Evolving Humanimal

why there is so much pain.

I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for feeling se depressed and fucked up when my life isnt as bad as it is painful. everything is even more painful at the moment due to my isolation. i withdrew cause of trauma and hurt and repeated relationship failures and my bpd characteristics ruining relationships. but now im so far from reality and bpd has taken over so much, i dont feel capable of forming healthy relationships, or coping with them while they occur. all the evidence i have shows me that any relationships will end anyway. and when it ends it could hurt so bad and could ruin my life for over 5 years and i believe i would probably die if i got my heartbroken again. all this means im now too scared to interact with people. i have no confidence in myself with other people and no belief or trust in other people that they wont destroy my life. when the pain is bad at the moment,  i dont feel like i can survive life another day. every moment. every task. every second i have to keep doing things for myself, brings me closer to wanting to never do any of it again. i hate life. i hate what life is. what we have to do. what survival is. its shit for everyone. but at least most people have someone to help them. a physical person in their life they can have on going conversations with, a company to work for, family members nearby, someone or something to share the weight and responsibility of life with.  or they could just so conditioned/trapped/blind that they can actually be happy existing in their lives in this world, with a shit job and shit family and shit beliefs, caring about what they are told they should. but my whole life is about me. me surviving, on my own for me. work only for me. art only for me. activities only for me. living, only for me. and yes. that is the “point of all it”, we only have ourselves, our lives should be lived for ourselves, etc etc. but myself doesnt want to. i hate life. i dont want to do life for me. id rather i didnt. i want to find a way out. i need to find a way to survive outside the system that exists that is killing humanity.  i tried a way out on my own and it has driven me mad. i thought i had someone to forge our own path with. but that wasnt ever to be. i cant do it alone. as a solo female i am too vulnerable to do so much of what i want to. i am so limited by my physicality. i cant do things in public without being approached. i cant go out at night. and also you need someone to teach you dangerous or new shit. im not gonna go climb, or get on a dirt bike or ski out in the wild on my own for the first time. id probably die. im not enough. im not enough for me to live for. im not enough to enjoy life. im not enough to do the things i want to do. i dont care enough about my life. there is nothing i want. nothing i enjoy any more. nothing i can do on my own. ive kinda done it all anyway. ive done so much. i want a break. like i dont want to see new things for a bit. i have travel fatigue. ive dont everything on my own. i used to love it. but im over it. im tired. i need help. i want someone else to see me and my life and want to be a part of it. 

im so so so confused about who i am now. take away bpd and i dont exist. take away people and i dont exist. my personality was bpd traits. im anxious continously. always on edge. always worried. nervous. always on the verge of tears. and on the verge of a burst of rage. i think about how i wish i didnt exist all the time. i belive i cannot survive life. i dont want to survive life. i dont see it as possible. i dont want the moment to pass, the emotion to pass, this too shall pass. i am so sick of everything changing and passing all the time. it never stops. this too shall pass isnt a relief, its the cause of my pain. the constant unknow changing of everything i am, feel, think, do, want. i cant take it any more. and mindfulness, all i am really doing is ignoring the reality of how much i hate living. trick yourself moment by moment that everything is alright. like the dog in the middle of the fire meme. or mom saying the fire is lovely when it had gone out. the bigger picture isnt ok, and by saying right now is ok, you are missing that actually i cant stand existing. i dont like anything any more. and even if i do its only for the moment im doing it. my life is so only about the fucking moment that each moment has to be constantly doing shit, aware, doing the right thing. it never ends. you cant get to a point and take a break from it all, or be finished. life and all its crap and changes never ever stops. you always have to do dishes. you alwyas have to buy new shit. you always have to eat right and excersize. you always have to work. cause as soon as you stop it all goes away. uyou cant enjoy it. you just have to fucking do it all. non stop. forever. and i wont, cant, dont want to. i didnt sign up for this. its not fair. this isnt my choice. cool yeah everyone is inthe same boat, but for some reason i can see things most people cant and i cant do it. i cant bring myself to exist in this world. cause my probelms arent all internal. they are the real world too. every single thing about the whole planet is wrong. everything. everything is one stu[id decision on top of another, made by stupid, un informed, biased, men for control of the masses, power and money, over and over, till we have got to this hell we exist in today. where every single part of our lives is completly unnatural. we have never ever beeen so un human. and its shows everywhere. in mental health. physical health, adictions, gun crime, community, family, every single part of our lives is broken. as well as what we have done and are gonnna keep doing to the planet and to me how deeply entwined that is with how deeply i know we arent living as humans should. and i feel that pain on a daily basis. part of my suffereing is from not living int he way nature intended. and i now know, in my bones, soul, animal nature, instinct, what my body and soul needs and how the world should be for us all to be able to have that. and it kills me that i cant have it, wont ever have it, and most people cant even comprehend it. and do i really wanna get into the sex part of myself. everything i believe about the whole of sex, sex work, everything that exists around sex, is entirely ad odds with what our current reality is and i can see how far ahead of my time my thinking is. and i doubt the mainstream will ever catch up to my understanding of sex and intimacy and sex work. and how that all ties back into our natural human needs. this means i dont, cant and probably wont ever have the sexual and intimiate relationships i know i want and need. let alone knowing that i am abhorent to most people because of my beliefs. this knowledge about how my body needs touch and the intimacy it needs, the sexual relationships and kind of sex i need and know is natural makes my body, soul and mind ache and scream for what it can never have. my body hurts from not being interacted with how it should. i am living out of my time. and it is agony. i cant just learn to cope with my mental health. i have to learn to cope with being me in the world that currently exist. however if i am to ever do anything to be able to survive life, exist, share my ideas, knowledge, art and life, then i am going to need to be able to over come bpd in my relationships and learn how to have healthy ones. that means first i need to learn how to cope with my emotions, learn how to move past all the past trauma, hurt, mistrust and handle the real world and living in the world i hate. handle my ups and downs, the changes and flow of life. learn how to motivate my life, work and creativity, figure out who i actually am and who i am bringing to any future relationships and manage my depression and anxiety, before i can think about meeting people and beggining to relieve some of the agony that is coming from existing purly for myself when i dont want to.

im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health issues. i didnt know how i would feel from one minute to the next, let alone, days or weeks away. i didnt know why i was feeling the way i was, or if it would ever stop or go away. i could barely exist for almost three years. id have days where i would feel like a normal person, happy, optimistic, id make plans, id feel like i knew who i was somewhat, in that moment. but then out of nowhere i could end up in bed, hysterically crying, panicking and really not knowing if id make it through the next 30 minutes. i felt like a spaceman whos line had been cut and was drifting into the nothingness of space, disconnected from reality and slipping further and further away.

i dont want to cut a long story short, but my journey out of that isnt the point right now, so i will just say that over the past year with many daily hours of deep work on myself, the fear, uncertainty and unfamiliarity with myself has faded. i didnt think id ever be able to just be me and be happy. i didnt think id ever know who i was or why i was the way i was. so the understandings of myself, who i am, what i want in life, what i believe of life and how i am choosing to live it, that i am having now, are even more exciting and important to me than they could ever have been. i was mentally and emotionally at rock bottom. i used to be so sure of myself, so passionate, so me. not only does the fact that ive come so far embolden me, but the fact that what has emerged as my passions, beliefs, interests, morals, future plans and vision of my future, all line up with and are richer more developed versions of where i was 4 years ago. maybe i needed to be knocked down in order to learn the strength of my passion and belief in my life path. it is not a easy one and i am going to have to be strong. but it sure is exciting for me at the moment. it is even more important for me to be true to myself, now i have a deeper understanding of, and connection to, who i am and how to keep developing myself.