I take in so much information through my senses. I am currently wearing my headphones on full blast and it is like a soothing massage of the brain. Helping me focus. Reducing my hypervigilance. Lifting my mood. Keeping me moving. Keeiping ideas flowing. Keeping me level, light. I haven’t really done this before!!!! I use headphones out the house. I used to resent having to wear headphones in the house to drown out my neighbours. So havent had this enlightening experience will all encompasing sound in the house. Its joy. It will solve a lot of issues that still can stagnate. Energies that get stuck. Also just had a good body adjustment. Moving my left hip in and my torso over the hip. And feel more at ease. feel like I can actually relax my upper body and it be in the right posture, not collapsing. Read More ""
Aspie Cam Girl Problems
Im not in the right mood for cam today. I am way too real me who wants to act like the grown, intelligent, aspie woman I am. Apparently if you are like that you cant also be sexual and horny. I cant be this real me as they just dont understand it. Which makes me dig in more. Why should I have to lower myself to their level….cause money bitch thats why!!! Read More "Aspie Cam Girl Problems"
3/18/22
I have had a life of amazing things cause I collect times Ive been fully in the moment. If Im searching for something, somewhere, someone, outside myself, or get lost in my head, then I wont be collecting new amazing experiences. What make an amazing experience for me is when Im fully immersed in what Im doing. Not thinking outside of the moment, not analysing how I feel, being fully present. I can do that for everything. I dont have to wait for something big enough to demand my full attention. It is the attention to bring to everything I do so that even the smallest activity is an event. I won’t collect new experiences by thinking about what to do. I will collect new experiences by being present in what I am doing. Read More "3/18/22"
Trying Again To Say Something To My Best Friend & Failing
ive felt that our directions of growth were diverging and could be clashing. So I thought it best to withdraw and didnt have the words Read More "Trying Again To Say Something To My Best Friend & Failing"
Weed Women Breakdown Beginings
sorry but saying this to a 36 year old autistic woman whos social skills are so bad that ive been alone most of my life is pretttttyyyy ableist. I am very aware of all the different personalities and how I dont ever fit in and get pushed out my NT people. Like happened here and why I brought it up. I am a mod cause I thought Id found a space where I could be me and not have to make space for all the different NT personalities that normally take over everywhere. Read More "Weed Women Breakdown Beginings"
Autism Experiences
It’s cool to have been bullied and abused for being myself all my life instead of anyone caring enough to realize I have a debilitating mental illness. Read More "Autism Experiences"
Wished I Could Ask People This.
do any of you get debilitated by the reality of how awful humans are and how fucked the world is? on a existential, grand, fundamental reality scale, not like, “lots of people have been mean to me and they suck”. But as in the trajectory of humanity is totally fucked and has been for tens of thousands of years and no one is looking to or willing to do anything about it? or even admit its all fucked up and wrong. and its getting exponentially worse. Read More "Wished I Could Ask People This."
BPD and Relating
This morning I didnt smoke. I was having a good morning. until thinking about seeing ryan and how its like saturday and he hasnt seen me since tuesday or said anything about seeing me the last few days. i immediately went into a intense bpd reaction. when i have those thoughts i belive them. i believe i am seeing facts. that this is the wise thought, reaction and feeling to the situation.i sent angry texts. i wanted to cry. i was overcome with negative emotion and feeling. i felt sick. emotionally exhausted. i couldnt fight it. But i was aware that i was not high and that I was having a bpd reaction. so i got high and ive felt my mind change from being angry and in pain, to feeling almost fine and not caring. i still have residuals of those earlier feelings. and dont want to/havent relaxed into my high brain. the high version of me doesnt see all the evil things and interpretations of someones actions. high me doesnt instantly think someone is lying or tricking me or manipulating me. i take peiple for their word. i trust. i believe they think well of me and like me. im comfortable and happy. but what is the right way to be. which one is right? which one is real? which should i trust?which one should i act upon? now im high i can see how darkly i view other people and their intentions. i immediately go to them bieng up to something that will harm me. my lonliness really peaked too when the BPD got triggered. felt desperate. on the verge of tears. needing someone else. high i am comfortble in me on my own. i was feeling fine with not seeing ryan much recently. until i was… Read More "BPD and Relating"
Different Brains
i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to be detatched. and flat. its kind of a calm.blank. not impressed. not wanting to make effort. not wanting to be nice to anyone. not wanting to “lighten up” is this the start of the darkness. is this how it starts. cause it feels strong and positive that i can get shit done and be level and calm but it makes me distant and detatched and i get strickter and less light until i dont want to be light. as i feel like this it makes me want to keep myself to myself more. as its kind of hard to relax and be light with people. but then i think the isolation again gets to me and makes me want to isolae even more. or is the stricktness, inability to emote etc cause of isolation. i kind of have period pains right now i wander if that is cause ive been… Read More "Different Brains"
Fuck SnapChat
They deleted my account. For a non rule violation. So now I’m sharing my life in much greater real time detail on OnlyFans. OnlyFans.com/SkySmith Read More "Fuck SnapChat"
I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together. I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have. Read More "I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”"
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing. i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another. so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too. was able to finish tidying and get ready for work Read More "Bad Day"
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