The reason it is “yes all men” to me is that the numbers I’ve personally experienced don’t match with any other claim. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed (unwanted touching and above), raped or suffered partner abuse, were abused as children, and some or all of the above. Now, I have been raped 5 times. I have been in 1 extremely abusive relationship that broke my entire self for 6 years after, and another that got me addicted to cocaine. I have been inappropriately touched by literally countless men in bars and nightclubs (even though I expect it in that scenario, should I think its normal and ok?). I used to write down the “compliments” men would shout out their car or van windows to me as I walked to university and wear them with pride, I tried to take ownership of the constant onslaught of unwanted sexual attention. At a absolute minimum, I have had 20 men lay hands on my body and alter my brain, without my consent. Of these 20 men, only one would think of himself as someone who has harmed a woman. The first rapist was arrested for statutory rape. The 4 other men who used my body when I was passed out, thought they were just fucking a easy chick they got lucky with. The man who destroyed my sense of self and ability to function, didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. The boy who got me addicted to coke so I would buy it for him while I paid him to work for me and live with me, all while his other woman was in another city, was “just having a good time”. And the faceless hands in the nightclubs were attached to men too drunk… Read More "The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me."
Back to work today after Moms visit. Feeling a bit foggy brained. Had Patrick, spoke to Dad. Watching Andy Warhol Documentary while I get ready. Feeling artistic and inspired. Read More "Diary"
Sex Workers Aren’t Looking to Date
I make a point of letting them know this isnt a dating site and it doesnt matter where I am. Cause no way in hell will I be leading these people on and letting them think asking sex workers where they live is ok. Id rather kill boners and educate idiots that I dont even want paying me, than perpetuate problematic ideas in sex work. Read More "Sex Workers Aren’t Looking to Date"
I’m slowly moving out of CPTSD. My relationship that caused it ended 6 years ago. I have done two years of therapy 2-5 hours a week. Not just for CPTSD but everything feels like it’s coming together. I wanted to share to say, it can get better. There is progress. Things are possible to learn like DBT/CBT skills and they work. It’s fucking intense hard work to fix yourself, but I promise it’s worth it. Read More "C-PTSD"
30th January 2021
i am denser, more round and heavier but i am smaller and take up less space. im not as big and vague as i thought, im contained and tight. i never wanted to look like i was trying not even trying to hold my body up Read More "30th January 2021"
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in the same room as. Typing in to the void of the internet, even when there is a friend on the other end who will teply, is all I have. Text online is my main communication medium. So here we go. Im too lonely to get on cam. I get this once a month ish, where it just gets too much. Travelling for so long, being entirely alone in this country, having no friends and having no men interested in me (that shouldnt be paying me), and not having had sex or any intimate touch for so long, just gets too much. I have been thinking about it a lot the past few days. In the last 4 years I have only had 2 guys persue any kind of relationship, text me first or want more from me than a second or third bang sesh, and they didnt last long. And… Read More "Lonliness"
i cant take it any more
I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more. I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its “real work”, not cause i want a job, not cause I’m forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time doing, Its what I want to do for the rest of my life. It is what makes me want to exist. I am so sick of the narratives around sex work. I’m sick of hearing sex workers claim their right to “real work”. I’m sick of people who have no inkling of what it is like to sell sex, that it is oppressive and bad for people. I’m sick of people ignoring the massive mental health crisis that is emerging from the lack of intimacy in our lives. I’m sick of men shooting people cause they don’t have access to sexual services. I’m sick of sex being treated like a toxic thing. I’m sick of the culture shaming casual sex. I’m sick of…. Read More "i cant take it any more"
why there is so much pain.
why there is so much pain. I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for feeling se depressed and fucked up when my life isnt as bad as it is painful. everything is even more painful at the moment due to my isolation. i withdrew cause of trauma and hurt and repeated relationship failures and my bpd characteristics ruining relationships. but now im so far from reality and bpd has taken over so much, i dont feel capable of forming healthy relationships, or coping with them while they occur. all the evidence i have shows me that any relationships will end anyway. and when it ends it could hurt so bad and could ruin my life for over 5 years and i believe i would probably die if i got my heartbroken again. all this means im now too scared to interact with people. i have no confidence in myself with other people and no belief or trust in other people that they wont destroy… Read More "why there is so much pain."
I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome, so I took this as a warm up. I had lots of orgasms, i think. I dont really remeber as we got wild high. But I get orgasms, so i assume i had lots. In the morning before he went to work I got him to give me a proper dicking, so that was a nice few minutes before he rushed off to work. I knew the threesome thing wasnt 100% even though we had extended the hotel another night for them, as, well, people are people. Ideas are great till it comes time to do it. So I thought it was worth getting some back up dick in that day, while I had the hotel to myself, to make sure I got the dicking I wanted to in that hotel, after looking forward to it for the last sex starved month. I found a boy on tinder who I… Read More "Connecting"
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir. I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done. Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always had sex amnesia. I forget what happened after its finished. And then i forget what their penises were like. On cam i forget what show we did. They all just blur into one. I wonder if i should write about how i find the sex i do. How im the hunter.how i choose. The high failure rate. Potential bio to fix it. Ultimately a new kind of dating app to be made. I have been using dating apps and websites to find sex for about 12 years now. I never really used them for dates. Sometimes id go through phases thinking i wanted dates, but really i just wanted a certain level of respect to be gained/felt or earnt from my future partner before we had sex. Now i can comand that just with the sex act alone and never need the pretence of a date. I have also never… Read More "Stream Of Consciousness"
Welcome To Me
I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience. I am a woman who has taken part in all aspects of sex work for 8 years, who studied and wrote her dissertation on female sexuality in the 21st century at University of London, who has had nearly 400 partners, been in love at least 8 times, has been married, and divorced, has had 500+ professional sexual experiences, and 8 years of webcam work interacting with and giving orgams to hundreds of thousands of men will all kinds of kinks, interests, penises, sexuality and personality. If my experience was in any other field I would be able to proudly claim my expertise. If sex and sexual women weren’t still so suppressed, then people with actual experience would be the ones writing about it. I could proudly share my experience and knowledge without fear of anyone saying I’m less human, less intelligent, less worthy, because of it. I would be respected for the depth of my knowledge, time dedicated to and insight into the topic. So that is why I am going to share everything I know. Because living a sexual life is very different to looking at it from the outside and theorizing about it. I am… Read More "Welcome To Me"