I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want… Read More "I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”"
Yo. All Men. Its Fucking OVER!
I am DONE with men. All men. It is time, after 30 years of putting them first and getting zero in return, to cut the fuckers out my life. I have spent the last few years being incredibly protective and defensive of myself after years of abuse and harassment from men. Men in the street, at bars and clubs, on dating apps, in relationships, after one night stands. Over and over. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave my house without at least 5 men sexually approaching me EVERY DAY. The first year in the bus I didn’t wear shorts once. I wore hats, large clothes, baggy hoodies, to hide my femininity, so men wouldn’t see an attractive woman alone in a bus. I have spent the last 5 years avoiding all social situations where I have to interact with men where I don’t know their intentions. I… Read More "Yo. All Men. Its Fucking OVER!"
i cant take it any more
I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more. I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its “real work”, not cause i want a job, not cause I’m forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time… Read More "i cant take it any more"
What is This Sexuality….Female Dominance not FemDomme
I have been trying to define my current sexuality for some time now and the best I can come up with is that I have the sexuality of a man. I am striving for that big dick energy of a 40 something rich fat man, laying back, smoking a cigar, making young pretty things do what he wishes, twirl around on his dick and try their hardest to impress him and keep him happy…Dan Bilzarian…even though he isnt fat. I have been struggling for quite some time with the concept of Female Domination, being a Domme, a Dominatrix, and FemDom. Im not sure when it happened, probably came from repeated interactions online at work, where I realised that the majority of men who want to be dominated, want the role of a dominatrix played out on them. The vast majority of FemDom porn and performers stick to the script. Dress… Read More "What is This Sexuality….Female Dominance not FemDomme"
…told you about my list.
I have written about my list before, but here we are again. I remember sitting in class, age 15, with my girlfriends and we were trying to figure out how many people we had kissed. This was before I started going out, before I started partying. But not before I lost my virginity. In order to remember all the people I had kissed, I started a list. I don’t have my original list to hand, so I don’t know what number I was at when I started, but pretty soon after I started the list, I started going out. And the numbers grew exponentially. I got really into kissing as many boys as I could in a night. 10 was normal. One night I remember only kissing three boys and I was heartbroken. Age 16 I thought I had peaked. That one night with only 3 boys made me panic… Read More "…told you about my list."
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone.… Read More "Bad Day"
why there is so much pain.
why there is so much pain. I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for… Read More "why there is so much pain."
This Is Americaaaaa
I wanted to write about lonliness but i just got so angry and hate every one that i dont think I can. I am at walmart for the night and this fucking cunt just parked next to me in this junk old rig and left their noisy ass engine running which then reminded me that the same junk ass looking rv woke me up at 5 o fucking clock the other day by having the same earth shaking, piece of shit engine running for half an hour. at 5 o fucking clock. how are people so fucking inconsiderate and ignorant.This whole country is just inconsideration and ignorance. I dont think i can stand it much longer. the people are so fucking awful it has ruined my whole life. its fucked up my mental health. i got abused. mulitple times. friendship over here is a joke. money goes out faster than… Read More "This Is Americaaaaa"
24th August 2019
its interesting that….i forgot. oh yeah. until i went to australia, i wasnt in to tanning or hanging out outside much, or the summer in general, but as soon as i got australia and wore the clothes and did it all i loved it and have chased the sun since cam is pretty quiet. lots of site problems apparently. and end of pay period. i need a new microphone. i might take back the webcam i have and try another one. it could be that. the old one wasnt like that. ill just get the better one. Read More "24th August 2019"
Working feeling myself!
#buslife #vanlife #skoolie #shortbus #lifeontheroad #solofemale #solofemaletraveller #fulltimer #simplelife #homeiswhereyouparkit #getoutdoors #lifeisanadventure #freedom #webcam #livestreaming #porn #pornographer Read More "Working feeling myself!"
…had to guess who 242 was.
Right. I am using a random number generator to pick numbers off my list to get me writing some of these up. As of today I am at 398. I have written about 60 of them. So that leaves around 338 to go! Plenty of writing to be done then! So first number drawn is 242 : D 21st Bday Trip Its a good start that I dont remeber the first one I have to do. I have tried to do some digging, looking at pictures from that day and seeing who else I fucked around that time. 2 days later I had another 21st Bday Trip. I am not entirely sure, they might have been from the same group, or it was just a coincidence. It was in a town where lots of groups of lads would come for vacations, so there were always lots of boys on trips!… Read More "…had to guess who 242 was."
…picked a dud.
It picked 1. But that is a massive story that I’m not ready to share yet. It involves a trip to America, shitty “friends”, a wild party, a hospital stay, the front pages on all the national newpapers in the UK and some in the US as well as features on the 6 O’clock news, school suspensions, nervous breakdowns, teachers quitting and a family fleeing the US for ten years. No big deal…No wonder I have a wild sex life that I dont mind sharing! Read More "…picked a dud."
…fucked a fan
The number generator today picked 224. And that means I also have to talk about 223….cause it was a threesome. I dont know how we started hanging out, but we were at the big backpackers club/hostel in town, and I was sat on a pool table with both of them. Making out with both of them, one at a time. People were certainly interested as we weren’t hiding anything. One was the standard hot aussie, nice body, just hot. The other was a bit more alternative, 224, with dark hair and tattoos. I dont think at that point I had anything to hide from anyone. There wasnt someone I was trying to see or convince I was better behaved than I am. So I didnt care that people were watching me with both of them. We went back to theirs at some point. Not sure if it was a hotel… Read More "…fucked a fan"
Women Know Nothing Of The Possibilities Of
For some time I have wanted to write a follow up to the original piece “We Know Nothing of the Possibilies of Sex” that reconstructs the narrative of sex that I had deconstructed. Something that has come up that I wanted to address was womens complicity in the patriacal suppression of our sexuality. I have shared my first piece with a friend who has shared it with other women and men and bblah blah blah I knew I neeeded to clarify things when my best friend, an enlightened, spiritual woman, told me she had yet another dissapointing sexual interaction where she couldnt get the man to make love to her in the way we have conceptualised, he still just fucked her, despite her explaining it all to him. He didnt spend time on her pleasure like she now feels entitled to, as should all women. He didnt even “pretend to… Read More "Women Know Nothing Of The Possibilities Of"
without sex i am nothing.
without sex i am nothing. i am sat in the library crying cause my body is aching to be touched so badly. Its all ive wanted for the longest time now, like a month. is to just spend time in bed with someone. to feel my skin on someone. to have sex over and over. to be held. and touched. to kiss someone. to have someone touch me like they love my body and what it can do. i feel sick right now.. its so painful i want to vomit. its entirely all consuming. a few hours, a day, a night, isnt enough. i need days to open up and relax and unwind and connect. laying down with someone i like is when i am happy. peacful, content. no mind. doing what i am supposed to be doing. it is my purpose. and without it i have nothing i like… Read More "without sex i am nothing."
“Screw Calves and Pecs—I’m a Dick Woman”
Who says there’s no female equivalent of being a butt man, a boob man or a leg man? …It’s not because I’m not shallow. I’m as shallow as any ass, tit or leg man out there. But I haven’t had my sexual preferences catered to in such a cartoonish, excessive way throughout my life—and so, like a lot of women, I don’t really feel comfortable going around talking about it. What does that look like, to have your preferences catered to? Think about the first time you opened a Playboy as a kid. You, men, have been fed hundreds of thousands of images of women in submissive, deferential poses in ads and art and porn and films your entire lives. There are entire songs written about women’s body parts: “Legs,” “Ass Man,” and “Baby Got Back” to name a few, to say nothing of various and sundry references to “American thighs.” In women’s… Read More "“Screw Calves and Pecs—I’m a Dick Woman”"