It’s cool to have been bullied and abused for being myself all my life instead of anyone caring enough to realize I have a debilitating mental illness. Read More "Autism Experiences"
Wished I Could Ask People This.
do any of you get debilitated by the reality of how awful humans are and how fucked the world is? on a existential, grand, fundamental reality scale, not like, “lots of people have been mean to me and they suck”. But as in the trajectory of humanity is totally fucked and has been for tens of thousands of years and no one is looking to or willing to do anything about it? or even admit its all fucked up and wrong. and its getting exponentially worse. Read More "Wished I Could Ask People This."
30th January 2021
i am denser, more round and heavier but i am smaller and take up less space. im not as big and vague as i thought, im contained and tight. i never wanted to look like i was trying not even trying to hold my body up Read More "30th January 2021"
What I Didnt Send When I Lost My Best Friend
I just wanted to let you know that I don’t feel like our friendship is over. But it is clear we need and are having a break. I am ok and ok with that. I hope you are too. We will align again when it’s right. I still love you the same as ever. Read More "What I Didnt Send When I Lost My Best Friend"
BPD and Relating
This morning I didnt smoke. I was having a good morning. until thinking about seeing ryan and how its like saturday and he hasnt seen me since tuesday or said anything about seeing me the last few days. i immediately went into a intense bpd reaction. when i have those thoughts i belive them. i believe i am seeing facts. that this is the wise thought, reaction and feeling to the situation.i sent angry texts. i wanted to cry. i was overcome with negative emotion and feeling. i felt sick. emotionally exhausted. i couldnt fight it. But i was aware that i was not high and that I was having a bpd reaction. so i got high and ive felt my mind change from being angry and in pain, to feeling almost fine and not caring. i still have residuals of those earlier feelings. and dont want to/havent relaxed into… Read More "BPD and Relating"
Lonliness
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in… Read More "Lonliness"
Different Brains
i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to… Read More "Different Brains"
I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want… Read More "I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”"
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone.… Read More "Bad Day"
why there is so much pain.
why there is so much pain. I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for… Read More "why there is so much pain."
This Is Americaaaaa
I wanted to write about lonliness but i just got so angry and hate every one that i dont think I can. I am at walmart for the night and this fucking cunt just parked next to me in this junk old rig and left their noisy ass engine running which then reminded me that the same junk ass looking rv woke me up at 5 o fucking clock the other day by having the same earth shaking, piece of shit engine running for half an hour. at 5 o fucking clock. how are people so fucking inconsiderate and ignorant.This whole country is just inconsideration and ignorance. I dont think i can stand it much longer. the people are so fucking awful it has ruined my whole life. its fucked up my mental health. i got abused. mulitple times. friendship over here is a joke. money goes out faster than… Read More "This Is Americaaaaa"
without sex i am nothing.
without sex i am nothing. i am sat in the library crying cause my body is aching to be touched so badly. Its all ive wanted for the longest time now, like a month. is to just spend time in bed with someone. to feel my skin on someone. to have sex over and over. to be held. and touched. to kiss someone. to have someone touch me like they love my body and what it can do. i feel sick right now.. its so painful i want to vomit. its entirely all consuming. a few hours, a day, a night, isnt enough. i need days to open up and relax and unwind and connect. laying down with someone i like is when i am happy. peacful, content. no mind. doing what i am supposed to be doing. it is my purpose. and without it i have nothing i like… Read More "without sex i am nothing."