I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome,… Read More "Connecting"
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir. I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done. Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always… Read More "Stream Of Consciousness"
Welcome To Me
I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience. I am a woman who has taken part in all aspects of sex work for 8 years, who studied and wrote her dissertation on female sexuality in the 21st century at University of London, who has had nearly 400 partners, been in love at least 8 times,… Read More "Welcome To Me"
17th December
im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health… Read More "17th December"
4/5th December
There really isnt anything like the feeling i am getting now i am starting to understand and love myself. i know who i am. I see who i have been. i know what i like. i know where i am right now. i am greater than the sum of my parts. there are no parts. its all me. all the things ive been, the lives ive lead and experiences ive had arent all past, obsolete, different people. they are all in me. i am everything i have learnt and done. i am more experienced now than i have ever been as i am just older than i have ever been. but now i can draw it all together and know my self better than ever and welcome back into the present, all the girls i said goodbye to, or never felt connected with in the past, have all come back… Read More "4/5th December"
12th December
i havent finished any of my writing in the past few weeks so i havent posted anything. i was sick for a couple of weeks after san fran and it threw me off. and im also driving across the country for the first time so a lot of my brain is being taken up just taking in all the sights and new information and driving. i just parked at rutherford beach in Louisiana. its beautiful. white sand, lapping waves, oil rigs on the horizon and no one around. i came down here to try to earn some money on webcam and do some writing and just be settled somewhere for a couple of days. ive driven 2500 over the last 4 weeks and havent stayed in the same place for more than 2 nights. i just want to stop!!! Bus life is about being able to travel but i havent stopped… Read More "12th December"
December 3rd, Sunday
i’m topless on the roof of my bus on the desert in arizona. i finally left california today on my way to miami. i spent a week in san fran in the end. i had 4 days of fun and 3 days of being exhausted and sick. i spent 2 nights parked at fishermans wharf which was noisy, a couple of nights parked around the tenderloin, which was noisy, and then a couple down on the ocean front. i had sex with 6 people. i went on a nice hike along the bay to the golden gate bridge. and i started cooking my own food again. sf is definately where i can go back to if i ever need to find people with like minded sexualities. ive never encountered so many straight men who want to suck cock openly. half the people on tinder have “poly” or “pan” somewhere in… Read More "December 3rd, Sunday"
Nihilism
I hope the world and every fucking person on it burns and dies. Life is a fucked up trap and if you dont play along you dont survive. i guess that means i wont be surviving much longer. fuck you fuck everyone fuck life. life is a fucking illusion. you are born to make money for other people. live other peoples ideas of what is right and wrong. there is never ever true freedom. we live in a fucking game. this isnt living. this is fucking gross. Read More "Nihilism"
Black Friday
Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still. I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today. The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The… Read More "Black Friday"
20th November
I’ve had quite a quiet few days. I spent a lovely 24 hours with Sarah from friday afternoon. We had a hike around a park, got me some free maps, made dinner and watched Grimm. I parked up at hers too and spent the night in the bus there. We hung out more the next day too, Saturday morning. She cooked me French Toast which was delicious. We got on so well. I have no older female friends. And barely ever get to spend time with normal women. Well Sarah isnt normal! She is fantastic. We connected a lot about how we cope in the world and how we try to survive. I always believe i meet the right people at the right time and vice versa. I think we have both come away with alot to think about and a renewed confidence in the path we are taking with… Read More "20th November"
Trying To Start
Argh I have stuff to do but i just need to write. i feel so good. yes. im pretty high but i have been having a lot of ideas, or thoughts this morning. i listened to a podcast about feminism and hear about Catherine Hakim and Economic Capital. She is everything I would say….. …..I was trying to start writing about a feminist podcast that id been listening to and each time i re read it i needed to change it. i couldnt get it write. i cant get what i think in my head to make clear sense on the page. to a third person. that is what being good at writing must be. I cant communicate my ideas very well at all, but I can tell stories. Also formulating my own feminist theory isnt something I can probably bust out in half an hour in starbucks. so for now. I will only… Read More "Trying To Start"
November 15th
I didnt finish the last time I was writing. That wasnt even all of that day. I ended up going 40 miles south after to meet another guy. But he turned out to know how to take a good photo better than be a person i could stand being around. I just couldnt see how i saw what i did in the photos when I saw him in real life. A total let down. He was acting, and talking, exactly like an ex who did meth and heroin. He had no respect for my bus and was just so on edge. Within 15 minutes of meeting him I had to tell him I was too uncomfortable with him to carry on and had to take him back home. He was a bit better on the drive back but damn I was relieved to get him out my bus. So I… Read More "November 15th"
November 11th 2017
Testing. Working Ok so i have a idea. Of what, of all, i can do with my time and myself at the moment and that is to exist and be me. I cant have a job. Im not doing bus life to move from job site to job site. I have learnt so much the last 3 months. And i am in such a good place right now. I want to start work on my website. I want to write what i do every day, so i can read it back. I want my voice to be one that is speaking to me. I dont have anything to say or anyone to speak for, a point to make. I just want to live my life and document it. I wouldn’t preach my ideas and thoughts on current affairs to myself in a diary. So that is how i will approach… Read More "November 11th 2017"
Stepping back
After all the changes of plans and road blocks I have faced already I am gonna step back from sharing on social media and stop thinking of this as my time to be making art. I want to keep my own diary. And I want to settle into this lifestyle. I’m going to do proper hikes. And that’s about it. Do all the free things. Just keep doing. Lighten up again. I want to react like a reasonable human. Not let my BPD react for me. I think I want to just be a normal person for a while. Haha a normal abnormal. Read More "Stepping back"
i have so much to do
i have creativity pouring out of me at the moment. i have so many posts i want to write, things i want to write about and pieces i want to make. every day is just going to be a process of getting as much out as well as still taking in more and having new experiences. im so excited about the artistic journey ahead of me. my best friend said to me last night; “some people have to live their life as art and be extreme and burn brighter than others to show people something about themselves. thats what i think of you when you are at your best. your most honest. and fearless. when you are doing things cos you love you not cos you hate you.” it was the most beautiful, succinct summary of how i feel i need and want to live my life. it is a… Read More "i have so much to do"
i can see again
stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk: It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He… Read More "i can see again"
i dont think im scared any more
i am not scared any more. Read More "i dont think im scared any more"
starting
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. Read More "starting"