I want Sex. I can’t find any. I am talking to a fewwww guys on tinder and bumble but nothing is jumping out at me. No one I can really be bothered to have a conversation with, let alone suggesting a swinging from the rafters type session with! I get frustrated at times like this. Cause it should be easy but it’s not! I wish I could approach someone in public if I wanted them. I have giant balls. But not when it comes to approaching men. I’d love to walk into Walmart (I’m parked here, it’s not part of the fantasy) and see a hot guy and just tell him I wanted him to come back to the bus and fuck me. I guess I’ve done it in nightclubs and pubs a lot. Just never in daylight! And not for a very long time. Also. I’m bussy now. Hairy and smelly. It doesn’t lend itself to spontaneity! But I need Sex. Asap. And I also really need some interesting sex asap. I want a hotel gangbang. I might have to try and arrange something for San Fran. I’m going to do laundry and get on the computer and figure things out.
20th November
I’ve had quite a quiet few days. I spent a lovely 24 hours with Sarah from friday afternoon. We had a hike around a park, got me some free maps, made dinner and watched Grimm. I parked up at hers too and spent the night in the bus there. We hung out more the next day too, Saturday morning. She cooked me French Toast which was delicious. We got on so well. I have no older female friends. And barely ever get to spend time with normal women. Well Sarah isnt normal! She is fantastic. We connected a lot about how we cope in the world and how we try to survive. I always believe i meet the right people at the right time and vice versa. I think we have both come away with alot to think about and a renewed confidence in the path we are taking with our lifes at the moment and the personal skills we are working on. I love connecting to open people through/on the simililarities in things you dont think anyone else experiences. When your crazy matches. It makes me feel a bit less crazy and a bit more valid.
After a week working on my new website and a day with my new friend I needed a couple of days off. I went back to the park Sarah took me to as its free at the moment and just parked up and watched Grimm. I didnt even go for a walk. When the park closed I parked up at some institute, thought it was like a college maybe, and settled in for the night. Around midn
Trying To Start
Argh I have stuff to do but i just need to write. i feel so good. yes. im pretty high but i have been having a lot of ideas, or thoughts this morning. i listened to a podcast about feminism and hear about Catherine Hakim and Economic Capital. She is everything I would say…..
…..I was trying to start writing about a feminist podcast that id been listening to and each time i re read it i needed to change it. i couldnt get it write. i cant get what i think in my head to make clear sense on the page. to a third person. that is what being good at writing must be. I cant communicate my ideas very well at all, but I can tell stories. Also formulating my own feminist theory isnt something I can probably bust out in half an hour in starbucks. so for now. I will only write about what i can comfortably enjoy re reading.
I felt like i had a million things to write when i came in and sat down, but trying to formulate that has left me much clearer headed. and less high. I think high time is ideas time and i need less thoughts when i write. all i did yesterday was sit in starbucks and build the website. it felt great. i was tired at the end of the day.
im supposed to be meeting someone here from tinder later, but ive already decided i dont want to. i missed that he had one of those faces that looks good in photos but not so much when its moving. its a thing. ive learnt to pick them out normally, but this conversation escalated to coffee invite before i got to fully check it out. Worst case though I talk to someone for an hour our so. I forget that most people dont expect immediate sex from a first meet! I think its cause more normal people are doing internet dating now, rather than it just being sex or marriage obsessed people, like it was 5 – 10 years ago. Im trying to remember now when my first online date was, when did I discover it. I might have to check my list. Ok. 30th June 2010. Tim. I remember him. We might even still be friends on Facebook. Plentlyoffish.com. My first tinder was 26th November 2013. Taylor. He was and is amazing. And I cant believe how many people i fucked in real life meeting!!!!! Out of my first 300, only FIFTEEN of them were off the internet! I literally cant believe it. But 30ish out of the last 45ish since my first tinder are off the internet. So the ratio of real life to internet changed dramatically! Ah the partying days. The Australia years. Ok. Work time.
November 15th
I didnt finish the last time I was writing. That wasnt even all of that day. I ended up going 40 miles south after to meet another guy. But he turned out to know how to take a good photo better than be a person i could stand being around. I just couldnt see how i saw what i did in the photos when I saw him in real life. A total let down. He was acting, and talking, exactly like an ex who did meth and heroin. He had no respect for my bus and was just so on edge. Within 15 minutes of meeting him I had to tell him I was too uncomfortable with him to carry on and had to take him back home. He was a bit better on the drive back but damn I was relieved to get him out my bus. So I drove to McDonalds and watched some TV and enjoyed my night alone.
Monday morning I drove down to Santa Rosa to get some cheap weed to keep me going a while and I started this. Then went for a drive around the area where the wildfires burnt all the homes, unintentionally, on the way to the park. It was devastating. Then I had a nice walk around the park and a dance up on a platform with a nice view. I went to AT&T to get my phone working again and good internet. I ate a early dinner at Chipotle and went and parked in the suburbs behind the main street for the night.
Tuesday was my 3 year wedding anniversary. Ive been divorced 1 year and 5 months. And I was in a great mood. Not because of that, but luckily I suppose, cause today isnt as perky. I didn’t have any grand plans. I came to Starbucks and did a broadcast on Live.Me. Made nothing. I did write up my resume though for the project/life experiment. Im feeling really good getting things down for once. I have to keep pushing. Just open the computer and do this. Then I ended up speaking to mom and dad for a few hours. I went for a walk in the park again and met a lovely lady while I was hanging upside down on exercise equipment. We just kept chatting away and I told her about the project and she told me its what her sister does and its called Abundance Exchange. I have googled it but cant find anything about a movement or a website, but that term is very good. It might help communicate my idea. I took her number and said we should do a walk around the park together in a few days and she was very happy. Its raining today so I am going to call her tomorrow morning or tonight and see if she fancies a walk tomorrow. I treated myself to a Panda Express dinner and a night of Grimm and joints. I talked to a couple of dead ends on Tinder and went to bed way too late.
Not feeling as bright today, so I put on some make up and have come to Starbucks to do some writing. Of course within being here 5 minutes the foreign guy sitting behind me just has to get up and hit on me. And then come back and talk again, and again, in increasingly more awkward exchange. So now I cant do live.me cause he is sat behind be and i cant really stop writing or look around for fear he is going to come talk to me.
There are a few matches on Tinder that I could potentially meet up with here but nothing is grabbing me yet. Its raining today so no hiking either. I plan to get some form of my project constructed today. Or at least started.
Task based personal assistant.
I live in a small bus, on my own. I love the independent life. But sometimes you just need another person. Whether it is for company, an extra pair of hands on a task, doing something you can’t or don’t like to do, taking care of things you dont have time for or even someone to just accompany you when you dont want to go somewhere alone, an extra person can make all the difference.
I am that extra person. I have a ridiculously varied and unusual resume, which should help give you an idea of what skills and experience I have, and also have started a list of ideas for the different kinds of personal assistance you didnt even know you needed or could get!
Ideas
There is the long list of normal tasks like cooking, cleaning, laundry and errands and the specific services I can provide based on my resume, that you might already have thought of, so here are some more outside the box options and why you might need me:
– Going on a walk – if you dont like hiking alone, have never been or dont know where to go, if you have kids and need an adult on the daily walk with you for once, if you are elderly or disabled and need someone to get out the house with, if you want to walk slowly in silence or if you want someone to talk your worries away with while we get your heart rate up. I walk everyday and the more we can all walk the better we will be.
– Vacation/travel planning – searching all the options for flights, co ordinating a vacation, road trip or buisness travel, comparing hotels, finding the best deals, which combo goes with what, how will you get where when?! Ive travelled around the globe 7 times in mile in flight, and have been travelling/on vacation for 7 years. Ive stayed at top of the range resorts and travelled out of a backpack on a budget, and booked and planned it all myself. I have lots of tips and tricks and can even write up a tour itineray for the most wary first time traveller.
– Plus One – I know as a solo woman travelling, that there are somethings that are more fun to do with someone else and others you just feel plain silly doing alone. Even in your home town, your friends and family may be busy or more likely, not into the same things as you. Do you have a hankering to wander the Botanical Gardens with someone and talk about plants, or feel self concious going to the movies alone, is there a band playing or a club night you want to go to and dance the night away but no one else is up for partying any more, is there a restaurant you havent been to cause you dont like eating alone, do you love pool or bowling and dont have a play pal, do you have a passion for a sport no one will watch with you? I’ve been in all those situatuions, and now I can be that extra body for you. You dont have to worry about compromising on what you want to do to keep the other person happy, I’m here to enable you to do whatever activities you would like, your way.
– Party Hostess – when you host your own parties you end up being the person running around, topping up drinks, cleaning up spills, getting more ice, running the grill, and generally not enjoying the event as much as your guests. With years of experience hostessing, waitressing and entertaining I can blend into the background of your event while making sure all the guest, including yourself are catered for and your property kept clean and organised. I’ll be the party mom, making sure any problems are solved and helping keep the fun going smoothly.
– DIY – I’m not qualified, I’m not trained but I have fixed enough of my own stuff over the years to know how to help you fix yours. If you just need a quick fix, some furniture built out of re claimed wood, some simple diy you dont want to pay a pro for, a flat pack piece of furniture to assemble, if you are just useless with that stuff or just dont have the time to get things finished, I can probably help!
– Copywriter/Editor – I read and write! I have been the copy editor on a few published educational resources, I was the art editor for a national magazine for a few months, I wrote press releases and promo material for bands, DJ, clubs and artists over the years, some of which made it to national publications. If you need help writing or proof reading something from your college admissions essay to your autobiograpy, a bit of blurb for a website, a product, a band, a press release for a new store or event, or just re doing your Tinder bio, I can handle it.
Jobs Ive Done
Resume
Waitress
Bar Staff
Bar Back
Runner
Cleaning
Silver Service Waitress
Shot Girl
Webcam Performer
Amature Adult video production
Stripping
Topless Waitress
Topless fishing
Massage
Private Dancing
Podium Dancing
Escort
Sugar Baby
Legal Prostitution
Tour Manager
Personal Assistant
Merchandise Seller
Club Promoter
DJ
Office Manager
Bookkeeping
Tax Preparer
Shop Assistant
Cashier
Record Label Intern
Artist
Writer
Graphic Design
Logo Design
Album/EP Artwork
Flyer/Poster Artwork/Design
Social Media Manager
Flyer Distribution and Team Manager
Website Design
Marijuana Grower
Marijuana Trimmer
Cook
Elderly Care
Live in Carer
Model
Copy Editor
Call Center Operator
PR
Marketing
Photographer
Art Director
Music Video Production Assistant
Stage Manager
Artist Liaison
Fruit Picking
Nanny
Live Broadcasting
…nearly missed a 10
The last day or so has been eventful. I was in bed on Saturday night, about 10.30, gettin high, relaxing and tindering when i found this amazingly hot dude who had too many pics with his kids. normally that is a automatic swipe left but this dude was just too hot….and he also looked a little too much like a older Tyler, so i swiped right. we matched. and pretty much straight away he messaged saying he thought we were meant to hang out. then i realized it was a guy id matched with like a month ago and spoke to a little on snap but i wasnt sure, he only had one pic and looked a bit rough. but it turns out i was wrong. he was stunning. so almost immediately i took the bus from my cosy spot in the walmart parking lot, over to his house. it was decked out in kids stuff, but he had his shirt off and nothing else mattered. we talked a bit and smoked a little outside. he was the whole “fucked up childhood, bad parent relationships, jail, babies by two moms” kinda boy i used to love. and he was so so so beautiful. but we didnt have much to talk about. after being with the guy in Eureka for 5 days i was just glad to speak to someone i wanted to be talking to! so i said loads of words at him and all my ideas, he smiled a lot and said “that’s sick” or something similar about 100 times. he definitely seemed interesting but as im never gonna be here again i was more interested in getting naked. it was really sexy. he is a amazing kisser and his hands and mouth were everywhere. he is tall and lean and big. he kissed deeply and passionately, almost desperately. i felt like he couldnt grab enough of me at once. my body was just his to mold and move and use, all with his mouth and big hands. he picked me up and carried me into his bedroom i was able to get my mouth on his massive, perfect, hard dick and his hands never left my body. we were bent around each other, i couldt even tell which way was up and i didnt care. ive already forgotten how we fucked, i just remember his body above me, watching his muscles under his tanned, tight skin, and his face as he fucked me hard and fast. thats annoying i dont remember it already! i was kind of self conscious and it wasnt orgasmic for me. i was just enjoying how much this gorgeous man was enjoying me and letting him enjoy it how he liked. i mean, it felt great and was great sex, i just wasnt focused on my orgasm, rather, the experience as a whole. when he was ready to cum he wanted to cum in my mouth. there was so much and it felt pretty good to be honest. he ran straight off to the bathroom to clean up and pulled on his pants. i was still all kinds of turned around still but i got my clothes on, very slowly and joined him in the living room. we chatted a bit more and when it got a bit awkward we were figuring out when we should go to bed and if i would stay. so i just put it out there “can i put your penis in my mouth again?”. this time i really got to spend some good time with it. i love feeling a man react while i enjoy playing with their cock and balls with my mouth. i can stay down there for hours! esp when they are as perfect, smooth, soft, hard, taught and big as he is.
he is actually messaging me on snap right now. i told him im writing about him and i sent him my website to perv over…and for me to show off! he told me how much he enjoyed eating me. im dying.
anyway. this time we stayed on the sofa. i dont know if i gave in and wanted it inside me or if he pulled me up but i was definitely on top of him on the sofa and was able to take a bit more control this time. yet still, i dont remember it. i know he fucked me from behind. and i know he came in my mouth again and im pretty sure i had a orgasm and it was good and he enjoyed it a lot, but i have forgotten the details again. This time when we were done it was pretty much bed time. i didnt want to stay cause it wasnt super comfortable yet and im rubbish at sleeping with people and he wanted to sleep in late. so i explained myself a few times and he said it was all good, and eventually we acknowledged we were both on the same page about being ok with fucking and leaving! i said id be around sunday so to message me if/when he wanted more. then i drove back to walmart, parked up and had a very good nights sleep.
i actually woke up late myself on sunday, 10.30am. i was speaking to this other guy on Tinder, Travis, who was down south of where i was and would be driving by later. so we chatted and flirted all morning, i thought he was pretty adorable and super hot so we planned on me coming down about 8. more about that later.
James messaged me around 2 or 3 when i was parked up in Home Depot. im thinking of re doing my kitchen so was looking at supplies. but i think i should just use it for now. the layout isnt the problem, its me just not using it. maybe. anyway. James was on his way to meet a friend for coffee and wanted to stop by the bus. it was perfect timing. i was so horny after saturday night and then planning the night all morning. he liked the bus and was way too tall to fit in it. we didnt really need to chat at all this time and i was straddling his lap and making out with him within minutes. now the little bus isnt very subtle, now add in two people at the back of the bus moving around and making as much noise as we were, and i dont want to imagine what you could tell from outside. i just hope no families walked past! i got him to fuck me from behind so i could use my favorite vibrator which was by my bedside, as usual. that was it for me. him, that dick, how sexy he was, it was, how public we were being, and the vibration on my clit, i lost it. about 4 times. at least. he just kept fucking me, and i just kept cumming. again when he came i took it in my mouth, but i missed a bit and it got in my hair too. i even came when he was filling my throat. i could feel him pulsing and hitting the back of my throat with his cum. we cleaned up and got dressed and he said he feels bad fucking and leaving but he has to go. i just laughed and said we both know we are fine with it. we said bye and he drove off leaving me very satisfied.
I have one other boy in the area i had really enjoyed spending time with as well as sex shit being amazing and kinky. i had hoped to see him before i left but he didnt come through on saturday night and is a bit up and down. so i assumed i wasnt gonna get to see him. however, he is super into watching and hearing about girls getting fucked. so i sent him a message saying id just gotten fucked by the hottest guy and i took three loads of cum in my mouth and still had some in my hair. he called dibs on seconds. which was so so so hot. im super into guys who are into girls being slutty. we talked about really hot shit for the next couple of hours till he got home. i had told him i needed to leave for 8 to go fuck this other guy, so when i got there at 6 we only had two hours till i was supposed to leave. we spent the first hour or so just talking. it just kinda happens, we talk a lot. we talk about a lot sexual stuff too, and he will be sat away from me and we just talk, even though we are talking about things we want to do. its so hot. eventually i jumped on his lap and started kissing him. his kissing is like a 10. its so so good. it feels really well matched to how i kiss. its like all i want as soon as we start. i love kissing. But I wanted him on his knees on the floor between my thighs, tasting someone else on me and in me. He wanted it too. We spent a long time doing everything. i really enjoy how passionately we fuck, so close, so much kissing, and grinding, feeling every part of each other. Eventually after about an hour he came in my mouth and got the second blob of cum in my hair for the day.
November 11th 2017
Testing. Working
Stepping back
After all the changes of plans and road blocks I have faced already I am gonna step back from sharing on social media and stop thinking of this as my time to be making art. I want to keep my own diary. And I want to settle into this lifestyle. I’m going to do proper hikes. And that’s about it. Do all the free things. Just keep doing. Lighten up again. I want to react like a reasonable human. Not let my BPD react for me. I think I want to just be a normal person for a while. Haha a normal abnormal.
…couldnt keep up!!
im already way behind on what ive been up to. thursday night i had a threesome with step brothers. we roleplayed me being their older sister and i controlled my naughty little brothers and used them to satisfy myself in every way possible. much dp was done. and then friday and saturday night i spent being alpha to a beautiful boy who is normally dominant but wants me to control him and use him for my pleasure. i bought a strap on especially for him and for the first time got to properly fuck someone. it was a quick learning curve for me and i spent the weekend having the best sex in the best company. i havent had that much sex with one person in such a short amount of time in years. normally i get bored after a couple of times of them cumming. or im just done. or they are out. but this time, i cant get enough. i cant keep my hands, face, tongue, pussy and dick off of him.
im doing a rape roleplay tomorrow in the woods on my walk, so that will be exciting. and hopefully im gonna have a bit of time to keep up with all my explorations on here!
i have so much to do
i have creativity pouring out of me at the moment. i have so many posts i want to write, things i want to write about and pieces i want to make. every day is just going to be a process of getting as much out as well as still taking in more and having new experiences. im so excited about the artistic journey ahead of me. my best friend said to me last night;
“some people have to live their life as art and be extreme and burn brighter than others to show people something about themselves. thats what i think of you when you are at your best. your most honest. and fearless. when you are doing things cos you love you not cos you hate you.”
it was the most beautiful, succinct summary of how i feel i need and want to live my life. it is a statement about me that im wildly proud of cause that is who i want to be and what i want to do. and it is why i am here, sharing all of this rawness with you. every single element of my life is curated by me to be exactly what i want and what I, think it should be. my life is the piece of art i am trying to capture through any media i see fit. i have fought for my right to live my life as i have. it hasnt been an easy journey. and its not going to be smooth sailing from now, far from it. but it sure as hell is worth it. and hopefully through me living my life to my fullest i can share things with people and help people in ways that i wouldnt if i had denied my calling and tried to fit in or live any other way than my authentic self.
at some point i will write a well edited, concise explanation of my concepts. the reasons i choose to put myself out there the way i do and why i share specifically what i do, is all intentional and hopefully at some point can be rounded up into a body of work that explores my passions and position in the world, and everyone can see it as the sum of its parts and its parts independently. until then, i hope you enjoy the process of me making and exploring, editing and adventuring.
post dedicated to a woman i cant wait to stay in touch with and watch grow the rest of my life. i love you.
…started my own sexual revolution.
this week has already been one of the best for personal growth and sexual growth i have had in years. i feel like everything i know, am, and have been is all coming together and making me stronger, more confident and happy. the sum of my parts is greater than the different people i have been through the years. i no longer feel disjointed. i feel like i am everything i have ever been, not a wisp, bending and changing and moving on from past experiences. this strength and confidence in my self, my abilities and experience has led me to take the bull by the horns when it comes to my sex life.
i have always identified as a “pleaser”. i like to make men happy. to make their bodies and dicks feel good and to act in the perfect porn way for them. but this does NOT get me off. my satisfaction and enjoyment of acts came second to my desire to impress. this isnt how i feel any more. i have realized my true sexuality and have started acting on it. and this has led to two of the best sexual experiences of my life. and also i am talking to the other men im interested in the way i want to get what i want. i am not a girl, in need of a man to lead me and validate me. i am a powerful, experienced alpha female who gets off on enjoying peoples bodies and living out fantasies, pushing boundaries and directing how men interact with my body. i know how to make myself feel good. i sure as hell know how to fuck. so just cause im not the one with the dick doesnt mean i cant control all of that. even when im face down, ass up, getting railed.
gone are the days of lying back and taking it, reacting to the boy as if he was doing something spectacular, while in my head im thinking about anything else, eyes closed, porn persona taking over. i no longer will deny myself pleasure in order to try and control how people see me. nothing is sexier than someone genuinely enjoying themselves. and i have enough skills and experience that what i do for my pleasure is incredibly good for the person on the receiving end.
i am in control. i am alpha. the way i act out my sexuality is with me in control, pleasing someone how i enjoy it, making sure its turning me on more than them and my mind isnt wandering because i am bored. i am fully engaged and its causing me to have more, deeper, longer, more satisfying orgasms, quicker than ever before. its changed everything in myself. i am no longer afraid to lay out what i want and how i am going to use the next beautiful man to achieve it, and tell them everything how i want it. its only been a few days, but so far im incredibly excited to have go to the point where i have finally started my own sexual revolution.
…buried my face in a peach
im wide awake again and just had another mind blowing sexual experience. i am so glad i am settling into my sexuality and enjoying being the real me. 2 just left. we planned to spend the night rimming each other and playing with each others asses. which is basically what happened. i let myself loose on this perfect butt and used my mouth from the tip of his cock round to his asshole for almost an hour. i didnt hold back and buried my face deep within his cheeks, using my tongue, gently, tickling his hole, plunging it in as deep as i could, suffocating myself on his ass, i sucked and tongued and kissed his gooch and balls, stroking his cock when my lips werent tickling the shaft. i did everything with my mouth that felt great. i have already lost track of what happened when and how. i came, lying between his thighs, face disappeared between is round, firm cheeks, not able to take a breath for having my tongue so far up his asshole. and i had an incredible, huge orgasm after fucking me for ages after i finished with my mouth. i was impressed he lasted so long after an hour of teasing. we finished up with him fucking me slowly while i lay face down with him straddling my thighs, my vibe on my clit pushing me over the edge. the walls of my pussy clinging to his rock hard cock
as it slowly teased its way in, shallow for a few strokes, then deep, then shallow again, building me up till i exploded under him, screaming out at full volume, un able to control myself. i think then he kept fucking me until i managed to cum again and then fucked me hard and fast till he pulled out and came on my asshole, causing me to have another orgasm rip through me from the vibe to his cock as it pulsed and pulled out of me. we chilled for a bit then and i got talking about all of this. my blogs and art and just basically a life summary in half an hour. he teaches english so i was interested in his opinion as its early days for all this writing again. the conversations were as good as his asshole. he got hard again when we were talking about sex we like, so this time it was his turn to explore my asshole. again it was the longest ive allowed myself to relax and enjoy what was being done to me and he clearly was enjoying it and keeping it up until i was desperate for his cock inside me.
now im confused cause i am remembering positions and orgasms and butt lickings, boob play and nipple bitings, face sittings – him on me, that i cant place in the time line. it is 3.30am now and he got here at 11, so that is a lot of stuff filling that time. and it was all very physically and mentally stimulating.
i do remember how we ended up though. after his cock got hard for a third time while i was giving his butthole some attention before he left, i asked him if he thought he could cum again. he was confident in his ability. so i got him back on his front and me between his thighs, face deep in his cheeks. i was happy in there for a while, then reached around and pulled his cock down between his thighs and into my lips. i worked my way around his cock, balls gooch and asshole over and over again, tickling his smooth hole with all my fingers, teasing them into his entrance. i ordered him up on all fours, unable to wait any longer, and got my face between his cheeks, and forced my tongue as far inside him as i could. topping off my favorite combo act, i reached around and stroked his cock in time with my tongue fucking him. after a little while using him like that i wanted my fingers inside him. he told me after the first sex he probably would have let me fuck him with a strap on, cause id been behind him then, humping him, wishing i had a cock, grinding against his back, pulling him back against me, into my crotch, biting his back, stroking his chest and abs, using a finger inside him. this time i decided to go for more, so i lubed up everything and eased two fingers up his tight virgin ass. i started slowly fucking him, going deep and deeper, twisting my fingers around, rubbing against his p spot, pulling the length of my fingers out and back inside him. he was so tight and it was so soft inside him. i was stroking his cock hard, reaching around his thigh and he said he was gonna cum. he couldnt quite get there on his knees, so he flipped onto his back and i pressed my fingers back up inside of him, using the classing “come hither” motion and told him to stroke his cock for me so he could cum. i fucked that ass with my two fingers, watching him wank his cock till eventually his body started shaking, and he was ready to cum. his asshole twitched around my fingers and i saw the cum fly out the tip of his cock onto his chest. i had my vibe on my clit, but i had gotten too into fucking him to worry about my orgasm and i had more than enough through the past four hours.
we were both very satisfied and exhausted when it was time for him to leave and im sure we will be in touch as he knows im writing this up about him and was genuinely interested in my art and work. now after writing all that im relaxed enough to go to sleep…after i have a cheeky wank over the night i just has with my face buried in a peach.
edit; i just remember what i forgot to include!!! when it was his turn to eat my asshole, he made me cum just with his tongue on and in me. neither his nor i had our fingers, tongue or toys near my pussy. i came just from the feeling of him enjoying myself with my ass hole, me relaxing entirely to enjoy it, the thought of his asshole and cock and not performing my enjoyment. it was an incredible experience. i can cum now without my pussy even being involved in the stimulation!
i can see again
stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk:
It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He made me hate myself as much as he hated me. He gave me his eyes. I’ve been seeing myself and the world through his eyes. 3 years ago exactly to the day I moved in with him. Today. I can see again. I’ve got my eyes back. It’s the only way to describe it. I can see myself and everything I’ve ever done, that I’ve spent the last 3 years apologizing for and believing made me a bad person, who had been through and awful experience and had always been a victim. But with my eyes, the person I was before him, I am so so so happy. I am elated.I’m on my knees in a Forrest. Crying my eyes out. Over the realization that I have had exactly the life I’ve wanted and done everything I wanted and had a fucking great time doing it. And even with him. I did what I wanted by marring him and as soon as I realized what had happened to me, I got the hell away from him. That was strong, powerful. And right. I am everything I wish to be. I am the person I want to be. I am so proud of my achievements no matter how outside the box and fucking A moral they are. Cause that is who I am! I am not afraid of my sexuality and my otherness. They are who I am, what I stand for and what I live, love and die by. He threatened that. He even took it away for the last 3 years. But I am back. I can see again!
Edit: and now I just posted this , I am calm and content. Happy and relaxed. I feel whole.
…had the best sex of my life
i know for sure, 100% i just had the best sex of my life. with a stranger. i met him on the swinger site yesterday. he likes a woman in control and i have been wanting to flex my alpha muscles. we decided upon tease and denial, fluffy dom shit. he was really hot and lean, which is why i chose to see him first this week. he was gonna lie there and let me tease and edge him as long as i wanted and use his body for my pleasure. and that is exactly what i did.
now, time out, this is now the time i come clean about all the times ive acted out, or been in, scenarios where i am using someone for my pleasure, but have in fact been putting on a act as the porn version of my sexuality, to make sure the men i aleep with, have their fantaises fulfiled. This has however been at the detriment of the fulfilment of my fantaies, but i felt i wouldnt meet anyone who would be up for what im into and that i would feel shy or embarrased to behave like i needed to act out such fantasies. tonight, however, before 1 came over i had a revelation about who i really am. not who i think i am, who i feel like, what i think other people see, or what someone made me feel i was. i saw myself with loving eyes. and it feels incredible. i felt the power to be the woman in my fantasy.
we hadnt planned out how we were going to play or even talked about limits or anything. when we were talking i was just thinking i was gonna do my usual porn version where he gets to cum after about half an hour and the whole thing was basically just his fantasy of me serving and pampering him, than me being in real control. but when i realised, i changed the plan. i would be the fantasy.
so that is where 1 comes in. i meet him out in the street and we dont get to see each other till we are inside the house. i was happy. we went straight through to the bedroom, cause i refuse to do the pre hour chat. i told him to sit and relax cause he had trouble finding the place and then its in the middle of no where and he was meeting a stranger and seemed on edge. we talked a little bit but he was very quiet so the woman i want to be told him to get up and take his clothes off. he got under the covers cause he said he was cold and i turned the lights off. i wanted to not worry about what i looked like, and knew i would with the lights on. i climbed on top of him and started kissing him. eventually as we settled into each other, the ice broke. i started on top of the duvet and him under it, i was kissing him passionatly and grinding against his hard cock, and just as he started to grind back against me, i pulled away.
that started the next 3 and half hours of me building him up, teasing him, hurting him, being a brat, a ditz, a bitch, a lover to him, using him and making myself cum. i took so long on every single thing. every time we would start to get worked up, i would pull away and get a drink, find a hair tie, smoke a joint, get more water, go to the toilet, roll a joint, find my vibrator or change the music, anything to stop and make him wait, and ache. i tried to make every minture a mixture of pleasure and pain, or pleasure and fear of when its gonna end or hurt again. he was the perfect subject. he basically didnt move a muscle until i told him to, he received everything i gave him, making no noise, not reacting or try to make it feel better or avoid the pain while i sucked his toes, bit his nipples, licked his face and neck, stroked his body with my fingertips, forced him lie in the very wet spot where i squirted. i sucked his cock and balls, teased his asshole, smacked his pretty face when he was cheeky, or not smacking him when he tried to top from the bottom. i was switching personas, making him lick me till i came while i bossed him around, i ground my pussy all over his body to make myself cum, using my vibrator in front of him, making him fuck me while i sat and smoked a joint and didnt move, positioning his dick as if it was mine and using it to hold a vibrator against me while i ground against it and stroked his cock like it was my own. i bent him over and ate his asshole, made him stand over me and stroke his cock so i could watch, even when he couldnt get it hard cause i had been stopping and starting all of this, over and over again. i sat on his cock and used my vibrator on my clit without moving and had a massive orgasm, i lay between his legs with my vibe on my clit till i came while deep throating his cock, i teased my asshole with the tip of his cock, not letting it slip in, i taunted him and just generally controlled every element of the time sensually and passionately and painfully, down to every word i said and never once let him get even near cumming.
i gave him several opportunities to end it early, to stop denying him, but he alwasy chose to carry on. pretty much every orgasm i had i thought would be my last for the night cause it had been so good and each time id do something with him or use him, id cum again and even bigger. i kept teasing that i was going to end it. i called a time out after a particularly intense orgasm and we had a bit of a chat and a laugh. when id stop to go do something silly or drink or whatever, i would take my time and chat to him, asking silly wuestions, making quips and and behaving differently, all intentionally. the whole night seemed choreographed to me, by me! double entrndrees flew out my mouth, while i slipped his dick in my mouth. i sucked him exactly how i wanted to, as slow, wet, fast, deep, hard and soft as i wanted, for as long or short as i wanted. same for everything i did. i, for the first time ever, did the things that i enjoyed, for as long as i enjoyed them; i was confident and had great ideas; everything flowed and i even kept my eyes open, which made me cum twice as quick and hard, seeing this beautiful boy serve me and take my teasing. i was in heaven and felt like i had my very own barbie doll boy to play with purely for my pleasure, without thinking about how it felt for him, how i looked, or what he was thinking, the whole time. the whole act of controlling changed for me and i became the woman i fantasied about being.
after 3 hours i decided it was only fair that he came, but he had been drawn out for so long, his cock couldnt get hard any more. i made him keep stroking it, forcing him to get into it, focus on making it feel good. i kept telling him to get himself close, while taunting him and watching him. i told him id know if he was faking it or just stroking it cause i told him. i wanted to see him get into it, enjoy it, make his dick hard again. he had been such a good boy but i pushed him too far while i got my phone out and chatted to him, while he was trying to get hard. he thought i wasnt doing it on purpouse and that i genuinely wasnt paying attention. i swiftly put him right and made sure he knew every single thing i had done to him, every time i stopped, said something, ignored him, or teased him, was done entirely on purpouse and was making sure he was doing what i wanted at all times. i didnt slack. he was struggling though. and he had been such a good boy for so long i decided to help him out. i stroked his body gently, kissed him, stroked his hair and face, cupped his balls and teased the shaft of his cock, i tried to make his exhausted body feel as good as i could, until eventually his cock was rock hard again. i slid down his body and enjoyed his cock in my mouth for the last time before i wanted to help him cum. i needed to cum one more time aswell after his cock was back in my mouth and been desperate to ride him reverse cowgirl as his dick bent perfectly for that position. i lowered myself down on his cock and rode him till he grabbed by hips and started pumping at me hard and fast from below. i didnt stop him or tease him any more. i wanted us to both cum. and just as my orgasm ripped through me, with my vibe on my clit, he pulled out and came all over the bed between his legs. he sat up and grabbed be, holding me tight while the orgasms subsided in both of us and we were both spent.
i asked him during the night, how it was for him, if he liked what i was doing; i like positive re inforcement; but he wouldnt say anything. i told him it was the best sex of my life and i was living out so many years of built up fantasy, but he would not tell me how it was for him. i dont think he wanted any input on what i was doing whatsoever cause he clearly was very happy to let me control every second of the night and every inch of his body. it wasnt about his enjoyment and pleasure, it was entirely about mine. when we said goodbye we hugged tightly, repeatedly, kissing, he wished me well with my travels and tears caught in my eyes, as they are now, thinking of how he had given me the perfect night and had been everything i had wanted from someone in that situation. i knew half way through, but by the time we finally said goodbye i knew, that had just had the best sex of my life
…joined a swingers website
im not going into sexual detail right now cause what i need to do is schedule the rest of my week to fit in all the fun im trying to have! i only have two nights or days can i do things. so im planning a variety of sneaky fun. this is who im trying to fit in:
- Bo – wants to be controlled. i want to tease and edge him for as long as i see fit.
- Ben – has a beautiful butt and body and wanna bury our faces in our butts
- Bill – just has a massive cock. it looks so amazing. i want to just be left to play with it how i want!
- Con – is hottt. we wanna try some kinky roleplay, currently deciding what exactly!
- Mr P – he came over last time and ate a strangers cum out my pussy before cumming in my mouth and letting me kiss him and give it all back to him. very skilled too.
- Hunger – wants to explore some bi play and is offering to bring a friend along to play.
5 could be useful to come in after any of these and get up to similar play as last time. i would like him to be my cum slut again. that is definitely something i am very into. i need to explore my cuckold side desperately. also none of these cover my need for sleep rape. i have to get someone in tonight i think for that, well any night. i love it. i wont wake up, ill let someone come in and use me however they can with my limp body.
i was trying to get 5 to come with me to see 6, but he isnt up for it. ill just be fucking him in the ass with his strap on instead.
got 1 booked in for tonight, 2 for tomo and ill have to have 3 on thursday, followed by 5 to eat his cum and take it in the ass.
no i have to find a play mate for me and 6 for friday. then i still have saturday. and i think ive just found somone im very interested in making a video with!
busy week. im like a kid in a sweet shop since i joined a swingers website!
Sex Professional
i want to be a sex professional. i want to help people with any sexual queries they may have and come up with sexual solutions to their problems. i want to help couples who aren’t sexually compatible be happy, practically and conceptually. i want to help people reach their sexual goals and fantasies. i want to teach people who want to know more, about sexual acts, naked confidence, sexual exploration and the ways it can all improve your general confidence and well being. i want to help people not feel ashamed about sex, sexuality and fetishes and bring it out of the shadows as and acceptable part of everyone’s life and being a well rounded human. i don’t want sex to hold anyone back or make their life’s difficult. i want to encourage sexual honesty, for yourself, your current and your future partners.
i dont think im scared any more
i just had the most powerful walk in a while. ive been bed ridden for nearly a week. and from nowhere i got better. then today went for a walk and after a hour and half i realised. i am not scared any more. im not scared of people, what they may say to me, how i might react, what they think of me, how i feel about them, how they will affect my life, how they could change me or my path, of their good sides and their bads. im not scared of money, of work, of purpose, of lack of purpose. im not scared what im doing with my life or where i am going. im not scared to travel to the opposite side of the world and drop myself alone in the middle of nowhere to start my life again. my life didnt ever really stop. i had just gotten so used to being scared. everything was a threat. i had my defenses up. he put them up. and ive let them go. i dont know what happened. or why today….ok i have some inclings, but in order to get this out im not gonna go on and on and into it. i just have to acknowledge this. today i know what it feels like to not be scared of anything again. i dont need to live on the defensive. i just need to live the life of the person i want to be and to be seen the way i want to be seen, all i need to do is act the way i believe in.
starting
i am just going to write. right now i have nothing to write. but i dont see any other way out from where my life is at the moment. i have nothing else to offer except my stories, experiences and opinions. i need a creative output and dont know where to start. i have a lot of ideas. but i havent followed through with any of them for a long time. i have been stagnant now for two years. that suprises me. i thought it was longer since my world fell apart. and if it has only been two years, then i have actually done a lot more with that time than i have been feeling. but instead of my life gearing up towards something, i have been getting further and further from a sustainable existance. when i was so far from ok that i couldnt see myself surviving another day, i knew i was going through something and that i mentally and physically couldnt do anything. but now i feel i am almost back to zero. my mental health is stabilizing, my sense of self is returning, as is my fearlessness and desire to do something with my life. but i am at 0. i have nothing.
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. i have $12,000 saved up from the last 4 months of caring for my nan and some stocks my parents have given me. so basically a hand out from my mom, which i greatly appreciate, but without, have no idea if id even have 1/10th of that saved. i plan to move back to america in june and use this money to buy a van i can live in on the road, travelling and staying where i please. ive wanted this for a few years. it was part of the original plan that fell apart 2 years ago. but now, in the middle of may, faced with the reality of being dropped in the middle of no where, with nothing, no one, no plan and no desire to “work” in the traditional sense, i am terrified. being at zero here i am safe. im at home. i have my family all very close by. i have been sharing a home with someone for 5 months. before that i lived here in my own flat for 5 months, but i was in the same city as my family for the first time in 13 years. i basically havent been alone in a long time. and i have been feeling that this journey is going to require that. and choosing to be alone is scary.
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