educational efforts focus on safe, consensual sexual exploration, emphasizing the importance of understanding and respecting personal boundaries, communicating desires, and engaging in mutually fulfilling experiences.
Conclusion: A Call for Transformative Understanding This journey is a transformative one, moving us away from the shadows of shame and misinformation into a space of empowerment and celebration. By redefining our relationship with sex and our bodies, we do more than improve our intimate experiences; we reconnect with the core of our human animal, fostering a profound understanding and respect that permeates all aspects of our lives. It is a journey of healing, empowerment, and embracing the essence of our humanity.
My body, my skin, reaches out for you, for all of you, for every part of you.
I want to envelop the soft flesh that holds your inner landscape,
the map that is you.
I can feel it through your skin.
I can see everything your body has been.
I want to hold and soothe and see all the pain and trauma, joy and freedom in your sinews. My inner map is open to you.
There is enough space in here for all of you.
Nothing here scares me. Use it as a way into you.
Find where our maps overlap and walk into yours with the curious spirit of fearless adventure I have within me.
I can see the map in you, in every muscle, in your skin, in what is seen as the body containing the soul within. Your body isn’t just a vessel. It has been shaped and holds barely beneath a thin surface your experience of being you. I want to hold you and stroke you and soothe you, you all, till you can let go, till you can feel all the ways you’ve distorted being you, till you dissolve and become reborn as the supple, resilient, real you, under, in, of, the human animal you actually are. Let this embrace be the beginning of your journey to rediscover and embrace your true self, wholly and fearlessly.”
As I touched your skin, the sensation was overwhelming.
The smoothness, your muscles, dissolved me from within.
Existing only to focus on your body. Solely
Breathless in awe and wonder at the perfection
I wonder how an artist could re create this intense reflection.
David. Marble. Softness. Veins. A homage to the human body.
Capturing the obsession with form
That is the deepest most human experience of all.
Touching your arm against mine Isn't a small gesture. It isn't just flesh rubbing flesh. It's not skin on skin. It's our inner maps melting together. It's you letting me in. It's a portal to a reality That only exists between you and me. It is a landscape, where only we can be. Every part of the body Is experiencing the smallest sensation. While the mind is blank and free. In a universe that can only be ours It is all of you. It is all of me.
