The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me.
The reason it is “yes all men” to me is that the numbers I’ve personally experienced don’t match with any other claim. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed (unwanted touching and above), raped or suffered partner abuse, were abused as children, and some or all of the above. Now, I have been raped 5 times. I have been in 1 extremely abusive relationship that broke my entire self for 6 years after, and another that got me addicted to cocaine. I have been inappropriately touched by literally countless men in bars and nightclubs (even though I expect it in that scenario, should I think its normal and ok?). I used to write down the “compliments” men would shout out their car or van windows to me as I walked to university and wear them with pride, I tried to take ownership of the constant onslaught of unwanted sexual attention. At a absolute minimum, I have had 20 men lay hands on my body and alter my brain, without my consent. Of these 20 men, only one would think of himself as someone who has harmed a woman. The first rapist was arrested for statutory rape. The 4 other men who used my body when I was passed out, thought they were just fucking a easy chick they got lucky with. The man who destroyed my sense of self and ability to function, didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. The boy who got me addicted to coke so I would buy it for him while I paid him to work for me and live with me, all while his other woman was in another city, was “just having a good time”. And the faceless hands in the nightclubs were attached to men too drunk… Read More "The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me."
Finding Sexual Supremacy Through Celibacy
Well it has been a long time since Ive written and a lot has developed for me. I think its worth pointing out that I have spent the last 3 years working with multiple therapist for my mental health and working on fixing postural issues and trauma encoded in my body. During this process I have been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. I relate heavily to the diagnosis of Asperger’s even though we arent supposed to call it that anymore. But it matters to me. Asperger’s is a very certain type of Autism that is mostly associated with men, and male genius, and male behavior that is actually normalized by society, where as a woman with Asperger’s is the opposite of what society says a woman should be. So in terms of people understanding me clearly, I think it important to identify with something that is typically considered male. This has also been my journey with sexual devolopment. Taking on the role, attitude, performance or male sexuality in order to highlight how contradictory our male and female sexual narratives are. Where I was at when I last wrote about this, was a place of burden. I knew sex was wrong. I knew the sex I had been having wasnt what I wanted. I had thought of how it might be different and with this knowledge I tried to have the sex I wanted by doing all the work. I would make them lay back while I indulged in their bodies for hours, and got a 5 min of standard foreplay in return. Ive helped men explore their interest in strap on and anal play, and got nothing in return. My pleasure was received by doing things I wanted to, even if it wasnt directly pleasurable for me. Pleasuring… Read More "Finding Sexual Supremacy Through Celibacy"
Random Number Generator
So what if I was to write some blogs while I was on cam and it is super slow. hmmm. Lets try a random number generator 102 – Dave Babeshadow 220 – Liverpool Threesome I guess I’ll start with the threesome. I am not 100% sure where the night started. I was back in England for a final trip before going back to Australia for a couple of years. I think i;d been out with my gay friend in my home town. I might have even been out with my stepsister. Either way, I ended up at a Holiday Inn with 2 dudes from Liverpool. I was excited to start writing this one but now I cant remeber anythung that happened. Just that we were on the bed next to the bathroom and a threesome was had. I dunno if I DPed them. At the……. Read More "Random Number Generator"
I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together. I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have. Read More "I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”"
…told you about my list.
I have written about my list before, but here we are again. I remember sitting in class, age 15, with my girlfriends and we were trying to figure out how many people we had kissed. This was before I started going out, before I started partying. But not before I lost my virginity. In order to remember all the people I had kissed, I started a list. I don’t have my original list to hand, so I don’t know what number I was at when I started, but pretty soon after I started the list, I started going out. And the numbers grew exponentially. I got really into kissing as many boys as I could in a night. 10 was normal. One night I remember only kissing three boys and I was heartbroken. Age 16 I thought I had peaked. That one night with only 3 boys made me panic my glory days were over, I wouldn’t be able to kiss 10 in a night ever again, I was too old, past it. Alas it was not to be. I had barely even started. I dunno why I always wanted to kiss as many people as possible. But I did. I would just walk up to people and snog them. No chat, no knowing who they were or if they were single. Just walk up and kiss. One time I walked up to a group of boys, closed my eyes, span in a circle with my finger pointing in front of me and whichever I ended up pointing to was the lucky winner….who got a snog! After I started adding sex into these nights out, I would get very annoyed if a boy kissed me and then couldn’t hook up with me. We were all very young and often didnt… Read More "…told you about my list."
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing. i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another. so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too. was able to finish tidying and get ready for work Read More "Bad Day"
…had to guess who 242 was.
Right. I am using a random number generator to pick numbers off my list to get me writing some of these up. As of today I am at 398. I have written about 60 of them. So that leaves around 338 to go! Plenty of writing to be done then! So first number drawn is 242 : D 21st Bday Trip Its a good start that I dont remeber the first one I have to do. I have tried to do some digging, looking at pictures from that day and seeing who else I fucked around that time. 2 days later I had another 21st Bday Trip. I am not entirely sure, they might have been from the same group, or it was just a coincidence. It was in a town where lots of groups of lads would come for vacations, so there were always lots of boys on trips! It was also peak footy trip season, where all the local AFL and NFL teams come to party for the end of season. Sometimes the town would be full of them, all the hostels and hotels. It was a dream time with many more stories to write, I remember the name of the 242 and I know there were a few boys around that time I felt very fondly towards! Not for more than the night. But still, i have good memories of memories of them! At the time I was working in the strip club in town and would work Thursday night, to get them all on their first night in town, make some fall in love with a stripper, find some cute ones and tell them I’d be free the next night. Then I would have Friday night to go out and party and find any of the… Read More "…had to guess who 242 was."
…picked a dud.
It picked 1. But that is a massive story that I’m not ready to share yet. It involves a trip to America, shitty “friends”, a wild party, a hospital stay, the front pages on all the national newpapers in the UK and some in the US as well as features on the 6 O’clock news, school suspensions, nervous breakdowns, teachers quitting and a family fleeing the US for ten years. No big deal…No wonder I have a wild sex life that I dont mind sharing! Read More "…picked a dud."
…fucked a fan
The number generator today picked 224. And that means I also have to talk about 223….cause it was a threesome. I dont know how we started hanging out, but we were at the big backpackers club/hostel in town, and I was sat on a pool table with both of them. Making out with both of them, one at a time. People were certainly interested as we weren’t hiding anything. One was the standard hot aussie, nice body, just hot. The other was a bit more alternative, 224, with dark hair and tattoos. I dont think at that point I had anything to hide from anyone. There wasnt someone I was trying to see or convince I was better behaved than I am. So I didnt care that people were watching me with both of them. We went back to theirs at some point. Not sure if it was a hotel or apartment as half the hotels in aus are mini apartments. But we were on the sofa and somehow they saw my booty shorts I had on under my dress. Now I remember why I had them on. It had been one of those nights where I just wanted to dance. And it was a Sunday, so anything goes. I was frequently getting in dance circles in this club and there was a dude there who was an amazing dancer and we would get lowww for Kanyes Mercy. Like, full splits humping the floor low. So I had popped on my MyFreeCams booty shorts under my dress to preserve some modesty. When 224 saw them, presumably when we were getting naked and messing around in the living room, he pointed them out and said he used to watch MyFreeCams. I told him I had been on there for a few… Read More "…fucked a fan"
…I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it
i guess i know if it was good sex, when i wake up horny and masturbate without porn to the memory of the sex. this isnt something that happens often. any of it. the sex good enough or the masturbating to a memory. that is how today started. after previously deciding i was done with using people solely for sex and wanted to spend time with people in their territory, doing activities, valuing them as a human, swearing off “hangout” dates and looking for hot men for sex on dating apps, I endered the horny phase of my monthly cycle and threw all my new resolve out the window. I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it, even if its just once more to convince me not to again. I cant be bothered to write about how i found the one i did and the ups and downs in between. but safe to say it was as annoying, time consuming, overwhelming, underwhelming and frustrating as always. Im skipping to the starting a conversation with him part. Cause I think we only started talking like a hour before he came over. I had actually messaged him first. Days later he replied. We started messaging back instantly. But it was already 9:30 and he actually wasnt someone I had been planning on using for sex. he was my age and kinda interesting. So i didnt think the coversation was going to lead to meeting up. By 10 we had decided he was coming over. By 10:20 he was here. I had said I was going to bed a midnight so there was only time for a quick chat really. But he was hot. And it was exciting. And I knew pretty quickly that no sex was no longer… Read More "…I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it"
…Said No To Sex
Saying no to sex doesnt seem like a radical concept. But to me it is. Men will, pretty much, fuck anything. I, intentionally, am very particular with who I meet up with off dating apps and who I even spend too much time talking to in public because I know, ultimately, or even initially, that those men will want to fuck me. Being an attractive, white, middle class, intelligent, sexual woman will do for all but the most picky of penises. It is not my ego saying this. It is the understanding of my physical privelidged, place in the world and how men react to it. Im not saying they all wanna fuck me and not other women. They just want a vagina. And mine is good enough for pretty much anyone who wants a fuck. I, however, am not like that. Yes I like as much dick and boys as I can get. But my standards stop me being ok with just fucking anyone. Ive had more than enough sex for the sake of sex. Im not that desperate. I dont like my orgasms tinged with the regret of knowing Im batting below my average. I have higher standards for the men I sleep with. So, I make sure I only meet up with men who I have already decided I want to fuck. They have to look they way I want them to, and we have to interact in a way I like, then we also have to be on the same page sexually, before I consider meeting them. That way I dont have to reject them at some point. I dont have to worry about figuring out if I am going to want to sleep with them. I dont have to worry about how the nights gonna… Read More "…Said No To Sex"
Connecting
I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome, so I took this as a warm up. I had lots of orgasms, i think. I dont really remeber as we got wild high. But I get orgasms, so i assume i had lots. In the morning before he went to work I got him to give me a proper dicking, so that was a nice few minutes before he rushed off to work. I knew the threesome thing wasnt 100% even though we had extended the hotel another night for them, as, well, people are people. Ideas are great till it comes time to do it. So I thought it was worth getting some back up dick in that day, while I had the hotel to myself, to make sure I got the dicking I wanted to in that hotel, after looking forward to it for the last sex starved month. I found a boy on tinder who I… Read More "Connecting"
Today is my 20 year sex anniversary…Loosing My Virginity.
To Me: Today is my 20 year sex anniversary. And I dont want to do anyone about it. I am 18 people away from a total of 400. I had kind of hoped I could co inside my 400 with my 20 year but the circumstances have not arisen so I will not force a number correlation. I am working on the bus at the moment. It is driving me mad. Its taking forever. but it is pretty fucking awesome. im scared to be excited about it incase it isnt gonna be as good as i think it is!!!! She is taking up most of my brain at the moment. So i guess so it shall be that my 20 year sexiversaty is spent introspectively and self indulgently. It feels right. like a lot changed at that moment and now is a time to reclaim some of that space for myself. Honor my journey. Not needing to share it with anyone else, physically. It is of more benefit to me mentally and physically to honor my own body rather than needing anyone else to honor it, as my celebration of my sexuality and sexual journey. i know now that no one can know and honor my sexuality enough right now to be worthy of spending time with my body on such a momentous occasion.. I find some of my musings exceptionally obnoxious, when reading them back, almost immediately. But it is only obnoxious if its shared. if not shared, it is just my thoughts. and we can think whatever we like. My brain got foggier and foggier as the day went on today. I am exhausted. The bus is progressing slowly right now and my attempt to mulit task left me completely cotton wool brained. I was ready to go… Read More "Today is my 20 year sex anniversary…Loosing My Virginity."
…thought sex might not matter as much any more.
I have been out of the bus for just over 2 weeks now while I renovate it and I can safely say it is affecting who i am as a person. I had some of the “best” sex ive had in a while/forever last week and I dont care. I think its cause i dont fancy him. Read More "…thought sex might not matter as much any more."
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir. I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done. Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always had sex amnesia. I forget what happened after its finished. And then i forget what their penises were like. On cam i forget what show we did. They all just blur into one. I wonder if i should write about how i find the sex i do. How im the hunter.how i choose. The high failure rate. Potential bio to fix it. Ultimately a new kind of dating app to be made. I have been using dating apps and websites to find sex for about 12 years now. I never really used them for dates. Sometimes id go through phases thinking i wanted dates, but really i just wanted a certain level of respect to be gained/felt or earnt from my future partner before we had sex. Now i can comand that just with the sex act alone and never need the pretence of a date. I have also never… Read More "Stream Of Consciousness"
…first has sex in the Bus.
Bus gets a capital B because she is my best friend. She is getting her drive shaft fixed right now and I’m in the office of the mechanics, reading and writing erotic stories. So I have a lot of time to kill as I think we are gonna be here another night or 5, I might as well write about my first sex in the bus! When I first got the Bus I was going through a bit of no sex phase. The previous few years had been really hard and I was still going through phases of recovery and growth. I had been intentionally celibate on and off. But eventually I started tentatively swiping on Bumble again. I found a guy who said he wanted to practice massage for his certification exam in a few days, and was willing to give a free massage. I was a little wary, but it seemed nice and innocent enough, even though we had matched based off looks! I definitely harbor some massage fantasies, where the masseuses slowly and tentatively starts crossing that professional line, but as I was off sex at the time, I wasn’t really hoping it would go anywhere. When he told me it would be happening at the massage place he was training at I was happy it would just be what he said, him practicing his massage skills. We met outside the shop and I was pretty nervous. He was cute with big eyes and curly hair. I didn’t know if this was meant to be a date vibe or professional or what was going on with the attraction. But he explained the set up in the shop and how he had been training while he lead me into the room. He left me to get undressed and… Read More "…first has sex in the Bus."
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