Autobiography

Well it has been a long time since Ive written and a lot has developed for me. I think its worth pointing out that I have spent the last 3 years working with multiple therapist for my mental health and working on fixing postural issues and trauma encoded in my body. During this process I have been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. I relate heavily to the diagnosis of Asperger’s even though we arent supposed to call it that anymore. But it matters to me. Asperger’s is a very certain type of Autism that is mostly associated with men, and male genius, and male behavior that is actually normalized by society, where as a woman with Asperger’s is the opposite of what society says a woman should be. So in terms of people understanding me clearly, I think it important to identify with something that is typically considered male. 

This has also been my journey with sexual devolopment. Taking on the role, attitude, performance or male sexuality in order to highlight how contradictory our male and female sexual narratives are.

Where I was at when I last wrote about this, was a place of burden. I knew sex was wrong. I knew the sex I had been having wasnt what I wanted. I had thought of how it might be different and with this knowledge I tried to have the sex I wanted by doing all the work. I would make them lay back while I indulged in their bodies for hours, and got a 5 min of standard foreplay in return. Ive helped men explore their interest in strap on and anal play, and got nothing in return. My pleasure was received by doing things I wanted to, even if it wasnt directly pleasurable for me. Pleasuring in a way that was heading towards something different in the hopes that they would mirror back to me an exploration and adventure into my body. It never happened. Never once.

The straw that broke the camels back was my last fuck buddy/boyf. I discolsed all my mental and physical needs, and yet within a matter of weeks, sex became a function for him to have an orgasm. A few minutes of pumping in the morning before he went to work. Me waking him up with a prostate massage, and him cumming and leaving. Spending hours giving pleasure, only to be touched with fear, uncertainty and disgust, in return. Fucking his ass, the thing that drew me to him the most, his sexy, sultry moves, sensuality and moans, all dissapeared into the function of him getting his the way he wanted. And after he would cum I would be left again, unattended to. All this made me feel sick to my stomach. His relationship skill was as retarted and selfish as his sexuality. So I cut him out of my life and didnt look back. Luckily it only took a couple of months to get rid of this weight dragging me down.

Since then I have prioritised me. I couldnt improve mentally or physically with toxic men leaching off me. So I made a conscious decision, with the assistance of the pandemic, to remain celebate until all the problems dick has caused me, have been resolved. As a single woman I am the queen of the world, unstoppable force of creativity and adventure. With a man around I am sick, tired, broken, weak, unable to get out of bed and intensely depressed. Welcome to another factor of being a Aspie. This time has lead me to realized how much I thrive and do when Im entirely alone and how bad other people make me feel. Instead of lowering myself to find men I could get a tiny bit of physical connection and reality from by giving everything and getting nothing, I decided to pour all that attention onto myself. Onto me as a sexual woman. Onto me who already gives a large part of myself and sexuality away proffessionally. I found I also do wayyy better on cam when I am single. All that sexaul desire gets funneled into work space where I can truly indulge in a kind of cyber sexual reaality where I get some of my needs met by working. I never found the right kind of men to play with in the real world. But online there are thousands who like the same shit as me. They arent worthy of me in real life, but getting paid to share my sexual reality is also my kink, so I get off.

Anyway. Work had been a reflection of the burden of good sex I was carrying. I was not there to be penetrated or used for a mans pleasure. They are my toys to use as I please. But the longer this went on, the more it felt like the last relationship, where the dynamic moved from my enjoyment to their using me for their pleasure. I was doing a lotttt of work in pegging shows, in shows where I lead. The man, just laying back, being given pleasure by an expert. That didnt feel like I was dominant, or alpha or in control. It felt like the games men play to get women to do things they think they want to but is ultimately for the mans pleasure (see lib feminism “twerking for daddy” isnt liberation, neither is waxing, or makeup or bdsm).

Some time in the last few months, I decided to put my resentment for men down. I consciously chose to rewrite the narrative I had of my relationship with men. I have many different narratives of my life or elements of myself, depending on what angle, mood, day, etc, one looks at me from. i.e. All men have abused me and used me, Im sick of giving anything to them.. What is also true is I fucked every hot dude I wanted, I love collecting sexual experiences and I love dick. A great realization in this process is “I love the male human animal, but I hate how he is domesticated and socialized in every part of this planet.”

I love the physical reality of men.

The physical reality of existence is where I am focused on living. Reality, not opinion, thoughts or feelings. But what is physically present in my presence. How my body feels in that reality. How bodies could interact when all there is is physical reality. If two or more bodies were present in the void, how would they want to interact. No narratives, no history, no baggage, no morals, no norms, no domestication.

This is where my idea for the man laying back while I spend hours exploring him came from. The naive, curious exploration of a new landscape you have no pre existing assumption or expectations of. This would be a beautiful experience if it is mutual. But for me it never has been. Even in the last relationship where my understanding was explained, the conditioning of the male sexual narrative was so strong that it automatically took over. 

With work I have been able to continue along this line of inquiry about what I really want from female led sex. What really is female dominance or sexuality? What do I really want when I let go of all programming and the consideration of male pleasure.

Another useful starting point for me has been the awareness that a man will cum no matter what. Why do we need to do things to the penis that is about speeding up the male orgasm? Anything that speeds up a mans pleasure, reduces a womans. The woman doesnt need to worry about stimulating the male at all. His pleasure is so easily accessed that he need only focus on the woman and not himself. 

Being fully present sexually is to be fully engrossed with what is in front of you. Not to be lost in your own brain. Your pleasure comes from being aware of the present. That includes the external body you are focused on as well as the sensations in your own body…but NOT the thoughts, feelings and opinion of what is happening. No mind. Only body. 

I think my previous writings also came from a time of black and white thinking. When I decided what sex shouldnt be, I limited what sex could be. My own trauma and narratives on men limited me accessing a very important part of me, my hyper sexiality. Sex had become more one dimensional as there was only to be; enlightened, curious, slow sex. But that contradicted one of my fundamental understandings of the nature of female sexuality, our cyclical nature.

As I opened back up to accepting I like the male human animal, I started remembering how much I like 3somes, gangbangs and as much dick as possible. I started being more flexible with wanting a variety of things through my monthly cycle. At work I noticed there were times where it was really easy to be hypersexual, others where I just wanted to be mean, others where I wanted to be soft and sweet, other times I just didnt even feel horny for a week. If I accepted the male human gave me great pleasure in many ways, I would be able to drop into these different phases with enjoyment, as all valid, real parts of me. And parts that arent interchangeable. If a client saw me on a soft open day but came back in the mean phase, I cannot perform the sexuality of different phase. This is the acceptance of sexual reality, I stopeed fighting it. Stopped trying to be one dimensional. Stopped being so protective over my physicality.

From my research and interpretation, I believe the human race is a socio-sexual species. Intimacy was our main form of communication and was the core of our survival. The range of intimacy that would be possible among a group of wild humans would be impossible for most modern humans to imagine. The repertoire of touch and its meanings have been lost. But by indulging inthe cyclical nature of female sexuality there is a chance of reclaiming some.

So let me get specific about what Ive discovered about what my body wants. 

Gangbangs. In my informed opinion, humans are a sperm competiotion speciea and not a species that competes physically for one woman. When a woman is at the height of ovulation one is wildly horny. For me persoanlly its a raging drive for as much cock as possible. It makes me think that is how men must feel all the time. It can be all consuming. The hunt for dick and the desire for many. As a sexually liberated woman, I have allowed myself to get these needs met many times in my life. I hae not denied or pusehd down my sexaul reality. When I wanted lots of cock, I got it. 10 at once is my most. And 12 total that night. And before I went out I said it was going to happen, I needed it. 

This ovulatory desire for multiple dicks makes total sense when you realized we are a sperm competition species, along with the understanding of sexual vocalisation. The woman moans and vocalises to attract more men to the scene. 

As sex would have been used as socialising, most sex/intimacy was out side of the ovulatory period. Men are always horny as womens cycles arent uniform. Men must be ready to group sex whenever a woman is ovulaing. All males in the group need to be ready for each woman. Thus mens more consistent sex drive. It is not cause the male of the species need more sex, it is that they need to be ready for when the women want it their way.

I would imagine womens cycles dont sync up so that all roles get filled in the group. Each part of the female cycle brings different strengths and weaknesses that would help each other and balance out.

Non reproductive sex would have been the relaxed, elongated, curious, lazy exploration of each others bodies. Here, instead of the man laying back while the woman explores, the man would have the same self control and curiosity of the woman. A great example of this play would be sliding a penis against a pussy, teasing with the tip, enjoying the feel of the shaft on the clit, the pressure against different parts. When I have done this while leading, on top, hands free, just enjoying the tease of wiggling on a cock, the man ALWAYS reaches down to “help” me get it inside. ERMMM no. I wasnt trying to get it in. I was enjoying the reality of how that felt. The more I tease the outside like that, the easier I cum. Given men can cum from a few pumps, why not let the woman build herself up in her way using a cock, so when she finally decides she wants it, she really actually does, and orgasm is accesible! 

I cant comprehend how sex it would be for me to be laying back while a man teases me with his cock for MY pleasure. He isnt trying to make his cock feel good. He isnt a weak willed little bitch who has to get it in the hole as soon as possible. And like SO MANY men Ive fucked, doesnt use the excuse “I just couldnt help myself.” I cant imagine being able to trust a man to not penetrate me when he wants. And that fucking turns my stomach. But back to the fantasy of the wild hu-man. A man having self imposed self control is so fucking hot.

I am getting super over chastity and domme stuff cause of this. You shouldnt need a fucking cage not to be a gross perv. You should exercise self control. Learn how to NOT get a boner when youre turned on. Learn how to not want to pump your cock as fast as possible. Learn that cumming isnt the destination. Learn real self control. Women go into sex hoping they might cum. Men go into sex expecting to cum. This needs to change.

One time I went on a date with 45 year old film maker who only drank natural spring water and did reiki and was vegan. At his, he offered me a reiki session. I was clearly going through a hard time and he was intelligent and intuitive. He told me to relax and that he wouldnt stop till I said so. He covered me in blankets so I was warm and comfortable and for three hours he gently touched my body in entirely non sexual ways. That is the only experience Ive had where a man has done what he said and completely listened to me to the point that I could relax in his hands in the moment. I didnt need to be on guard to make sure my boundaries were crossed or my trauma triggered. 

Previous partners would be uncomfortable, disgusted or scared by the changeable nature of my body and triggers.Their inability to change, be flexible and be open to a different experience each time is another reason no one deserves access to my body. If you arent willing to learn my cyclicality, you definately dont get to use my for your one dimensional sexuality. One day I might love having my neck kissed, the next it might send me into a breakdown. That is not something that I need to worry about hurting a mans EGO! My physical reality in the moment changes. If a man was present in the physical reality of the moment, he would be able to read and adapt. But if there is mind present, ego present, than it will cause a reaction in him which increases my trauma. Dont be angry or frustrated that I dont like something today I did yesterday. Be excited it can be different today than yesterday!!!!!

I ran out of energy for the awfulness of my experiences. Ill come back to it in another new piece.