ive been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. i have been struggling to feel like myself and adjusting to spending all my time with family after just getting used to being alone and figuring out who i am and what i want. i struggle to adjust and i struggle with how i behave in this adjustment period. i have just re read the writing ive done since ive been with family and its a lot of me explaining myself and asking why things are the way they are. i didnt enjoy re reading them and thought they sounded very juvenile. my friend warned me that we regress when we are with family and i thought id gotten to a place where this wouldnt happen again. but it kind of has. i have 6 weeks more of vacation here where i get to enjoy a leisurely day… Read More "9th January"
dont tread on me
living in america is a constant onslaught of things, people and ideas that threaten who i am. i face a daily barrage of situations and events that make me question everything about the world i live in and what i thought i knew and what i think of as right or wrong. the people and the places are so diverse that it has created infinite differences in each person. no two people experience any one thing the same. im sat here in starbucks. a busy one. and a fat old white man in the corner has a radio station playing on his phone at full volume. a man sat around the corner could hear it. we can all hear it. it is intruding upon every single one of our lives. because of what that fat idiot thinks is ok. everyone thinks different things are important and are offended by different… Read More "dont tread on me"
17th December
im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health… Read More "17th December"
4/5th December
There really isnt anything like the feeling i am getting now i am starting to understand and love myself. i know who i am. I see who i have been. i know what i like. i know where i am right now. i am greater than the sum of my parts. there are no parts. its all me. all the things ive been, the lives ive lead and experiences ive had arent all past, obsolete, different people. they are all in me. i am everything i have learnt and done. i am more experienced now than i have ever been as i am just older than i have ever been. but now i can draw it all together and know my self better than ever and welcome back into the present, all the girls i said goodbye to, or never felt connected with in the past, have all come back… Read More "4/5th December"
Nihilism
I hope the world and every fucking person on it burns and dies. Life is a fucked up trap and if you dont play along you dont survive. i guess that means i wont be surviving much longer. fuck you fuck everyone fuck life. life is a fucking illusion. you are born to make money for other people. live other peoples ideas of what is right and wrong. there is never ever true freedom. we live in a fucking game. this isnt living. this is fucking gross. Read More "Nihilism"
Black Friday
Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still. I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today. The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The… Read More "Black Friday"
i have so much to do
i have creativity pouring out of me at the moment. i have so many posts i want to write, things i want to write about and pieces i want to make. every day is just going to be a process of getting as much out as well as still taking in more and having new experiences. im so excited about the artistic journey ahead of me. my best friend said to me last night; “some people have to live their life as art and be extreme and burn brighter than others to show people something about themselves. thats what i think of you when you are at your best. your most honest. and fearless. when you are doing things cos you love you not cos you hate you.” it was the most beautiful, succinct summary of how i feel i need and want to live my life. it is a… Read More "i have so much to do"
i can see again
stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk: It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He… Read More "i can see again"
i dont think im scared any more
i am not scared any more. Read More "i dont think im scared any more"
starting
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. Read More "starting"
March 5th 2015
he has thrown his wedding ring at me 6 times (about once every 2-3 weeks, the argument and recovery last 3-7 days) and told me he is calling the lawyers for a divorce. but only once has he left the house for more than an hour when he has said he is leaving. he packed all my stuff and loaded it in the car twice, to move me out. i havent once threatened to end it or said i dont want to be with him forever. everything he does is like he hates me. but he wont leave me or even leave me alone. he just pushes and pushes and pushes me to leave but doesnt want me to go and he doesnt want to end it. i dont know how to help him or stop this cycle cause he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong. he used… Read More "March 5th 2015"
October 22nd 2012
Aus – Cairns – Talking about Bohden and dunno who the dude was, maybe that bar manager dude i fucked So I tried to start this becoming a writer thing on Saturday, but I ended up curled into a ball on the sofa crying because I saw my ex making a joke with his friend on facebook about having “bitches errywhere”. Let me expand on this a little though. By saw, I mean stalking through other peoples profiles to find what shreds of him I can find as I have unfriended him and his profile is hidden. And by ex, I mean fuck buddy for 6 weeks that went terrribly wrong, think cliched movie, without the happy ending. So now i am trying again to start something. Not that that was a very good first impression. I sound like a neurotic teenager. And I’m not really going to be able… Read More "October 22nd 2012"
December 23rd 2007
At times like this it feels like everyone is put here purely to piss me off; sat in the “quiet” coach on a train to Birmingham, where no one on in the fucking coach is being quiet. I am now adding to that and pissing other people off as my super long red false nails are tap tap tapping on the keyboard. Im trying to make it not, but they are just too long. The couple several rows behind are alternately kissing and the man reading some bollocks aloud to the girl as if she is some mental retard. A status which is confirmed by her ridiculous comments and random, raucous laughter. Two rows ahead of me is a woman, presumably a single parent, with two ginger kids. I have no problem with gingers. But kids in the “quiet” coach? Whos dumb idea is that? Did they book those tickets… Read More "December 23rd 2007"