The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me.
The reason it is “yes all men” to me is that the numbers I’ve personally experienced don’t match with any other claim. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed (unwanted touching and above), raped or suffered partner abuse, were abused as children, and some or all of the above. Now, I have been raped 5 times. I have been in 1 extremely abusive relationship that broke my entire self for 6 years after, and another that got me addicted to cocaine. I have been inappropriately touched by literally countless men in bars and nightclubs (even though I expect it in that scenario, should I think its normal and ok?). I used to write down the “compliments” men would shout out their car or van windows to me as I walked to university and wear them with pride, I tried to take ownership of the constant onslaught… Read More "The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me."
Finding Sexual Supremacy Through Celibacy
Well it has been a long time since Ive written and a lot has developed for me. I think its worth pointing out that I have spent the last 3 years working with multiple therapist for my mental health and working on fixing postural issues and trauma encoded in my body. During this process I have been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. I relate heavily to the diagnosis of Asperger’s even though we arent supposed to call it that anymore. But it matters to me. Asperger’s is a very certain type of Autism that is mostly associated with men, and male genius, and male behavior that is actually normalized by society, where as a woman with Asperger’s is the opposite of what society says a woman should be. So in terms of people understanding me clearly, I think it important to identify with something that is typically considered… Read More "Finding Sexual Supremacy Through Celibacy"
Why I Can’t Get Sex
Random Number Generator
So what if I was to write some blogs while I was on cam and it is super slow. hmmm. Lets try a random number generator 102 – Dave Babeshadow 220 – Liverpool Threesome I guess I’ll start with the threesome. I am not 100% sure where the night started. I was back in England for a final trip before going back to Australia for a couple of years. I think i;d been out with my gay friend in my home town. I might have even been out with my stepsister. Either way, I ended up at a Holiday Inn with 2 dudes from Liverpool. I was excited to start writing this one but now I cant remeber anythung that happened. Just that we were on the bed next to the bathroom and a threesome was had. I dunno if I DPed them. At the……. Read More "Random Number Generator"
I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want… Read More "I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”"
…told you about my list.
I have written about my list before, but here we are again. I remember sitting in class, age 15, with my girlfriends and we were trying to figure out how many people we had kissed. This was before I started going out, before I started partying. But not before I lost my virginity. In order to remember all the people I had kissed, I started a list. I don’t have my original list to hand, so I don’t know what number I was at when I started, but pretty soon after I started the list, I started going out. And the numbers grew exponentially. I got really into kissing as many boys as I could in a night. 10 was normal. One night I remember only kissing three boys and I was heartbroken. Age 16 I thought I had peaked. That one night with only 3 boys made me panic… Read More "…told you about my list."
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone.… Read More "Bad Day"
…had to guess who 242 was.
Right. I am using a random number generator to pick numbers off my list to get me writing some of these up. As of today I am at 398. I have written about 60 of them. So that leaves around 338 to go! Plenty of writing to be done then! So first number drawn is 242 : D 21st Bday Trip Its a good start that I dont remeber the first one I have to do. I have tried to do some digging, looking at pictures from that day and seeing who else I fucked around that time. 2 days later I had another 21st Bday Trip. I am not entirely sure, they might have been from the same group, or it was just a coincidence. It was in a town where lots of groups of lads would come for vacations, so there were always lots of boys on trips!… Read More "…had to guess who 242 was."
…picked a dud.
It picked 1. But that is a massive story that I’m not ready to share yet. It involves a trip to America, shitty “friends”, a wild party, a hospital stay, the front pages on all the national newpapers in the UK and some in the US as well as features on the 6 O’clock news, school suspensions, nervous breakdowns, teachers quitting and a family fleeing the US for ten years. No big deal…No wonder I have a wild sex life that I dont mind sharing! Read More "…picked a dud."
…fucked a fan
The number generator today picked 224. And that means I also have to talk about 223….cause it was a threesome. I dont know how we started hanging out, but we were at the big backpackers club/hostel in town, and I was sat on a pool table with both of them. Making out with both of them, one at a time. People were certainly interested as we weren’t hiding anything. One was the standard hot aussie, nice body, just hot. The other was a bit more alternative, 224, with dark hair and tattoos. I dont think at that point I had anything to hide from anyone. There wasnt someone I was trying to see or convince I was better behaved than I am. So I didnt care that people were watching me with both of them. We went back to theirs at some point. Not sure if it was a hotel… Read More "…fucked a fan"
…I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it
i guess i know if it was good sex, when i wake up horny and masturbate without porn to the memory of the sex. this isnt something that happens often. any of it. the sex good enough or the masturbating to a memory. that is how today started. after previously deciding i was done with using people solely for sex and wanted to spend time with people in their territory, doing activities, valuing them as a human, swearing off “hangout” dates and looking for hot men for sex on dating apps, I endered the horny phase of my monthly cycle and threw all my new resolve out the window. I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it, even if its just once more to convince me not to again. I cant be bothered to write about how i found the one i did and the ups… Read More "…I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it"
…Said No To Sex
Saying no to sex doesnt seem like a radical concept. But to me it is. Men will, pretty much, fuck anything. I, intentionally, am very particular with who I meet up with off dating apps and who I even spend too much time talking to in public because I know, ultimately, or even initially, that those men will want to fuck me. Being an attractive, white, middle class, intelligent, sexual woman will do for all but the most picky of penises. It is not my ego saying this. It is the understanding of my physical privelidged, place in the world and how men react to it. Im not saying they all wanna fuck me and not other women. They just want a vagina. And mine is good enough for pretty much anyone who wants a fuck. I, however, am not like that. Yes I like as much dick and boys… Read More "…Said No To Sex"
Connecting
I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome,… Read More "Connecting"
Today is my 20 year sex anniversary…Loosing My Virginity.
To Me: Today is my 20 year sex anniversary. And I dont want to do anyone about it. I am 18 people away from a total of 400. I had kind of hoped I could co inside my 400 with my 20 year but the circumstances have not arisen so I will not force a number correlation. I am working on the bus at the moment. It is driving me mad. Its taking forever. but it is pretty fucking awesome. im scared to be excited about it incase it isnt gonna be as good as i think it is!!!! She is taking up most of my brain at the moment. So i guess so it shall be that my 20 year sexiversaty is spent introspectively and self indulgently. It feels right. like a lot changed at that moment and now is a time to reclaim some of that space for… Read More "Today is my 20 year sex anniversary…Loosing My Virginity."
…thought sex might not matter as much any more.
I have been out of the bus for just over 2 weeks now while I renovate it and I can safely say it is affecting who i am as a person. I had some of the “best” sex ive had in a while/forever last week and I dont care. I think its cause i dont fancy him. Read More "…thought sex might not matter as much any more."
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir. I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done. Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always… Read More "Stream Of Consciousness"
…first has sex in the Bus.
Bus gets a capital B because she is my best friend. She is getting her drive shaft fixed right now and I’m in the office of the mechanics, reading and writing erotic stories. So I have a lot of time to kill as I think we are gonna be here another night or 5, I might as well write about my first sex in the bus! When I first got the Bus I was going through a bit of no sex phase. The previous few years had been really hard and I was still going through phases of recovery and growth. I had been intentionally celibate on and off. But eventually I started tentatively swiping on Bumble again. I found a guy who said he wanted to practice massage for his certification exam in a few days, and was willing to give a free massage. I was a little wary,… Read More "…first has sex in the Bus."
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