Hi. I wanted to DM you about this rather than put it in the main mod channel as i dont want to offend anyone. I was thinking about a channel for the opposite of the srs chats. like a light/joy/boasting/excess positive channel for text and maybe video. It is very hard to share joy and light when there are so many people here struggling, without seeming insensitive. One doesnt want to derail the conversation or seem to be ignoring the issues being shared. We are bonding a lot over heavy issues, and it would be really nice to have a space to bond over shining, where it doesnt put people suffering in the shade. I have no idea if addressing this is ok. but i have to be honest and share what I am seeing and experiencing. I want this place to work and we need to keep space for light stuff as well as heavy.
Autism Experiences
It’s cool to have been bullied and abused for being myself all my life instead of anyone caring enough to realize I have a debilitating mental illness.
Wished I Could Ask People This.
do any of you get debilitated by the reality of how awful humans are and how fucked the world is? on a existential, grand, fundamental reality scale, not like, “lots of people have been mean to me and they suck”. But as in the trajectory of humanity is totally fucked and has been for tens of thousands of years and no one is looking to or willing to do anything about it? or even admit its all fucked up and wrong. and its getting exponentially worse.
30th January 2021
i am denser, more round and heavier but i am smaller and take up less space. im not as big and vague as i thought, im contained and tight.
i never wanted to look like i was trying
not even trying to hold my body up
What I Didnt Send When I Lost My Best Friend
I just wanted to let you know that I don’t feel like our friendship is over. But it is clear we need and are having a break. I am ok and ok with that. I hope you are too. We will align again when it’s right. I still love you the same as ever.
BPD and Relating
This morning I didnt smoke. I was having a good morning. until thinking about seeing ryan and how its like saturday and he hasnt seen me since tuesday or said anything about seeing me the last few days. i immediately went into a intense bpd reaction. when i have those thoughts i belive them. i believe i am seeing facts. that this is the wise thought, reaction and feeling to the situation.i sent angry texts. i wanted to cry. i was overcome with negative emotion and feeling. i felt sick. emotionally exhausted. i couldnt fight it. But i was aware that i was not high and that I was having a bpd reaction. so i got high and ive felt my mind change from being angry and in pain, to feeling almost fine and not caring. i still have residuals of those earlier feelings. and dont want to/havent relaxed into my high brain. the high version of me doesnt see all the evil things and interpretations of someones actions. high me doesnt instantly think someone is lying or tricking me or manipulating me. i take peiple for their word. i trust. i believe they think well of me and like me. im comfortable and happy. but what is the right way to be. which one is right? which one is real? which should i trust?which one should i act upon? now im high i can see how darkly i view other people and their intentions. i immediately go to them bieng up to something that will harm me. my lonliness really peaked too when the BPD got triggered. felt desperate. on the verge of tears. needing someone else. high i am comfortble in me on my own. i was feeling fine with not seeing ryan much recently. until i was sober. that is when the bpd brain looked at the whole sitation and reassesed and acted out.now i wanna be fine with everything.and almost trust it.
Lonliness
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in the same room as. Typing in to the void of the internet, even when there is a friend on the other end who will teply, is all I have. Text online is my main communication medium. So here we go.
Im too lonely to get on cam. I get this once a month ish, where it just gets too much. Travelling for so long, being entirely alone in this country, having no friends and having no men interested in me (that shouldnt be paying me), and not having had sex or any intimate touch for so long, just gets too much. I have been thinking about it a lot the past few days. In the last 4 years I have only had 2 guys persue any kind of relationship, text me first or want more from me than a second or third bang sesh, and they didnt last long. And I’ve only had a handful of sex repeaters. Some dudes would stay in text contact. But text contact is the only contact with any humans I have and it isnt enough. I also have only had like one female pursue a friendship with me in that time too. Even my AA sponsor doesn’t text or call me, or reply to my messages regularly. I have a couple of girls in different parts of the country or world who will occasionally speak to me via text. And my best friend is a Whatsapp friend Ive only seen twice in 9 years. But the only person I have spent any time with or has gotten to know me in the real world in 4 years is my Mom. Its so painful. I am so sexual and so in need of touch and love. It makes camming at times really really hard. I have just got an apartment in my favorite place ive been since travelling so im hoping to be able to be around the same people consistently, and maybe that will develop into friendships. But its a small town where everyone knows everyone so I dont know how to get my physical needs met. Also it seems to be a really couply place. Everyone is with someone. And its also touristy so lots of families and groups of friends are here having a nice time together. While I just drift around, alone, like a ghost. I’m not really sharing this for any reason except the fact that I need to speak my truth right now and dont know where else to do it. Most people can’t understand. This isnt a case of feeling alone yet surrounded by people. This is legit social isolation. Solitary confinement. No one to be in the same room with, ever. It has changed my brain over the past few years. Therapy is helping me get myself back. But the more me I become the more painful it is that I am entirely alone and no one else likes me or sees me. I cant rememeber what it feels like to have someone be excited to know me, to want to spend time with me, or see me more than once or twice and then never again. I am going to be doing all the things you are supposed to do to meet people, volunteer, go to AA, do sports etc. But I have only got to this new place this week and I haven’t started that yet and know it will be a long road till I actually find people and become close with anyone, so this feeling wont be going away any time soon. Im spiralling on the lonliness, which is what happens once a month like I said. Most of the time my little life Ive made the way I want is enough and this is just background noise I am just always aware of. But right now its full volume and I cant turn it off. I have a womens AA meeting this week where I have spent a bit of time when I have visited before. So that will provide relief. I cant go to regular AA yet tho as one of the main dudes there (in his fucking 60s(see previous post)) hit on me when we went for a hike in the middle of fucking nowhere and broke my trust and the safe space of AA and I am yet to deal with that. The social isolation isn’t through lack of trying. Its from it constantly failing. But here I am again ready to try again cause being entirely alone will literally kill you or send you compleatly insane. I wish it didnt. I wish I could cope with it. But I cant. I need people. We all do. And so many people are lonley and isolated now. It makes it all the more frustrating to not be able to connect, knowing so many other people need it too, yet we cant find each other, or we dont fit or whatever. And the longer the isolation goes on the harder it is to break. i used to know hundreds of people in the real world. I used to go out 5 nights a week. I used to be able to turn up places and always know people. People used to want to know me. I used to have articles writen about me. Celebrities wanted to hang out with me. I used to be someone. Id have people calling and messaging all times of the day and night. And then someone broke me. And nothings been the same since. I have wanted to write about the reality of my lonliness for a long time. But I know it is a super painful thing to hear and read for other people. I need to use my ability to be honest and open freely, to speak my truth about it. To not be ashamed of admitting Im lonely. Cause if so many people that are actually suffering are all pretending we are fine, we wont know we arent actually alone in feeling this way. Id pay to feel alone in a crowd at this point. To have collegues who I dont want to be friends with, to have friends I dont feel get me, to have a boyfriend that isnt quite right. To be alone yet surrounded by people. That is a least a step up from how low Ive gotten.
This IS NOT a call for random internet dudes to offer me their friendship, messaging, dick, or any thing at all. I dont want random internet men to give me any more attention than they already do. That wont solve the problem. And thier motives are painfully apparent, even if they claim otherwise. I dont need another random person to message with. There isnt a solution to this that I dont already know and wont have tried or be trying. This is just my reality. Read it and accept it.
I dont think anyone from the outside would think things have gotten this bad for me. That someone that looks like I do, has the lifestyle I do, does the things I do, would have this much lonliness and isolation. But that is why I want to share this. It could happen to anyone, it could be anyone. The conversations I get with check out people, or the Starbuck baristas are the only ones I have for days on end. This could be the case for anyone you see out and about and not know it. Not know how important those fleeting interactions are. Not know that you will be the only person that speaks to them all week. But if we can start admitting to it, to not be shamed or feel ashamed that this is our reality, maybe something could change, maybe somone might end up less lonely than if they hid it and pretended they are ok. So, I am not ok. I am lonley as FUCK. And that is my reality today.
Edited to add: Now I have said that and released it into the wild, it has helped ease some of that pain, that spiralling lonliness. It did help change how lonley I felt, by admitting to it. Even if no one even reads this. And I wont ever really know as I dont allow comments anyway. Thank god. But I just came back to say, it kinda works. Admitting I am lonley made me feel less lonley. So if this resonates with you, give it a go somehow!
Different Brains
i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to be detatched. and flat. its kind of a calm.blank. not impressed. not wanting to make effort. not wanting to be nice to anyone. not wanting to “lighten up”
is this the start of the darkness. is this how it starts. cause it feels strong and positive that i can get shit done and be level and calm but it makes me distant and detatched and i get strickter and less light until i dont want to be light.
as i feel like this it makes me want to keep myself to myself more. as its kind of hard to relax and be light with people. but then i think the isolation again gets to me and makes me want to isolae even more. or is the stricktness, inability to emote etc cause of isolation.
i kind of have period pains right now i wander if that is cause ive been fucjubg up my pill so i am now in pre period week again and that is why i feel like this?
how do i know if im being strong and focused or isokating/being dark and serious cause of pms
i think it may be cause i havent seen people. like ive seen mom but not had any time or conversation since maybe thursday morning. its now saturday, so its only been 2 full days but still. that is longer than most people dont have a real life conversation for. also all the work stuff gives me a imbalance in how much i dont like people. work makes me want a break from people but maybe speaking to real people i like would be better. by trying to protect the state im in and want to maintain, it ends up taking away where I was. and shuts me down.
I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together. I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have.
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing.
i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another.
so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too.
was able to finish tidying and get ready for work
why there is so much pain.
why there is so much pain.
I understand that emotions come from somewhere and have a reason. i know where all my trauma and pain comes from. i know why i have emotional crisis. and why i have the defensive behaviors i have. but i dont know why i STILL am feeling and traumatized by everything thats ever happened to me.. why all the things ive ever felt affect me every day. why my emotions are so overwhelming, uncontrollable and unmanageable. why they pile on and grow beyond reasonable for the situation. i have processed everything that has ever happened to me. many times. on many levels. and yet the pain is still here. the pain has always been there. i have always been discontented. up and down. always in agony for no reason. life isnt that bad for me, but it hurts to exist. ive always felt bad for feeling se depressed and fucked up when my life isnt as bad as it is painful. everything is even more painful at the moment due to my isolation. i withdrew cause of trauma and hurt and repeated relationship failures and my bpd characteristics ruining relationships. but now im so far from reality and bpd has taken over so much, i dont feel capable of forming healthy relationships, or coping with them while they occur. all the evidence i have shows me that any relationships will end anyway. and when it ends it could hurt so bad and could ruin my life for over 5 years and i believe i would probably die if i got my heartbroken again. all this means im now too scared to interact with people. i have no confidence in myself with other people and no belief or trust in other people that they wont destroy my life. when the pain is bad at the moment, i dont feel like i can survive life another day. every moment. every task. every second i have to keep doing things for myself, brings me closer to wanting to never do any of it again. i hate life. i hate what life is. what we have to do. what survival is. its shit for everyone. but at least most people have someone to help them. a physical person in their life they can have on going conversations with, a company to work for, family members nearby, someone or something to share the weight and responsibility of life with. or they could just so conditioned/trapped/blind that they can actually be happy existing in their lives in this world, with a shit job and shit family and shit beliefs, caring about what they are told they should. but my whole life is about me. me surviving, on my own for me. work only for me. art only for me. activities only for me. living, only for me. and yes. that is the “point of all it”, we only have ourselves, our lives should be lived for ourselves, etc etc. but myself doesnt want to. i hate life. i dont want to do life for me. id rather i didnt. i want to find a way out. i need to find a way to survive outside the system that exists that is killing humanity. i tried a way out on my own and it has driven me mad. i thought i had someone to forge our own path with. but that wasnt ever to be. i cant do it alone. as a solo female i am too vulnerable to do so much of what i want to. i am so limited by my physicality. i cant do things in public without being approached. i cant go out at night. and also you need someone to teach you dangerous or new shit. im not gonna go climb, or get on a dirt bike or ski out in the wild on my own for the first time. id probably die. im not enough. im not enough for me to live for. im not enough to enjoy life. im not enough to do the things i want to do. i dont care enough about my life. there is nothing i want. nothing i enjoy any more. nothing i can do on my own. ive kinda done it all anyway. ive done so much. i want a break. like i dont want to see new things for a bit. i have travel fatigue. ive dont everything on my own. i used to love it. but im over it. im tired. i need help. i want someone else to see me and my life and want to be a part of it.
im so so so confused about who i am now. take away bpd and i dont exist. take away people and i dont exist. my personality was bpd traits. im anxious continously. always on edge. always worried. nervous. always on the verge of tears. and on the verge of a burst of rage. i think about how i wish i didnt exist all the time. i belive i cannot survive life. i dont want to survive life. i dont see it as possible. i dont want the moment to pass, the emotion to pass, this too shall pass. i am so sick of everything changing and passing all the time. it never stops. this too shall pass isnt a relief, its the cause of my pain. the constant unknow changing of everything i am, feel, think, do, want. i cant take it any more. and mindfulness, all i am really doing is ignoring the reality of how much i hate living. trick yourself moment by moment that everything is alright. like the dog in the middle of the fire meme. or mom saying the fire is lovely when it had gone out. the bigger picture isnt ok, and by saying right now is ok, you are missing that actually i cant stand existing. i dont like anything any more. and even if i do its only for the moment im doing it. my life is so only about the fucking moment that each moment has to be constantly doing shit, aware, doing the right thing. it never ends. you cant get to a point and take a break from it all, or be finished. life and all its crap and changes never ever stops. you always have to do dishes. you alwyas have to buy new shit. you always have to eat right and excersize. you always have to work. cause as soon as you stop it all goes away. uyou cant enjoy it. you just have to fucking do it all. non stop. forever. and i wont, cant, dont want to. i didnt sign up for this. its not fair. this isnt my choice. cool yeah everyone is inthe same boat, but for some reason i can see things most people cant and i cant do it. i cant bring myself to exist in this world. cause my probelms arent all internal. they are the real world too. every single thing about the whole planet is wrong. everything. everything is one stu[id decision on top of another, made by stupid, un informed, biased, men for control of the masses, power and money, over and over, till we have got to this hell we exist in today. where every single part of our lives is completly unnatural. we have never ever beeen so un human. and its shows everywhere. in mental health. physical health, adictions, gun crime, community, family, every single part of our lives is broken. as well as what we have done and are gonnna keep doing to the planet and to me how deeply entwined that is with how deeply i know we arent living as humans should. and i feel that pain on a daily basis. part of my suffereing is from not living int he way nature intended. and i now know, in my bones, soul, animal nature, instinct, what my body and soul needs and how the world should be for us all to be able to have that. and it kills me that i cant have it, wont ever have it, and most people cant even comprehend it. and do i really wanna get into the sex part of myself. everything i believe about the whole of sex, sex work, everything that exists around sex, is entirely ad odds with what our current reality is and i can see how far ahead of my time my thinking is. and i doubt the mainstream will ever catch up to my understanding of sex and intimacy and sex work. and how that all ties back into our natural human needs. this means i dont, cant and probably wont ever have the sexual and intimiate relationships i know i want and need. let alone knowing that i am abhorent to most people because of my beliefs. this knowledge about how my body needs touch and the intimacy it needs, the sexual relationships and kind of sex i need and know is natural makes my body, soul and mind ache and scream for what it can never have. my body hurts from not being interacted with how it should. i am living out of my time. and it is agony. i cant just learn to cope with my mental health. i have to learn to cope with being me in the world that currently exist. however if i am to ever do anything to be able to survive life, exist, share my ideas, knowledge, art and life, then i am going to need to be able to over come bpd in my relationships and learn how to have healthy ones. that means first i need to learn how to cope with my emotions, learn how to move past all the past trauma, hurt, mistrust and handle the real world and living in the world i hate. handle my ups and downs, the changes and flow of life. learn how to motivate my life, work and creativity, figure out who i actually am and who i am bringing to any future relationships and manage my depression and anxiety, before i can think about meeting people and beggining to relieve some of the agony that is coming from existing purly for myself when i dont want to.
This Is Americaaaaa
I wanted to write about lonliness but i just got so angry and hate every one that i dont think I can. I am at walmart for the night and this fucking cunt just parked next to me in this junk old rig and left their noisy ass engine running which then reminded me that the same junk ass looking rv woke me up at 5 o fucking clock the other day by having the same earth shaking, piece of shit engine running for half an hour. at 5 o fucking clock. how are people so fucking inconsiderate and ignorant.This whole country is just inconsideration and ignorance. I dont think i can stand it much longer. the people are so fucking awful it has ruined my whole life. its fucked up my mental health. i got abused. mulitple times. friendship over here is a joke. money goes out faster than it comes in and every single person over here is lying about what they are really like. the whole nation is blind to itself. ohhhh we are so caring and christian and friendly and kind. No they arent, They are the exact opposite. they would step on anyone in a second to get one over for themselves. Dont tread on me. Dont fuck me over cause im fucking you over. dont stop me being a ignorant cunt who steps on everyone else. freedom. americaaaa. yeah this isnt what real life is like. you know. in civilised countries. like england and basically the whole of europe. even the aussies arent as fucked up as americans. aussies are actually open and genuine. its not a front like in america. aussies dont have toxic masculinity. they are just masculine. americans are so fucking insecure that everything here is toxic. its such a trashy. selfish. ignorant, idividualitstic, me first, fuck everyone else society. even people with money are trash. this country doesnt even begin to understand the concept of class. or civility. manners. appropriate public behaviour. they are sooooo fucking glad they arent regulated and fight against it so hard when anyone tries, but this is what happens when you let a massive group of uneducated, primitive people do what they want. its a fucking shit show. everyone shitting on everyone else. America has sucked the life out of me. it has nearly killed me, cause im real and sensitive and i actually care about the general wellbeing of all human beings.i believe in our fundamental nature. and this is place is the opposite of all that. every part of life here denys the fundamental human nature. everyone is suppressed from birth so the people can be controlled, to be good workers, to fit into the machine designed to keep them in their place. take away all natural human need and pleasure and replace it with toxic, limiting, suppressing and unachievable things. and then they are told off for not being better. even if they are the most succesful people in the world. drag them down. and then wonder why they are all so empty, anxious, fat, miserable, sick, murderous, abusive, divided and unsatisfied. the whole culture, system, society, every part of american life is abusive. abused people abusing others cause thats is what they had to go through, so everyone else should too. that is why i am the way i am now. im so used to people fucking me over cause they have been fucked over, that i am doing it too. like as simple as that stupid shitty rv. they dont care about disrupting anyone else cause they have been disrupted by someone. so fucked everyone. its happend to me and i was mad, so im gonna do it cause clearly no one gives a fuck. and that is where i am getting to. i can do it in some ways. like im the crazy lady shouting at people in the store or the dmv. but i dont like intruding on other people with my music, the way i dress, where i park, everything about how i live. cause im british and you just dont do that. its rude and uncouth. and in england people dont aspire to be trash. like they do here. soooo fucking proud or being poor, undeducated, ignorant, shitty people. everyone fighting so fucking hard to soothe their egos. overly defending themselves cause subconciously they know how shit they are. everything is insecurity. toxic masuclinity. military pride. patriotism.rasicm, white trash,big houses, things, money, status. America is a teenage country in relation to the rest of the world and it basically is a teenage boy. a fat, ugly, dumb, ignorant, sheltered, fad obsessed teenage boy, that no girl likes. even the people who are “woke”, awakened, enlightened, spirtual. all that crap. they arent. they are still american. coded from birth. even if they break through some, or lots of that, they still live here and function in this country, there is no way they have broken through all their conditioning. and it shows. gotta dress a certain way. use certain language. perform your identity. in the certain way, that screammmmms un authenticy and no idea about what enlightenement or awareness is at all. gotta be part of the group. even if youre different. yall gotta be different together. ew. i realised that last night. that is why i dont have a group of friends, never have and never wanted one. i dont want to be with a group of peope who are all the same. its super cringy to me to be the same as other people. all dress the same, perform the same interests in the same way. its great to have one person like that. that is what i always want. but being in a big group where there are lots of them like that just never held apeal.
ok now ive gone off the rant, vering towards lonliness. but its late and im tired so im gonna go to bed instead of writing that. at least i got some shit off my chest. and enjoyed free writing. so i can do that more. oh look now im writing about writing. every single thing i do becomes meta. eyeroll.
without sex i am nothing.
without sex i am nothing. i am sat in the library crying cause my body is aching to be touched so badly. Its all ive wanted for the longest time now, like a month. is to just spend time in bed with someone. to feel my skin on someone. to have sex over and over. to be held. and touched. to kiss someone. to have someone touch me like they love my body and what it can do. i feel sick right now.. its so painful i want to vomit. its entirely all consuming. a few hours, a day, a night, isnt enough. i need days to open up and relax and unwind and connect.
laying down with someone i like is when i am happy. peacful, content. no mind. doing what i am supposed to be doing. it is my purpose. and without it i have nothing i like or enjoy. i dont exist.
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