Out with Kitty and Bussy for a reset after my trip to England. A bit lost in life. But finding myself in the spaces. A lot of my struggles can be relieved by soothing my body. Letting it relax, expand, dropping fight or flight responses. Only then can I find the freedom in my humanity. Read More "In the Bus"
The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me.
The reason it is “yes all men” to me is that the numbers I’ve personally experienced don’t match with any other claim. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed (unwanted touching and above), raped or suffered partner abuse, were abused as children, and some or all of the above. Now, I have been raped 5 times. I have been in 1 extremely abusive relationship that broke my entire self for 6 years after, and another that got me addicted to cocaine. I have been inappropriately touched by literally countless men in bars and nightclubs (even though I expect it in that scenario, should I think its normal and ok?). I used to write down the “compliments” men would shout out their car or van windows to me as I walked to university and wear them with pride, I tried to take ownership of the constant onslaught… Read More "The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me."
Diary
Back to work today after Moms visit. Feeling a bit foggy brained. Had Patrick, spoke to Dad. Watching Andy Warhol Documentary while I get ready. Feeling artistic and inspired. Read More "Diary"
2/23/22
2/1/22
2/2/22
Sex Workers Aren’t Looking to Date
I make a point of letting them know this isnt a dating site and it doesnt matter where I am. Cause no way in hell will I be leading these people on and letting them think asking sex workers where they live is ok. Id rather kill boners and educate idiots that I dont even want paying me, than perpetuate problematic ideas in sex work. Read More "Sex Workers Aren’t Looking to Date"
1/18/22
1/2/22
C-PTSD
I’m slowly moving out of CPTSD. My relationship that caused it ended 6 years ago. I have done two years of therapy 2-5 hours a week. Not just for CPTSD but everything feels like it’s coming together. I wanted to share to say, it can get better. There is progress. Things are possible to learn like DBT/CBT skills and they work. It’s fucking intense hard work to fix yourself, but I promise it’s worth it. Read More "C-PTSD"
I felt like I was an alien that had never been to earth. Now I feel like a human who has ascended to space.
30th January 2021
i am denser, more round and heavier but i am smaller and take up less space. im not as big and vague as i thought, im contained and tight. i never wanted to look like i was trying not even trying to hold my body up Read More "30th January 2021"
Lonliness
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in… Read More "Lonliness"
i cant take it any more
I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more. I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its “real work”, not cause i want a job, not cause I’m forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time… Read More "i cant take it any more"
why there is so much pain.
why there is so much pain. I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for… Read More "why there is so much pain."
Connecting
I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome,… Read More "Connecting"
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir. I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done. Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always… Read More "Stream Of Consciousness"
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