Autobiography Archives - Page 2 of 3

Connecting

I just spent the last week catching up on sex i didnt get to have over the winter and I find myself experiencing a lack of satisfaction and a lingering feeling of discomfort, and unfortunately not the physical kind of discomfort i can get after some serious dicking. At first glance I seem to have gotten exactly what I was after. Friday night I met up with a boy in this town Ive seen a few times now. We have good interesting experimental sex and conversations. The sex was a little less exploritory this time as weed and conversations kept getting in the way. And after 4 months with only one dick, one time, there was a disctinct lack of cock inside me for what I was craving. But it was ok, I had more plans and I was meeting him and his girlfriend the next night for a threesome, so I took this as a warm up. I had lots of orgasms, i think. I dont really remeber as we got wild high. But I get orgasms, so i assume i had lots. In the morning before he went to work I got him to give me a proper dicking, so that was a nice few minutes before he rushed off to work. I knew the threesome thing wasnt 100% even though we had extended the hotel another night for them, as, well, people are people. Ideas are great till it comes time to do it. So I thought it was worth getting some back up dick in that day, while I had the hotel to myself, to make sure I got the dicking I wanted to in that hotel, after looking forward to it for the last sex starved month. I found a boy on tinder who I thought was worth it. Its a fairly hard to describe the process of decisions that lead me to decide who I will meet or even talk to. Its much more of a sense. A mutual rhythm. Using my intuition. A bit of online stalking. Schedules lining up. Equivalent energy. I can go weeks or months without finding someone I align with. Then boom it happens and Ive usually met them within a few hours to a couple of days. Anyway, he was one of them. Ish. Cause I really just wanted dick. I dropped a lot of the filters I usually use and focused on his face. It was really good. Butttt as I hadnt used my other filters, when I met him, I saw all the signals I had missed and would usually have picked up on and moved on from. But it was fine. I was high as fuck and gettting off on the idea id just ordered this boy over to my hotel to use his pretty face and dick. I giggled while we smoked in the bus and he talked about some shit. I wasnt listening. I was giggling thinking of how cute his face was and how I just wanted to take advantage of him. I grinned thinking of how in control I was and how I would be fucking him soon. Taking joy in objectifying him while he carried on talking about some other shit. He wasnt a 10, or anything close, he was kinda weird, but I wasnt looking for a connection. I wanted a good fucking. After drawing out the talking and flirting to the point of awkwardness, I jumped on him. I dooo like making them wait, even though I knew already it was on and I didnt need any convincing or connection before hand. In fact only one I can remeber has had enough balls to just come and meet me and take me immediately for a long time. They normally happily (probably not really) sit around talking about some deep shit for hours before we establish enough of a mutual understanding to move forward physically. Which Im getting pretty sick of, which is basically what this story is about me unpacking. So ill get back to the narrative to finish the story before I explore the point of it. Basically, finishing the aside, the 20 year old who came in the bus the first time meeting me and just grabbed me and kissed me was fucking amazing. This dude wasnt that. So eventually I jumped on him. And he was actually really sexy. I was happily suprised. He had good moves. I dont remeber his kissing or cock tho. That sex amnesia! I blame it on my god like ability to be super present in the moment so that time and space no longer exist and i am only sensation. I have no body parts, I am just a quantity of energy experiencing pleasure. My body moves without direction. I have no brain. I become animal. My vagina is the drivver of my body. Ecstacy its motivation. There is no bed, no room, no tomorrow. There can be another entitiy there with me or I can be experiencing it entirely alone. However the people I feel i can bond with are the ones who can have the same experience of sex. I also hope for some I have facilitated a space to explore that with no judgement. But that was just supposed to be a quick point about why i dont remeber this boys cock. It could also be cause I saw a lot this week! The first sex was good and long. The second was less good. Cause I got way too tempted to let his cock slip inside me for a second before I put the condom on cause Im really selfish in bed and the combination of the pre sex teasing, the naughtiness of not using a condom and the sensitibity of my pussy, I can come instantly from that. Which is exactly what happened. I had planned on whipping it out, shoving a condom on it and carry on fucking him for a while. However, me cumming made him pull out and cum all over my leg. Which was frustrating on so many levels. First and foremost, that he was that close to cumming inside of me, when i was just trying to cop a sneaky feel of his dick. (yes I know I am not in a position to blame him for this, but i was mad). Also the post no condom moments tend to feel worse than the pleasure gained from the taboo kink I experience in the moment. And then also that meant no more orgasms for me. So I said I had to work, which I did. And sent him on his way. He wanted to meet again. But I did not. I worked for a bit on cam and then got ready for the couple to come over. I was super nervous as Id never been in this situation before. It was like being set up on a date with a fuck buddies girlfriend. It wasnt like that, it was that. However I know life isnt porn so I also knew that sex might not even happen. I knew they wanted to talk about some potential porn ideas and that we would all have a lot to talk about anyway as I find them very interesting. So I was open to have whatever needed to happen, happen. We texted a bit when they were on their way about how nervous we all were, which was cute. Then eventually, they arrived. She was gorgeous. Like beyond. So totally different than i imagined her. We ended up sitting on the bed and got chatting. And we got deep pretty quickly. What they ended up needing was a space to talk about some ideas they had with each other, but with a third, non judgemental party, to mirror themselves back to each other, in the room. And it was lovely. I got to help two amazing people realize things about themselves and each other that will create positive growth for them as individuals and the relationship they are navigating. She did end up getting cross faded and vomited the last couple of hours till they managed to leave. Which is totally my fault as I kept handing her the vape pen cause she seemed to be enjoying it so much. After they left I smoked a bit more and watched some arrested development, content despite it being such a different experience.

I am battling so hard with myself right now about what to write about what is next. I want to write that I dont want to write about it. I also want to say it was too gross to talk about. But it wasnt at all. At the time it was lovely. But right now. Gross. I seem to have gained this retrospective disgust over mens looks. When I look back at someone I fucked a few days later, I have started to sometimes feel repulsed I let them have sex with me. Despite even feeling a connection at the time. And desire. But when all that is gone I am dissapointed with my standards. That is kind of another theme of this musing on all the sex I had. I think I have this for like 3 of the 4. To differeing degrees. Which is why Im looking into my motivations for sex through this story, see what mistakes im making. See what isnt serving me and what isnt helping me grow and move past it so i am able to have more positive and healthy sexual relations in the future. Before the sex drought I had sex with two boys. One did the post sex revulsion thing to me. The other didnt. I swore I wouldnt let that happen again. I thought Id understood the level i needed. But I think I have still underestimated my new standard. I dont know if this standard has arrisen from a deeper self worth, from my self love and understanding growing so intense, or from having been spoilt over the years with getting to fuck the hottest men ive ever seen. But my standard now is high. But that makes it so hard to get sex.. And I dont get any where near the amount of sex i want or need as it is, without having to adhere to my standards aswell! This is why i miss legal sex work. I got all the sex I needed and wanted and wasnt grossed out by the men cause they were balancing the equation with cash. I like to be able to look back on the men Ive fucked and still get a boner over them. Like the 20 year old. And sometimes they are still hot but go batshit crazy. Like sectioned crazy. So I wouldnt fuck them again. But still. They were Hot. Boner.

So now Ive softened the blow/made it way worse, I will say, in retrospect, I dont love what follows. I dont want to detail it really. ill bash it out and see what happens. The next one i spoke to the night before. we spoke again the sunday morning and made plans to meet. he/she was interesting sexually and had similar interests to talk about. we met. i ate food. we talked good shit. it was interesting. we went back to the bus. I had parked in the transit center. Which is where we fucked. I got to fuck him in the ass with my strap on. I wanted to get what I wanted out of it cause he wanted to “groom” each other and some sensual shit. It ended up being sex. Pegging then sex. With his tiny finger penis. I feel so bad being mean about it. I was nice in the moment. He is still a decent human adn the intereaction was valid and real. but. it just wasnt hot. We cuddled and sexed again before he left. That will do.

I parked up at walmart for the night and ate cake to recover. The next morning I went and bought a new phone holder for the window of the bus. when i was back in the bus fixing it, i noticed a boy in a van in the spot in front of me. He looked pretty cute, so i messed around with the phone holder for about 15 minutes longer than i needed to while i watched him and we smiled and waved at each other. I went back in the bus and was getting ready to drive off when he came over and asked if i wanted to smoke. His giant dog came in the bus and I did really well at being totally fine with it. We smoked a few bowls, a joint and chatted and laughed for a a few hours about life on the road mostly. And he was way cuter than Id thought when I saw him out the window. I was crushing on him. But he had to go to work. We swapped numbers and said we would meet up again. I was super excited and like a teenager for the rest of the after and was super excited about seeing him again. I got to my favorite spot here in this area and let him know where I was. He ended up getting off work early to come out and meet me. This was about 9pm on the Monday. I was cooking dinner, so we ate and talked for a while. There were about 3 or 4 awkward silences that could have been filled with me making a move, but I was making sure he was wanting me to! Eventually I climbed onto his lap and kissed him. We spent the next 40 hours naked in the back of my bus, smoking, talking, eating, sexing. I had a lotttt to tell him about what to do and not to do with my body. It was hard work at times, but he was trying and geting better and better. He took all my constructive critism so well. I do like giving people a hard time when I like them, its a english thing. So I teased him about the things I was trying to get him to change too! It takes a certain type of character I value highly, to not take yourself too seriously and to laugh along with someone pointing out a character or behavioural flaw. I need people around me to be self aware and to not have strong or fragile egos. There were moments when I felt like i was using him to access the sexual meditation i described earlier. He wasnt used to a woman directing the sex so didnt know how to react to it. It felt like he was just letting it happen to him. Which is exactly what I think a lot of sex is like for men. As women let sex happen to them as that is the way it is meant to be. I knew my actions werent gettting him off and he didnt know how to access the supportive role I need from a man. I dont expect a stranger to be able to react to me or my body like that the first time we fuck. But I do like a man who can let go to the pleasure in the moment and not even worry about how to react to me. I would indulge myself for a bit when I felt him just recieving my sex, but would pull myself out of it to reconnect with him. His dick was nice. Biggest Ive had in a while. A nice handful. It didnt make me sore though. Which is perfect. His body was nice. A active human. Not skinny, some definition. He was sexy. I have a medium boner over him now. It was a really nice time. Lots of being cute and connecting. Cuddling and looking at each other. Some tears shed. Ive had a few of these type of experiences over the last year and I manifested this one into existence. I think I thought I was craving this type of deep connection. That just sex wasnt good enough unless its with a 12. So I needed this. And then it arrived at my door. I remeber talknign about how I had stopped valuing “connections” a couple of years ago, with Kate, cause I connect with everyone. And that is kind of how I feel after this weekend. There was so much sharing. So much connecting and explaining. So many valuable conversations. That they start to loose their value.

Now Im craving a 12 that wont really even talk to me. Lets connect over sext about how hot we are. Then come let me worship at the alter of male perfection. I want to lick 8 abs. And a sex V. I want tanned smooth skin. I want some shitty tattoos. I want groomed body hair. I want soap and aftershave. I want to show off all the skills ive learned to try and be the best sex hes ever had, even if im not the hottest. Cause he is so hot he would get any woman in the world. I want my body used and manipulated for the male pleasure it was designed for. Revel in the pleasure I want to give.

Its like some kind of in built animal hiarachy in me. Lesser physical specimines of men than myself are there to serve me and my pleasure, give me orgasms, listen to and adopt my suggestions, behave. But men I am lesser than make me want to serve them. To be the provider or orgasms, the performer of pleasure. Dont get me wrong. Give me a 12 that wants to do exactly the same shit as me anyyyday. But that is some unicorn fantasy bullshit I wont even entertain the idea of for the pain it would bring me every day that it isnt in my life.

Or maybe all this is, is sex addiciton? Always needing new, more, different. Ive had my fill and thrill of “connecting” and now I need hot sex and weirder sex. Or it could just be the natural fluctuations of my sexuality and needs? Sometimes im loving and open, sometimes im hard and mean.

I dont want to feel bad about anyone I have sex with. But I cant find a balance of keeping my standards to what i enjoy and getting enough sex to keep me mentally and physically healthy. This week has been a trial and error review of trying to find what i need. I feel blank and empty. Drained. I dont feel sexually satisfied. Nor aesthetically satisfied. I feel like i had a low standard version of everything ineeded. and that doesnt feel good. and it doesnt make me feel nice sayimg it. I cannot express enough how this isnt any reflection on the people i spent time with. this is just my experience of an interaction with them and its impact on me. I still value these people for who they are and the time they spent with me and what they gave me. I am not saying they are lesser than me. I am exploring how I am not valuing the connection, that was real, as highly in my needs to be satisfied. I am not unaware that connection and giving is a two way street and for some people, especially males, its much harder for them to give, than a woman who does it professionally. But it wouldnt be fair to me to write something that isnt true. If i did that, this whole thing would be pointless.

This is ultimately the journey I am on in life. One of finding the sexual balance in my life that works. I continue to explore what I enjoy, need, value and want. And hopefully after I regain my energy from the last week, I will be able to understand more than I did before it.

Painful to read. Agony to share. But a adreniline rush to do.

Stream Of Consciousness

Devolving into dating app memoir.

I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done.

Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always had sex amnesia. I forget what happened after its finished. And then i forget what their penises were like. On cam i forget what show we did. They all just blur into one.

I wonder if i should write about how i find the sex i do. How im the hunter.how i choose.

The high failure rate. Potential bio to fix it. Ultimately a new kind of dating app to be made.

I have been using dating apps and websites to find sex for about 12 years now. I never really used them for dates. Sometimes id go through phases thinking i wanted dates, but really i just wanted a certain level of respect to be gained/felt or earnt from my future partner before we had sex. Now i can comand that just with the sex act alone and never need the pretence of a date. I have also never looked for a relationship on them. I have found love on them. But i was never there for love. So i would say i have gained quite extensive knowlege and exerience of internet dating that i wish to share. Obviously it is just my experience from my perspective and privilidge position. That isnt nessersacry to disect. I just want to hold up a example of things that happen but dont get talked about in the hopes that when someone else feels the same they feel bolstered by someone else having felt or done it before, as well as titlate, entertain you, the wider audience, to question comonly held beliefs, and discuss potential ideas for progress.

I am going to have to have a good think about what my first online dating memory was. I think im remebering who it was. A boy called Tim. He liked snowboarding. I was living in my own flat in Camden in london at the time and it had already turned into a bit of a sex den. I seemed to be fucking a lot of people in secret at that point in my life and that worked out well as i seemed to be the obly person who lived alone in central london! Maybe that is why i had so amany men! Lol.

I think the first dating site i used was plenty of fish. I think. It had a reputation for being a hook up site. Perfect! I just checked my list and it was the night before my 26th birthday. I think we did the very traditional pizza and movie combo. Watching movies until we were litterally too tired and had to suggest going to bed….then we had sex. The few times after that were the same. As was most of the sex i was having at that time. Lots of sitting around watching things till it was too late to have any real fun as you were both too tired. To be fair that has happened recently too. Just with more talking rather than watching things.

After the first time i realised it wasnt just weirdos online, there were plenty of people like me looking for sex too. The next experience was one of my only bad experiences ive had from online dating. There was a long build up. He was deployed in the army abroad. Eventually i found out he had a wife and child. But he decided to come to London to visit me before he flew back home to see them. I was a differnt person then and put all the responsibility for cheating on the person with the partner. We had swapped pictures, but we hadnt skyped. Well. Despite having spent about a month talking to him when i finally met him outside kentish town train station he was nothing like i expected. He was shorter, shinier, sweatier, taughter, tenser. He oozed military, ridgid. We went back to my place and we started the usual pizza and movie night. However at some point i realised i couldnt stand him. Like couldnt physically be around him. But as he was apparently on a transfer back from Afgahnistan and his flught home wasnt till the next day, i didnt feel like i could kick him out. Instead, i tried a unique tac. I faked cyctitis. I used to get it pretty bad fairly oten and wouldn have to just sit in the bath to ease the pain. So i told him a bout had just kicked in and i had to sit in the bath. I sat in there for hours.. The pizza arrived, i stayed in there and ate it in the bath. Eventually i got out when i thought he would be too tired to want to hang out more. We went to bed. And he wasnt too tired. So we had awkward, stiff, hard, souless sex. In the morning we did it again i think. Eventually it was time for him to leave. When he got to the airport his flight had been delaued and asked if he could come back for a few hours. I faked some plans and stopped replying to his messages.

I had been so aware of the potential dangers of “online dating” when it was first emerging and I was embarrased to have had a bad experience and silly for not getting it right myself. It wasnt however, put off. I just learned, military men arent for me, I need to skype with people before i meed them to see what they actually look like and not to fuck men cheating on wives.

I was in england for about 6 months longer after that, using plenty of fish. I ended up meeting 5 poeple during that time. One was the reason i ended up leaving engand and travleling australia.

The first 6 months in australia i didnt use dating apps. Travelling, partying and australia were the perfect combination to find me plenty of amazign men to fuck whenever i wanted. I thin i got back on plenty of fish in november of 2011 cause i had crashed a moped and was bed bound for a while. I hate going without dick when i want it, so i started cruising online again. I

I managed to find a few guys in each place i went. Adding that to all the men i would meet in real life, my number from pre aus to post aus doubled. I moved to vegas next and back on plenty of fish. I wanted more options here so branched out onto match.com but soon found it way too much work, fielding all the messages from basically all the men on the site.

By novemebr 2013 Tinder had entered my life. Everything became infinitely easier. Only getting messages from men that i acutally found attractive was a massive leap forward in my experience online

so I would say i have a pretty good knowledge and experience of how to internet date.

Welcome To Me

I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience.

I am a woman who has taken part in all aspects of sex work for 8 years, who studied and wrote her dissertation on female sexuality in the 21st century at University of London, who has had nearly 400 partners, been in love at least 8 times, has been married, and divorced, has had 500+ professional sexual experiences, and 8 years of webcam work interacting with and giving orgams to hundreds of thousands of men will all kinds of kinks, interests, penises, sexuality and personality. If my experience was in any other field I would be able to proudly claim my expertise. If sex and sexual women weren’t still so suppressed, then people with actual experience would be the ones writing about it. I could proudly share my experience and knowledge without fear of anyone saying I’m less human, less intelligent, less worthy, because of it. I would be respected for the depth of my knowledge, time dedicated to and insight into the topic. So that is why I am going to share everything I know. Because living a sexual life is very different to looking at it from the outside and theorizing about it. I am no longer an idea or theory. I am a real woman who has lived a richly sexual life and wants to progress sexual understanding based of my extensive and valuable personal experience.

17th December

im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health issues. i didnt know how i would feel from one minute to the next, let alone, days or weeks away. i didnt know why i was feeling the way i was, or if it would ever stop or go away. i could barely exist for almost three years. id have days where i would feel like a normal person, happy, optimistic, id make plans, id feel like i knew who i was somewhat, in that moment. but then out of nowhere i could end up in bed, hysterically crying, panicking and really not knowing if id make it through the next 30 minutes. i felt like a spaceman whos line had been cut and was drifting into the nothingness of space, disconnected from reality and slipping further and further away.

i dont want to cut a long story short, but my journey out of that isnt the point right now, so i will just say that over the past year with many daily hours of deep work on myself, the fear, uncertainty and unfamiliarity with myself has faded. i didnt think id ever be able to just be me and be happy. i didnt think id ever know who i was or why i was the way i was. so the understandings of myself, who i am, what i want in life, what i believe of life and how i am choosing to live it, that i am having now, are even more exciting and important to me than they could ever have been. i was mentally and emotionally at rock bottom. i used to be so sure of myself, so passionate, so me. not only does the fact that ive come so far embolden me, but the fact that what has emerged as my passions, beliefs, interests, morals, future plans and vision of my future, all line up with and are richer more developed versions of where i was 4 years ago. maybe i needed to be knocked down in order to learn the strength of my passion and belief in my life path. it is not a easy one and i am going to have to be strong. but it sure is exciting for me at the moment. it is even more important for me to be true to myself, now i have a deeper understanding of, and connection to, who i am and how to keep developing myself.

4/5th December

There really isnt anything like the feeling i am getting now i am starting to understand and love myself. i know who i am. I see who i have been. i know what i like. i know where i am right now. i am greater than the sum of my parts. there are no parts. its all me. all the things ive been, the lives ive lead and experiences ive had arent all past, obsolete, different people. they are all in me. i am everything i have learnt and done. i am more experienced now than i have ever been as i am just older than i have ever been. but now i can draw it all together and know my self better than ever and welcome back into the present, all the girls i said goodbye to, or never felt connected with in the past, have all come back inside my brain and are me. i felt so lost and confused before. i felt as if my life was a series of disjointed, unconected events that could often conflict with everything i thought previous to that new experience. i felt like i had been lots of different people and that once one was gone, they were no longer part of me. not something to draw from and learn from. but to discard and then start again from scratch in a totally different way. once i got to the point where i knew i couldnt make the same mistakes again i have been working to learn from past me’s. learn who i am. what i like. what i really want. what actually makes me happy. what i really need. what my priorities are. to find out what it is like to be me. to just exist. with nothing. to sit, still inside and out and to be content. i have stripped my life down. and i am happier than ever.

i love myself. i knew that was a big part of becoming who i wanted to be and what i have been consciously working on for the past couple of years. i have to be me forever. i had to be honest with myself about who i am really, the dark parts, and see how i felt about that person. instead of changing the parts of myself that i have found uncomfortable and been battling with my whole life, i learnt to understand, forgive, accept and eventually love those parts of me as much as all the stuff ive been ok with all along.

12th December

i havent finished any of my writing in the past few weeks so i havent posted anything. i was sick for a couple of weeks after san fran and it threw me off. and im also driving across the country for the first time so a lot of my brain is being taken up just taking in all the sights and new information and driving. i just parked at rutherford beach in Louisiana. its beautiful. white sand, lapping waves, oil rigs on the horizon and no one around. i came down here to try to earn some money on webcam and do some writing and just be settled somewhere for a couple of days. ive driven 2500 over the last 4 weeks and havent stayed in the same place for more than 2 nights. i just want to stop!!! Bus life is about being able to travel but i havent stopped driving since i got her. i am exhausted. the plan was to settle down into a routine of going off to a spot for a week or two then moving via a town to pick up supplies and interact with people. this has not happened. ive also decided exactly how i want my life to be now in terms of making money, where i want to spend my time, how to use my money, basically how to have the life i have wanted for a long time. i got side tract from it for the past few years but i know what i want again now. but i have to wait a few months before i can put it in to practice. which is very frustrating for me. because im all about immediate gratification. i act on my ideas. i dont wait and plan. so im feeling a bit frustrated and trapped. i dont like not being able to do what i want, when i want. which is why i chose this life style. anyway. despite feeling frustrated and trapped i am super excited about it and really looking forward to things getting even better in the future. i really, really want this life i have planned. its not far from what i have right now and its nothing i havent done before, except in different places. it encompasses so much of what is important to me in life. i feel like i have a talent, a calling and passion for something that can make my life the way i want it, while pursuing all the things that matter to me in life. i would be living authentically as myself, completely true to myself. Authenticity and Wisdom are the things i pursue in life. More so than money, material things or relationships. I am trying to gain it through self-awareness and observation of experiences i have, of myself, of the world, and other people. Stretching myself to understand more every day. i want to experience everything and understanding myself to the point where i can operate most authentically as myself within the world in a way that best serves how i choose to live, but with a deep understanding of how the world operates around me and for other people. im pretty excited to earn money in a way i believe in again! from the last 6 months ive found i dont need money for stuff. if i earn money again i dont want more things. i just want to collect it so i have it for when i want to do things. i want to use money as a facilitator. the simplicity of my life doesnt need to change. but it can get easier. it would actually be simpler. i wouldnt have to worry about how i would make money for the things i really need, like i do now.

i think ive started to feel uncomfortable with what i am writing because i fluctuate on how open i want to be, how all-encompassing, whether i should separate things out, keep things to myself, censor what i write. who am i writing it for and what am i saying it for. i want it to be for me. but it is so hard to let go of the worry of judgement. of who i am, how i live, what i do, how i write, what i say, that i even say anything out loud. i have to battle between the ego and the artist when i am writing. the artist wants authenticity, the ego wants to be liked. the artist wants to show it all, hold it up for inspection. the ego wants to show things in their best light. the artist doesnt want feedback and just wants to create for herself. the ego needs reassurance, acceptance and a positive reception from others. i guess ive always enjoyed saying things i shouldnt and being the odd one out.

im going to log onto skype in a bit, after ive had a walk, to see if i can make any money any more. i only really want to do Domme shows at the moment. i am totally over faking my enjoyment for men and i dont enjoy most of the stuff i have to do on cam any more. i would much rather just do things in real life. cam for me is authentic and enjoyable when i get to do roleplay and domination. i enjoy watching and controlling, not performing. but most people want me to perform for them on webcam, thats the nature of it. so i have to accept i wont make money easily like this. which i have, as i know i have a better plan lined up! i should stop writing, so a, i finish a piece. and b, so i can actually try to do some work!

December 3rd, Sunday

i’m topless on the roof of my bus on the desert in arizona. i finally left california today on my way to miami. i spent a week in san fran in the end. i had 4 days of fun and 3 days of being exhausted and sick. i spent 2 nights parked at fishermans wharf which was noisy, a couple of nights parked around the tenderloin, which was noisy, and then a couple down on the ocean front. i had sex with 6 people. i went on a nice hike along the bay to the golden gate bridge. and i started cooking my own food again.

sf is definately where i can go back to if i ever need to find people with like minded sexualities. ive never encountered so many straight men who want to suck cock openly. half the people on tinder have “poly” or “pan” somewhere in their bio. and i got to fulfil several fantasies

i started writing a post about my first nights in sf, so i will go back and carry on with that and then write about the others

Nihilism

I hope the world and every fucking person on it burns and dies. Life is a fucked up trap and if you dont play along you dont survive. i guess that means i wont be surviving much longer. fuck you fuck everyone fuck life. life is a fucking illusion. you are born to make money for other people. live other peoples ideas of what is right and wrong. there is never ever true freedom. we live in a fucking game. this isnt living. this is fucking gross.

Black Friday

Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.

I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.

The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.

I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.

i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.

Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.

and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.

20th November

I’ve had quite a quiet few days. I spent a lovely 24 hours with Sarah from friday afternoon. We had a hike around a park, got me some free maps, made dinner and watched Grimm. I parked up at hers too and spent the night in the bus there. We hung out more the next day too, Saturday morning. She cooked me French Toast which was delicious. We got on so well. I have no older female friends. And barely ever get to spend time with normal women. Well Sarah isnt normal! She is fantastic. We connected a lot about how we cope in the world and how we try to survive. I always believe i meet the right people at the right time and vice versa. I think we have both come away with alot to think about and a renewed confidence in the path we are taking with our lifes at the moment and the personal skills we are working on. I love connecting to open people through/on the simililarities in things you dont think anyone else experiences. When your crazy matches. It makes me feel a bit less crazy and a bit more valid.

After a week working on my new website and a day with my new friend I needed a couple of days off. I went back to the park Sarah took me to as its free at the moment and just parked up and watched Grimm. I didnt even go for a walk. When the park closed I parked up at some institute, thought it was like a college maybe, and settled in for the night. Around midn

Trying To Start

Argh I have stuff to do but i just need to write. i feel so good. yes. im pretty high but i have been having a lot of ideas, or thoughts this morning. i listened to a podcast about feminism and hear about Catherine Hakim and Economic Capital. She is everything I would say…..

…..I was trying to start writing about a feminist podcast that id been listening to and each time i re read it i needed to change it. i couldnt get it write. i cant get what i think in my head to make clear sense on the page. to a third person. that is what being good at writing must be. I cant communicate my ideas very well at all, but I can tell stories. Also formulating my own feminist theory isnt something I can probably bust out in half an hour in starbucks. so for now. I will only write about what i can comfortably enjoy re reading.

I felt like i had a million things to write when i came in and sat down, but trying to formulate that has left me much clearer headed. and less high. I think high time is ideas time and i need less thoughts when i write. all i did yesterday was sit in starbucks and build the website. it felt great. i was tired at the end of the day.

im supposed to be meeting someone here from tinder later, but ive already decided i dont want to. i missed that he had one of those faces that looks good in photos but not so much when its moving. its a thing. ive learnt to pick them out normally, but this conversation escalated to coffee invite before i got to fully check it out. Worst case though I talk to someone for an hour our so. I forget that most people dont expect immediate sex from a first meet! I think its cause more normal people are doing internet dating now, rather than it just being sex or marriage obsessed people, like it was 5 – 10 years ago. Im trying to remember now when my first online date was, when did I discover it. I might have to check my list. Ok. 30th June 2010. Tim. I remember him. We might even still be friends on Facebook. Plentlyoffish.com. My first tinder was 26th November 2013. Taylor. He was and is amazing. And I cant believe how many people i fucked in real life meeting!!!!! Out of my first 300, only FIFTEEN of them were off the internet! I literally cant believe it. But 30ish out of the last 45ish since my first tinder are off the internet. So the ratio of real life to internet changed dramatically! Ah the partying days. The Australia years. Ok. Work time.

November 15th

I didnt finish the last time I was writing. That wasnt even all of that day. I ended up going 40 miles south after to meet another guy. But he turned out to know how to take a good photo better than be a person i could stand being around. I just couldnt see how i saw what i did in the photos when I saw him in real life. A total let down. He was acting, and talking, exactly like an ex who did meth and heroin. He had no respect for my bus and was just so on edge. Within 15 minutes of meeting him I had to tell him I was too uncomfortable with him to carry on and had to take him back home. He was a bit better on the drive back but damn I was relieved to get him out my bus. So I drove to McDonalds and watched some TV and enjoyed my night alone.

Monday morning I drove down to Santa Rosa to get some cheap weed to keep me going a while and I started this. Then went for a drive around the area where the wildfires burnt all the homes, unintentionally, on the way to the park. It was devastating. Then I had a nice walk around the park and a dance up on a platform with a nice view. I went to AT&T to get my phone working again and good internet. I ate a early dinner at Chipotle and went and parked in the suburbs behind the main street for the night.

Tuesday was my 3 year wedding anniversary. Ive been divorced 1 year and 5 months. And I was in a great mood. Not because of that, but luckily I suppose, cause today isnt as perky. I didn’t have any grand plans. I came to Starbucks and did a broadcast on Live.Me. Made nothing. I did write up my resume though for the project/life experiment. Im feeling really good getting things down for once. I have to keep pushing. Just open the computer and do this. Then I ended up speaking to mom and dad for a few hours. I went for a walk in the park again and met a lovely lady while I was hanging upside down on exercise equipment. We just kept chatting away and I told her about the project and she told me its what her sister does and its called Abundance Exchange. I have googled it but cant find anything about a movement or a website, but that term is very good. It might help communicate my idea. I took her number and said we should do a walk around the park together in a few days and she was very happy. Its raining today so I am going to call her tomorrow morning or tonight and see if she fancies a walk tomorrow. I treated myself to a Panda Express dinner and a night of Grimm and joints. I talked to a couple of dead ends on Tinder and went to bed way too late.

Not feeling as bright today, so I put on some make up and have come to Starbucks to do some writing. Of course within being here 5 minutes the foreign guy sitting behind me just has to get up and hit on me. And then come back and talk again, and again, in increasingly more awkward exchange. So now I cant do live.me cause he is sat behind be and i cant really stop writing or look around for fear he is going to come talk to me.
There are a few matches on Tinder that I could potentially meet up with here but nothing is grabbing me yet. Its raining today so no hiking either. I plan to get some form of my project constructed today. Or at least started.

November 11th 2017

Testing. Working

Ok so i have a idea. Of what, of all, i can do with my time and myself at the moment and that is to exist and be me. I cant have a job. Im not doing bus life to move from job site to job site. I have learnt so much the last 3 months. And i am in such a good place right now. I want to start work on my website. I want to write what i do every day, so i can read it back. I want my voice to be one that is speaking to me. I dont have anything to say or anyone to speak for, a point to make. I just want to live my life and document it. I wouldn’t preach my ideas and thoughts on current affairs to myself in a diary. So that is how i will approach my writing. I am writing it for me. Also i have a idea of how to now get by in harmony with bus life. I want to offer my task based services. Along with writing what i am doing I will write what i need, what i want to build, where i am trying to get to, and see what services I can exchange for that help. I want to list my resume as a ridiculous collection of skills i can offer to anyone for anything. Just not jobs. Anything. taking a old lady for a walk, being a domme, gardening, a plus one for a event, someone to just get all your errands done when you dont have time, moving house, a extra pair of hands, someone to go to AA with you for the first time, someone confidential you can just talk at, a true task based personal assistant.

So today I started up on a property in Eureka, with a man and his two dogs. Iv been trimmming his weed since weds, but it was really shitty and took me like 3 days to make not even a pound and that meant I was making less than $50 a day. I had slept with him, as that was the arrangement, but it wasnt working for me. He was just not not the same page and his dogs were super annoying. And there was zero attraction on my part and zero ability on his part. So I decided to get out of there. I hate being around people I dont like. I get physically restrained, it hurts. My body is still all tense and sore now. But my head is in a way better place. I told him i was having a hard time cause it was the anniversary of a event, which it is, but that it was that that meant I had to get away and leave, right then and there. I just really want to be doing this how I want now. I am ready. But i do this all the time also . Writing it out and then never doing it. This isn’t a elaborate idea though. I just want to start by writing up my day each day.

I have driven about 150 miles south, back to Ukiah. I might see Ross tonight but he is being weird about being free or not. I only want to see him now cause im going. I want to go to the wilderness around Bakersfield. Also cause its the anniversary and im getting drawn there again. Its very strange. I can go into the lawyer office though. I think I drove all the way with just a pee break. Had a oil change up in Eureka and all my fluids topped up. Bussy is making some struggling noise but its a bit quieter now after that. But im aware with 3500 miles ahead there may be trouble. I dont quite know what im doing next now. Im parked in the In n out parking lot so i cant stay here. Ill probably go down to Walmart.

I definitely just ran away today. I couldnt work fast enough to make staying there and putting up with someone i dont like, and his dogs and have the lingering issue of more sex in the air, worth it. It wasnt worth it without the sex! Im not a fast enough worker. I gave that shit a go. I dont think im very good at it. Way too slow. And you have to work with people. And pay attention for more than five minutes at a time, which I struggle with!

The sky on the drive down was magical. I tried to do a live me broadcast, but full phone and bad service didnt make it work great. I want to rearrange the bus and get some black liners for the curtains. Re do the kitchen. Im gonna stay here till tomorrow or Monday cause there is a weed shop i need to go to in Santa Rosa on Monday. There is also a boy i wanna meet between here and there. So we will see.

Im done for now, this is hard!

Stepping back

After all the changes of plans and road blocks I have faced already I am gonna step back from sharing on social media and stop thinking of this as my time to be making art. I want to keep my own diary. And I want to settle into this lifestyle. I’m going to do proper hikes. And that’s about it. Do all the free things. Just keep doing. Lighten up again. I want to react like a reasonable human. Not let my BPD react for me. I think I want to just be a normal person for a while. Haha a normal abnormal.

i have so much to do

i have creativity pouring out of me at the moment. i have so many posts i want to write, things i want to write about and pieces i want to make. every day is just going to be a process of getting as much out as well as still taking in more and having new experiences. im so excited about the artistic journey ahead of me. my best friend said to me last night;

“some people have to live their life as art and be extreme and burn brighter than others to show people something about themselves. thats what i think of you when you are at your best. your most honest. and fearless. when you are doing things cos you love you not cos you hate you.”

it was the most beautiful, succinct summary of how i feel i need and want to live my life. it is a statement about me that im wildly proud of cause that is who i want to be and what i want to do. and it is why i am here, sharing all of this rawness with you. every single element of my life is curated by me to be exactly what i want and what I, think it should be. my life is the piece of art i am trying to capture through any media i see fit. i have fought for my right to live my life as i have. it hasnt been an easy journey. and its not going to be smooth sailing from now, far from it. but it sure as hell is worth it. and hopefully through me living my life to my fullest i can share things with people and help people in ways that i wouldnt if i had denied my calling and tried to fit in or live any other way than my authentic self.

at some point i will write a well edited, concise explanation of my concepts. the reasons i choose to put myself out there the way i do and why i share specifically what i do, is all intentional and hopefully at some point can be rounded up into a body of work that explores my passions and position in the world, and everyone can see it as the sum of its parts and its parts independently. until then, i hope you enjoy the process of me making and exploring, editing and adventuring.

post dedicated to a woman i cant wait to stay in touch with and watch grow the rest of my life. i love you.

i can see again

stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk:
It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He made me hate myself as much as he hated me. He gave me his eyes. I’ve been seeing myself and the world through his eyes. 3 years ago exactly to the day I moved in with him. Today. I can see again. I’ve got my eyes back. It’s the only way to describe it. I can see myself and everything I’ve ever done, that I’ve spent the last 3 years apologizing for and believing made me a bad person, who had been through and awful experience and had always been a victim. But with my eyes, the person I was before him, I am so so so happy. I am elated.I’m on my knees in a Forrest. Crying my eyes out. Over the realization that I have had exactly the life I’ve wanted and done everything I wanted and had a fucking great time doing it. And even with him. I did what I wanted by marring him and as soon as I realized what had happened to me, I got the hell away from him. That was strong, powerful. And right. I am everything I wish to be. I am the person I want to be. I am so proud of my achievements no matter how outside the box and fucking A moral they are. Cause that is who I am! I am not afraid of my sexuality and my otherness. They are who I am, what I stand for and what I live, love and die by. He threatened that. He even took it away for the last 3 years. But I am back. I can see again!
Edit: and now I just posted this , I am calm and content. Happy and relaxed. I feel whole.

i dont think im scared any more

i just had the most powerful walk in a while. ive been bed ridden for nearly a week. and from nowhere i got better. then today went for a walk and after a hour and half i realised. i am not scared any more. im not scared of people, what they may say to me, how i might react, what they think of me, how i feel about them, how they will affect my life, how they could change me or my path, of their good sides and their bads. im not scared of money, of work, of purpose, of lack of purpose. im not scared what im doing with my life or where i am going. im not scared to travel to the opposite side of the world and drop myself alone in the middle of nowhere to start my life again. my life didnt ever really stop. i had just gotten so used to being scared. everything was a threat. i had my defenses up. he put them up. and ive let them go. i dont know what happened. or why today….ok i have some inclings, but in order to get this out im not gonna go on and on and into it. i just have to acknowledge this. today i know what it feels like to not be scared of anything again. i dont need to live on the defensive. i just need to live the life of the person i want to be and to be seen the way i want to be seen, all i need to do is act the way i believe in.

starting

i am just going to write. right now i have nothing to write. but i dont see any other way out from where my life is at the moment. i have nothing else to offer except my stories, experiences and opinions. i need a creative output and dont know where to start. i have a lot of ideas. but i havent followed through with any of them for a long time. i have been stagnant now for two years. that suprises me. i thought it was longer since my world fell apart. and if it has only been two years, then i have actually done a lot more with that time than i have been feeling. but instead of my life gearing up towards something, i have been getting further and further from a sustainable existance. when i was so far from ok that i couldnt see myself surviving another day, i knew i was going through something and that i mentally and physically couldnt do anything. but now i feel i am almost back to zero. my mental health is stabilizing, my sense of self is returning, as is my fearlessness and desire to do something with my life. but i am at 0. i have nothing.

i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. i have $12,000 saved up from the last 4 months of caring for my nan and some stocks my parents have given me. so basically a hand out from my mom, which i greatly appreciate, but without, have no idea if id even have 1/10th of that saved. i plan to move back to america in june and use this money to buy a van i can live in on the road, travelling and staying where i please. ive wanted this for a few years. it was part of the original plan that fell apart 2 years ago. but now, in the middle of may, faced with the reality of being dropped in the middle of no where, with nothing, no one, no plan and no desire to “work” in the traditional sense, i am terrified. being at zero here i am safe. im at home. i have my family all very close by. i have been sharing a home with someone for 5 months. before that i lived here in my own flat for 5 months, but i was in the same city as my family for the first time in 13 years. i basically havent been alone in a long time. and i have been feeling that this journey is going to require that. and choosing to be alone is scary.