Sex Life

I Broke My Celibacy. This Is What I See.

I Broke My Celibacy. This Is What I See.

My body, my skin, reaches out for you, for all of you, for every part of you.
I want to envelop the soft flesh that holds your inner landscape,
the map that is you.
I can feel it through your skin.
I can see everything your body has been.

I want to hold and soothe and see all the pain and trauma, joy and freedom in your sinews. My inner map is open to you.
There is enough space in here for all of you.
Nothing here scares me. Use it as a way into you.
Find where our maps overlap and walk into yours with the curious spirit of fearless adventure I have within me.

I can see the map in you, in every muscle, in your skin, in what is seen as the body containing the soul within. Your body isn’t just a vessel. It has been shaped and holds barely beneath a thin surface your experience of being you. I want to hold you and stroke you and soothe you, you all, till you can let go, till you can feel all the ways you’ve distorted being you, till you dissolve and become reborn as the supple, resilient, real you, under, in, of, the human animal you actually are. Let this embrace be the beginning of your journey to rediscover and embrace your true self, wholly and fearlessly.”

As I touched your skin, the sensation was overwhelming.
The smoothness, your muscles, dissolved me from within.
Existing only to focus on your body. Solely

Breathless in awe and wonder at the perfection
I wonder how an artist could re create this intense reflection.

David. Marble. Softness. Veins. A homage to the human body.
Capturing the obsession with form
That is the deepest most human experience of all.

The Reason Its Yes All Men, To Me.

The reason it is “yes all men” to me is that the numbers I’ve personally experienced don’t match with any other claim. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been sexually harassed (unwanted touching and above), raped or suffered partner abuse, were abused as children, and some or all of the above. Now, I have been raped 5 times. I have been in 1 extremely abusive relationship that broke my entire self for 6 years after, and another that got me addicted to cocaine. I have been inappropriately touched by literally countless men in bars and nightclubs (even though I expect it in that scenario, should I think its normal and ok?). I used to write down the “compliments” men would shout out their car or van windows to me  as I walked to university and wear them with pride, I tried to take ownership of the constant onslaught of unwanted sexual attention. 

At a absolute minimum, I have had 20 men lay hands on my body and alter my brain, without my consent. Of these 20 men, only one would think of himself as someone who has harmed a woman. The first rapist was arrested for statutory rape. The 4 other men who used my body when I was passed out, thought they were just fucking a easy chick they got lucky with. The man who destroyed my sense of self and ability to function, didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. The boy who got me addicted to coke so I would buy it for him while I paid him to work for me and live with me, all while his other woman was in another city, was “just having a good time”. And the faceless hands in the nightclubs were attached to men too drunk to notice or care, following the narrative of how to behave in these spaces. 19 out of 20 of my abusers would not ever think they could be “all men”, they are just regular guys. 

This isn’t taking into consideration the plenty of other abuses of power, position and age that have been used to manipulate me into sex, whether its the 40 year old club bouncer who challenged me to give him a handjob when I was 15, or the other one who let me suck his dick when I was 17, or the bosses/collogues who took advantage of my weak boundaries, the man who flashed me on the school driveway when I was 13, or the bullying I received everyday from the boy who would touch me and kiss me when no one else was around when I was 10.

I am one woman, and I cant even count on my fingers and toes how many man have abused me in one way or another, not just verbally, but all of them physically encroaching on my body. If I include all the men who verbally assaulted me, then we would be in the hundreds, maybe even thousands. And now we have social media to add to the pervasive abuse.

Now if every other woman I know has had at least one, and some up to as many as me maybe, how can it NOT be all men? Are there enough women out there with 0 physical assaults to balance out women like me who have tens to hundreds, depending on the definition. Even if its just the rapes, I have had FIVE.

The math’s don’t add up. It logically HAS to be ALL men.

Only one man in my story thinks he has ever harmed a woman.

All the others think they are ok.

Now obviously I know more men than just ones who have assaulted me, so how can I say its all men? What about my Dad, step bro, uncle, et etc etc?!

Well if MOST of the men who have assaulted me don’t know they have ever done anything wrong, than how do I know that any of the men I know/knew that didn’t harm me, haven’t in fact harmed another woman and don’t even know it or wont acknowledge it/admit it to themselves.

I have no fear over admitting men close to me have this blindness to their impacts on women and their place in the statement “all men”, I see them there too and it backs up my understanding of the numbers.

I don’t blame men though. Nowhere in the statement “all men ” is there any judgement or value placed on men, it is not placing blame, its stating a statistical probability. If the woman is saying “all men” cause she has experienced multiple incidences of sexual assault and all her friends and family have also, then it seems like a lot more men are assaulting than there are women. Do we share abusers? Its not just all men, its some men, many many times as well.

I don’t hate men, I love them. They are vital to my existence. They are my juice. But I do not like the way they are socialized, trained, domesticated and how woman has been shaped around that. Its forcing men into the shape society has made for them that they do not fit into that causes their worst sides to spill out in reaction to be suppressed.

“All men” were raised by women. So there is no way in hell I am blaming men for the fact that they all abuse women. I don’t need to deconstruct the past, and stay angry at men for a reality they didn’t create. I want to move forward to find a reality that is comfortable for all people. 

For me, the solution is to go back to the first principles, what are the fundamental truths and realities of being male and female. From there we see what works, and keep trying different ways without getting stuck on the wrong path for too long. Thought experiments down the path from the first principles until you hit a dead end, then you come back, with all the knowledge and ideas gained from that first path, to start again from first principles in another direction, maybe guided by what you previously learnt, over and over, till the thought experiment cant be broken apart by challenges from as many angles as possible, and it can move from theory to reality.

I have been doing this with sex, the body, the human, the male, the female, the world, society, culture, politics, psychology and sociology for my whole life. And I have some pretty well tested ideas, and have come to some good conclusions to thought experiments which often prove out to be right in the real world. I am a predictor of change. And I sense now is the time, I’ve caught a whiff of something, and I like the direction its going in. If people are starting to apply first principle thinking to social issues and in business’, then its time to share my first principle thinking on sex and the body and what I know.

It took me 21 years and 1000 sexual partners to get to the point where I gave up on men in this reality. I am not a man hating feminazi. I fucking love men, I tried and tried and tried again until I had nothing left of myself. I tried to be the change myself, tried to live what I believed it could be for women. But over and over it was taken advantage of and my sex used against me. It took till 36 to realize I cant keep trying the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So here I am, 2 years celibate, looking to help change the understanding of men and women and the intimate and sexual nature of the human animal, so I can help us all become domesticated in a way that is beneficial to the physical reality of the experiences of both sexes., so I can risk going out in the world again, to eventually find the wild humanimale that will honor me, my body and my reality, without fear of further abuse by what is now “all men”. I want the new man. An embodied, confident, open, soft, strong, fit, fun, intimate, sensual, passionate, well rounded, self aware play pal for women. Cause that is a happy man, and happy men, comfortable with their place, equal to, yet different from women, able to see the value of the reality of women, wouldn’t be able to abuse us.

Finding Sexual Supremacy Through Celibacy

Well it has been a long time since Ive written and a lot has developed for me. I think its worth pointing out that I have spent the last 3 years working with multiple therapist for my mental health and working on fixing postural issues and trauma encoded in my body. During this process I have been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. I relate heavily to the diagnosis of Asperger’s even though we arent supposed to call it that anymore. But it matters to me. Asperger’s is a very certain type of Autism that is mostly associated with men, and male genius, and male behavior that is actually normalized by society, where as a woman with Asperger’s is the opposite of what society says a woman should be. So in terms of people understanding me clearly, I think it important to identify with something that is typically considered male. 

This has also been my journey with sexual devolopment. Taking on the role, attitude, performance or male sexuality in order to highlight how contradictory our male and female sexual narratives are.

Where I was at when I last wrote about this, was a place of burden. I knew sex was wrong. I knew the sex I had been having wasnt what I wanted. I had thought of how it might be different and with this knowledge I tried to have the sex I wanted by doing all the work. I would make them lay back while I indulged in their bodies for hours, and got a 5 min of standard foreplay in return. Ive helped men explore their interest in strap on and anal play, and got nothing in return. My pleasure was received by doing things I wanted to, even if it wasnt directly pleasurable for me. Pleasuring in a way that was heading towards something different in the hopes that they would mirror back to me an exploration and adventure into my body. It never happened. Never once.

The straw that broke the camels back was my last fuck buddy/boyf. I discolsed all my mental and physical needs, and yet within a matter of weeks, sex became a function for him to have an orgasm. A few minutes of pumping in the morning before he went to work. Me waking him up with a prostate massage, and him cumming and leaving. Spending hours giving pleasure, only to be touched with fear, uncertainty and disgust, in return. Fucking his ass, the thing that drew me to him the most, his sexy, sultry moves, sensuality and moans, all dissapeared into the function of him getting his the way he wanted. And after he would cum I would be left again, unattended to. All this made me feel sick to my stomach. His relationship skill was as retarted and selfish as his sexuality. So I cut him out of my life and didnt look back. Luckily it only took a couple of months to get rid of this weight dragging me down.

Since then I have prioritised me. I couldnt improve mentally or physically with toxic men leaching off me. So I made a conscious decision, with the assistance of the pandemic, to remain celebate until all the problems dick has caused me, have been resolved. As a single woman I am the queen of the world, unstoppable force of creativity and adventure. With a man around I am sick, tired, broken, weak, unable to get out of bed and intensely depressed. Welcome to another factor of being a Aspie. This time has lead me to realized how much I thrive and do when Im entirely alone and how bad other people make me feel. Instead of lowering myself to find men I could get a tiny bit of physical connection and reality from by giving everything and getting nothing, I decided to pour all that attention onto myself. Onto me as a sexual woman. Onto me who already gives a large part of myself and sexuality away proffessionally. I found I also do wayyy better on cam when I am single. All that sexaul desire gets funneled into work space where I can truly indulge in a kind of cyber sexual reaality where I get some of my needs met by working. I never found the right kind of men to play with in the real world. But online there are thousands who like the same shit as me. They arent worthy of me in real life, but getting paid to share my sexual reality is also my kink, so I get off.

Anyway. Work had been a reflection of the burden of good sex I was carrying. I was not there to be penetrated or used for a mans pleasure. They are my toys to use as I please. But the longer this went on, the more it felt like the last relationship, where the dynamic moved from my enjoyment to their using me for their pleasure. I was doing a lotttt of work in pegging shows, in shows where I lead. The man, just laying back, being given pleasure by an expert. That didnt feel like I was dominant, or alpha or in control. It felt like the games men play to get women to do things they think they want to but is ultimately for the mans pleasure (see lib feminism “twerking for daddy” isnt liberation, neither is waxing, or makeup or bdsm).

Some time in the last few months, I decided to put my resentment for men down. I consciously chose to rewrite the narrative I had of my relationship with men. I have many different narratives of my life or elements of myself, depending on what angle, mood, day, etc, one looks at me from. i.e. All men have abused me and used me, Im sick of giving anything to them.. What is also true is I fucked every hot dude I wanted, I love collecting sexual experiences and I love dick. A great realization in this process is “I love the male human animal, but I hate how he is domesticated and socialized in every part of this planet.”

I love the physical reality of men.

The physical reality of existence is where I am focused on living. Reality, not opinion, thoughts or feelings. But what is physically present in my presence. How my body feels in that reality. How bodies could interact when all there is is physical reality. If two or more bodies were present in the void, how would they want to interact. No narratives, no history, no baggage, no morals, no norms, no domestication.

This is where my idea for the man laying back while I spend hours exploring him came from. The naive, curious exploration of a new landscape you have no pre existing assumption or expectations of. This would be a beautiful experience if it is mutual. But for me it never has been. Even in the last relationship where my understanding was explained, the conditioning of the male sexual narrative was so strong that it automatically took over. 

With work I have been able to continue along this line of inquiry about what I really want from female led sex. What really is female dominance or sexuality? What do I really want when I let go of all programming and the consideration of male pleasure.

Another useful starting point for me has been the awareness that a man will cum no matter what. Why do we need to do things to the penis that is about speeding up the male orgasm? Anything that speeds up a mans pleasure, reduces a womans. The woman doesnt need to worry about stimulating the male at all. His pleasure is so easily accessed that he need only focus on the woman and not himself. 

Being fully present sexually is to be fully engrossed with what is in front of you. Not to be lost in your own brain. Your pleasure comes from being aware of the present. That includes the external body you are focused on as well as the sensations in your own body…but NOT the thoughts, feelings and opinion of what is happening. No mind. Only body. 

I think my previous writings also came from a time of black and white thinking. When I decided what sex shouldnt be, I limited what sex could be. My own trauma and narratives on men limited me accessing a very important part of me, my hyper sexiality. Sex had become more one dimensional as there was only to be; enlightened, curious, slow sex. But that contradicted one of my fundamental understandings of the nature of female sexuality, our cyclical nature.

As I opened back up to accepting I like the male human animal, I started remembering how much I like 3somes, gangbangs and as much dick as possible. I started being more flexible with wanting a variety of things through my monthly cycle. At work I noticed there were times where it was really easy to be hypersexual, others where I just wanted to be mean, others where I wanted to be soft and sweet, other times I just didnt even feel horny for a week. If I accepted the male human gave me great pleasure in many ways, I would be able to drop into these different phases with enjoyment, as all valid, real parts of me. And parts that arent interchangeable. If a client saw me on a soft open day but came back in the mean phase, I cannot perform the sexuality of different phase. This is the acceptance of sexual reality, I stopeed fighting it. Stopped trying to be one dimensional. Stopped being so protective over my physicality.

From my research and interpretation, I believe the human race is a socio-sexual species. Intimacy was our main form of communication and was the core of our survival. The range of intimacy that would be possible among a group of wild humans would be impossible for most modern humans to imagine. The repertoire of touch and its meanings have been lost. But by indulging inthe cyclical nature of female sexuality there is a chance of reclaiming some.

So let me get specific about what Ive discovered about what my body wants. 

Gangbangs. In my informed opinion, humans are a sperm competiotion speciea and not a species that competes physically for one woman. When a woman is at the height of ovulation one is wildly horny. For me persoanlly its a raging drive for as much cock as possible. It makes me think that is how men must feel all the time. It can be all consuming. The hunt for dick and the desire for many. As a sexually liberated woman, I have allowed myself to get these needs met many times in my life. I hae not denied or pusehd down my sexaul reality. When I wanted lots of cock, I got it. 10 at once is my most. And 12 total that night. And before I went out I said it was going to happen, I needed it. 

This ovulatory desire for multiple dicks makes total sense when you realized we are a sperm competition species, along with the understanding of sexual vocalisation. The woman moans and vocalises to attract more men to the scene. 

As sex would have been used as socialising, most sex/intimacy was out side of the ovulatory period. Men are always horny as womens cycles arent uniform. Men must be ready to group sex whenever a woman is ovulaing. All males in the group need to be ready for each woman. Thus mens more consistent sex drive. It is not cause the male of the species need more sex, it is that they need to be ready for when the women want it their way.

I would imagine womens cycles dont sync up so that all roles get filled in the group. Each part of the female cycle brings different strengths and weaknesses that would help each other and balance out.

Non reproductive sex would have been the relaxed, elongated, curious, lazy exploration of each others bodies. Here, instead of the man laying back while the woman explores, the man would have the same self control and curiosity of the woman. A great example of this play would be sliding a penis against a pussy, teasing with the tip, enjoying the feel of the shaft on the clit, the pressure against different parts. When I have done this while leading, on top, hands free, just enjoying the tease of wiggling on a cock, the man ALWAYS reaches down to “help” me get it inside. ERMMM no. I wasnt trying to get it in. I was enjoying the reality of how that felt. The more I tease the outside like that, the easier I cum. Given men can cum from a few pumps, why not let the woman build herself up in her way using a cock, so when she finally decides she wants it, she really actually does, and orgasm is accesible! 

I cant comprehend how sex it would be for me to be laying back while a man teases me with his cock for MY pleasure. He isnt trying to make his cock feel good. He isnt a weak willed little bitch who has to get it in the hole as soon as possible. And like SO MANY men Ive fucked, doesnt use the excuse “I just couldnt help myself.” I cant imagine being able to trust a man to not penetrate me when he wants. And that fucking turns my stomach. But back to the fantasy of the wild hu-man. A man having self imposed self control is so fucking hot.

I am getting super over chastity and domme stuff cause of this. You shouldnt need a fucking cage not to be a gross perv. You should exercise self control. Learn how to NOT get a boner when youre turned on. Learn how to not want to pump your cock as fast as possible. Learn that cumming isnt the destination. Learn real self control. Women go into sex hoping they might cum. Men go into sex expecting to cum. This needs to change.

One time I went on a date with 45 year old film maker who only drank natural spring water and did reiki and was vegan. At his, he offered me a reiki session. I was clearly going through a hard time and he was intelligent and intuitive. He told me to relax and that he wouldnt stop till I said so. He covered me in blankets so I was warm and comfortable and for three hours he gently touched my body in entirely non sexual ways. That is the only experience Ive had where a man has done what he said and completely listened to me to the point that I could relax in his hands in the moment. I didnt need to be on guard to make sure my boundaries were crossed or my trauma triggered. 

Previous partners would be uncomfortable, disgusted or scared by the changeable nature of my body and triggers.Their inability to change, be flexible and be open to a different experience each time is another reason no one deserves access to my body. If you arent willing to learn my cyclicality, you definately dont get to use my for your one dimensional sexuality. One day I might love having my neck kissed, the next it might send me into a breakdown. That is not something that I need to worry about hurting a mans EGO! My physical reality in the moment changes. If a man was present in the physical reality of the moment, he would be able to read and adapt. But if there is mind present, ego present, than it will cause a reaction in him which increases my trauma. Dont be angry or frustrated that I dont like something today I did yesterday. Be excited it can be different today than yesterday!!!!!

I ran out of energy for the awfulness of my experiences. Ill come back to it in another new piece.

Random Number Generator

So what if I was to write some blogs while I was on cam and it is super slow. hmmm.

Lets try a random number generator

102 – Dave Babeshadow

220 – Liverpool Threesome

I guess I’ll start with the threesome. I am not 100% sure where the night started. I was back in England for a final trip before going back to Australia for a couple of years. I think i;d been out with my gay friend in my home town. I might have even been out with my stepsister. Either way, I ended up at a Holiday Inn with 2 dudes from Liverpool. I was excited to start writing this one but now I cant remeber anythung that happened. Just that we were on the bed next to the bathroom and a threesome was had. I dunno if I DPed them. At the…….

I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”

I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together.  I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have.

…told you about my list.

…told you about my list.

I have written about my list before, but here we are again. I remember sitting in class, age 15, with my girlfriends and we were trying to figure out how many people we had kissed. This was before I started going out, before I started partying. But not before I lost my virginity. In order to remember all the people I had kissed, I started a list. I don’t have my original list to hand, so I don’t know what number I was at when I started, but pretty soon after I started the list, I started going out. And the numbers grew exponentially. I got really into kissing as many boys as I could in a night. 10 was normal. One night I remember only kissing three boys and I was heartbroken. Age 16 I thought I had peaked. That one night with only 3 boys made me panic my glory days were over, I wouldn’t be able to kiss 10 in a night ever again, I was too old, past it. Alas it was not to be. I had barely even started. I dunno why I always wanted to kiss as many people as possible. But I did. I would just walk up to people and snog them. No chat, no knowing who they were or if they were single. Just walk up and kiss. One time I walked up to a group of boys, closed my eyes, span in a circle with my finger pointing in front of me and whichever I ended up pointing to was the lucky winner….who got a snog! After I started adding sex into these nights out, I would get very annoyed if a boy kissed me and then couldn’t hook up with me. We were all very young and often didnt have free houses or anywhere to go. I wasnt on such a mission with the sex from the start as I was with the kissing but by the time I got my first boyfriend at 16 he was number 9. I knew I had already fucked more men than the “average” woman does in a lifetime. And I didnt feel any different. With all the slut shaming that used to go on, and often still does, I expected to feel different for having a growing number of notches on my bedpost…but I didn’t. I was still weird and quirky, kind and loving, I didnt become “dirty” or changed in anyone’s eyes. I was always comfortable with having lots of partners. From that first day recalling my early kissing experiences till today, I have kept a list of sexual partners. As I grew more experienced, and had gotten to nearly 400 people, I stopped recording the kissing and the non penetrative sex…but I think most encounters from then were full sex. A kiss or a BJ in a alley just wasnt enough. If I kiss you I want to fuck you. I think I put my list into electronic format when I was at university when I made charts about my sex life. Now the list is just all the people I have fucked…that didnt pay me. I never included work sex on the list. Just recreational partners. Except the first two who paid me as I wanted to fuck them and just happened to get paid!

There was a time when I thought I had lost the list. Well not lost. An evil ex made me delete it. He made me choose him or the list. The list he was fine with when we first started dating. And the list he obsessed about. He couldnt understand why I wanted to remember them all….erm what? Why wouldnt you want to remember all the people you liked enough to fuck. All the fun situations you got into with those people. The people youve known. The poeple who have been inside you. Just because there has been a lot doesnt mean it isnt special and I dont want to remember it. Maybe some people who sleep with a lot of people regret their decisions and are ashamed. But I have never been. I have good taste, know good people, make good decisions and am very very happy with my collection of beautiful men and cute girls. Obviously not all the experiences were perfect. But they were all my choice. Ive always respected myself enough to sleep with people I am happy and often even proud to have shared some naked time with. But, I still had to delete the list. Even though it wouldnt delete my memory or what I had done. A few months after it was over, on a off chance, I checked my google drive trash….and there was the list. For no explainable reason (he would check all my accounts for shit and delete things off my social media), it was there. i had my list back. The record of my life. I was so happy and felt like i had gotten a part of my life back he stole from me. Since then the list has become even more treasured. I have multiple copies saved and I never ever will spend any time with any man who thinks i need to delete any part of my past.

I am now on number 399. The next one is gonna be 400. I havent had any sex in 7 weeks now and I am in pretty deep need of some physical contact. But as it is such a significant number I want it to be someone special. Finding someone good enough to fuck is getting harder and harder as my sexual and mental standards get higher and the effort required to find it just doesnt seem worth it at the moment. I cant be bothered to end up with anooothhheeerrr boring lay. A basic bitch or someone i need to train. I need someone on my level, a sexual connoisseur…or a celebrity. Ron Jeremy was number 300. A vocalist for a house artist was number 100….200 i forgot it was coming up and was just some dude in Vegas…but I was in Vegas for the Adult Entertainment Expo on a trip from Australia, soo its still a cool story! There is one dude I’ve been speaking to for 4, nearly 5 years now, who is a world champion at a thing. I’d love him to be my 400 but after all this time I dont see it happening in real life ever! I could go to Vegas soon if I wanted to find someone to make it worth it cause right now im in a really small town and everyone knows each other and options are limited. But can I wait a few more weeks?! I think unless a 10 happens to roll on through I might end up having to let this 400 be just a normal experience, then 500 can be the next special one. Its taken me 5 years to get my last 100 though. And the rate I’m going, it could be another 5-10 years. There was a time, with the evil ex (303), where I thought that would be my number for the rest of my life, so at least Ive got the ability to grow my list again. And if i ever end up with someone who might last in my life, hopefully they will be down to grow both our lists together. In a ideal world, with the right guy, the list could grow even faster.

I love my list. Not many people treat sex the way I do. To me its just a normal hobby. Nothing shameful. I like collecting beautiful and interesting people. I like all the wierd and wonderful ways Ive met and interacted with people. I dont just “let” random dudes bend me over and use me. These arent faceless encounters. A one night stand with me usually involves hours or days of sex, talking, bonding, cuddling, eating, sharing. Having sex with someone is like doing a activity, to me its the same as playing some kind of sport together, something to commit time to and practice together. But unlike sport, I am able to share love and intimacy openly and freely. I think being ethically promiscuous gives me deeper connections with most people I sleep with and means I can revel in the juiciness of giving love and relax into the sensations of intimacy. The love I have for my list is just a reflection of the love I have for the sex life I have created for myself. I am proud of what I have achieved and want to joyfully remember it all for the rest of my life…and without that list I wouldnt be able to write most of these stories!

Bad Day

the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing.

i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another.

so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too.

was able to finish tidying and get ready for work

…had to guess who 242 was.

…had to guess who 242 was.

Right. I am using a random number generator to pick numbers off my list to get me writing some of these up. As of today I am at 398. I have written about 60 of them. So that leaves around 338 to go! Plenty of writing to be done then!

So first number drawn is 242 : D 21st Bday Trip

Its a good start that I dont remeber the first one I have to do. I have tried to do some digging, looking at pictures from that day and seeing who else I fucked around that time. 2 days later I had another 21st Bday Trip. I am not entirely sure, they might have been from the same group, or it was just a coincidence. It was in a town where lots of groups of lads would come for vacations, so there were always lots of boys on trips! It was also peak footy trip season, where all the local AFL and NFL teams come to party for the end of season. Sometimes the town would be full of them, all the hostels and hotels. It was a dream time with many more stories to write, I remember the name of the 242 and I know there were a few boys around that time I felt very fondly towards! Not for more than the night. But still, i have good memories of memories of them! At the time I was working in the strip club in town and would work Thursday night, to get them all on their first night in town, make some fall in love with a stripper,  find some cute ones and tell them I’d be free the next night. Then I would have Friday night to go out and party and find any of the boys I wanted to or just peruse the bars and clubs to find some one, or many, for that night. I’d also tell all the boys I spoke to that I worked at the strip club and they should come find me the next night. Then I’d work Saturday for prime time, sometimes I’d see boys from the night before, and it would always be busy. It was a small club with not many girls working so it was a lot of fun. Same thing would happen that night, make a few fall in love with a stripper, plan to meet up with any if they were particularly hot, and let them know I had the next night off. Sometimes I’d go back and party with a group I’d met at the club, for money or for fun. I had gangbangs, topless waitressing, good sex with hotties and nights in hot tubs after work, even thought it was against the rules. It did however, ultimately get me fired. But that is a story for a different number. Anyway, I was out for a good time at that time and totally used my position as a stripper to get me more sex, and my love of men would get me more money! Sunday was always the best night. I loved the Sundays, last night before they all leave. They start early and get as drunk as possible. Less sex was had on sundays but lots of hilarious boy group antics were shared in. Oh apart from the footy team I fucked in this story, that was a Sunday!

So 242, who was he, where did I meet him, where did we have sex, how was the sex? I had been sober for over 4 years at the time so that isnt why I cant remember a lot of these boys, its purely a numbers game. Too many, too long ago. He was one of 14 that month and young, hot, drunk, Aussies all kind of blend into one after a while. It was also gangbang season. More excuses for poor 242. I have pictures of the guy I fucked and pictures of me lying by the pool where all the footy trips stayed the next day, and ones of me and the chick I went out with the night of 242, but between them, nothing. However. To feel sexy and confident enough to strut around the pool filled with large groups of boys, meant it must have been a pretty successful encounter the night before. I wrote diaries when I was in Australia but right now they are back in England as I had to get my mom to hide them from a ex for me, but in order to fill in some more of my blanks Im gonna have to get them over here real soon! Until then 242, on 12th October 2012, Thank you!

…picked a dud.

It picked 1. But that is a massive story that I’m not ready to share yet. It involves a trip to America, shitty “friends”, a wild party, a hospital stay, the front pages on all the national newpapers in the UK and some in the US as well as features on the 6 O’clock news, school suspensions, nervous breakdowns, teachers quitting and a family fleeing the US for ten years. No big deal…No wonder I have a wild sex life that I dont mind sharing!

…fucked a fan

The number generator today picked 224. And that means I also have to talk about 223….cause it was a threesome.

I dont know how we started hanging out, but we were at the big backpackers club/hostel in town, and I was sat on a pool table with both of them. Making out with both of them, one at a time. People were certainly interested as we weren’t hiding anything. One was the standard hot aussie, nice body, just hot. The other was a bit more alternative, 224, with dark hair and tattoos. I dont think at that point I had anything to hide from anyone. There wasnt someone I was trying to see or convince I was better behaved than I am. So I didnt care that people were watching me with both of them. We went back to theirs at some point. Not sure if it was a hotel or apartment as half the hotels in aus are mini apartments. But we were on the sofa and somehow they saw my booty shorts I had on under my dress. Now I remember why I had them on. It had been one of those nights where I just wanted to dance. And it was a Sunday, so anything goes. I was frequently getting in dance circles in this club and there was a dude there who was an amazing dancer and we would get lowww for Kanyes Mercy. Like, full splits humping the floor low. So I had popped on my MyFreeCams booty shorts under my dress to preserve some modesty. When 224 saw them, presumably when we were getting naked and messing around in the living room, he pointed them out and said he used to watch MyFreeCams. I told him I had been on there for a few years. He said he mostly used to watch this girl with blue hair and that he had a few shows with her a few years ago….that was me! I was blonde and not doing much camming at the time so he didn’t recognise me. But it was definitely me he used to watch! 

We started in the living room, them both on the sofa and me on my kness in front of them, taking my turn with their cocks. I wanted 223 more than 224. We took it to the bedroom and spent a bit of time with all three of us. A cock in my mouth and pussy, taking my turn with them. It was a big white bed with plenty of space for all three of us. There was more of a connection with one of them than the other, though right now I cant remember which. One of them kept leaving and it became less of a threesome than a one at a time.

…I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it

i guess i know if it was good sex, when i wake up horny and masturbate without porn to the memory of the sex. this isnt something that happens often. any of it. the sex good enough or the masturbating to a memory. that is how today started. 

after previously deciding i was done with using people solely for sex and wanted to spend time with people in their territory, doing activities, valuing them as a human, swearing off “hangout” dates and looking for hot men for sex on dating apps, I endered the horny phase of my monthly cycle and threw all my new resolve out the window. I decided I still just need sex for the sake of it, even if its just once more to convince me not to again. 

I cant be bothered to write about how i found the one i did and the ups and downs in between. but safe to say it was as annoying, time consuming, overwhelming, underwhelming and frustrating as always. Im skipping to the starting a conversation with him part. Cause I think we only started talking like a hour before he came over. I had actually messaged him first. Days later he replied. We started messaging back instantly. But it was already 9:30 and he actually wasnt someone I had been planning on using for sex. he was my age and kinda interesting. So i didnt think the coversation was going to lead to meeting up. By 10 we had decided he was coming over. By 10:20 he was here. I had said I was going to bed a midnight so there was only time for a quick chat really. But he was hot. And it was exciting. And I knew pretty quickly that no sex was no longer a option.

It was nice to talk to a grown up for a change before sex. Definitely easier when someone has a large amount of life experience also. When we first kissed it was bad. Like bad bad. Like oh shit, I think I might end up having to ask him to leave if the sex is as bad as this kissing. Like I have to tell him how bad it is. Several times. But all of a sudden something changes and it starts working and hes layed me down and is holding his tight body firmly against mine, grinding into me, his hands squeezing my tits. I moan loudly against him as I finally start feeling the sensations Ive been craving so hard. That firm touch, hard muscles, soft skin, wet pussy, clit grinding, hard cock against me, skin tingling, body aching, feeling.. My brain starts to fade away and all the sensations and my body takes over. Stages of clothes come off in random orders and after just about the right amount of time, I am naked and he is in his soft briefs. I finally get to feel his skin against mine as he lays on top of me again. My legs wrap around him and in a firm tight embrace we grind and work our bodies, feeling the soft, smooth skin all over me, pressing and squeezing ourselves together using our muscles against each other. And I know its gonna be good sex. This shit is my jam. And it tends to be found in older males, of his type. I was so releived. It turned around and I no longer had any worries of having to kick him out. 

The first time we fucked he stayed on top of me the whole time. There wasnt much between kissing and him being inside me. But that is what i wanted. It was the way his body moved with mine that was feeling so good and i wanted to keep going. We didnt need foreplay. We wanted to what we were, but with my pussy squeezing his cock aswell. He had a nice dick. Not huge, but just the perfect size so that when he pushed himself as deep inside me as he could, it pressed up against my cervix in a very, very pleasurable way. That only happens when I’m super turned on. It can hurt. A lot. But it felt so good. Slight position changes were made and legs moved as we moved against each other, pressing deeper and firmer for more pressure and stimulation. It went on for longer than I expected and I was finding it deeply satisfying, litterally, even though I wasnt feeling orgasmic. When I really need sex I just want the feeling of a dick inside me. To be filled up, entered, stretched, to feel the weight of a man behind it. And the way he worked it deeply inside me was exactly what i needed. We used a condom so we kept entwined until he came hard inside me.

After a little break I ended up on top of him this time, with him on his front, so I could marvel at his amazing bubble butt. Boys who ride bikes have amazing bums. I massaged and tickled his ass and stroked his back until he was too turned on and rolled over underneath me so I could slide down on his cock. I was so wet from playing with his ass and when his dick hit the right spots inside me, my pussy juiced flowed. I rode him hard, deep, fast, slow, grinding, circling my hips, burying my head in his neck, sittting up and hitting my head on the air conditioner. Again it wasnt orgasmic for me. It nearly was. But it wasnt. But again it was the right kind of sex for me and that depth and firmness is so satisfying.

oops next dates here

…Said No To Sex

Saying no to sex doesnt seem like a radical concept. But to me it is. 

Men will, pretty much, fuck anything. I, intentionally, am very particular with who I meet up with off dating apps and who I even spend too much time talking to in public because I know, ultimately, or even initially, that those men will want to fuck me. Being an attractive, white, middle class, intelligent, sexual woman will do for all but the most picky of penises. It is not my ego saying this. It is the understanding of my physical privelidged, place in the world and how men react to it. Im not saying they all wanna fuck me and not other women. They just want a vagina. And mine is good enough for pretty much anyone who wants a fuck. 

I, however, am not like that. Yes I like as much dick and boys as I can get. But my standards stop me being ok with just fucking anyone. Ive had more than enough sex for the sake of sex. Im not that desperate. I dont like my orgasms tinged with the regret of knowing Im batting below my average. I have higher standards for the men I sleep with.

So, I make sure I only meet up with men who I have already decided I want to fuck. They have to look they way I want them to, and we have to interact in a way I like, then we also have to be on the same page sexually, before I consider meeting them. That way I dont have to reject them at some point. I dont have to worry about figuring out if I am going to want to sleep with them. I dont have to worry about how the nights gonna go, cause its gonna be sex. 

Another reason I have to be sure I want to be having sex with these boys before we meet, is cause meeting someone seems to have been reduced to pretty much always sitting in the bus, or occasionally thier house, smoking weed and explaining my life and purpose to them for hours and hours, into the early morning, before we tiredly finally start making out and have some boringly normal sex, even if its good, its never anything more than exciting first time sex. I dont choose to talk about my life for hours, but 99 times out of 100, i have lived a richer and more varied life than anyone Im talking to, so they can’t help but keep asking questions, and I, and the weed, cant help but reply and go deeper and keep talking. Pretty much every experience I have is the same with all men. Because it becomes about me so quickly. I start with the intention of listening and learning, but it never ends up that way. Its just another person to bounce myself off of and see myself reflected in. 

Same goes for the actual sex I have. Its all the same. Cause I control the room. I give myself good sex with whoever happens to be providing the penis, cause I know how to have good sex. They are a canvas for me to have sex on. They arent bringing me anything new or different, except a different technique to the standard routine they know to act out. Cause most people only can comprehend, what to me, is the standard routine. So its up to me to break that enough for me to get sexual pleasure from the sex rather than just submit to letting each new and lesser experienced men show me how their limited and repressed sexuality manifests iteself on my body. They are there to mirror my sex back to me.

And this isnt satisfying me any more. Any of it. The same conversations with a different face and slightly different personal take on life and their experiences and reactions to my concepts accompanied with average vanilla sex, that is basically me using them to wank with. I have become the problematic man who uses women for their bodies, and doesn’t value the individual. And as some of those men do, I have come to the realization I need to stop using people and interacting with people solely for sex.

Cause my standards are high, I spend a lot of time and energy looking for dick just to satisfy my bodies needs. I do notice a change in my mental and physical health if I go too long without physical touch, intimacy, and sex. So I am aware I have a real need to still have sex someway, some how. By the time I find someone to satisfy that sexual need, that lives up to my standards, whilst constantly travelling and moving to new places, I am desperate for sex. It is all I want from that interaction. Ive waited so long to find it, they better be up for a good 24 – 72 hours of being locked in a room with me to get all my sexual, intimacy and connection needs fulfilled by them. And that normally works. It satisfies me. It gives me life. It makes me glow. 

That didnt happen after the last sex fest I had tho. The opposite was true. Which has lead me to muse on and try and grow from the experience and come to the conclusion I am ready to move past these interactions. I need something different for it to work for me. In the rest of my life I am making a huge effort to not waste time and make my life as good as I want it. So I have to extend the courtesy to my sex life and how I interact with other humans. I dont want to have to sit and re hash my life for hours while I sit at home talking to a stranger I wont see again. I dont value those conversations. I dont value that time. I hate seeing my energy drained by lesser entities sucking the life from me as entertainment. I dont let men pay to have deep conversations with me online. So why let someone take my time up with it for free? I want to use the time with other humans in a way that works for me. 

Until this point it felt like sex and connection was a nice way to spend my time. But even now saying that, I am aware I have felt this before. And not just once. So this isnt the first time Ive stopped valuing these one dimensional interactions. But I think its the first time I have felt like other people can enhance my life and I can enjoy other people, in a different way. I live full time travelling the country, mostly in areas packed with similar people doing all kinds of amazing activities. I only hike. But I’m desperate to do other activities. And I’m desperate to spend time with someone who is the expert in the dynamic. In a sexual/date/meet up scenario, I am the expert, the teacher, the one controlling the room, impressing someone. I want to spend time with people doing the things they are the expert at, are passionate about or want someone else to do an activity with. I want to try out climbing, riding a dirt or mountain bike, off roading, ski-ing, snowboarding, kayaking, paddle boarding, jet ski-ing. Anything. All of it. I am surrounded by experts in outdoor activities. Impress me with your abilities. Show me how good you are at the thing you love. Dont just sit in a room and talk to me about my journey. Take me outside and show me why you are alive. Lets LIVE. Let me interact with humans without me being the one giving someone else a special, unique, new, exciting, good, experience. Let me be the one to take something from an interaction for a change. Fill me up with your competency and experience rather than draining me of all of mine.

Unless you are doing something, nothing is real. Sitting in a room and talking isnt really a reality. Nothing is happening. You arent doing anything. Its all just concepts and words. Its such a waste of time. I’m done with talking. Let DO something. Male, female, gender non defined. Lets stop talking about experiencing life and do it together. 

I know there is a large percentage of the population who would think meeting someone and doing something with them is dating 101. People who expect that. People who get taken out and impressed, bought dinner, gone hiking, spent time and money together, and expect to not even have to worry about ending the “date” with sex. Cause that just isnt what they do, or what they consider shouldn’t be done, or even happens, in general. But Ive never been one of those people. Like I said at the start, I know men want to fuck, so I have always been ready for them wanting sex immediately and provided it. Not all men expect that. But I expect it to be like that. I don’t like arbitrary games. I think women “holding out” out of a need to feel valued by a certain amount of time passing before sex, is gross. Non sex interactions, to me, seemed like a waste of time from getting to the point of why we are meeting anyway.

For the longest time, what really does it for me in men, is really really hot men! 10s. Great faces, perfect ripped bodies, big dick, good style. A few people have won me over with personality so they look like 10s to me, but the rest of the men I sleep with are just sub par conquests, 8s, which isnt bad, but also doesnt give me the satisfaction sexually or mentally I need to make vanilla sex worth it and exciting. I now understand how rare it is for me to find a man attractive enough for me to be satisfied with just vanilla sex. Which means I can stop looking for attractive men to have vanilla sex with. Its a bad investment of time and energy. I want to spend time with people to have a good time doing an activity while I get to know who they are, see them being a human, exist together in reality, which may or may not end up with sexual activity based on how we interact doing things and not just sitting and talking. They don’t have to be 10s. I dont have to want to fuck them before I even meet them. They just need to be interesting and adventurous for day time activities. Any sexual chemistry would be a bonus, not expected.

Sexually, I am going to have to focus any energy I want to spend on looking for sex, looking for the kind of sex I actually want to have. Experimental, kinky, very non vanilla, with people who are experienced to some level at such play. I dont need boys who want to try stuff. I dont need to be the teacher or convince vanilla boys to do things for the first time. I want someone who has a rich sexuality to engage with in a adventurous way where we both explore our sexual interests and dont waste time talking about life, death and the universe as some kind of faux way to feel like you respect each other enough to boringly bone. I dont want a dick pumping at my vagina. I want to explore my Domme abilities and play with kinks that arent about the pussy or cock. I want to keep fulfilling my fantasies rather than rehashing the limited sexual box most people live in. I have so much more sexual experiences to do and try that would be a much better use of my time, abilities, experience and body. I deserve that.

I am continually growing, evolving and learning what is right for me and how that changes. As I honor and love myself more deeply and respect the goddess I am, I realize I can keep raising my standards and expectations around the sex I have and the people I interact with.

Which takes me to last night. Where I met up with a guy off Bumble. In my new mindset, I decided to look for men around my age, as they are likely more experienced, accomplished and should be pretty good at the activities they like by now. And what ends up happening….I spend the night sitting in my bus smoking weed, talking about my life and the universe until past midnight, where he makes a move he’s clearly been desperate to make the whole time he was here. The kissing was bad. Like bad bad. I didnt want to be kissed. I had been accepting his lighter moves like touching me. But I had not met him for sex. I had no intention of having sex. I had no intention of letting this night unfold like every one before. So after a short amount of kissing which felt like wayyyy too long with his cold, open mouth on mine, in such a awkward, uncomfortable union, I pulled away and said, “I need to let you know I dont plan of having sex tonight.”

I could go on to unpack how fucked it is that kissing a woman basically means sex is going to happen and you can’t enjoy goingly slowly and revel in the moment and feel comfortable knowing the man isnt going to move to the next “base” without talking or consent. But, ugh, I just cant be bothered. 

So, after I made that statement, I kept on talking about how and why I wasnt able to have sex with him. Which he pretended to be totally fine with. Obviously he wanted sex. But he was ok with respecting my wishes. To the point where he said I dont even need to explain anything, a no would be fine. However, this was a new experience for me, saying no, and I wanted to move through it conciously. I wanted to talk to him about it. Wanted to share the reason for my anxiety behind saying no and expectation I aways feel to have sex. To muse on how I’m trying to move past me being the one using people for sex. 

A lot of people are of the mindset that you dont say certain things, or you dont need to explain yourself or whatever. But I believe the only way to grow and be a better version of yourself is to be concious and aware and open and share. You DO need to talk about problematic things for you and other people. You do need a meta awareness of and interaction with, any situation or relationship you are in. You do need to be able to talk and think about the thing, be it a personality, a interaction, a event, a relationship, a conversation, etc, from the outside, an observer of the thing, ego free, working towards making your reality better. Ignorance isnt bliss. Awareness is.

The conversation with him, about my choice not to have sex, was helpful, if a little difficult. But we managed to hang out another 15 or so minutes before he excused himself for the night and went to bed. It was kind of a mutual decision about how late it had gotten, cause for me, it had already gone on two hours too long and I was late for bed. I had previously decided I wasnt going to let this happen, as the late nights and schedule disruption are another way my interactions with men are disrespecting my time and energy, and another example of how I let the situation wash over me in the moment and dont stick to my behaviors I am learning I need, to honor myself. And yet, here I was, 1am, still awake, high as fuck, needing a late night snack to cope with the stress, because of someone else. I didn’t honor myself. I didnt say I needed to go to bed at 11pm. That it was important to me. Cause we are taught to, and to value, especially women, putting others first, going out your way for someone, putting your needs on the back burner cause doing you is selfish. So now today, my energy is slightly drained from him verbally sucking my life out of me, and keeping me up later than I intended. But, I didnt end having sex I didnt want to have to the list of ways I didnt honor myself. And that is the biggest step of all. The other bits are the dressing. Things I can work on. Holding strong to being myself, and my routine, while finding ways to spend time with other people. 

This is another reason I want to meet people to do activities. I want to get up at 6am and go to bed at 10pm. I dont want to sit up late at night talking. I want to use the day, not waste the next day by wasting my time doing something the night before I dont want to do. And I shouldnt have to do something I dont want to and doesnt fit with my schedule, just to spend time with a stranger. 

I rushed into meeting this man, without my energy being fully restored from the last sex drain, on the week before my period where I suffer from PMDD, as I wanted to test myself. See if I could stay strong in meeting someone without the intention of having sex and respecting my sexual, social and schedule boundaries. Despite it not all going to plan and feeling more drained today, physically and mentally, I feel it definitely helped me grow and guide me from the path I’ve been on and strengthen my resolve to find a new way for me to interact with humans and sex. So next time someone suggests we “hangout”, my new answer will be No!

Connecting

I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome, so I took this as a warm up. I had lots of orgasms, i think. I dont really remeber as we got wild high. But I get orgasms, so i assume i had lots. In the morning before he went to work I got him to give me a proper dicking, so that was a nice few minutes before he rushed off to work. I knew the threesome thing wasnt 100% even though we had extended the hotel another night for them, as, well, people are people. Ideas are great till it comes time to do it. So I thought it was worth getting some back up dick in that day, while I had the hotel to myself, to make sure I got the dicking I wanted to in that hotel, after looking forward to it for the last sex starved month. I found a boy on tinder who I thought was worth it. Its a fairly hard to describe the process of decisions that lead me to decide who I will meet or even talk to. Its much more of a sense. A mutual rhythm. Using my intuition. A bit of online stalking. Schedules lining up. Equivalent energy. I can go weeks or months without finding someone I align with. Then boom it happens and Ive usually met them within a few hours to a couple of days. Anyway, he was one of them. Ish. Cause I really just wanted dick. I dropped a lot of the filters I usually use and focused on his face. It was really good. Butttt as I hadnt used my other filters, when I met him, I saw all the signals I had missed and would usually have picked up on and moved on from. But it was fine. I was high as fuck and gettting off on the idea id just ordered this boy over to my hotel to use his pretty face and dick. I giggled while we smoked in the bus and he talked about some shit. I wasnt listening. I was giggling thinking of how cute his face was and how I just wanted to take advantage of him. I grinned thinking of how in control I was and how I would be fucking him soon. Taking joy in objectifying him while he carried on talking about some other shit. He wasnt a 10, or anything close, he was kinda weird, but I wasnt looking for a connection. I wanted a good fucking. After drawing out the talking and flirting to the point of awkwardness, I jumped on him. I dooo like making them wait, even though I knew already it was on and I didnt need any convincing or connection before hand. In fact only one I can remeber has had enough balls to just come and meet me and take me immediately for a long time. They normally happily (probably not really) sit around talking about some deep shit for hours before we establish enough of a mutual understanding to move forward physically. Which Im getting pretty sick of, which is basically what this story is about me unpacking. So ill get back to the narrative to finish the story before I explore the point of it. Basically, finishing the aside, the 20 year old who came in the bus the first time meeting me and just grabbed me and kissed me was fucking amazing. This dude wasnt that. So eventually I jumped on him. And he was actually really sexy. I was happily suprised. He had good moves. I dont remeber his kissing or cock tho. That sex amnesia! I blame it on my god like ability to be super present in the moment so that time and space no longer exist and i am only sensation. I have no body parts, I am just a quantity of energy experiencing pleasure. My body moves without direction. I have no brain. I become animal. My vagina is the drivver of my body. Ecstacy its motivation. There is no bed, no room, no tomorrow. There can be another entitiy there with me or I can be experiencing it entirely alone. However the people I feel i can bond with are the ones who can have the same experience of sex. I also hope for some I have facilitated a space to explore that with no judgement. But that was just supposed to be a quick point about why i dont remeber this boys cock. It could also be cause I saw a lot this week! The first sex was good and long. The second was less good. Cause I got way too tempted to let his cock slip inside me for a second before I put the condom on cause Im really selfish in bed and the combination of the pre sex teasing, the naughtiness of not using a condom and the sensitibity of my pussy, I can come instantly from that. Which is exactly what happened. I had planned on whipping it out, shoving a condom on it and carry on fucking him for a while. However, me cumming made him pull out and cum all over my leg. Which was frustrating on so many levels. First and foremost, that he was that close to cumming inside of me, when i was just trying to cop a sneaky feel of his dick. (yes I know I am not in a position to blame him for this, but i was mad). Also the post no condom moments tend to feel worse than the pleasure gained from the taboo kink I experience in the moment. And then also that meant no more orgasms for me. So I said I had to work, which I did. And sent him on his way. He wanted to meet again. But I did not. I worked for a bit on cam and then got ready for the couple to come over. I was super nervous as Id never been in this situation before. It was like being set up on a date with a fuck buddies girlfriend. It wasnt like that, it was that. However I know life isnt porn so I also knew that sex might not even happen. I knew they wanted to talk about some potential porn ideas and that we would all have a lot to talk about anyway as I find them very interesting. So I was open to have whatever needed to happen, happen. We texted a bit when they were on their way about how nervous we all were, which was cute. Then eventually, they arrived. She was gorgeous. Like beyond. So totally different than i imagined her. We ended up sitting on the bed and got chatting. And we got deep pretty quickly. What they ended up needing was a space to talk about some ideas they had with each other, but with a third, non judgemental party, to mirror themselves back to each other, in the room. And it was lovely. I got to help two amazing people realize things about themselves and each other that will create positive growth for them as individuals and the relationship they are navigating. She did end up getting cross faded and vomited the last couple of hours till they managed to leave. Which is totally my fault as I kept handing her the vape pen cause she seemed to be enjoying it so much. After they left I smoked a bit more and watched some arrested development, content despite it being such a different experience. 

I am battling so hard with myself right now about what to write about what is next. I want to write that I dont want to write about it. I also want to say it was too gross to talk about. But it wasnt at all. At the time it was lovely. But right now. Gross. I seem to have gained this retrospective disgust over mens looks. When I look back at someone I fucked a few days later, I have started to sometimes feel repulsed I let them have sex with me. Despite even feeling a connection at the time. And desire. But when all that is gone  I am dissapointed with my standards. That is kind of another theme of this musing on all the sex I had. I think I have this for like 3 of the 4. To differeing degrees. Which is why Im looking into my motivations for sex through this story, see what mistakes im making. See what isnt serving me and what isnt helping me grow and move past it so i am able to have more positive and healthy sexual relations in the future. Before the sex drought I had sex with two boys. One did the post sex revulsion thing to me. The other didnt. I swore I wouldnt let that happen again. I thought Id understood the level i needed. But I think I have still underestimated my new standard. I dont know if this standard has arrisen from a deeper self worth, from my self love and understanding growing so intense, or from having been spoilt over the years with getting to fuck the hottest men ive ever seen. But my standard now is high. But that makes it so hard to get sex.. And I dont get any where near the amount of sex i want or need as it is, without having to adhere to my standards aswell! This is why i miss legal sex work. I got all the sex I needed and wanted and wasnt grossed out by the men cause they were balancing the equation with cash. I like to be able to look back on the men Ive fucked and still get a boner over them. Like the 20 year old. And sometimes they are still hot but go batshit crazy. Like sectioned crazy. So I wouldnt fuck them again. But still. They were Hot. Boner.

So now Ive softened the blow/made it way worse, I will say, in retrospect, I dont love what follows. I dont want to detail it really. ill bash it out and see what happens. The next one i spoke to the night before. we spoke again the sunday morning and made plans to meet. he/she was interesting sexually and had similar interests to talk about. we met. i ate food. we talked good shit. it was interesting. we went back to the bus. I had parked in the transit center. Which is where we fucked. I got to fuck him in the ass with my strap on. I wanted to get what I wanted out of it cause he wanted to “groom” each other and some sensual shit. It ended up being sex. Pegging then sex. With his tiny finger penis. I feel so bad being mean about it. I was nice in the moment. He is still a decent human adn the intereaction was valid and real. but. it just wasnt hot. We cuddled and sexed again before he left. That will do.

I parked up at walmart for the night and ate cake to recover. The next morning I went and bought a new phone holder for the window of the bus. when i was back in the bus fixing it, i noticed a boy in a van in the spot in front of me. He looked pretty cute, so i messed around with the phone holder for about 15 minutes longer than i needed to while i watched him and we smiled and waved at each other. I went back in the bus and was getting ready to drive off when he came over and asked if i wanted to smoke. His giant dog came in the bus and I did really well at being totally fine with it. We smoked a few bowls, a joint and chatted and laughed for a a few hours about life on the road mostly. And he was way cuter than Id thought when I saw him out the window. I was crushing on him. But he had to go to work. We swapped numbers and said we would meet up again. I was super excited and like a teenager for the rest of the after and was super excited about seeing him again. I got to my favorite spot here in this area and let him know where I was. He ended up getting off work early to come out and meet me. This was about 9pm on the Monday. I was cooking dinner, so we ate and talked for a while. There were about 3 or 4 awkward silences that could have been filled with me making a move, but I was making sure he was wanting me to! Eventually I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. We spent the next 40 hours naked in the back of my bus, smoking, talking, eating, sexing. I had a lotttt to tell him about what to do and not to do with my body. It was hard work at times, but he was trying and geting better and better. He took all my constructive critism so well. I do like giving people a hard time when I like them, its a english thing. So I teased him about the things I was trying to get him to change too! It takes a certain type of character I value highly, to not take yourself too seriously and to laugh along with someone pointing out a character or behavioural flaw. I need people around me to be self aware and to not have strong or fragile egos. There were moments when I felt like i was using him to access the sexual meditation i described earlier. He wasnt used to a woman directing the sex so didnt know how to react to it. It felt like he was just letting it happen to him. Which is exactly what I think a lot of sex is like for men. As women let sex happen to them as that is the way it is meant to be. I knew my actions werent gettting him off and he didnt know how to access the supportive role I need from a man. I dont expect a stranger to be able to react to me or my body like that the first time we fuck. But I do like a man who can let go to the pleasure in the moment and not even worry about how to react to me. I would indulge myself for a bit when I felt him just recieving my sex, but would pull myself out of it to reconnect with him. His dick was nice. Biggest Ive had in a while. A nice handful. It didnt make me sore though. Which is perfect. His body was nice. A active human. Not skinny, some definition. He was sexy. I have a medium boner over him now. It was a really nice time. Lots of being cute and connecting. Cuddling and looking at each other. Some tears shed. Ive had a few of these type of experiences over the last year and I manifested this one into existence. I think I thought I was craving this type of deep connection. That just sex wasnt good enough unless its with a 12. So I needed this. And then it arrived at my door. I remeber talknign about how I had stopped valuing “connections” a couple of years ago, with Kate, cause I connect with everyone. And that is kind of how I feel after this weekend. There was so much sharing. So much connecting and explaining. So many valuable conversations. That they start to loose their value.  

Now Im craving a 12 that wont really even talk to me. Lets connect over sext about how hot we are. Then come let me worship at the alter of male perfection. I want to lick 8 abs. And a sex V. I want tanned smooth skin. I want some shitty tattoos. I want groomed body hair. I want soap and aftershave. I want to show off all the skills ive learned to try and be the best sex hes ever had, even if im not the hottest. Cause he is so hot he would get any woman in the world. I want my body used and manipulated for the male pleasure it was designed for. Revel in the pleasure I want to give.

Its like some kind of in built animal hiarachy in me. Lesser physical specimines of men than myself are there to serve me and my pleasure, give me orgasms, listen to and adopt my suggestions, behave. But men I am lesser than make me want to serve them. To be the provider or orgasms, the performer of pleasure. Dont get me wrong. Give me a 12 that wants to do exactly the same shit as me anyyyday. But that is some unicorn fantasy bullshit I wont even entertain the idea of for the pain it would bring me every day that it isnt in my life.

Or maybe all this is, is sex addiciton? Always needing new, more, different. Ive had my fill and thrill of “connecting” and now I need hot sex and weirder sex. Or it could just be the natural fluctuations of my sexuality and needs? Sometimes im loving and open, sometimes im hard and mean. 

I dont want to feel bad about anyone I have sex with. But I cant find a balance of keeping my standards to what i enjoy and getting enough sex to keep me mentally and physically healthy. This week has been a trial and error review of trying to find what i need. I feel blank and empty. Drained. I dont feel sexually satisfied. Nor aesthetically satisfied. I feel like i had a low standard version of everything ineeded. and that doesnt feel good. and it doesnt make me feel nice sayimg it. I cannot express enough how this isnt any reflection on the people i spent time with. this is just my experience of an interaction with them and its impact on me. I still value these people for who they are and the time they spent with me and what they gave me. I am not saying they are lesser than me. I am exploring how I am not valuing the connection, that was real, as highly in my needs to be satisfied. I am not unaware that connection and giving is a two way street and for some people, especially males, its much harder for them to give, than a woman who does it professionally. But it wouldnt be fair to me to write something that isnt true. If i did that, this whole thing would be pointless.

This is ultimately the journey I am on in life. One of finding the sexual balance in my life that works. I continue to explore what I enjoy, need, value and want. And hopefully after I regain my energy from the last week, I will be able to understand more than I did before it.

 Painful to read. Agony to share. But a adreniline rush to do.

Today is my 20 year sex anniversary…Loosing My Virginity.

To Me:

Today is my 20 year sex anniversary. And I dont want to do anyone about it. I am 18 people away from a total of 400. I had kind of hoped I could co inside my 400 with my 20 year but the circumstances have not arisen so I will not force a number correlation. I am working on the bus at the moment. It is driving me mad. Its taking forever. but it is pretty fucking awesome. im scared to be excited about it incase it isnt gonna be as good as i think it is!!!! She is taking up most of my brain at the moment. So i guess so it shall be that my 20 year sexiversaty is spent introspectively and self indulgently. It feels right. like a lot changed at that moment and now is a time to reclaim some of that space for myself. Honor my journey. Not needing to share it with anyone else, physically. It is of more benefit to me mentally and physically to honor my own body rather than needing anyone else to honor it, as my celebration of my sexuality and sexual journey. i know now that no one can know and honor my sexuality enough right now to be worthy of spending time with my body on such a momentous occasion..

I find some of my musings exceptionally obnoxious, when reading them back, almost immediately. But it is only obnoxious if its shared. if not shared, it is just my thoughts. and we can think whatever we like.

My brain got foggier and foggier as the day went on today. I am exhausted. The bus is progressing slowly right now and my attempt to mulit task left me completely cotton wool brained. I was ready to go get some more things from Lowes but knew I wanted a bit of a drive first to try and clear my head. What did become clear was the fact that my head was getting increasingly fuzzy, not even the joint I was smoking helped. I stopped to figure out what it was i wanted to do and eventually realized I needed to write. I drove back home and picked up my laptop and drove back out, to the forest near my moms place. I have pulled over at the side of a dirt road, it seems quite a main one, and got my laptop out to write about my 20 year sexiversary. The back of the car is the next best thing to the bus I have.

I cant quite believe its been 20 years. That makes me feel old. An amount of time I cant comprehend. 14 doesn’t seem that long ago. It wasnt that long ago I was a teenager, Im barely an adult now. I’ve slept with boys who are under 20 now. I mean, Im not surprised, I did it on purpose. To specifically fuck boys young enough to technically have been my son. I cant wait till im 36 then I can fuck someone half my age. 

20 years ago I lost my virginity. Tomorrow, 20 years ago, I was released from hospital after being given plan b, hiv preventative meds, a rape kit, an IV, and a preliminary interview with the police. In two days time, 20 years ago, news of me loosing my virginity hit the front pages of all the national newspapers in the UK, as well as being featured on the TV news. The whole of the country knew I had gotten drunk and had sex, however, as I was in America at the time, I was unaware of the commotion I had caused. In 5 days time, 20 years ago, I arrived back at Heathrow airport, to be greeted by two members of the press I had seen on a TV show about the airport at the time. I excitedly told the teachers they were there, and they proceeded to inform me to be quiet and behave because they were there to see me. In 6 days time, 20 years ago, I found out that I had been suspended from my school and was to stay at home. My parents and the parents of my friend, who had been at the same party as me, tried to fight the school to get our suspension over turned because it wasnt our fault the teachers didnt check the chalets each night, thus me and my friends being able to go out to a party at 14, on a school trip, with no adults knowing where we were. During one tense evening in 8 days, 20 years ago, the 4 parents were in one room, me and my friend were watching TV in the next room. The 6 O’Clock news came on. And we were the headline. We couldnt believe it. We didnt quite know the extent of the press coverage of our story and this was the first we had seen of it. We ran screaming into our parents, excited, to tell them. The excitement was not appreciated. Our parents won against the school and we had to go back to face the music in 10 days, 20 years ago. I went in late so as not to have to walk up the long drive with everyone around. I had to stop wearing make up to school. An assembly was held to discuss what had happened to me and the press coverage. The whole country and all my school mates had now been discussing, reading and hearing about me loosing my virginity for a week. Shortly after I returned to school, our friendship group split in two over the events that lead to the world discovering I had lost my virginity. Several weeks later one of the teachers who was on the trip, and our form teacher, quit due to a nervous breakdown from the stress of me loosing my virginity. 18 months later I was in America again, waiting at a courthouse for the boy I lost my virginty to, to arrive so we could start the hearing. I wasnt pressing charges. The state was, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was going to be able to answer their questions via a video link to the court room so I wouldnt have to be in there with him. Statutory rape wasnt the only charge however. He had stolen credit cards, and something about alcohol and minors. At some point, while I sat in that wood paneled room with my mom and the woman who was liasing with us that looked exactly like my mom, it became apparent that he was not going to be showing up. An hour or so later we heard he had skipped the country. The boy I lost my virginity to had fled the country to his families home country in eastern europe. All because I had been taken to this party, that was 20 years ago tonight. 8 years later we got a letter from the courthouse back in America. I was 24. 10 years after it happened. He had returned to America and arrested upon arrival. They asked if I wanted to say anything at his hearing. I didnt. We had only done what infinite people had done before us. Got drunk at a party and consensually fooled around. He was sentenced to a short amount of time in jail  and probation and may have even gotten time served. The people that caused this whole situation, the boys who took us to the party in exchange for marijuana, and my friend that got caught on her way to the boys chalet after the party to thank them for taking us, as a poor excuse to see the one she fancied, then told the teachers she was out looking for a teacher because me and my friend were vomiting and might have been raped, had no repercussions from the night. And they were the only problematic people in the situation. Yes a 19 year old probably shouldnt have sex with a 14 year old girl. But I wasnt your average 14 year old, I knew what I wanted, and according to my memory, I made sure I got as much of it as I could that night from many of the boys, even if no one elses police statement matched up with my memory. But that didnt surprise me. Who would tell the police I was alone in a room with about 5 or 6 of the American boys, playing spin the bottle, but with much more dick sucking instead of making out? I did though. And I still remember being in that room today. What I dont actually even remember, is having sex. I only remember on the walk home realizing my vagina was sore and commenting that I thought I had had sex. Its a weird dichotomy to hold, the whole country knowing I had lost my virginity, yet me, never even remember it happening. After loosing my virginity made front page news and wreaked havoc for many people, I dont think I was ever going to have a normal sex life. I was destined for a life of sex, about sex, for sex, sex work, sexiness, feminism, the body, self exploration, openness, intimacy, sexual skills, exploring. Sex has always been something I didnt need to hide or suppress, maybe because of how I lost my virginity. Or maybe I was always and always would have been like this. Even if we hadnt gotten caught, or if I hadnt gone to the party and it was another time, with another person, without scandal. I will never know for sure, but for sure in relation to how I lost my virginity, my sexuality and sexual history, makes sense.

Stream Of Consciousness

Devolving into dating app memoir.

I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done.

Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always had sex amnesia. I forget what happened after its finished. And then i forget what their penises were like. On cam i forget what show we did. They all just blur into one.

I wonder if i should write about how i find the sex i do. How im the hunter.how i choose.

The high failure rate. Potential bio to fix it. Ultimately a new kind of dating app to be made.

I have been using dating apps and websites to find sex for about 12 years now. I never really used them for dates. Sometimes id go through phases thinking i wanted dates, but really i just wanted a certain level of respect to be gained/felt or earnt from my future partner before we had sex. Now i can comand that just with the sex act alone and never need the pretence of a date. I have also never looked for a relationship on them. I have found love on them. But i was never there for love. So i would say i have gained quite extensive knowlege and exerience of internet dating that i wish to share. Obviously it is just my experience from my perspective and privilidge position. That isnt nessersacry to disect. I just want to hold up a example of things that happen but dont get talked about in the hopes that when someone else feels the same they feel bolstered by someone else having felt or done it before, as well as titlate, entertain you, the wider audience, to question comonly held beliefs, and discuss potential ideas for progress.

I am going to have to have a good think about what my first online dating memory was. I think im remebering who it was. A boy called Tim. He liked snowboarding. I was living in my own flat in Camden in london at the time and it had already turned into a bit of a sex den. I seemed to be fucking a lot of people in secret at that point in my life and that worked out well as i seemed to be the obly person who lived alone in central london! Maybe that is why i had so amany men! Lol. 

I think the first dating site i used was plenty of fish. I think. It had a reputation for being a hook up site. Perfect! I just checked my list and it was the night before my 26th birthday. I think we did the very traditional pizza and movie combo. Watching movies until we were litterally too tired and had to suggest going to bed….then we had sex. The few times after that were the same. As was most of the sex i was having at that time. Lots of sitting around watching things till it was too late to have any real fun as you were both too tired. To be fair that has happened recently too. Just with more talking rather than watching things. 

After the first time i realised it wasnt just weirdos online, there were plenty of people like me looking for sex too. The next experience was one of my only bad experiences ive had from online dating. There was a long build up. He was deployed in the army abroad. Eventually i found out he had a wife and child. But he decided to come to London to visit me before he flew back home to see them. I was a differnt person then and put all the responsibility for cheating on the person with the partner. We had swapped pictures, but we hadnt skyped. Well. Despite having spent about a month talking to him when i finally met him outside kentish town train station he was nothing like i expected. He was shorter, shinier, sweatier, taughter, tenser. He oozed military, ridgid. We went back to my place and we started the usual pizza and movie night. However at some point i realised i couldnt stand him. Like couldnt physically be around him. But as he was apparently on a transfer back from Afgahnistan and his flught home wasnt till the next day, i didnt feel like i could kick him out. Instead, i tried a unique tac. I faked cyctitis. I used to get it pretty bad fairly oten and wouldn have to just sit in the bath to ease the pain. So i told him a bout had just kicked in and i had to sit in the bath. I sat in there for hours.. The pizza arrived, i stayed in there and ate it in the bath. Eventually i got out when i thought he would be too tired to want to hang out more. We went to bed. And he wasnt too tired. So we had awkward, stiff, hard, souless sex. In the morning we did it again i think. Eventually it was time for him to leave. When he got to the airport his flight had been delaued and asked if he could come back for a few hours. I faked some plans and stopped replying to his messages. 

I had been so aware of the potential dangers of “online dating” when it was first emerging and I was embarrased to have had a bad experience and silly for not getting it right myself. It wasnt however, put off. I just learned, military men arent for me, I need to skype with people before i meed them to see what they actually look like and not to fuck men cheating on wives.

I was in england for about 6 months longer after that, using plenty of fish. I ended up meeting 5 poeple during that time. One was the reason i ended up leaving engand and travleling australia. 

The first 6 months in australia i didnt use dating apps. Travelling, partying and australia were the perfect combination to find me plenty of amazign men to fuck whenever i wanted. I thin i got back on plenty of fish in november of 2011 cause i had crashed a moped and was bed bound for a while. I hate going without dick when i want it, so i started cruising online again. I

I managed to find a few guys in each place i went. Adding that to all the men i would meet in real life, my number from pre aus to post aus doubled. I moved to vegas next and back on plenty of fish. I wanted more options here so branched out onto match.com but soon found it way too much work, fielding all the messages from basically all the men on the site. 

By novemebr 2013 Tinder had entered my life. Everything became infinitely easier. Only getting messages from men that i acutally found attractive was a massive leap forward in my experience online

so I would say i have a pretty good knowledge and experience of how to internet date.

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