Autobiography

Different Brains

i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to be detatched. and flat. its kind of a calm.blank. not impressed. not wanting to make effort. not wanting to be nice to anyone. not wanting to “lighten up”

is this the start of the darkness. is this how it starts. cause it feels strong and positive that i can get shit done and be level and calm but it makes me distant and detatched and i get strickter and less light until i dont want to be light. 

as i feel like this it makes me want to keep myself to myself more. as its kind of hard to relax and be light with people. but then i think the isolation again gets to me and makes me want to isolae even more. or is the stricktness, inability to emote etc cause of isolation.

i kind of have period pains right now i wander if that is cause ive been fucjubg up my pill so i am now in pre period week again and that is why i feel like this?

how do i know if im being strong and focused or isokating/being dark and serious cause of pms

i think it may be cause i havent seen people. like ive seen mom but not had any time or conversation since maybe thursday morning. its now saturday, so its only been 2 full days but still. that is longer than most people dont have a real life conversation for. also all the work stuff gives me a imbalance in how much i dont like people. work makes me want a break from people but maybe speaking to real people i like would be better. by trying to protect the state im in and want to maintain, it ends up taking away where I was. and shuts me down.

Conceptual Sex

Conceptual sex

Taking the masculine role

work concept

real life sex concept

work

male role, 

setting boundaries, 

trying to avoid problemactic languare and scenarios, 

not performing patriachal female stereotypes – aesthetically or behaviourally

wearing no make up

hairy

taking control

showing myself off rather than like giving a twirl for approval

not answering things i dont agree with

schooling people on what they are doing is problematic

taking on the male role

taking space for me to

Random Number Generator

So what if I was to write some blogs while I was on cam and it is super slow. hmmm.

Lets try a random number generator

102 – Dave Babeshadow

220 – Liverpool Threesome

I guess I’ll start with the threesome. I am not 100% sure where the night started. I was back in England for a final trip before going back to Australia for a couple of years. I think i;d been out with my gay friend in my home town. I might have even been out with my stepsister. Either way, I ended up at a Holiday Inn with 2 dudes from Liverpool. I was excited to start writing this one but now I cant remeber anythung that happened. Just that we were on the bed next to the bathroom and a threesome was had. I dunno if I DPed them. At the…….

I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”

I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together.  I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have.

Yo. All Men. Its Fucking OVER!

Yo. All Men. Its Fucking OVER!

I am DONE with men. All men. It is time, after 30 years of putting them first and getting zero in return, to cut the fuckers out my life. 

I have spent the last few years being incredibly protective and defensive of myself after years of abuse and harassment from men. Men in the street, at bars and clubs, on dating apps, in relationships, after one night stands. Over and over. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave my house without at least 5 men sexually approaching me EVERY DAY. The first year in the bus I didn’t wear shorts once. I wore hats, large clothes, baggy hoodies, to hide my femininity, so men wouldn’t see an attractive woman alone in a bus. I have spent the last 5 years avoiding all social situations where I have to interact with men where I don’t know their intentions. I have called other women stupid for putting themselves in obvious situations with men that lead them to being harrased, raped, hit on, or attacked. It had gotten to the point where I knew it was irresponsible for me or other women to be alone with any man you aren’t sexually interested in yourself. I’ve had married bosses proposition me, tour leaders on trips rape me, strangers approach me constantly. One time I’ve given an older man the benefit of the doubt during a nice chat at starbucks that seemed genuine, intelligent and platonic, and gave him my number so we could share more ideas. This man was older than my father. He went bat shit crazy. Hitting on me and then abusing me when I rejected him. A man in his 60s. This has all meant I’ve spent the last few years rejecting seemingly innocent or pleasant social interactions or developing friendships with anyone, avoiding certain social opportunities and basically being trapped inside myself. I realised I couldn’t be myself around people. When im open, confident, caring and happy, fully free to be me, men abuse me. So I started hiding myself. Becoming defensive, more angry, more shut off from the world. Just so people wouldn’t like me so much.

The past couple of months, with the help of a good therapist, I have started to get back into myself. Reconnect with who I am and how I bring myself joy. To get back to being able to be me, comfortably, happily, freely. And this has been going very well. I’ve been going to AA meetings and growing my ability to socialize. In this vein of growth and challenging myself, when one of the sweet old men in the group offered to take me on a hike, I agreed. I spent many days weighing up my decision. Was I being stupid and putting myself in a bad situation? Am I asking for trouble? What are his motives? What are my fears? Why am I so scared to do something so simple and innocent and nice with another human? How will I be able to ever connect to anyone if I don’t practice? I cried many times in the week before the hike. I was so scared. Scared to socialize in a platonic way as I am so out of practice. Scared he will annoy me and I’ll have a shit time and waste my day off. Scared of all the shit that has gone before and why I isolate. But here was a man, in AA, good friends with other members I know, old, ex adventure guide, with a passion for hiking and the local area to match mine. A safe person. Right?

Wrong! 12 miles in to the hike, and thankfully only 2 miles from the end, he proceeded to inform me of his attraction to me. Physical from the start and now even more interested in my personality and attitude. This all came out cause I asked how old he was. And he was embarresed to tell me cause he fucking fancied me. And the whole fucking thing had been driven by that motivator for him. I had an inkling. 2 miles into the hike we passed a couple of women, older than me, younger than him. He told them some history on the hike and when they asked if he was a guide he said ” No, I just get to take very attractive women out on hikes every now and then.” Cringe. But a harmless funny old man comment, right? Wrong. At lunch when I was talking about the love I have for the area and my passion to be a part of it, he said he was feeling the same thing between us as the first time he saw me and we looked at each other a certain way and asked if I remembered that. I played that off as a connection and understanding about our energy and love for the land. 7 miles off trail there isn’t much more you can do to avoid the situation when you have 5 more hours to spend together. So when he finally came out and said it and tagged on a story about his ex who was 24 years younger and couldn’t handle the age gap, I ended up blathering on about my moms ex who was 15 years older and she couldn’t handle that gap. And then onto my negative experiences with men and how it affects me and thus I how at the moment I currently choosing me and avoiding men. He wasn’t asking me out or anything direct, just expressing an attraction. At the bottom of a 800ft climb. So I couldn’t reject him or shut him down. Especially when he talked more about being alone for 8 years and how hard it is. I didn’t want to hurt or upset him. But WHAT THE FUCK DUDE? You met me at AA. You aren’t a year sober yet. You are 28 years older than me. We are alone in the wilderness. You made no indication that your motivation for spending time together was romantic or sexual. And you spring this shit on me.

I had spent the day until that point being me. Freely, happy, confident. I wasn’t overthinking what I was saying. I wasn’t worried about how I came across. I wasn’t being defensive or protective. I was, I thought, with a friend I could relax with. But the more me I became, the more he liked me. My heart sank in that moment and I spent the rest of the hike back into the uncomfortable, blathering about things, over thinking, talking to fill silence, anxious, closed, protected state I am used to. I stuffed the thoughts and feelings related to this betrayal down and didn’t let myself think or dwell on it…till I got home. I had to drive him home, where he offered dinner and a shower and then invited me to a movie or something, some way to spend more time together. I awkwardly denied the dinner stating I was too tired. But as I had a good day I said I had enjoyed the time and non comitially agreed we should do something else some time. And then I drove off alone.

That is when the disappointment set in. Yesterday was meant to be an experiment for me to socialise in a pleasant way with someone with similar interests, to help me grow, to open me up. But instead it turned in to every single other experience I’ve had with men like this. I was and am so hurt that he couldn’t just see me for mea and just want to know me as a friend. That it had to inculde my looks and sex and attration and wanting something from me. All men want something from me. Its my fucking job to give men what they want from me. But at least in that dynamic they pay me. Other men I’m interested in only want the sex and not to know me at all. And the rest of all men just want me and want things from me with zero connection to reality about whether they are someone I would be interested in and can’t comprehend just being friends with me. I was and am angry at myself for putting myself in the situation in the first place. Stupid girl. I’m ready to quit AA and leave my favorite place in the world cause I feel so uncomfortable. I am disappointed and angry and sad at myself for how I handled the situation…AGAIN. Being nice, giggly, trying not to hurt his feelings, being gentle, leaving the door open and not being assertive or myself in any way. Feeling walked over. And so so so so so so so disappointed.

I had to have my mom call me from england at 4am her time to help me deal with this and not run away or fall into depression and anxiety, isolationism and anger. I have a VERY fragile mental health condition that is in early days of recovery. A mental illness that will kill me if one more person affects me the way others have in the past. So I am getting a lot of help and support at the moment. She helped me reign in my fear and desire to leave. She talked to me about “Fierce Conversations” and coming up with a plan for me to be able to reject men in a clear and firm way that sits much better with who I am personally and professionally. And we talked about how I can plan to deal with the situation with this man who is at every fucking AA meeting i NEED to go to. She stopped me escalating into the all the other problems that come from my interactions with men and acknowledged they are things we can address in the future. Allll the while, i was feeling guilty for feeling so bad about a sweet, old, sad, lonely man. The guilt and empathy fills me with sickness and sadness that is balanced out with anger, frustration, confusion, annoyance, and so much disappointment. But by the end of the conversation, I was feeling much less like throwing my life away to escape a man…again. 

However I am going to be avoiding AA for the next few days. I am going to a women’s meeting tonight where I am going to get an older female sponsor. I am going to be leaving town to park up out in the wilderness to escape all people while I recover for a few days. And more importantly than any of that, I am going to be saying No to anything with ALL men from now on.

Because of this straw, the camel’s back has been broken. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So after 30 years of trying to make it work with men, I give up. I quit. I’m out. Im done. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. 

The last month or so, my new motto has been “choose me”. I had already decided to avoid sexual interactions with men as that is a whole other can of worms on how that doesn’t work out for me and damages me every time. I had hoped that meant I could develop my non sexual relationships with men, people with whom I can do the activities I value. But that clearly just isn’t going to work. Men HAVE to be off the table. No men. Work on growing my connection to women and developing my skills at meeting women. Only women.

My job, that I love with all my soul is providing a service for men who are willing to make it a mutually beneficial situation. Those men respect me and my role. The dynamic is simple. And in my work I intentionally educate and inform men of the ways I see them acting or speaking in toxic or problematic ways. I reject and inform in a kind and fun way that I cannot do in real life. Online, at work, the dynamic with men is one I value and enjoy. So this part of my life I can throw myself into and spend all that real life man energy on. Interacting with men like this is actually choosing me. I get to be fully freely, happily, confidently me in that environment, and build my business and grow my income. But that is where my interaction with men will end. At work.

In real life, I will be saying No, assertively, in all situations involving men for a while. I dont want a random chat in the grocery store, I dont want to offer support in AA, I dont want to use dating apps, I dont want to fuck, I dont want a relationship, I dont want a male friend, I dont want to do activities, I dont want you to exist in my world, at all. I dont need men. Men universally let women down. They dont show up, they take advantage, they abuse, harrass, rape, ignore, fight, push boundaries and generally are out for what they can get of me. They do not add to my life. They steal my light and leave me broken on the floor.

Men don’t bring me any light or positivity. So for now I am off men. Its over. For now, I’m choosing me. 

 Edit to add: As I posted this I got a call, from my mechanic……asking to fucking camp with me this weeknend. YES. ALL MEN.

i cant take it any more

I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more.

I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its “real work”, not cause i want a job, not cause I’m forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time doing, Its what I want to do for the rest of my life. It is what makes me want to exist.

I am so sick of the narratives around sex work. I’m sick of hearing sex workers claim their right to “real work”. I’m sick of people who have no inkling of what it is like to sell sex, that it is oppressive and bad for people. I’m sick of people ignoring the massive mental health crisis that is emerging from the lack of intimacy in our lives. I’m sick of men shooting people cause they don’t have access to sexual services. I’m sick of sex being treated like a toxic thing. I’m sick of the culture shaming casual sex. I’m sick of….

What is This Sexuality….Female Dominance not FemDomme

I have been trying to define my current sexuality for some time now and the best I can come up with is that I have the sexuality of a man. I am striving for that big dick energy of a 40 something rich fat man, laying back, smoking a cigar, making young pretty things do what he wishes, twirl around on his dick and try their hardest to impress him and keep him happy…Dan Bilzarian…even though he isnt fat.

I have been struggling for quite some time with the concept of Female Domination, being a Domme, a Dominatrix, and FemDom. Im not sure when it happened, probably came from repeated interactions online at work, where I realised that the majority of men who want to be dominated, want the role of a dominatrix played out on them. The vast majority of FemDom porn and performers stick to the script. Dress a certain way, behave a certain way, act out certain behaviours and attitudes. Be mean, wear intense outfits, cause pain, humiliate him…all in the way HE wants. HE wants to be treated a certain way and he is making a woman do that to him. Yes the women “want” to domme in that way, cause that was BDSM is. But do they “want” to in the same way they “want” to wear make up or “want” to be empowereed in any of the other ways capitalism and the patriachy has scripted for us? Is the want from a lack of the concept that it could be something else than what already exists.

If you really semantically break down the concept of Female Domination, to me, logically it means where the woman gets to do what SHE wants with the male. Its not a set role, its not even your own interpretation of the available options to pick and mix from. It is letting the woman entirely decide what she wants to do with the male body in front of her. If we have a blank slate on the concept of female dominated sex we can make it what ever each of us wants it to be.

And to me, what I am calling my dominance, is that I get to treat men, like they treat women. I love objectifying them, womansplaining, manipulating them into pushing their boundaries, collecting beautiful conquests, making them try their damn hardest to impress me with their physicality and sexual ability, to use their bodies in ways that feels good for me and my body, even if they arent getting physical pleasure from it, I like to poke and prod and explore, tease and deny, take my time, savour the sensations I’m feeling, and all the while expect him to seem greatful for the sex I am giving him and be convincingly turned on and enjoying it, even if he isnt. I want him to just lay back and let me do most of the work, use the skills I have gained and honed and enjoy using over the 20 years I have been fucking. I like giving pleasure, but in ways I enjoy. I want the man to let the person with the most experience and knowledge on sex run the show, ME. I want them to follow orders I give cause I know best. My orgasm and pleasure comes first, and many many times before theirs is even thought about. I want to make them contribute to a reduction in the orgasm gap. I want the amount of orgasms I have to help re balance that average orgasm inequality for all women. I want them, like many women do, to lie back and let my sex happen onto them. I want to be soft and sensual and sexy, because its how I enjoy intimacy. Unlike many men who do all this with zero awareness of the dominant force their maleness has over all sex acts, I am consciously choosing this male behavior so they get to experience the subtle control and dominance most women have to submit to, even when they are Domming.

Men who want a Domme dont want a woman who does what she wants. They want to have the specific sexual experience that that currently defines. I get that many men and women are perfectly happy with the current manifestations of Female Dominance. But as I like to reconceptualise everything that has ever existed, my interest in reframing sex for women and with the unease with which I associated my sexuality with the traditional role of FemDom, I felt it nessersary to look into other options, ideas and concepts of how women could get pleasure from controlling the sexual situation.

Maybe there is already word or phrase that sums up my sexuality, but I feel like I havent seen a depiction or description of such a sexuality. I guess a close scenario would be more down the lines of sissification. But I dont need men to pretend to be women to treat them like they treat us. Once again that is a performance of a role. The man performing a insulting appropriation of gender and the woman treating him how he wants to be treated. I have seen a camgirl friends videos on pornhub where she is pegging men and does seem to be embodying a similar kind of dominance. A quiet, manipulative control. Maybe when women get to have dicks we embody more of that male dominant behaviour. There could be more examples of my type of control amongst pegging fans maybe. But there definately isnt a recognised term for female led sex that doesnt conjour up leather and whips. And I need that to change. Cause I exist.

I always used to joke that I was a gay man trapped in a womans body because of my sexuality. Even before I liked the kind of control I do now, I still objectified men and collected conquests and had a very open and casual attitude to promiscuity, kink and talking about sex, that I felt more akin to the way men interacted with sex. But I love dick so a gay man seems more fitting.

Because of my level of experience and knowledge on sex, I think all the sex I have should be led by me now. It doesnt have to be the most extreme version of me controlling someone. The basic assumptions about the sexual script we already have where the man is the one to define what happens when and at what pace needs to be ripped up as it is only half of the story. But to most it is the only way sex happens. It is a very subtle shift into understanding how to put down the male concept of sex and let the woman take on the responsibility of being the sexual conductor.

Maybe I need to break some of this down. For example, a man doesnt need to thrust his penis in and out of me. That is him controlling the sex act. Instead, let me use his dick like my toy. I can move around on it more than enough to create sensations I like and can use that dick to make my vagina feel good. Now he may not like a dick soak, or a slow grind, or you experimenting with angles and the subtleness of what the vagina can enjoy and feel may not stimulate the dick in the way they are used to stimulating their dicks. But that is the point. Vaginas normally just get pumped and prodded at cause it makes the dick feel good. They like in and out, friction, forward and back. They think this is what feels good for a woman too cause its the only conception of sex and the source of female sexual pleasure too. But what if that isnt what feels best for my vagina…and it doesnt. What if there are other ways the penis and vagina can interact that actually feel way better to me? That means the hundreds, nay, thousands of times men have used my vagina to make their dick feel good, I just have had to go along with it and make the best of it. Cause pumping the vagina is what sex is and that is all we have to work with. Right? Right? No. Wrong. Sex can be anything you want it to be. So how about women get to spend some time figuring out what they like, what feels good to their vagina, while the man just has to lay there and make the best of the sensations he is recieving. Its called give and take. In sex men give and women take it. No thanks. Not for me any more. There are certain sexual positions or intensity that need more help from the man and still feel good, and we can use our words to ask for it when we want it, not just recieve it when they want to give it, cause fucking a dead fish isnt fun. I dont want them just to starfish. Cause men know sex with women like that are bad. Good sex is reciprocated. But it should be the man mirroring and responding to what I give and do for a change rather than woman having to respond to what a man is giving. There is a ground between just lying back and “letting” someone use your prone body, and taking over and using someone else how you want.

More examples, I dont need you to push my head down to suck your dick. I’ll be pushing your head down when I want your mouth on me. I don’t need to taste myself on your dick or lips. I need to feed you your pre cum and make you taste yourself on me. We dont like the taste of cum any more than you do, but we take it for you. Now its your turn to take it for us. And if you refuse, think its “gay”, too kinky, gross, well then women should boycott ever having your sperm in them or on them again too. Cause we swallow and smile. Even if its fucking disgusting. Just think of all the “norms” expected of men and women during sex and flip them. I am not gonna spend hours primping and preening, getting rid of all my hair, dressing up in cute outfits and doing make up for a dude. Cause they dont do that for us. They may trim and shower. So that is what I will do. But I’m not gonna perform being a woman, I already am one. I dont need you to perform a fake masculinity and dont expect it. You are a man as you are. As I am woman. No more effort needed.

Every step of the male female interaction, look at it, and flip it. See how it sits. Why do men get to do things women can’t and vice versa? There are so many subtle ways in which men dominate women and women choose roles to please men in every part of sex. And I am ready to challenge them all. To experiment and see what happens. See what new possibilities and ideas it opens up. It goes back into my previous writing about matriarchal sex. We know nothing of the possibilities of sex. We know not what Female Dominated sex would be like. We only know the patriarchal scrips that have been refined and reduced to the limited options we have today. It is time for women to find out what their ideas of sex are, how they can enjoy and make the most of the male body and how to reject capitalist patriarchy and actually be empowered and dominant.

…told you about my list.

…told you about my list.

I have written about my list before, but here we are again. I remember sitting in class, age 15, with my girlfriends and we were trying to figure out how many people we had kissed. This was before I started going out, before I started partying. But not before I lost my virginity. In order to remember all the people I had kissed, I started a list. I don’t have my original list to hand, so I don’t know what number I was at when I started, but pretty soon after I started the list, I started going out. And the numbers grew exponentially. I got really into kissing as many boys as I could in a night. 10 was normal. One night I remember only kissing three boys and I was heartbroken. Age 16 I thought I had peaked. That one night with only 3 boys made me panic my glory days were over, I wouldn’t be able to kiss 10 in a night ever again, I was too old, past it. Alas it was not to be. I had barely even started. I dunno why I always wanted to kiss as many people as possible. But I did. I would just walk up to people and snog them. No chat, no knowing who they were or if they were single. Just walk up and kiss. One time I walked up to a group of boys, closed my eyes, span in a circle with my finger pointing in front of me and whichever I ended up pointing to was the lucky winner….who got a snog! After I started adding sex into these nights out, I would get very annoyed if a boy kissed me and then couldn’t hook up with me. We were all very young and often didnt have free houses or anywhere to go. I wasnt on such a mission with the sex from the start as I was with the kissing but by the time I got my first boyfriend at 16 he was number 9. I knew I had already fucked more men than the “average” woman does in a lifetime. And I didnt feel any different. With all the slut shaming that used to go on, and often still does, I expected to feel different for having a growing number of notches on my bedpost…but I didn’t. I was still weird and quirky, kind and loving, I didnt become “dirty” or changed in anyone’s eyes. I was always comfortable with having lots of partners. From that first day recalling my early kissing experiences till today, I have kept a list of sexual partners. As I grew more experienced, and had gotten to nearly 400 people, I stopped recording the kissing and the non penetrative sex…but I think most encounters from then were full sex. A kiss or a BJ in a alley just wasnt enough. If I kiss you I want to fuck you. I think I put my list into electronic format when I was at university when I made charts about my sex life. Now the list is just all the people I have fucked…that didnt pay me. I never included work sex on the list. Just recreational partners. Except the first two who paid me as I wanted to fuck them and just happened to get paid!

There was a time when I thought I had lost the list. Well not lost. An evil ex made me delete it. He made me choose him or the list. The list he was fine with when we first started dating. And the list he obsessed about. He couldnt understand why I wanted to remember them all….erm what? Why wouldnt you want to remember all the people you liked enough to fuck. All the fun situations you got into with those people. The people youve known. The poeple who have been inside you. Just because there has been a lot doesnt mean it isnt special and I dont want to remember it. Maybe some people who sleep with a lot of people regret their decisions and are ashamed. But I have never been. I have good taste, know good people, make good decisions and am very very happy with my collection of beautiful men and cute girls. Obviously not all the experiences were perfect. But they were all my choice. Ive always respected myself enough to sleep with people I am happy and often even proud to have shared some naked time with. But, I still had to delete the list. Even though it wouldnt delete my memory or what I had done. A few months after it was over, on a off chance, I checked my google drive trash….and there was the list. For no explainable reason (he would check all my accounts for shit and delete things off my social media), it was there. i had my list back. The record of my life. I was so happy and felt like i had gotten a part of my life back he stole from me. Since then the list has become even more treasured. I have multiple copies saved and I never ever will spend any time with any man who thinks i need to delete any part of my past.

I am now on number 399. The next one is gonna be 400. I havent had any sex in 7 weeks now and I am in pretty deep need of some physical contact. But as it is such a significant number I want it to be someone special. Finding someone good enough to fuck is getting harder and harder as my sexual and mental standards get higher and the effort required to find it just doesnt seem worth it at the moment. I cant be bothered to end up with anooothhheeerrr boring lay. A basic bitch or someone i need to train. I need someone on my level, a sexual connoisseur…or a celebrity. Ron Jeremy was number 300. A vocalist for a house artist was number 100….200 i forgot it was coming up and was just some dude in Vegas…but I was in Vegas for the Adult Entertainment Expo on a trip from Australia, soo its still a cool story! There is one dude I’ve been speaking to for 4, nearly 5 years now, who is a world champion at a thing. I’d love him to be my 400 but after all this time I dont see it happening in real life ever! I could go to Vegas soon if I wanted to find someone to make it worth it cause right now im in a really small town and everyone knows each other and options are limited. But can I wait a few more weeks?! I think unless a 10 happens to roll on through I might end up having to let this 400 be just a normal experience, then 500 can be the next special one. Its taken me 5 years to get my last 100 though. And the rate I’m going, it could be another 5-10 years. There was a time, with the evil ex (303), where I thought that would be my number for the rest of my life, so at least Ive got the ability to grow my list again. And if i ever end up with someone who might last in my life, hopefully they will be down to grow both our lists together. In a ideal world, with the right guy, the list could grow even faster.

I love my list. Not many people treat sex the way I do. To me its just a normal hobby. Nothing shameful. I like collecting beautiful and interesting people. I like all the wierd and wonderful ways Ive met and interacted with people. I dont just “let” random dudes bend me over and use me. These arent faceless encounters. A one night stand with me usually involves hours or days of sex, talking, bonding, cuddling, eating, sharing. Having sex with someone is like doing a activity, to me its the same as playing some kind of sport together, something to commit time to and practice together. But unlike sport, I am able to share love and intimacy openly and freely. I think being ethically promiscuous gives me deeper connections with most people I sleep with and means I can revel in the juiciness of giving love and relax into the sensations of intimacy. The love I have for my list is just a reflection of the love I have for the sex life I have created for myself. I am proud of what I have achieved and want to joyfully remember it all for the rest of my life…and without that list I wouldnt be able to write most of these stories!

Bad Day

the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing.

i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another.

so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too.

was able to finish tidying and get ready for work

why there is so much pain.

why there is so much pain.

I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for feeling se depressed and fucked up when my life isnt as bad as it is painful. everything is even more painful at the moment due to my isolation. i withdrew cause of trauma and hurt and repeated relationship failures and my bpd characteristics ruining relationships. but now im so far from reality and bpd has taken over so much, i dont feel capable of forming healthy relationships, or coping with them while they occur. all the evidence i have shows me that any relationships will end anyway. and when it ends it could hurt so bad and could ruin my life for over 5 years and i believe i would probably die if i got my heartbroken again. all this means im now too scared to interact with people. i have no confidence in myself with other people and no belief or trust in other people that they wont destroy my life. when the pain is bad at the moment,  i dont feel like i can survive life another day. every moment. every task. every second i have to keep doing things for myself, brings me closer to wanting to never do any of it again. i hate life. i hate what life is. what we have to do. what survival is. its shit for everyone. but at least most people have someone to help them. a physical person in their life they can have on going conversations with, a company to work for, family members nearby, someone or something to share the weight and responsibility of life with.  or they could just so conditioned/trapped/blind that they can actually be happy existing in their lives in this world, with a shit job and shit family and shit beliefs, caring about what they are told they should. but my whole life is about me. me surviving, on my own for me. work only for me. art only for me. activities only for me. living, only for me. and yes. that is the “point of all it”, we only have ourselves, our lives should be lived for ourselves, etc etc. but myself doesnt want to. i hate life. i dont want to do life for me. id rather i didnt. i want to find a way out. i need to find a way to survive outside the system that exists that is killing humanity.  i tried a way out on my own and it has driven me mad. i thought i had someone to forge our own path with. but that wasnt ever to be. i cant do it alone. as a solo female i am too vulnerable to do so much of what i want to. i am so limited by my physicality. i cant do things in public without being approached. i cant go out at night. and also you need someone to teach you dangerous or new shit. im not gonna go climb, or get on a dirt bike or ski out in the wild on my own for the first time. id probably die. im not enough. im not enough for me to live for. im not enough to enjoy life. im not enough to do the things i want to do. i dont care enough about my life. there is nothing i want. nothing i enjoy any more. nothing i can do on my own. ive kinda done it all anyway. ive done so much. i want a break. like i dont want to see new things for a bit. i have travel fatigue. ive dont everything on my own. i used to love it. but im over it. im tired. i need help. i want someone else to see me and my life and want to be a part of it. 

im so so so confused about who i am now. take away bpd and i dont exist. take away people and i dont exist. my personality was bpd traits. im anxious continously. always on edge. always worried. nervous. always on the verge of tears. and on the verge of a burst of rage. i think about how i wish i didnt exist all the time. i belive i cannot survive life. i dont want to survive life. i dont see it as possible. i dont want the moment to pass, the emotion to pass, this too shall pass. i am so sick of everything changing and passing all the time. it never stops. this too shall pass isnt a relief, its the cause of my pain. the constant unknow changing of everything i am, feel, think, do, want. i cant take it any more. and mindfulness, all i am really doing is ignoring the reality of how much i hate living. trick yourself moment by moment that everything is alright. like the dog in the middle of the fire meme. or mom saying the fire is lovely when it had gone out. the bigger picture isnt ok, and by saying right now is ok, you are missing that actually i cant stand existing. i dont like anything any more. and even if i do its only for the moment im doing it. my life is so only about the fucking moment that each moment has to be constantly doing shit, aware, doing the right thing. it never ends. you cant get to a point and take a break from it all, or be finished. life and all its crap and changes never ever stops. you always have to do dishes. you alwyas have to buy new shit. you always have to eat right and excersize. you always have to work. cause as soon as you stop it all goes away. uyou cant enjoy it. you just have to fucking do it all. non stop. forever. and i wont, cant, dont want to. i didnt sign up for this. its not fair. this isnt my choice. cool yeah everyone is inthe same boat, but for some reason i can see things most people cant and i cant do it. i cant bring myself to exist in this world. cause my probelms arent all internal. they are the real world too. every single thing about the whole planet is wrong. everything. everything is one stu[id decision on top of another, made by stupid, un informed, biased, men for control of the masses, power and money, over and over, till we have got to this hell we exist in today. where every single part of our lives is completly unnatural. we have never ever beeen so un human. and its shows everywhere. in mental health. physical health, adictions, gun crime, community, family, every single part of our lives is broken. as well as what we have done and are gonnna keep doing to the planet and to me how deeply entwined that is with how deeply i know we arent living as humans should. and i feel that pain on a daily basis. part of my suffereing is from not living int he way nature intended. and i now know, in my bones, soul, animal nature, instinct, what my body and soul needs and how the world should be for us all to be able to have that. and it kills me that i cant have it, wont ever have it, and most people cant even comprehend it. and do i really wanna get into the sex part of myself. everything i believe about the whole of sex, sex work, everything that exists around sex, is entirely ad odds with what our current reality is and i can see how far ahead of my time my thinking is. and i doubt the mainstream will ever catch up to my understanding of sex and intimacy and sex work. and how that all ties back into our natural human needs. this means i dont, cant and probably wont ever have the sexual and intimiate relationships i know i want and need. let alone knowing that i am abhorent to most people because of my beliefs. this knowledge about how my body needs touch and the intimacy it needs, the sexual relationships and kind of sex i need and know is natural makes my body, soul and mind ache and scream for what it can never have. my body hurts from not being interacted with how it should. i am living out of my time. and it is agony. i cant just learn to cope with my mental health. i have to learn to cope with being me in the world that currently exist. however if i am to ever do anything to be able to survive life, exist, share my ideas, knowledge, art and life, then i am going to need to be able to over come bpd in my relationships and learn how to have healthy ones. that means first i need to learn how to cope with my emotions, learn how to move past all the past trauma, hurt, mistrust and handle the real world and living in the world i hate. handle my ups and downs, the changes and flow of life. learn how to motivate my life, work and creativity, figure out who i actually am and who i am bringing to any future relationships and manage my depression and anxiety, before i can think about meeting people and beggining to relieve some of the agony that is coming from existing purly for myself when i dont want to.

This Is Americaaaaa

I wanted to write about lonliness but i just got so angry and hate every one that i dont think I can. I am at walmart for the night and this fucking cunt just parked next to me in this junk old rig and left their noisy ass engine running which then reminded me that the same junk ass looking rv woke me up at 5 o fucking clock the other day by having the same earth shaking, piece of shit engine running for half an hour. at 5 o fucking clock. how are people so fucking inconsiderate and ignorant.This whole country is just inconsideration and ignorance. I dont think i can stand it much longer. the people are so fucking awful it has ruined my whole life. its fucked up my mental health. i got abused. mulitple times. friendship over here is a joke. money goes out faster than it comes in and every single person over here is lying about what they are really like. the whole nation is blind to itself. ohhhh we are so caring and christian and friendly and kind. No they arent, They are the exact opposite. they would step on anyone in a second to get one over for themselves. Dont tread on me. Dont fuck me over cause im fucking you over. dont stop me being a ignorant cunt who steps on everyone else. freedom. americaaaa. yeah this isnt what real life is like. you know. in civilised countries. like england and basically the whole of europe. even the aussies arent as fucked up as americans. aussies are actually open and genuine. its not a front like in america. aussies dont have toxic masculinity. they are just masculine. americans are so fucking insecure that everything here is toxic. its such a trashy. selfish. ignorant, idividualitstic, me first, fuck everyone else society. even people with money are trash. this country doesnt even begin to understand the concept of class. or civility. manners. appropriate public behaviour. they are sooooo fucking glad they arent regulated and fight against it so hard when anyone tries, but this is what happens when you let a massive group of uneducated, primitive people do what they want. its a fucking shit show. everyone shitting on everyone else. America has sucked the life out of me. it has nearly killed me, cause im real and sensitive and i actually care about the general wellbeing of all human beings.i believe in our fundamental nature. and this is place is the opposite of all that. every part of life here denys the fundamental human nature. everyone is suppressed from birth so the people can be controlled, to be good workers, to fit into the machine designed to keep them in their place. take away all natural human need and pleasure and replace it with toxic, limiting, suppressing and unachievable things. and then they are told off for not being better. even if they are the most succesful people in the world. drag them down. and then wonder why they are all so empty, anxious, fat, miserable, sick, murderous, abusive, divided and unsatisfied. the whole culture, system, society, every part of american life is abusive. abused people abusing others cause thats is what they had to go through, so everyone else should too. that is why i am the way i am now. im so used to people fucking me over cause they have been fucked over, that i am doing it too. like as simple as that stupid shitty rv. they dont care about disrupting anyone else cause they have been disrupted by someone. so fucked everyone. its happend to me and i was mad, so im gonna do it cause clearly no one gives a fuck. and that is where i am getting to. i can do it in some ways. like im the crazy lady shouting at people in the store or the dmv. but i dont like intruding on other people with my music, the way i dress, where i park, everything about how i live. cause im british and you just dont do that. its rude and uncouth. and in england people dont aspire to be trash. like they do here. soooo fucking proud or being poor, undeducated, ignorant, shitty people. everyone fighting so fucking hard to soothe their egos. overly defending themselves cause subconciously they know how shit they are. everything is insecurity. toxic masuclinity. military pride. patriotism.rasicm, white trash,big houses, things, money, status. America is a teenage country in relation to the rest of the world and it basically is a teenage boy. a fat, ugly, dumb, ignorant, sheltered, fad obsessed teenage boy, that no girl likes. even the people who are “woke”, awakened, enlightened, spirtual. all that crap. they arent. they are still american. coded from birth. even if they break through some, or lots of that, they still live here and function in this country, there is no way they have broken through all their conditioning. and it shows. gotta dress a certain way. use certain language. perform your identity. in the certain way, that screammmmms un authenticy and no idea about what enlightenement or awareness is at all. gotta be part of the group. even if youre different. yall gotta be different together. ew. i realised that last night. that is why i dont have a group of friends, never have and never wanted one. i dont want to be with a group of peope who are all the same. its super cringy to me to be the same as other people. all dress the same, perform the same interests in the same way. its great to have one person like that. that is what i always want. but being in a big group where there are lots of them like that just never held apeal. 

ok now ive gone off the rant, vering towards lonliness. but its late and im tired so im gonna go to bed instead of writing that. at least i got some shit off my chest. and enjoyed free writing. so i can do that more. oh look now im writing about writing. every single thing i do becomes meta. eyeroll.

24th August 2019

its interesting that….i forgot. oh yeah. until i went to australia, i wasnt in to tanning or hanging out outside much, or the summer in general, but as soon as i got australia and wore the clothes and did it all i loved it and have chased the sun since

cam is pretty quiet. lots of site problems apparently. and end of pay period.

i need a new microphone. i might take back the webcam i have and try another one. it could be that. the old one wasnt like that. ill just get the better one.

…had to guess who 242 was.

…had to guess who 242 was.

Right. I am using a random number generator to pick numbers off my list to get me writing some of these up. As of today I am at 398. I have written about 60 of them. So that leaves around 338 to go! Plenty of writing to be done then!

So first number drawn is 242 : D 21st Bday Trip

Its a good start that I dont remeber the first one I have to do. I have tried to do some digging, looking at pictures from that day and seeing who else I fucked around that time. 2 days later I had another 21st Bday Trip. I am not entirely sure, they might have been from the same group, or it was just a coincidence. It was in a town where lots of groups of lads would come for vacations, so there were always lots of boys on trips! It was also peak footy trip season, where all the local AFL and NFL teams come to party for the end of season. Sometimes the town would be full of them, all the hostels and hotels. It was a dream time with many more stories to write, I remember the name of the 242 and I know there were a few boys around that time I felt very fondly towards! Not for more than the night. But still, i have good memories of memories of them! At the time I was working in the strip club in town and would work Thursday night, to get them all on their first night in town, make some fall in love with a stripper,  find some cute ones and tell them I’d be free the next night. Then I would have Friday night to go out and party and find any of the boys I wanted to or just peruse the bars and clubs to find some one, or many, for that night. I’d also tell all the boys I spoke to that I worked at the strip club and they should come find me the next night. Then I’d work Saturday for prime time, sometimes I’d see boys from the night before, and it would always be busy. It was a small club with not many girls working so it was a lot of fun. Same thing would happen that night, make a few fall in love with a stripper, plan to meet up with any if they were particularly hot, and let them know I had the next night off. Sometimes I’d go back and party with a group I’d met at the club, for money or for fun. I had gangbangs, topless waitressing, good sex with hotties and nights in hot tubs after work, even thought it was against the rules. It did however, ultimately get me fired. But that is a story for a different number. Anyway, I was out for a good time at that time and totally used my position as a stripper to get me more sex, and my love of men would get me more money! Sunday was always the best night. I loved the Sundays, last night before they all leave. They start early and get as drunk as possible. Less sex was had on sundays but lots of hilarious boy group antics were shared in. Oh apart from the footy team I fucked in this story, that was a Sunday!

So 242, who was he, where did I meet him, where did we have sex, how was the sex? I had been sober for over 4 years at the time so that isnt why I cant remember a lot of these boys, its purely a numbers game. Too many, too long ago. He was one of 14 that month and young, hot, drunk, Aussies all kind of blend into one after a while. It was also gangbang season. More excuses for poor 242. I have pictures of the guy I fucked and pictures of me lying by the pool where all the footy trips stayed the next day, and ones of me and the chick I went out with the night of 242, but between them, nothing. However. To feel sexy and confident enough to strut around the pool filled with large groups of boys, meant it must have been a pretty successful encounter the night before. I wrote diaries when I was in Australia but right now they are back in England as I had to get my mom to hide them from a ex for me, but in order to fill in some more of my blanks Im gonna have to get them over here real soon! Until then 242, on 12th October 2012, Thank you!

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