Saying no to sex doesnt seem like a radical concept. But to me it is.
Men will, pretty much, fuck anything. I, intentionally, am very particular with who I meet up with off dating apps and who I even spend too much time talking to in public because I know, ultimately, or even initially, that those men will want to fuck me. Being an attractive, white, middle class, intelligent, sexual woman will do for all but the most picky of penises. It is not my ego saying this. It is the understanding of my physical privelidged, place in the world and how men react to it. Im not saying they all wanna fuck me and not other women. They just want a vagina. And mine is good enough for pretty much anyone who wants a fuck.
I, however, am not like that. Yes I like as much dick and boys as I can get. But my standards stop me being ok with just fucking anyone. Ive had more than enough sex for the sake of sex. Im not that desperate. I dont like my orgasms tinged with the regret of knowing Im batting below my average. I have higher standards for the men I sleep with.
So, I make sure I only meet up with men who I have already decided I want to fuck. They have to look they way I want them to, and we have to interact in a way I like, then we also have to be on the same page sexually, before I consider meeting them. That way I dont have to reject them at some point. I dont have to worry about figuring out if I am going to want to sleep with them. I dont have to worry about how the nights gonna go, cause its gonna be sex.
Another reason I have to be sure I want to be having sex with these boys before we meet, is cause meeting someone seems to have been reduced to pretty much always sitting in the bus, or occasionally thier house, smoking weed and explaining my life and purpose to them for hours and hours, into the early morning, before we tiredly finally start making out and have some boringly normal sex, even if its good, its never anything more than exciting first time sex. I dont choose to talk about my life for hours, but 99 times out of 100, i have lived a richer and more varied life than anyone Im talking to, so they can’t help but keep asking questions, and I, and the weed, cant help but reply and go deeper and keep talking. Pretty much every experience I have is the same with all men. Because it becomes about me so quickly. I start with the intention of listening and learning, but it never ends up that way. Its just another person to bounce myself off of and see myself reflected in.
Same goes for the actual sex I have. Its all the same. Cause I control the room. I give myself good sex with whoever happens to be providing the penis, cause I know how to have good sex. They are a canvas for me to have sex on. They arent bringing me anything new or different, except a different technique to the standard routine they know to act out. Cause most people only can comprehend, what to me, is the standard routine. So its up to me to break that enough for me to get sexual pleasure from the sex rather than just submit to letting each new and lesser experienced men show me how their limited and repressed sexuality manifests iteself on my body. They are there to mirror my sex back to me.
And this isnt satisfying me any more. Any of it. The same conversations with a different face and slightly different personal take on life and their experiences and reactions to my concepts accompanied with average vanilla sex, that is basically me using them to wank with. I have become the problematic man who uses women for their bodies, and doesn’t value the individual. And as some of those men do, I have come to the realization I need to stop using people and interacting with people solely for sex.
Cause my standards are high, I spend a lot of time and energy looking for dick just to satisfy my bodies needs. I do notice a change in my mental and physical health if I go too long without physical touch, intimacy, and sex. So I am aware I have a real need to still have sex someway, some how. By the time I find someone to satisfy that sexual need, that lives up to my standards, whilst constantly travelling and moving to new places, I am desperate for sex. It is all I want from that interaction. Ive waited so long to find it, they better be up for a good 24 – 72 hours of being locked in a room with me to get all my sexual, intimacy and connection needs fulfilled by them. And that normally works. It satisfies me. It gives me life. It makes me glow.
That didnt happen after the last sex fest I had tho. The opposite was true. Which has lead me to muse on and try and grow from the experience and come to the conclusion I am ready to move past these interactions. I need something different for it to work for me. In the rest of my life I am making a huge effort to not waste time and make my life as good as I want it. So I have to extend the courtesy to my sex life and how I interact with other humans. I dont want to have to sit and re hash my life for hours while I sit at home talking to a stranger I wont see again. I dont value those conversations. I dont value that time. I hate seeing my energy drained by lesser entities sucking the life from me as entertainment. I dont let men pay to have deep conversations with me online. So why let someone take my time up with it for free? I want to use the time with other humans in a way that works for me.
Until this point it felt like sex and connection was a nice way to spend my time. But even now saying that, I am aware I have felt this before. And not just once. So this isnt the first time Ive stopped valuing these one dimensional interactions. But I think its the first time I have felt like other people can enhance my life and I can enjoy other people, in a different way. I live full time travelling the country, mostly in areas packed with similar people doing all kinds of amazing activities. I only hike. But I’m desperate to do other activities. And I’m desperate to spend time with someone who is the expert in the dynamic. In a sexual/date/meet up scenario, I am the expert, the teacher, the one controlling the room, impressing someone. I want to spend time with people doing the things they are the expert at, are passionate about or want someone else to do an activity with. I want to try out climbing, riding a dirt or mountain bike, off roading, ski-ing, snowboarding, kayaking, paddle boarding, jet ski-ing. Anything. All of it. I am surrounded by experts in outdoor activities. Impress me with your abilities. Show me how good you are at the thing you love. Dont just sit in a room and talk to me about my journey. Take me outside and show me why you are alive. Lets LIVE. Let me interact with humans without me being the one giving someone else a special, unique, new, exciting, good, experience. Let me be the one to take something from an interaction for a change. Fill me up with your competency and experience rather than draining me of all of mine.
Unless you are doing something, nothing is real. Sitting in a room and talking isnt really a reality. Nothing is happening. You arent doing anything. Its all just concepts and words. Its such a waste of time. I’m done with talking. Let DO something. Male, female, gender non defined. Lets stop talking about experiencing life and do it together.
I know there is a large percentage of the population who would think meeting someone and doing something with them is dating 101. People who expect that. People who get taken out and impressed, bought dinner, gone hiking, spent time and money together, and expect to not even have to worry about ending the “date” with sex. Cause that just isnt what they do, or what they consider shouldn’t be done, or even happens, in general. But Ive never been one of those people. Like I said at the start, I know men want to fuck, so I have always been ready for them wanting sex immediately and provided it. Not all men expect that. But I expect it to be like that. I don’t like arbitrary games. I think women “holding out” out of a need to feel valued by a certain amount of time passing before sex, is gross. Non sex interactions, to me, seemed like a waste of time from getting to the point of why we are meeting anyway.
For the longest time, what really does it for me in men, is really really hot men! 10s. Great faces, perfect ripped bodies, big dick, good style. A few people have won me over with personality so they look like 10s to me, but the rest of the men I sleep with are just sub par conquests, 8s, which isnt bad, but also doesnt give me the satisfaction sexually or mentally I need to make vanilla sex worth it and exciting. I now understand how rare it is for me to find a man attractive enough for me to be satisfied with just vanilla sex. Which means I can stop looking for attractive men to have vanilla sex with. Its a bad investment of time and energy. I want to spend time with people to have a good time doing an activity while I get to know who they are, see them being a human, exist together in reality, which may or may not end up with sexual activity based on how we interact doing things and not just sitting and talking. They don’t have to be 10s. I dont have to want to fuck them before I even meet them. They just need to be interesting and adventurous for day time activities. Any sexual chemistry would be a bonus, not expected.
Sexually, I am going to have to focus any energy I want to spend on looking for sex, looking for the kind of sex I actually want to have. Experimental, kinky, very non vanilla, with people who are experienced to some level at such play. I dont need boys who want to try stuff. I dont need to be the teacher or convince vanilla boys to do things for the first time. I want someone who has a rich sexuality to engage with in a adventurous way where we both explore our sexual interests and dont waste time talking about life, death and the universe as some kind of faux way to feel like you respect each other enough to boringly bone. I dont want a dick pumping at my vagina. I want to explore my Domme abilities and play with kinks that arent about the pussy or cock. I want to keep fulfilling my fantasies rather than rehashing the limited sexual box most people live in. I have so much more sexual experiences to do and try that would be a much better use of my time, abilities, experience and body. I deserve that.
I am continually growing, evolving and learning what is right for me and how that changes. As I honor and love myself more deeply and respect the goddess I am, I realize I can keep raising my standards and expectations around the sex I have and the people I interact with.
Which takes me to last night. Where I met up with a guy off Bumble. In my new mindset, I decided to look for men around my age, as they are likely more experienced, accomplished and should be pretty good at the activities they like by now. And what ends up happening….I spend the night sitting in my bus smoking weed, talking about my life and the universe until past midnight, where he makes a move he’s clearly been desperate to make the whole time he was here. The kissing was bad. Like bad bad. I didnt want to be kissed. I had been accepting his lighter moves like touching me. But I had not met him for sex. I had no intention of having sex. I had no intention of letting this night unfold like every one before. So after a short amount of kissing which felt like wayyyy too long with his cold, open mouth on mine, in such a awkward, uncomfortable union, I pulled away and said, “I need to let you know I dont plan of having sex tonight.”
I could go on to unpack how fucked it is that kissing a woman basically means sex is going to happen and you can’t enjoy goingly slowly and revel in the moment and feel comfortable knowing the man isnt going to move to the next “base” without talking or consent. But, ugh, I just cant be bothered.
So, after I made that statement, I kept on talking about how and why I wasnt able to have sex with him. Which he pretended to be totally fine with. Obviously he wanted sex. But he was ok with respecting my wishes. To the point where he said I dont even need to explain anything, a no would be fine. However, this was a new experience for me, saying no, and I wanted to move through it conciously. I wanted to talk to him about it. Wanted to share the reason for my anxiety behind saying no and expectation I aways feel to have sex. To muse on how I’m trying to move past me being the one using people for sex.
A lot of people are of the mindset that you dont say certain things, or you dont need to explain yourself or whatever. But I believe the only way to grow and be a better version of yourself is to be concious and aware and open and share. You DO need to talk about problematic things for you and other people. You do need a meta awareness of and interaction with, any situation or relationship you are in. You do need to be able to talk and think about the thing, be it a personality, a interaction, a event, a relationship, a conversation, etc, from the outside, an observer of the thing, ego free, working towards making your reality better. Ignorance isnt bliss. Awareness is.
The conversation with him, about my choice not to have sex, was helpful, if a little difficult. But we managed to hang out another 15 or so minutes before he excused himself for the night and went to bed. It was kind of a mutual decision about how late it had gotten, cause for me, it had already gone on two hours too long and I was late for bed. I had previously decided I wasnt going to let this happen, as the late nights and schedule disruption are another way my interactions with men are disrespecting my time and energy, and another example of how I let the situation wash over me in the moment and dont stick to my behaviors I am learning I need, to honor myself. And yet, here I was, 1am, still awake, high as fuck, needing a late night snack to cope with the stress, because of someone else. I didn’t honor myself. I didnt say I needed to go to bed at 11pm. That it was important to me. Cause we are taught to, and to value, especially women, putting others first, going out your way for someone, putting your needs on the back burner cause doing you is selfish. So now today, my energy is slightly drained from him verbally sucking my life out of me, and keeping me up later than I intended. But, I didnt end having sex I didnt want to have to the list of ways I didnt honor myself. And that is the biggest step of all. The other bits are the dressing. Things I can work on. Holding strong to being myself, and my routine, while finding ways to spend time with other people.
This is another reason I want to meet people to do activities. I want to get up at 6am and go to bed at 10pm. I dont want to sit up late at night talking. I want to use the day, not waste the next day by wasting my time doing something the night before I dont want to do. And I shouldnt have to do something I dont want to and doesnt fit with my schedule, just to spend time with a stranger.
I rushed into meeting this man, without my energy being fully restored from the last sex drain, on the week before my period where I suffer from PMDD, as I wanted to test myself. See if I could stay strong in meeting someone without the intention of having sex and respecting my sexual, social and schedule boundaries. Despite it not all going to plan and feeling more drained today, physically and mentally, I feel it definitely helped me grow and guide me from the path I’ve been on and strengthen my resolve to find a new way for me to interact with humans and sex. So next time someone suggests we “hangout”, my new answer will be No!