I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome, so I took this as a warm up. I had lots of orgasms, i think. I dont really remeber as we got wild high. But I get orgasms, so i assume i had lots. In the morning before he went to work I got him to give me a proper dicking, so that was a nice few minutes before he rushed off to work. I knew the threesome thing wasnt 100% even though we had extended the hotel another night for them, as, well, people are people. Ideas are great till it comes time to do it. So I thought it was worth getting some back up dick in that day, while I had the hotel to myself, to make sure I got the dicking I wanted to in that hotel, after looking forward to it for the last sex starved month. I found a boy on tinder who I thought was worth it. Its a fairly hard to describe the process of decisions that lead me to decide who I will meet or even talk to. Its much more of a sense. A mutual rhythm. Using my intuition. A bit of online stalking. Schedules lining up. Equivalent energy. I can go weeks or months without finding someone I align with. Then boom it happens and Ive usually met them within a few hours to a couple of days. Anyway, he was one of them. Ish. Cause I really just wanted dick. I dropped a lot of the filters I usually use and focused on his face. It was really good. Butttt as I hadnt used my other filters, when I met him, I saw all the signals I had missed and would usually have picked up on and moved on from. But it was fine. I was high as fuck and gettting off on the idea id just ordered this boy over to my hotel to use his pretty face and dick. I giggled while we smoked in the bus and he talked about some shit. I wasnt listening. I was giggling thinking of how cute his face was and how I just wanted to take advantage of him. I grinned thinking of how in control I was and how I would be fucking him soon. Taking joy in objectifying him while he carried on talking about some other shit. He wasnt a 10, or anything close, he was kinda weird, but I wasnt looking for a connection. I wanted a good fucking. After drawing out the talking and flirting to the point of awkwardness, I jumped on him. I dooo like making them wait, even though I knew already it was on and I didnt need any convincing or connection before hand. In fact only one I can remeber has had enough balls to just come and meet me and take me immediately for a long time. They normally happily (probably not really) sit around talking about some deep shit for hours before we establish enough of a mutual understanding to move forward physically. Which Im getting pretty sick of, which is basically what this story is about me unpacking. So ill get back to the narrative to finish the story before I explore the point of it. Basically, finishing the aside, the 20 year old who came in the bus the first time meeting me and just grabbed me and kissed me was fucking amazing. This dude wasnt that. So eventually I jumped on him. And he was actually really sexy. I was happily suprised. He had good moves. I dont remeber his kissing or cock tho. That sex amnesia! I blame it on my god like ability to be super present in the moment so that time and space no longer exist and i am only sensation. I have no body parts, I am just a quantity of energy experiencing pleasure. My body moves without direction. I have no brain. I become animal. My vagina is the drivver of my body. Ecstacy its motivation. There is no bed, no room, no tomorrow. There can be another entitiy there with me or I can be experiencing it entirely alone. However the people I feel i can bond with are the ones who can have the same experience of sex. I also hope for some I have facilitated a space to explore that with no judgement. But that was just supposed to be a quick point about why i dont remeber this boys cock. It could also be cause I saw a lot this week! The first sex was good and long. The second was less good. Cause I got way too tempted to let his cock slip inside me for a second before I put the condom on cause Im really selfish in bed and the combination of the pre sex teasing, the naughtiness of not using a condom and the sensitibity of my pussy, I can come instantly from that. Which is exactly what happened. I had planned on whipping it out, shoving a condom on it and carry on fucking him for a while. However, me cumming made him pull out and cum all over my leg. Which was frustrating on so many levels. First and foremost, that he was that close to cumming inside of me, when i was just trying to cop a sneaky feel of his dick. (yes I know I am not in a position to blame him for this, but i was mad). Also the post no condom moments tend to feel worse than the pleasure gained from the taboo kink I experience in the moment. And then also that meant no more orgasms for me. So I said I had to work, which I did. And sent him on his way. He wanted to meet again. But I did not. I worked for a bit on cam and then got ready for the couple to come over. I was super nervous as Id never been in this situation before. It was like being set up on a date with a fuck buddies girlfriend. It wasnt like that, it was that. However I know life isnt porn so I also knew that sex might not even happen. I knew they wanted to talk about some potential porn ideas and that we would all have a lot to talk about anyway as I find them very interesting. So I was open to have whatever needed to happen, happen. We texted a bit when they were on their way about how nervous we all were, which was cute. Then eventually, they arrived. She was gorgeous. Like beyond. So totally different than i imagined her. We ended up sitting on the bed and got chatting. And we got deep pretty quickly. What they ended up needing was a space to talk about some ideas they had with each other, but with a third, non judgemental party, to mirror themselves back to each other, in the room. And it was lovely. I got to help two amazing people realize things about themselves and each other that will create positive growth for them as individuals and the relationship they are navigating. She did end up getting cross faded and vomited the last couple of hours till they managed to leave. Which is totally my fault as I kept handing her the vape pen cause she seemed to be enjoying it so much. After they left I smoked a bit more and watched some arrested development, content despite it being such a different experience.
I am battling so hard with myself right now about what to write about what is next. I want to write that I dont want to write about it. I also want to say it was too gross to talk about. But it wasnt at all. At the time it was lovely. But right now. Gross. I seem to have gained this retrospective disgust over mens looks. When I look back at someone I fucked a few days later, I have started to sometimes feel repulsed I let them have sex with me. Despite even feeling a connection at the time. And desire. But when all that is gone I am dissapointed with my standards. That is kind of another theme of this musing on all the sex I had. I think I have this for like 3 of the 4. To differeing degrees. Which is why Im looking into my motivations for sex through this story, see what mistakes im making. See what isnt serving me and what isnt helping me grow and move past it so i am able to have more positive and healthy sexual relations in the future. Before the sex drought I had sex with two boys. One did the post sex revulsion thing to me. The other didnt. I swore I wouldnt let that happen again. I thought Id understood the level i needed. But I think I have still underestimated my new standard. I dont know if this standard has arrisen from a deeper self worth, from my self love and understanding growing so intense, or from having been spoilt over the years with getting to fuck the hottest men ive ever seen. But my standard now is high. But that makes it so hard to get sex.. And I dont get any where near the amount of sex i want or need as it is, without having to adhere to my standards aswell! This is why i miss legal sex work. I got all the sex I needed and wanted and wasnt grossed out by the men cause they were balancing the equation with cash. I like to be able to look back on the men Ive fucked and still get a boner over them. Like the 20 year old. And sometimes they are still hot but go batshit crazy. Like sectioned crazy. So I wouldnt fuck them again. But still. They were Hot. Boner.
So now Ive softened the blow/made it way worse, I will say, in retrospect, I dont love what follows. I dont want to detail it really. ill bash it out and see what happens. The next one i spoke to the night before. we spoke again the sunday morning and made plans to meet. he/she was interesting sexually and had similar interests to talk about. we met. i ate food. we talked good shit. it was interesting. we went back to the bus. I had parked in the transit center. Which is where we fucked. I got to fuck him in the ass with my strap on. I wanted to get what I wanted out of it cause he wanted to “groom” each other and some sensual shit. It ended up being sex. Pegging then sex. With his tiny finger penis. I feel so bad being mean about it. I was nice in the moment. He is still a decent human adn the intereaction was valid and real. but. it just wasnt hot. We cuddled and sexed again before he left. That will do.
I parked up at walmart for the night and ate cake to recover. The next morning I went and bought a new phone holder for the window of the bus. when i was back in the bus fixing it, i noticed a boy in a van in the spot in front of me. He looked pretty cute, so i messed around with the phone holder for about 15 minutes longer than i needed to while i watched him and we smiled and waved at each other. I went back in the bus and was getting ready to drive off when he came over and asked if i wanted to smoke. His giant dog came in the bus and I did really well at being totally fine with it. We smoked a few bowls, a joint and chatted and laughed for a a few hours about life on the road mostly. And he was way cuter than Id thought when I saw him out the window. I was crushing on him. But he had to go to work. We swapped numbers and said we would meet up again. I was super excited and like a teenager for the rest of the after and was super excited about seeing him again. I got to my favorite spot here in this area and let him know where I was. He ended up getting off work early to come out and meet me. This was about 9pm on the Monday. I was cooking dinner, so we ate and talked for a while. There were about 3 or 4 awkward silences that could have been filled with me making a move, but I was making sure he was wanting me to! Eventually I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. We spent the next 40 hours naked in the back of my bus, smoking, talking, eating, sexing. I had a lotttt to tell him about what to do and not to do with my body. It was hard work at times, but he was trying and geting better and better. He took all my constructive critism so well. I do like giving people a hard time when I like them, its a english thing. So I teased him about the things I was trying to get him to change too! It takes a certain type of character I value highly, to not take yourself too seriously and to laugh along with someone pointing out a character or behavioural flaw. I need people around me to be self aware and to not have strong or fragile egos. There were moments when I felt like i was using him to access the sexual meditation i described earlier. He wasnt used to a woman directing the sex so didnt know how to react to it. It felt like he was just letting it happen to him. Which is exactly what I think a lot of sex is like for men. As women let sex happen to them as that is the way it is meant to be. I knew my actions werent gettting him off and he didnt know how to access the supportive role I need from a man. I dont expect a stranger to be able to react to me or my body like that the first time we fuck. But I do like a man who can let go to the pleasure in the moment and not even worry about how to react to me. I would indulge myself for a bit when I felt him just recieving my sex, but would pull myself out of it to reconnect with him. His dick was nice. Biggest Ive had in a while. A nice handful. It didnt make me sore though. Which is perfect. His body was nice. A active human. Not skinny, some definition. He was sexy. I have a medium boner over him now. It was a really nice time. Lots of being cute and connecting. Cuddling and looking at each other. Some tears shed. Ive had a few of these type of experiences over the last year and I manifested this one into existence. I think I thought I was craving this type of deep connection. That just sex wasnt good enough unless its with a 12. So I needed this. And then it arrived at my door. I remeber talknign about how I had stopped valuing “connections” a couple of years ago, with Kate, cause I connect with everyone. And that is kind of how I feel after this weekend. There was so much sharing. So much connecting and explaining. So many valuable conversations. That they start to loose their value.
Now Im craving a 12 that wont really even talk to me. Lets connect over sext about how hot we are. Then come let me worship at the alter of male perfection. I want to lick 8 abs. And a sex V. I want tanned smooth skin. I want some shitty tattoos. I want groomed body hair. I want soap and aftershave. I want to show off all the skills ive learned to try and be the best sex hes ever had, even if im not the hottest. Cause he is so hot he would get any woman in the world. I want my body used and manipulated for the male pleasure it was designed for. Revel in the pleasure I want to give.
Its like some kind of in built animal hiarachy in me. Lesser physical specimines of men than myself are there to serve me and my pleasure, give me orgasms, listen to and adopt my suggestions, behave. But men I am lesser than make me want to serve them. To be the provider or orgasms, the performer of pleasure. Dont get me wrong. Give me a 12 that wants to do exactly the same shit as me anyyyday. But that is some unicorn fantasy bullshit I wont even entertain the idea of for the pain it would bring me every day that it isnt in my life.
Or maybe all this is, is sex addiciton? Always needing new, more, different. Ive had my fill and thrill of “connecting” and now I need hot sex and weirder sex. Or it could just be the natural fluctuations of my sexuality and needs? Sometimes im loving and open, sometimes im hard and mean.
I dont want to feel bad about anyone I have sex with. But I cant find a balance of keeping my standards to what i enjoy and getting enough sex to keep me mentally and physically healthy. This week has been a trial and error review of trying to find what i need. I feel blank and empty. Drained. I dont feel sexually satisfied. Nor aesthetically satisfied. I feel like i had a low standard version of everything ineeded. and that doesnt feel good. and it doesnt make me feel nice sayimg it. I cannot express enough how this isnt any reflection on the people i spent time with. this is just my experience of an interaction with them and its impact on me. I still value these people for who they are and the time they spent with me and what they gave me. I am not saying they are lesser than me. I am exploring how I am not valuing the connection, that was real, as highly in my needs to be satisfied. I am not unaware that connection and giving is a two way street and for some people, especially males, its much harder for them to give, than a woman who does it professionally. But it wouldnt be fair to me to write something that isnt true. If i did that, this whole thing would be pointless.
This is ultimately the journey I am on in life. One of finding the sexual balance in my life that works. I continue to explore what I enjoy, need, value and want. And hopefully after I regain my energy from the last week, I will be able to understand more than I did before it.
Painful to read. Agony to share. But a adreniline rush to do.