ive been with my mom, around people, in busy towns, cities, campsites, beaches, doing things for the last 4 weeks and its time for a break. i was feeling grubby today on my way to starbucks and then the beach. when i realised i only feel grubby cause im in cities and around city and town people, not country people who generally are dirty from work. ive also been in very posh and mostly white areas too. not much poverty around these parts. i miss being away from the cities. where trivial stuff matters less. where i feel less judged. where i dont feel the constant pressure to spend money, consume, shop, partake. its a constant onslaught of the senses. i have lived in the biggest cities in england for the first 26 years of my life but since leaving them and spending more and more time in the countryside, small towns and villages, and mostly, the wilderness, i havent wanted to go back. The only city ive lived in since i left london was las vegas. and that isnt a normal kind of city. it runs on fun, pleasure, tourism, excitement, experiences. working there is being a part of a system that provideds millions of people with a dream, a getaway, a world unlike any other. the city doesnt have hoards of paper pushers and bullshit jobs. its a service city. everyone is a entertainer. obviously i know there are still normal, non tourist/service jobs there. but its those service jobs that are the backbone of society, not just services propping up a city of paper pushers or tech workers.
9th January
ive been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. i have been struggling to feel like myself and adjusting to spending all my time with family after just getting used to being alone and figuring out who i am and what i want. i struggle to adjust and i struggle with how i behave in this adjustment period. i have just re read the writing ive done since ive been with family and its a lot of me explaining myself and asking why things are the way they are. i didnt enjoy re reading them and thought they sounded very juvenile. my friend warned me that we regress when we are with family and i thought id gotten to a place where this wouldnt happen again. but it kind of has. i have 6 weeks more of vacation here where i get to enjoy a leisurely day to day. 6 weeks till i have to start doing my next real life again. where i get to put more of my ideas into practice.
we have been driving all over southern florida. back and forth. down the the keys. and camping in state parks. we have seen lots of stuff and not done much. basically bus life. which was the point. i worry about my lack of productivity. but i cant really turn on that side of myself when im around family. i did back in england a bit. but it took me months to get that comfortable. im barely comfortable fitting that work/lifestyle in bus life at all. so its understandable. but i still worry about letting the motivation slip away. will i be able to flick a switch and have that part of me back when i want and need it? it was gone for a very long time and it was so good to have back. this time is also solidifying my decisions about what i want and i am excited about being unleashed to try this out later this year.
there hasnt been much to write home about in terms of fun stories. i have “too many temples-itis” i think. i have seen so much new stuff and travelled so far the last few months that i cant be amazed at the moment. i am just taking it in. there are tens of alligators i pass daily in the park we are staying in now and it doesnt quite sink in. ive been on beautiful hikes and its still hard work and i dont feel like taking photos of all the new beautiful vistas i encounter. but ive felt this conflicting the whole time ive travelled. i love that my every day is awe-some. but i also love that every day doesnt have to be awe-some. i have chosen to live a life where every day is like a holiday, where i see new and amazing and beautiful things. i dont take it for granted but i also cant be like a tourist forever. i am very appreciative that i have made my daily life this beautiful and exciting. i want to remember every place and thing i see and do, but i cant visually archive my whole life. i already have way too many unedited projects and ideas i havent started yet to think i will be able to consolidate all of the material i collect. and part of the point of this lifestyle is to live in the moment. to experience it 100%. i want to absorb and enjoy moments rather than record them and distract from them all the time. i want a balance of both. to document enough to remember real, lived and experienced moments.
i have tindered a bit but obviously not met up with anyone. it is so frustrating. but i also know if i really wanted to i could meet up with someone.
dont tread on me
living in america is a constant onslaught of things, people and ideas that threaten who i am. i face a daily barrage of situations and events that make me question everything about the world i live in and what i thought i knew and what i think of as right or wrong. the people and the places are so diverse that it has created infinite differences in each person. no two people experience any one thing the same. im sat here in starbucks. a busy one. and a fat old white man in the corner has a radio station playing on his phone at full volume. a man sat around the corner could hear it. we can all hear it. it is intruding upon every single one of our lives. because of what that fat idiot thinks is ok. everyone thinks different things are important and are offended by different things so almost every interaction is negative for someone when another person is expressing what they are ok with. there is no common behaviour that everyone observes in order to create less impact and intrusion on the lives of people around us. there is no standard manners. no common courtesy. no mutual understanding that we are living in an ever busy and intrusive world and we should all contribute to create the least impact we can on our fellow people.
i used to be disgusted by what i thought was the mentality behind the “dont tread on me” merch people have. but over only a few months of moving around america, i feel like i am heading towards thinking exactly that. dont tread on me motherfuckers. every single one of you obnoxious self important pricks who dont have any concept of the societal disease they are and are spreading to others. this wasnt what i thougt was behind the “dont tread on me” idea. i saw it as a anthem for people who wanted to be obnoxiously themselves. but now i see it is a mentality of fear, being threatened, constantly being made to feel like you are the only one that xyz matters to and are the only one upholding the standards that you see as right.
i am pretty fucking out there myself when it comes to what i think and things i do. but i dont do it while speeding, blasting my music, pushing past people, shoving myself in peoples faces, shouting, not saying thank you or sorry, not letting age go before beauty or ladies first. i work hard when i am around other people to do what is right. i know i do this because i can also be the complete opposite. when i am in the wrong mood i will purposely try to make other people feel bad. be obnoxious, on the attack. breaking rules on purpose to piss off people, being rude to people, ignoring others. i am openly angry and threatening when things dont go my way. i enjoy making everyone around me as miserable as i am. and i especially like them to know when i think they have done something wrong or to slight me. i give people the finger tens of times in a single day. i am, right now, repeatedly looking over at mr fat radio and giving him the evil eye. i had a screaming argument in the bathroom with an old woman yesterday cause she moved my bag. so i know how to be that complete asshole. but i know who i want to be. i know what to do to make me the happiest. i know what behaviours serve me and adds to my life and which dont. ive also been on the receiving end of a huge variety of behaviours and know that they too can have a huge impact on my life, mood and mental health. i like being and getting, that positive boost in someones day. someone smiling at you randomly or smiling back at you in passing. someone making a funny joke in the line at the store. someone holding the door open for you. the chat you get in with a stranger for a few minutes. the person that lets you out of a side road in busy traffic. the person that flashes a thanks or a wave from their car. its tiny actions that are easy and make your day lighter, that could have an even bigger impact on the person on the recieving end of the gesture.
i live and work alone on the road with no family in this country and no friends for thousands of miles around. all my human interactions are with strangers on the street or in stores and restaurants, hiking, or just hanging out in the bus. i know im not alone in being alone like this. so these interactions are quite important for a lot of people. i would love there to be a few new rules written up on etiquette and manners and distributed to whole nations. we are all so different and instead of offending each other and dividing us even more, if we were able to act with common courtesy as well as being unique individuals we would all feel less threatened by the other and have less of a daily onslaught of difference and threats to our selves and identities. if i knew each time i went out in public it wouldnt be like running the gauntlet of possible ways in which strangers can unknowingly ruin my day, life might be slightly less stressful and negative.
i am constantly looking for ways to make myself happier and my life more harmonious. i want to understand the world and myself in relation to it. i asses my behavious and feelings and look into their origins in order to understand who i am and what i need. i am in constant negotiation with the world as it changes around me and within me. the daily onslaught of difference makes me think deeply about myself and what i believe, so i am constantly re defining and working these ideas, refining them and reasurring myself of them. i feel like if i can figure it all out i can write my manifesto of myself and not have to think about it any more. i will be solid in myself. but even while saying that i know that i already have it. i am it. i am me. there arent pieces missing i have to figure out. i am currently in a situation where i cant freely move between all elements of myself so what myself is feels threatened and i am worried that it isnt what i thought it was. but i have to remind myself that is just that. elements of myself that i cant be in certain siturations. they arent gone. or not valid. i dont have to rethink who i am in order to understand how i feel right now. its all part of a whole. unfortunately my whole has to be compartmentalised in certain situations. but i have chosen my life this way. i am not living a life of dealing with what comes along and taking what i am given. i do what i want and question everything. maybe that is why i like the idea of some grounding social guidelines. some behaviours i can rely on and connect to others through becuase there arent many common connections in the rest of my life. good manners are the basis of a good day for me, my grounding. without it i am wild, angry and miserable. with it i feel open, kind and positive about myself and the world and people around me.
Deep Thought = Legitimate Work
Deep thought as deep work. Deep thought as legitimate work. Deep thought and it’s productivity in relation to my writing. In order to be a great writer you must have great ideas. And to get great ideas you usually need to spend time thinking about ideas and their possibilities and pursuing different ideas. Many great artists have and still do sequester themselves away from Soceity and often civilization in order to create. Most people do not have the luxury of prolonged periods of deep thought. However due to the unusual lifestyle I’ve lead over the past 7 years I’ve found myself with more and more time for deep thought. I am now at a point where my life is almost solely devoted to deep thought. I also have been pursuing the opposite. The ability to stop all thought and just exist in the moment. To sense. To be. And to be content. I am really happy with how far I have come with both of these polar states. But now I am wondering if too much deep thought could be detrimental to productivity. Especially in my case. I have always been a dreamer. A ideas person. I love fixing and solving. But I’m not much of a doer. I don’t actually put the ideas down or pursue them very often…..I’m pausing. I’m not sure that is true. I’m living in a school bus in America without a job or responsibilities, exactly what i wanted, my idea. Maybe more of the reality is that I have had a long period where I haven’t been able to put my thoughts into actions or successfully pursue ideas. And for the last year I have been having more ideas than usual and I haven’t been in a situation to put much down on paper or act on anything. Now I’m at the point where the deep thought has yielded enough fruit for me to work on and really get my teeth into. So I’m going to have to start locking myself down to write for these periods of deep thought with increasing regularity. Like I have been. I have to be accountable to myself and acknowledge what my goals are and keep going. i am my creation and my creativity and my creative outlet. acting on my ideas i have and are excited about will serve me the best.
17th December
im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health issues. i didnt know how i would feel from one minute to the next, let alone, days or weeks away. i didnt know why i was feeling the way i was, or if it would ever stop or go away. i could barely exist for almost three years. id have days where i would feel like a normal person, happy, optimistic, id make plans, id feel like i knew who i was somewhat, in that moment. but then out of nowhere i could end up in bed, hysterically crying, panicking and really not knowing if id make it through the next 30 minutes. i felt like a spaceman whos line had been cut and was drifting into the nothingness of space, disconnected from reality and slipping further and further away.
i dont want to cut a long story short, but my journey out of that isnt the point right now, so i will just say that over the past year with many daily hours of deep work on myself, the fear, uncertainty and unfamiliarity with myself has faded. i didnt think id ever be able to just be me and be happy. i didnt think id ever know who i was or why i was the way i was. so the understandings of myself, who i am, what i want in life, what i believe of life and how i am choosing to live it, that i am having now, are even more exciting and important to me than they could ever have been. i was mentally and emotionally at rock bottom. i used to be so sure of myself, so passionate, so me. not only does the fact that ive come so far embolden me, but the fact that what has emerged as my passions, beliefs, interests, morals, future plans and vision of my future, all line up with and are richer more developed versions of where i was 4 years ago. maybe i needed to be knocked down in order to learn the strength of my passion and belief in my life path. it is not a easy one and i am going to have to be strong. but it sure is exciting for me at the moment. it is even more important for me to be true to myself, now i have a deeper understanding of, and connection to, who i am and how to keep developing myself.
4/5th December
There really isnt anything like the feeling i am getting now i am starting to understand and love myself. i know who i am. I see who i have been. i know what i like. i know where i am right now. i am greater than the sum of my parts. there are no parts. its all me. all the things ive been, the lives ive lead and experiences ive had arent all past, obsolete, different people. they are all in me. i am everything i have learnt and done. i am more experienced now than i have ever been as i am just older than i have ever been. but now i can draw it all together and know my self better than ever and welcome back into the present, all the girls i said goodbye to, or never felt connected with in the past, have all come back inside my brain and are me. i felt so lost and confused before. i felt as if my life was a series of disjointed, unconected events that could often conflict with everything i thought previous to that new experience. i felt like i had been lots of different people and that once one was gone, they were no longer part of me. not something to draw from and learn from. but to discard and then start again from scratch in a totally different way. once i got to the point where i knew i couldnt make the same mistakes again i have been working to learn from past me’s. learn who i am. what i like. what i really want. what actually makes me happy. what i really need. what my priorities are. to find out what it is like to be me. to just exist. with nothing. to sit, still inside and out and to be content. i have stripped my life down. and i am happier than ever.
i love myself. i knew that was a big part of becoming who i wanted to be and what i have been consciously working on for the past couple of years. i have to be me forever. i had to be honest with myself about who i am really, the dark parts, and see how i felt about that person. instead of changing the parts of myself that i have found uncomfortable and been battling with my whole life, i learnt to understand, forgive, accept and eventually love those parts of me as much as all the stuff ive been ok with all along.
…did a glory hole.
since deciding dating apps were no use for me I have seen a different man each night. all of them interesting, intelligent and attractive and one of them, insanely kinky. San Francisco is definitely interesting and there seems to be lots of opportunity for exploration and fun. i might end up getting stuck here! but i need a night off tonight for sure. my jaw and throat hurt from all the dick and my pussy is swollen and sore. my mind is alive though and right now i couldnt be happier. i am parked up right on the water, overlooking the bay, alcatraz and the golden gate bridge. drinking tea with some biscuits a very sexy, successful man gave me last night after a very mentally stimulating evening. i am living my dream exactly as i planned right now.
the sex fest started friday. i went for a walk in a park north of san fran that turned out to have an amazing view of the city. i was already texting with 348 and was getting super horny about the prospect of the sex fest we were planning for saturday night. i was very horny and enjoying the view so thought id try using my fingers and no porn to get myself off. i basically masturbate one way only and i think i need to be more versatile, it will help with sex orgasms im sure. i fantasized about being caught and watched by some perv in the park. it was hard work but i got there and really enjoyed it, it was a good, deep orgasm. i carried on my walk for a couple of hours longer and went back to the bus for another thanksgiving sandwich. i had decided to go to the sex club and was talking to another boy, 347, on tinder so asked him if he would like to come. he was actually down and i was excited i wouldnt have to go alone. he is a van living boy with a van life instagram and youtube, and the beardy and glasses hipster type. i drove past the club on my way to find parking and it was in a super busy area, it had a big flashing sign announcing what it was and there were a lot of homeless people on the street. it wasnt the high end part of town, but it made it seem more kitch and fun than serious and dirty. however 347 did not agree. he text me he had driven past and thought it was super sketchy. i had driven about a mile out of town to find somewhere to park, and after a bit of chat about other places we decided he would come park up near me while i got ready and we could decide if we would go or not. i knew he wouldnt be going, but i hadnt decided what i was going to do so just sat and did my make up while we chatted about myself mostly. i had lots of words to get out apparently. after a hour or so we ended up having slightly restrictive bus sex. i already have sex amnesia on most of the specifics. he told me he had done webcam with a ex so i hoped this meant he knew what he was doing. i think his dick was quite nice, if memory serves me. it was very hot and cramped in the bus, but he had moves. i think ultimately though it was just sweaty, cramped, restrained, quiet, and not in a naughty hot way. we had sex twice before it was time for him to leave. i think the second time i grabbed my vibrator and used it on my clit while he fucked me from behind then flipped me over onto my back with my legs on his shoulders until he came. my make up only got a little bit smudged.
when he left it was after midnight, and i figured i wasnt in need enough to go to the sex club then. i was also massively put off at the thought of walking to the club in heels and a dress on my own. its been a while since ive been out dressed up and at night, and i dont know what san fran is like, but i just didnt fancy having to fend off random street dudes shouting shit at me or trying to talk to me or get my attention the whole time. this sounds like a arrogant statement, but this is just my experience of stepping out the house that i have had repeatedly over 15 plus years. its why i cant live in vegas any more and its why i dont go out alone at night any more.
so i bedded down for the night as i had a good quiet parking spot where i was.
back to 348. within a few messages he had proposed an evening of a train of boys coming in to his apartment for us both to play with, to get some drugs and do all the things i could come up for myself and a bi bottom to do with other men and women. we started messaging literally minutes after i finished writing my previous post about not finding what i want. we planned for me to get to his on saturday at 11am, relax a bit while he worked, then get started on the sex fest. he messaged me early, his girlfriend had just left for the weekend, they are poly, and we were both up and ready so i headed over for 10am. it took me ages to find somewhere to park because he lived right near the sex club in a busy part of town. his apartment is in a nice old building over looking the street and all the craziness going on below in the tenderloin. it didnt take him long before his cock was in my mouth. it was fat and hard and his ball and asshole were perfectly shaved.
ok its now 16th September I have been stuck on this story and post for weeks. im over it. i will write it up when i want to.
andddd guess what. i just got harassed. again. in starbucks. foreign men interrupting me quite clearly writing and not looking around or in any way inviting conversation. it is so rude. why can a stranger ask a personal question and expect a answer? why is it ok to ask a stranger what their profession is? why is it ok to interrupt anyone elses lives without invitation? why do i have to feel like an asshole for telling them i dont want to tell a stranger personal information about me? i love being polite to strangers, chatting to people in line, being nice to people at the till. but when im clearly shut off i get so offended by the intrusion. its is wholly and completely a selfish act by the person perpetrating it. they, onesidedly decided to come and interrupt my day while i was clearly typing fast and with focus. i shouldnt have to feel like anyone can approach me at any time. its not fair.
DM DM: Post Sex Reminiscing
I’m getting really over talking to men I have had sex with and have no plan of ever seeing again. They don’t seem to go away. Some are fantastic. We fuck, we bond, I leave, and I never hear from him again. I am so rarely in the same place twice and if I am I want new experiences. Most people don’t warrant a follow up visit and are no way high enough in my priorities to go out my way to see them. So why do I have to keep speaking to them? I entertain the memories they have of us fucking and feed their egos by engaging with them. But I don’t reminisce to my past partners. I don’t have anyone I want to message and tell them it was the best Sex of my life and talk about it. I don’t care what number 73, 321 or 250 is doing in life. We had our moment. And I have no plan of seeing most of them again. I admit there are a few I’ve particularly enjoyed and would see again. But I’d hold of messaging them till I could tell them I was coming in to town!
I think a large part of it is my aversion to messaging. I hate the instant messaging culture. People can just jump in your life, whenever they want, where ever you are, what ever you are doing. I don’t want to talk to them right now. I want to reply in my own damn time. But, with so many people messaging all the time now and expecting immediate responses, as soon as I put them off it snowballs into a pile of messages I just don’t even want to acknowledge. I really miss spending days, yes, 3-4 days, writing a text and deciding for the perfect time to send it. Down to the minute. You couldn’t reply straight away. That would seem sad and desperate. I’d pick random times, like 2:37pm so it didn’t look like I planned to message someone at 2:35pm exactly, even though I had planned it all. That was 17 years ago. I liked instant messaging for a while. I kept up. I wanted replies immediately. Facebook messaging changed my life for a while. I was living a very social life at the time working in the music industry in London. And it seemed that every man, single, or not, knew I was good at and enjoyed “cyber sexing”. That interest died off as a hobby as I turned it into my profession and no longer wanted to give all these dudes orgasms for free when hundreds of other men on the internet would pay for it. Around that time, I left England, and my enjoyment of the immediately expected and wanted reply has diminished to the point I am at today. I don’t even like receiving messages. I have to think of what to say, be polite and nice, spend time just sitting still doing nothing except giving attention to this fucking phone that I’m typing on now to write this, with the overwhelming awareness of how instant replies and the phone they access me on are irrevocably damaging society and is causing completely unnatural behaviors in humans.
I used to like social media and love instant messaging. I used to like having all my conquests as friends on Facebook and Instagram. I could see their lives every day in my news feeds. I didn’t need to message anyone. But since getting rid of social media on my phone I no longer give a fuck about what any of those people are doing. It’s irrelevant. They are gone. I would like to collect pictures of everyone I’ve fucked to put with the list to remember them. I did and do like the idea of mayyybe being able to speak to someone in the future if I wanted to. But in all the years I had that access to their lives I didn’t gain anything from it. I’m not better off for keeping the line of contact open. And any of them who wanted to reminisce about the Sex were just a DM away and hitting me up whenever they wanted to chat. I don’t know why I’ve entertained it for so long really. I think it’s 90% ego. Knowing there is always someone somewhere thinking about fucking me on any given day.
Several of the repeat reminisce offenders have girlfriends. And I still entertained them. Until this week. This one class A asshole, previously written about in my sex blog, got in touch…Again. We fucked a few times maybe 8 years ago. And over the past 8 years I haven’t seen him once. Yet he still messages me several times a year to tell me it was the best Sex of his life, he will never get Sex like it again, his girlfriend is rubbish at Sex, he is frustrated etc, etc, etc. He keeps his actual sexual interests secret cause he thinks people will think he is weird. He made me keep us a secret too. He cares so much about how he looks to other people, so he denies himself. I suggested he hook up with my girlfriend once and they swapped messages but never met. Even though they never met, he still messages her for sexting, until now! Her last message to him was a female golfer emoji hitting the aubergine emoji. We are both done with his pathetic, gross, cheating ass. So when he messaged me a few days later, I knew it was coming, I replied with what I’ve been wanting to say for a while now.
“I’m soooo sick of you messaging me saying how it was the best sex ever etc. it was 8 years ago. Get over it. If you message me this shit ever again I’m going to screenshot all your messages and post them on Facebook and tag your and your girlfriend. Fuck off.”
He didn’t reply. I am the lady golfer swinging and hitting the aubergine.
It is really hard to be myself as a woman who likes sex. If I’m nice it’s OK. But if I behave the way that is most authentic and real to me and what I really think and believe inside then I will be taken badly and considered bad. We are in the middle of a sexual harassment crisis for a reason. Men don’t know how to behave because women aren’t telling them because women are afraid of how men will react to honest sexuality, whether that persons sexuality be prudish or promiscuous. I really want to stick by my morals and interact with men in a way that will help them learn how to really act around different types of women, but I really don’t want to be seen as a heartless, ball busting, feminist, bitch, slut when people judge me by societal norms and preconceptions with which I do not concur. I’m constantly treading a fine line between what I want to do and say, and not damaging the ego of decent person. It’s easy if they are an asshole. But it’s harder when they aren’t really offensive, just persistent and annoying. Maybe dicks can only text message me from now on. They don’t get to message me on a easy access social media platform that crosses international cell service, or be connected on a site that makes them think I’m interested in their lives in any way. I have a great time with these people. And some of them are amazing humans. But. I’m not gonna see them again. I can’t collect them all. I think what I enjoy the most is loving them and letting them go. I want a good interaction, memory, event or adventure. I am not looking for more people to add to the list of people who I have to stay in touch with, replying to them when they pop into my life demanding instant attention and action. I have 4 people I will almost always reply to immediately or within a few hours, in the world. And sometimes it’s a push for me to talk to them. Maybe everyone else is replying to 50 different people an hour and keeping up with it. But I can’t do it. I don’t want to keep up any more. I just don’t care. I’m living my life in the real world. I don’t reminisce about dick via messaging with people from decades ago who are thousands of miles away. I go out and get new experiences and find new dick to add to the collection.
Dec 15th 2017
I saw the same homeless man twice today and I said if j saw him a third k would talk to him. I saw him on my walk home. With way too much cholcoafs milk shake left dr dinner. I offered him my shake and we had a nice chat for about 10 minutes. I face him
12th December
i havent finished any of my writing in the past few weeks so i havent posted anything. i was sick for a couple of weeks after san fran and it threw me off. and im also driving across the country for the first time so a lot of my brain is being taken up just taking in all the sights and new information and driving. i just parked at rutherford beach in Louisiana. its beautiful. white sand, lapping waves, oil rigs on the horizon and no one around. i came down here to try to earn some money on webcam and do some writing and just be settled somewhere for a couple of days. ive driven 2500 over the last 4 weeks and havent stayed in the same place for more than 2 nights. i just want to stop!!! Bus life is about being able to travel but i havent stopped driving since i got her. i am exhausted. the plan was to settle down into a routine of going off to a spot for a week or two then moving via a town to pick up supplies and interact with people. this has not happened. ive also decided exactly how i want my life to be now in terms of making money, where i want to spend my time, how to use my money, basically how to have the life i have wanted for a long time. i got side tract from it for the past few years but i know what i want again now. but i have to wait a few months before i can put it in to practice. which is very frustrating for me. because im all about immediate gratification. i act on my ideas. i dont wait and plan. so im feeling a bit frustrated and trapped. i dont like not being able to do what i want, when i want. which is why i chose this life style. anyway. despite feeling frustrated and trapped i am super excited about it and really looking forward to things getting even better in the future. i really, really want this life i have planned. its not far from what i have right now and its nothing i havent done before, except in different places. it encompasses so much of what is important to me in life. i feel like i have a talent, a calling and passion for something that can make my life the way i want it, while pursuing all the things that matter to me in life. i would be living authentically as myself, completely true to myself. Authenticity and Wisdom are the things i pursue in life. More so than money, material things or relationships. I am trying to gain it through self-awareness and observation of experiences i have, of myself, of the world, and other people. Stretching myself to understand more every day. i want to experience everything and understanding myself to the point where i can operate most authentically as myself within the world in a way that best serves how i choose to live, but with a deep understanding of how the world operates around me and for other people. im pretty excited to earn money in a way i believe in again! from the last 6 months ive found i dont need money for stuff. if i earn money again i dont want more things. i just want to collect it so i have it for when i want to do things. i want to use money as a facilitator. the simplicity of my life doesnt need to change. but it can get easier. it would actually be simpler. i wouldnt have to worry about how i would make money for the things i really need, like i do now.
i think ive started to feel uncomfortable with what i am writing because i fluctuate on how open i want to be, how all-encompassing, whether i should separate things out, keep things to myself, censor what i write. who am i writing it for and what am i saying it for. i want it to be for me. but it is so hard to let go of the worry of judgement. of who i am, how i live, what i do, how i write, what i say, that i even say anything out loud. i have to battle between the ego and the artist when i am writing. the artist wants authenticity, the ego wants to be liked. the artist wants to show it all, hold it up for inspection. the ego wants to show things in their best light. the artist doesnt want feedback and just wants to create for herself. the ego needs reassurance, acceptance and a positive reception from others. i guess ive always enjoyed saying things i shouldnt and being the odd one out.
im going to log onto skype in a bit, after ive had a walk, to see if i can make any money any more. i only really want to do Domme shows at the moment. i am totally over faking my enjoyment for men and i dont enjoy most of the stuff i have to do on cam any more. i would much rather just do things in real life. cam for me is authentic and enjoyable when i get to do roleplay and domination. i enjoy watching and controlling, not performing. but most people want me to perform for them on webcam, thats the nature of it. so i have to accept i wont make money easily like this. which i have, as i know i have a better plan lined up! i should stop writing, so a, i finish a piece. and b, so i can actually try to do some work!
December 3rd, Sunday
i’m topless on the roof of my bus on the desert in arizona. i finally left california today on my way to miami. i spent a week in san fran in the end. i had 4 days of fun and 3 days of being exhausted and sick. i spent 2 nights parked at fishermans wharf which was noisy, a couple of nights parked around the tenderloin, which was noisy, and then a couple down on the ocean front. i had sex with 6 people. i went on a nice hike along the bay to the golden gate bridge. and i started cooking my own food again.
sf is definately where i can go back to if i ever need to find people with like minded sexualities. ive never encountered so many straight men who want to suck cock openly. half the people on tinder have “poly” or “pan” somewhere in their bio. and i got to fulfil several fantasies
i started writing a post about my first nights in sf, so i will go back and carry on with that and then write about the others
Nihilism
I hope the world and every fucking person on it burns and dies. Life is a fucked up trap and if you dont play along you dont survive. i guess that means i wont be surviving much longer. fuck you fuck everyone fuck life. life is a fucking illusion. you are born to make money for other people. live other peoples ideas of what is right and wrong. there is never ever true freedom. we live in a fucking game. this isnt living. this is fucking gross.
Black Friday
Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.
I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.
The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.
I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.
i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.
Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.
and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.
Lets Talk About Sex
Why can’t we talk about sex?
Some people may say that there is no need to have a public conversation and space for Sex, that it is a private matter between the two consenting adults partaking and that it is crass or vulgar to talk about graphically. I believe, however, that it is something that urgently needs bringing out of the darkness and into the light.
Sex is something almost all of us do in our lifetimes. We don’t all do it all the time, some of us do it more than others. Some do it every day. Some only do it when it’s really necessary. To a lot of people a happy/good Sex life is a important factor in their relationships, well being and lives in general. Our sex life’s have an impact on our mental and physical health. And our Sex lives can be as varied as our interests in television. Television is a bit like Sex. Almost all of us will watch it in our lifetimes. We don’t all watch it all the time, some of us watch it more than others. Some watch it every day. Some only watch it when it’s really necessary. Watching television can be an important factor in peoples relationships, well being and lives in general. What we watch has an impact on our mental and physical health.
So imagine if we weren’t allowed to talk about what television shows we liked to watch. We couldn’t be honest with people about how much we actually want to watch it or don’t like it. When you watch TV for the first time with a partner will you always have to watch “How I Met Your Mother!” so it seems like you’re not into some weird shit and that you are OK with middle of the road “normal” sit-coms? You can’t ask anyone to spend 12 hours on a Sunday in your pants watching Ancient Aliens, or tell your work colleagues what you did at the weekend, because they might judge you if it doesn’t line up with what they think is a respectable amount to watch and how to dress and behave while watching it. Our sexual interests are much more varied than our television choices and have a greater impact on our lives yet we aren’t supposed to talk about it. Not being able to talk openly and honestly about what TV shows you like and how often you like to watch, would seem ridiculous. So why do we keep the lid on Sex? all of our other interests and hobbies, that don’t harm other people, are open to public discussion, sharing, bonding with like minded people and spaces given for interests to be pursued. But Sex has to be kept in a darkened bedroom. It is the persecuted hobby. The sexual body.
Another Day, Another Collection of Thoughts.
Day 10 on the sex drought. The last guy i rejected has cursed me. The failed date I drove to pick up and then just didnt like. I had such high hopes. And such blue balls. And I havent had a release since. Well Ive cum alot. Just only by my own hand. And that isnt what i need. I need some weird, kinky, extreme, exciting sex. I now have over 200-250 emails. And a offer from the cutest boy on my Tinder. But its STILL not happening. So I guess it is me now. Am I being picky? Ive emailed with a few of them, but nothing has progressed. When it works, it just works, with all the people i meet. Craigslist isnt helping me either. It cock blocked my last two posts about the specific kinks i want to explore right now. More specifically, soomeone now keeps flagging my posts and they keep getting removed, because apparently i cant be real, must be a scam or are violating their conditions by being really horny and wanting to get laid in a interesting and specific way. The upshot is, I still havent gotten laid. There is alot of comments I could make and conclusions i can draw from the kind of emails i have recieved over the past 48 hours, but i havent learnt anything I didnt already know. I am going to start compiling my thougths on things outside of my own life, like this, into essays. Just so i do it. Keep them for myself. i have started a list of topics i already have ideas for.
Ok I have just solved my own sexual frustration problem. Im going to a sex club in San Fran tonight. Alone. Fuck it. I need to be around this stuff.
And i already have changed my mind. Thank you again google and yelp for reviews! There is such a massive gap for a space where people can openly share their sexual desires and connect and act them out. Like one of those kids play warehouses things, but for adults, and not gross. Maybe I will just go. Its only $10. If i go at like midnight there should be people there. I’ll see how I feel. And I can check it out. But then I am in San Fran. But then I am in San Fran! Find a parking spot for the holiday weekend? Good sex? More people not less though.
I had a bath in the bus last night. I boiled some water and just used the sink. I exfoliated my whole body and used soap! it was a revelation. 5 months in and i have never had a hot sponge bath in the bus! Some ideas come to me too easily, some, im a little slow!
I had a hilarious walk yesterday. I was deep in thought about my sexual freedom and all the positives of being a strong, sexual woman, how excited i was to be incorporating that into my life again, when a lean, grey haired man in his 50s, came towards me on a road bike, in full gear, at speed. As he drove past he broke my reverie by calling out “ohh look at that. what a hottie. phew” with a sharp intake of breath. After the shock, the realization of the juxtaposition of the thoughts i was having and the experience my body was having in the world at the same time hit me…and i nearly died laughing. It came out of nowhere. He seemed so professional and was definitely of comfortable means. And he sounded so old fashioned. Then a few minutes later a man in his 60s called after me that i had very “psychedelic” pants on. Drawing my attention to the fact that he was watching me and my legs from behind while i walked away. These kind of daily interactions rub up against my belief of being able to be a liberated, sexual woman. It stops me dressing how i want, saying what i want and even walking with the gait i would like. But it will not stop me wanting to be able to use my body how i choose without judgment or unwanted attention.
Craigslist Personals: Desperate Times.
i often stop writing half way through what i was saying. I get bored of the story so I dont push it. yesterday my obsession with sex took over. i spent the whole day looking up people online, messaging a couple of people on t/b (gonna have to abbreviate that shit or come up with a universal name for them that isnt “dating apps” maybe DAs). I even ventured on to craigslists casual encounters section. I expected it to be filled with adverts for massage and escorts, but instead there were mostly just posts from people looking for certain sexual experiences, right now. the more i read, the more i was thinking it might work for me if i posted what i wanted. my frustration was building so much that by about 5pm i posted my first ad on craigslist. 19 hours later i have nearly 150 replies and I’m slightly overwhelmed, still incredibly frustrated and I still havent gotten any sex.
Very laid back and experienced Brit looking for experienced, kinky men – w4mm
Dominant, experienced, very open, non judgmental woman looking for a man/men/bi men to help me shake off some pent up sexual energy.
I’m currently particularly interested in:
MMF; Bi MMF; Cuckold; Alpha in the street, sub in the sheets!; Rimming; Pegging; Cum eaters; Taboo roleplays; Gangbangs; DP.
I am looking to play this week. If you’ve read this far and think you, or you and all your friends, might be up to the task, please email with the subject “I want” and include in your message what you want to get up to, your experience, a dick pic and a face pic.
I will need you to be able to host.
I think the problem is figuring out who i get turned on by, from just pictures. Someone needs to have a very attractive face for me to want to meet them off the internet. I think I need a new way to asses my interest. Because there are over 100 men in the area who want to have interesting and kinky sex with me and I cant figure out who I’m even attracted to. I also want to re frame how i weigh up sex, attractiveness, kinks and what turns me on. If i expand my potential pool of mates by lowering attractiveness down from number one in my priorities, I may actually get more satisfying sex. What if i want a slave. Some one to cook for me, bathe me, massage me and please me how i want and be my toy to use and treat how i want for the evening. His looks no longer need be a priority. His willingness to serve and his skills and tool he has for serving me becomes the priority.
From the responses to my ad, I can tell the majority of the men are identifying as dominant and will be conceding to let a woman take control so they can experience something exciting with someone they want to fuck any way. I think it is time for me to experience a truly submissive man.
Ok now with that re-framed in my mind there are too many men I can meet. I think I should do 5 minute speed date calls to see if we click. Saves messages. And if we do we can meet right away.
Yes. This is me currently planning how to be able to get more sex. Weirder sex. I want an exchange of sexual kinks and games and events to be another strand of society and culture to be fully and openly explored, talked about and shared. But like all my ideas of how the world should be, it is a conceptual fantasy not a plausible reality or an alternative solution.
Im in the launderette right now. Wanna get taken to the bathroom and fucked on the sink. I dont know why i am overflowing with sexuality right now. this week. this month. but i love it. i am at my happiest when my sexuality is in full bloom. when i want all the men and all the penis. it is my energy resource! gonna get my laundry out and think about penis more. i better have more to write about later!
I Want Sex
I want Sex. I can’t find any. I am talking to a fewwww guys on tinder and bumble but nothing is jumping out at me. No one I can really be bothered to have a conversation with, let alone suggesting a swinging from the rafters type session with! I get frustrated at times like this. Cause it should be easy but it’s not! I wish I could approach someone in public if I wanted them. I have giant balls. But not when it comes to approaching men. I’d love to walk into Walmart (I’m parked here, it’s not part of the fantasy) and see a hot guy and just tell him I wanted him to come back to the bus and fuck me. I guess I’ve done it in nightclubs and pubs a lot. Just never in daylight! And not for a very long time. Also. I’m bussy now. Hairy and smelly. It doesn’t lend itself to spontaneity! But I need Sex. Asap. And I also really need some interesting sex asap. I want a hotel gangbang. I might have to try and arrange something for San Fran. I’m going to do laundry and get on the computer and figure things out.
20th November
I’ve had quite a quiet few days. I spent a lovely 24 hours with Sarah from friday afternoon. We had a hike around a park, got me some free maps, made dinner and watched Grimm. I parked up at hers too and spent the night in the bus there. We hung out more the next day too, Saturday morning. She cooked me French Toast which was delicious. We got on so well. I have no older female friends. And barely ever get to spend time with normal women. Well Sarah isnt normal! She is fantastic. We connected a lot about how we cope in the world and how we try to survive. I always believe i meet the right people at the right time and vice versa. I think we have both come away with alot to think about and a renewed confidence in the path we are taking with our lifes at the moment and the personal skills we are working on. I love connecting to open people through/on the simililarities in things you dont think anyone else experiences. When your crazy matches. It makes me feel a bit less crazy and a bit more valid.
After a week working on my new website and a day with my new friend I needed a couple of days off. I went back to the park Sarah took me to as its free at the moment and just parked up and watched Grimm. I didnt even go for a walk. When the park closed I parked up at some institute, thought it was like a college maybe, and settled in for the night. Around midn
Loading...