I talk a lotttt but I am notttt there for conversation with people in free chat. I monologue. If they want to converse they can go exclusive. I find it easier to talk to myself than other people though and don’t mind seeming weird. All about me is my vibe. If someone thinks I’m talking to have a conversation with them, a stranger, for free, I entertain for a few mins then let them know I wasn’t actually looking to converse about what they want and to go exclusive if they have any more questions. Then I go back to what I want to be saying 
Why Me? What Do I Know?
I want to let everyone know I exist. Because my story is unique. I’ve intentionally lived my life that way. To learn things and see things in my own way.
I cant pin down the earliest date I realized the whole world was made up. But I do know that by the age of 9, Blur was my favorite band and I knew I never wanted to be a part of the rat race. Growing up is a scam. Modern life is rubbish.
When I was really little, when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, in the late 80s, before the internet and pornography, I would say, “A poser, a poledancer or a prostitute.” No one knows how I knew what those last two things were. But the videos of me asking my mom to video me constantly, prove I already knew what a poser was!
I had my first boyfriend at 3. I just always loved boys. They were so pretty. He was my best friend. In year 6 I asked out every boy at school, and every one of them said yes! In year 4 three boys in the year above would pick me up and run away with me so they could be my boyfriend. I still have the scar on my leg from when one of them dropped me over his head, off his shoulders.
I always had crushes on the boys that didn’t like me or weren’t interested in me though. The cutest, the naughtiest, the uninterested. Even pre puberty. I had a recurring dream of a boy up in a tree, in a play area, out the back of a pub. There were lots of other children playing there. But more than anything, I knew I loved the boy in the tree. Overwhelming love. But I also knew he was dead. I don’t know if he fell out the tree in the dream. But I always just knew he was dead and my heart hurt and the longing was agony.
I have never found the boy in the tree that was meant for me, and have mourned his loss since I first discovered him in the dream. No one else has meant to me what that boy could never be. Its a weird state to be in when you believe in reality. I wonder if I had a twin that died or if there was a soul out there for me that I never got to see. I feel whispers of him in the men I’ve loved the most. But I also see echos of my childhood idols and I fear the human brain and consciousness is no more than a mush of the things we’ve seen and done and that the thought that our thoughts can give us any insight into reality when we cant even comprehend what we are outside of memory suddenly just seems like absurdity.
We need to drop the mind and get into the body. Its the only way to save everybody. The only way forward for the human race is inwards. But not inwards to the brain, to the self, to the ego. But to the body. The meat and bones reality of our existence. Our function as a human animal. We need to figure out what the human animal body/mind needs to survive in the current conditions, and what are the ideal conditions for the human animal and the natural world, to mutually thrive in, and then work towards that.
We are one human animal body. All skeletons are the same. Our posture should be the same. Our muscles are all in the same places. There is a right and wrong way to use the body to do things. We aren’t even taught the fundamentals of posture. But we are all expected to live in bodies that are constantly being pressured and shaped by outside influences. The external world and our internal mental world all imprints on our bodies and there is no central guiding body on how to correct, realign, recenter, the natural human body.
I am deeply in love with my body connection story
why i want to tell the uniqueness
I say Im unique cause of the range of rare things I have done so far in my life. One unexpected journey I’ve been on is spening the last ten years doing sex work. In that time I’ve lived in London, where I worked on webcam. I instantly became successful and used my early success to travel to Australia. After a year of living in my body cause of the Aussie way of life, I started stripping in a very small town. I also worked at 3 different legal brothels with 3 – 9 months at each, some times 7 days a week for several weeks at a time, 12 hours a day. In one of the brothels the other girls stopped coming in to work cause I would get all the bookings. Even if I was busy they would wait for me. Sometimes for 4+ hours. One night I was the only girl working and I didn’t have a break all night It was my favorite time doing sex work. I felt like a queen. After work. At 3am, or 7am depending on the night, I would drive to the gym and work out for a hour or two. Do a little shopping and went back to the brothel where I slept for a few hours in one of the work rooms, till it was time to get up and get ready again. I didn’t have any problematic clients while I was there but many girls did. And I could see why. But obviously I couldn’t say anything. I would talk with the Madame when she would come in during the day and I would ask her why the other girls dont try harder. Go to the gym, buy nicer outfits, learn hair and make up. She said she didnt know but she did know she hasnt met anyone like me and wished every girl had my attitude. A life time of being bullied by girls also helped me keep my distance from other sex workers, stereotyped to be bitchy and fucked up, I knew I wouldnt be liked. I started prostitution because it had been a life time fantasy. I remember the first brothel I viewed. I was so scared it was going to be all the awful fear mongering things I had heard about. But it was the opposite. It was quirky, and clean, and organized, with rules, and structure and sweet hang out, work out and kitchen facilities for the women. In Australia brothels can only have 5 rooms. They can have more girls, in one brothel there would be 13 girls on a weekend night. Rotation rotation rotation! The office had to be organized! It was all very straight forward and honest about what it was. They sent me home with some literature and the STD book with pictures and information on all kinds of sexual health.
Ive gone off into brothel dreams. I need hours to write all about the procedures, protections and play that happened in those years. Suffice to say, it was the best environment for me. I felt like I was home. I was earning $25,000 a month, $10k weeks were normal. My body, mind, vagina were always at their healthiest when I was busy with my body all the time! I was the queen of the rooms. No matter who a man was in the waiting room, when he was in a room with me he was putty in my hands. Even if he came in with the expectation of pining me down and pumping away at me with his cock, that never happened.
Do my tricks and techniques matter here for my brief history of this only once trodden path? Or is that a separate piece that expands and links and loops from there back to here?
See in my short summary of a life worth living I have to divert at the pronouncement of my prostitution to justify and explain how that too unfolded in a way you cant even comprehend. Else the image of the person I have been wont be able to be seen. It will be hidden behind the narratives and stories in your conditioning that arent me. Only I have been me and as you are yet to see, there are chapters more to my story.
All the money I made in the prostitution trade led me live in America. I partied with Diplo and Pauly D, I went out 5 nights a week. I wore Versace every day. I had waist length platinum blonde hair, and was often seen in 7 inch heels and a onsie. Twerking in a casinos upside down, planking on the floor, i fucked Ron Jeremy to celebrate 300 partners. I hiked the Grand Canyon top to bottom 3 times. I got married in Vegas and got so badly emotionally abused it took 5 years to recover. Our wedding photo had a bum fight in the background though. So thats pretty funny.
When I started stripping I googled where the best strip club in the world was. I had already wanted to be the best prostitute in the world when I was in Aus. I found out it was considered to be Spearmint Rhino in Vegas. So after I was free of the man who destroyed me, and able to stand up for a few hours at a time, I made it my plan to be the best stripper I could be. I made it obviously. Then I found out that there was a limit for me. On what hours at the club there I could be. There was the holy grail, the main shift, the money hours, for those who excel, and looks tower. They usher you off the floor, at 9pm on the dot, no matter whos lap in which you may be grinding. A second audition is needed to prove you can be, as skinny, or sexy, or perfect as they need to stay any after that time.
Those girls would terrify me. They are racehorses. Perfect specimens of woman. It was easy to see why these were the peak shift girls.
Im not sure how long I had been there till I got up the guts to try. Weeks maybe, but its was really up to the scales to decide. 110lb and I knew my thighs weren’t too big for the managers eyes. It was time to try for the night shift.
Standing in a cold hallway in a two piece and 8 inch heels, for an hour while a line of night shift girls checked in while checking you out, knowing youre waiting to audition, knowing you’ll be competition, the man comes out. Everyone knows hes a twat. But we all smiled, were polite and pranced about. You only had to walk up and down the hallway so he can see you move from behind. Its his eye that decides if its good enough for the night. I dont like it but I got it. And as he told me I no longer cared, I was good enough, I was hot enough for the best strip club in the world and the best shift to work there!
This will be finished another time.
Sex Work Dynamic
Its really upsetting that women cant hear about how I can control the dynamic in the sex work act. They cannot even comprehend that at woman isnt there to be used by a man.That a woman can control a sexual room. The enduring narrative of the brothels was that no matter how the dudes presented in the waiting room, they turned into little puppies in the bedroom. I must have some kind of way with men that has enabled me to handle this work in a way I havent heard from anyone else. I dont want to be smug about me doing it so well.. But obviously I have done things in ways that have kept me and my clients, happy, healthy and safe. I am confident. I know it is my room. My belief that as a sex worker i am like a band, a dj, a artist, a professional. People are here to experience me and my reality, not for me to be there to bend and shape to their needs. I am not a jukebox, a wedding singer, or a body to be controlled by the user. I am the one with the professional sexual knowledge and experience to define what will bring both parties the most pleasure possible. Men dont know what they are doing in the bedroom and visiting a professional means they can lay back, relax and not have to perform their standard sexual narratives and have performance pleasure. The man laying back while I do all the work isnt my idea of sexual liberation or equality. but in the standard narrative dynamic, this is the easiest way for the man to give me space to get them to interact in the way I want. Its very easy to keep things on track and in my control with a very stern but playful tone when they do anything I dont like or dont do. One doesnt need to react badly or attack, its easy to take their hand and giggle and say no, hold their wrist down by their sides, use your feet on their thighs, hold them down, whisper in their ear something about them doing what you want being so much better. and then show them why you taking the lead is best. I have found ways to use the male body for my pleasure and a man loves nothing more than giving a woman pleasure. Even when they are paying, especially when they are paying!
Does Dick Size Matter?
if they want to perpetuate the stupidity of the effectiveness of a dick being a number of inches then ill play into their insecurities about the size of their dicks 
or I sell them on my opinion of dick quality being not just a number and tell them to take me excl to find out more!!! or if im being sassy ill just laugh.
RadFems and Porn
It’s so weird that rad fems blame the porn industry for porn culture. When porn and prostitution have always existed. The problem isn’t porn. It’s the MAINSTREAM commodifying porn imagery. This is cause sex is so suppressed that masses enabled porn to spill over in to the mainstream. Instead. Let’s make porn and Sex work the way to show people how female led sex is and can be!!!! That is what I do every day.
Social Media Sharing on Streamate.
it seems like the rule was in place since before all our lives were online. it just seems silly now to not be able to share social media or other things we do that arent involving pay walls or charging for things. it would actually help the traffic on streamate if models were allowed to actually build a offline presence with their fans. ive been doing this ten years. men dont go out their way to find you after their boner is gone and dont until their next boner there, and if you arent there they go somewhere else. its an outdated rule that we cant even mention anything of us anywhere on the internet or even say other website names like google etc.
“THE WILD RIDE OF #VANLIFE PORN”
…It’s a blazing summer afternoon in the western U.S. wilderness, and porn performer Sky Smith is giving me a virtual tour of her van. “I built it myself over nearly three months,” the 36-year-old says excitedly, panning the camera around the interior. “I’ve never been normal, I’ve always been odd and in my own bubble. And this is the epitome of living in my own bubble.”
We are talking over a glitchy Google Meet session — Sky is in a deserted and undisclosed location, and her internet connection is temperamental — but I can just about make out the van’s key features. It’s a converted school short bus, complete with a small kitchenette, wardrobe and double bed. There is also a portable toilet (“I’ve had some very scenic poos”), a fridge (“the bane of my fucking life, it takes up so much energy”) and a solitary cowboy hat, perched on an otherwise empty shelf (“my good old hat, for vibes”).
It seems idyllic: a cosy living space, decorated with blue bunting and inviting blankets, parked up in some remote, panoramic countryside. But it’s in Sky’s bed that the real magic happens — after all, that’s where her most popular cam work takes place. “My main video style is me getting too horny and having to really fuck myself good with a dildo,” she says, gesturing vaguely at the bed. “But I’m also into small penis humiliation and pegging. A lot of guys want to get fucked in the back of this bus.”
DOMINIQUE SISLEY
Sex Art
As a sex worker and a artist, my sex work is my art and my art is my sex work. How can it be seperate? How can anyone know that everything I do in my sex work has a artistic, intentional concept, when that concept is to be a sex worker being authentically myself? Where does the work stop and the art begin? How can I be focusing on my art when I need it as work to make me money to survive in the world? Its kind of like a artist having to make work that is more commercial so they can make thier conceptual pieces. Sitting on cam, slogging away to make enough money to eat and pay rent, doesnt feel like art. But the fact that I have chosen sex work to survive is art. The way I work, the snapshot, slip shod, overly real, emotional, reactive, reality I expose is the art. But it also just who I am and have no control over. But that free sharing of my authentic self in its painful reality is why its art. Im not performing being a sex worker. I am pushing the concept of sex work and its intersection with the self and my art as one whole piece. Like Lady Gaga. She is Lady Gaga. But becoming a pop star was her perfromance art. She isnt a false persona. But her choice to share her real self in that role is the art. I could perform being a sex worker, by doing the job better. I could not see it as art and do all the things you are supposed to do, the marketing, the editing, the buisness plan, the pushing for goals and growth. But I am not performing the job of sex worker. I am performing myself as a sex worker. Using sex work as the vehicle to share the most authentic, raw and naked version of my self that I have no other space to share it in. Cause my art is and always has been about me and my sex life and sexuality. So am I even a sex worker? Is all I am doing just art that I am displaying in its original context rather than placing it in a gallery and claiming I am better and other from sex workers. I am not commenting on sex work. I am doing sex work as its is the only place I can share my art. My art is my naked body and how I use it. How I have sex. How I masturbate. The thoughts I have on feminism and sexuality arent theoretical. They are my every day reality. I am living it. Not writing about it from a distance or a position of comentary or observation. Is me saying this is art enough? I am ready to start working on more art and making more of the art I want for the sake of art rather than the need to do sex work for money. And in that process I think it may all become more clear.
Fuck SnapChat
They deleted my account. For a non rule violation.
So now I’m sharing my life in much greater real time detail on OnlyFans.
i cant take it any more
I just cant take it any more. Reading things about prostitution and sex work. About whether it should be legal, whether its exploitation, workers horror stories, bad business practices, sex trafficking and all the other bullshit used to suppress the acceptance of our need to access sex. This is a fucking health crisis. And more than that for me, its a personal crisis. I cant take it any more.
I am a sex worker. I am a prostitute. I am a independent woman in charge of my own life. And i desperately want and need my chosen field to be recognized like any other. I do this work not cause its “real work”, not cause i want a job, not cause I’m forced or have no other options. I do it cause I LOVE IT. It is my passion. It is my calling. Its what I love spending my time doing, Its what I want to do for the rest of my life. It is what makes me want to exist.
I am so sick of the narratives around sex work. I’m sick of hearing sex workers claim their right to “real work”. I’m sick of people who have no inkling of what it is like to sell sex, that it is oppressive and bad for people. I’m sick of people ignoring the massive mental health crisis that is emerging from the lack of intimacy in our lives. I’m sick of men shooting people cause they don’t have access to sexual services. I’m sick of sex being treated like a toxic thing. I’m sick of the culture shaming casual sex. I’m sick of….
What is This Sexuality….Female Dominance not FemDomme
I have been trying to define my current sexuality for some time now and the best I can come up with is that I have the sexuality of a man. I am striving for that big dick energy of a 40 something rich fat man, laying back, smoking a cigar, making young pretty things do what he wishes, twirl around on his dick and try their hardest to impress him and keep him happy…Dan Bilzarian…even though he isnt fat.
I have been struggling for quite some time with the concept of Female Domination, being a Domme, a Dominatrix, and FemDom. Im not sure when it happened, probably came from repeated interactions online at work, where I realised that the majority of men who want to be dominated, want the role of a dominatrix played out on them. The vast majority of FemDom porn and performers stick to the script. Dress a certain way, behave a certain way, act out certain behaviours and attitudes. Be mean, wear intense outfits, cause pain, humiliate him…all in the way HE wants. HE wants to be treated a certain way and he is making a woman do that to him. Yes the women “want” to domme in that way, cause that was BDSM is. But do they “want” to in the same way they “want” to wear make up or “want” to be empowereed in any of the other ways capitalism and the patriachy has scripted for us? Is the want from a lack of the concept that it could be something else than what already exists.
If you really semantically break down the concept of Female Domination, to me, logically it means where the woman gets to do what SHE wants with the male. Its not a set role, its not even your own interpretation of the available options to pick and mix from. It is letting the woman entirely decide what she wants to do with the male body in front of her. If we have a blank slate on the concept of female dominated sex we can make it what ever each of us wants it to be.
And to me, what I am calling my dominance, is that I get to treat men, like they treat women. I love objectifying them, womansplaining, manipulating them into pushing their boundaries, collecting beautiful conquests, making them try their damn hardest to impress me with their physicality and sexual ability, to use their bodies in ways that feels good for me and my body, even if they arent getting physical pleasure from it, I like to poke and prod and explore, tease and deny, take my time, savour the sensations I’m feeling, and all the while expect him to seem greatful for the sex I am giving him and be convincingly turned on and enjoying it, even if he isnt. I want him to just lay back and let me do most of the work, use the skills I have gained and honed and enjoy using over the 20 years I have been fucking. I like giving pleasure, but in ways I enjoy. I want the man to let the person with the most experience and knowledge on sex run the show, ME. I want them to follow orders I give cause I know best. My orgasm and pleasure comes first, and many many times before theirs is even thought about. I want to make them contribute to a reduction in the orgasm gap. I want the amount of orgasms I have to help re balance that average orgasm inequality for all women. I want them, like many women do, to lie back and let my sex happen onto them. I want to be soft and sensual and sexy, because its how I enjoy intimacy. Unlike many men who do all this with zero awareness of the dominant force their maleness has over all sex acts, I am consciously choosing this male behavior so they get to experience the subtle control and dominance most women have to submit to, even when they are Domming.
Men who want a Domme dont want a woman who does what she wants. They want to have the specific sexual experience that that currently defines. I get that many men and women are perfectly happy with the current manifestations of Female Dominance. But as I like to reconceptualise everything that has ever existed, my interest in reframing sex for women and with the unease with which I associated my sexuality with the traditional role of FemDom, I felt it nessersary to look into other options, ideas and concepts of how women could get pleasure from controlling the sexual situation.
Maybe there is already word or phrase that sums up my sexuality, but I feel like I havent seen a depiction or description of such a sexuality. I guess a close scenario would be more down the lines of sissification. But I dont need men to pretend to be women to treat them like they treat us. Once again that is a performance of a role. The man performing a insulting appropriation of gender and the woman treating him how he wants to be treated. I have seen a camgirl friends videos on pornhub where she is pegging men and does seem to be embodying a similar kind of dominance. A quiet, manipulative control. Maybe when women get to have dicks we embody more of that male dominant behaviour. There could be more examples of my type of control amongst pegging fans maybe. But there definately isnt a recognised term for female led sex that doesnt conjour up leather and whips. And I need that to change. Cause I exist.
I always used to joke that I was a gay man trapped in a womans body because of my sexuality. Even before I liked the kind of control I do now, I still objectified men and collected conquests and had a very open and casual attitude to promiscuity, kink and talking about sex, that I felt more akin to the way men interacted with sex. But I love dick so a gay man seems more fitting.
Because of my level of experience and knowledge on sex, I think all the sex I have should be led by me now. It doesnt have to be the most extreme version of me controlling someone. The basic assumptions about the sexual script we already have where the man is the one to define what happens when and at what pace needs to be ripped up as it is only half of the story. But to most it is the only way sex happens. It is a very subtle shift into understanding how to put down the male concept of sex and let the woman take on the responsibility of being the sexual conductor.
Maybe I need to break some of this down. For example, a man doesnt need to thrust his penis in and out of me. That is him controlling the sex act. Instead, let me use his dick like my toy. I can move around on it more than enough to create sensations I like and can use that dick to make my vagina feel good. Now he may not like a dick soak, or a slow grind, or you experimenting with angles and the subtleness of what the vagina can enjoy and feel may not stimulate the dick in the way they are used to stimulating their dicks. But that is the point. Vaginas normally just get pumped and prodded at cause it makes the dick feel good. They like in and out, friction, forward and back. They think this is what feels good for a woman too cause its the only conception of sex and the source of female sexual pleasure too. But what if that isnt what feels best for my vagina…and it doesnt. What if there are other ways the penis and vagina can interact that actually feel way better to me? That means the hundreds, nay, thousands of times men have used my vagina to make their dick feel good, I just have had to go along with it and make the best of it. Cause pumping the vagina is what sex is and that is all we have to work with. Right? Right? No. Wrong. Sex can be anything you want it to be. So how about women get to spend some time figuring out what they like, what feels good to their vagina, while the man just has to lay there and make the best of the sensations he is recieving. Its called give and take. In sex men give and women take it. No thanks. Not for me any more. There are certain sexual positions or intensity that need more help from the man and still feel good, and we can use our words to ask for it when we want it, not just recieve it when they want to give it, cause fucking a dead fish isnt fun. I dont want them just to starfish. Cause men know sex with women like that are bad. Good sex is reciprocated. But it should be the man mirroring and responding to what I give and do for a change rather than woman having to respond to what a man is giving. There is a ground between just lying back and “letting” someone use your prone body, and taking over and using someone else how you want.
More examples, I dont need you to push my head down to suck your dick. I’ll be pushing your head down when I want your mouth on me. I don’t need to taste myself on your dick or lips. I need to feed you your pre cum and make you taste yourself on me. We dont like the taste of cum any more than you do, but we take it for you. Now its your turn to take it for us. And if you refuse, think its “gay”, too kinky, gross, well then women should boycott ever having your sperm in them or on them again too. Cause we swallow and smile. Even if its fucking disgusting. Just think of all the “norms” expected of men and women during sex and flip them. I am not gonna spend hours primping and preening, getting rid of all my hair, dressing up in cute outfits and doing make up for a dude. Cause they dont do that for us. They may trim and shower. So that is what I will do. But I’m not gonna perform being a woman, I already am one. I dont need you to perform a fake masculinity and dont expect it. You are a man as you are. As I am woman. No more effort needed.
Every step of the male female interaction, look at it, and flip it. See how it sits. Why do men get to do things women can’t and vice versa? There are so many subtle ways in which men dominate women and women choose roles to please men in every part of sex. And I am ready to challenge them all. To experiment and see what happens. See what new possibilities and ideas it opens up. It goes back into my previous writing about matriarchal sex. We know nothing of the possibilities of sex. We know not what Female Dominated sex would be like. We only know the patriarchal scrips that have been refined and reduced to the limited options we have today. It is time for women to find out what their ideas of sex are, how they can enjoy and make the most of the male body and how to reject capitalist patriarchy and actually be empowered and dominant.
24th August 2019
its interesting that….i forgot. oh yeah. until i went to australia, i wasnt in to tanning or hanging out outside much, or the summer in general, but as soon as i got australia and wore the clothes and did it all i loved it and have chased the sun since
cam is pretty quiet. lots of site problems apparently. and end of pay period.
i need a new microphone. i might take back the webcam i have and try another one. it could be that. the old one wasnt like that. ill just get the better one.
Working feeling myself!
#buslife #vanlife #skoolie #shortbus #lifeontheroad #solofemale #solofemaletraveller #fulltimer #simplelife #homeiswhereyouparkit #getoutdoors #lifeisanadventure #freedom #webcam #livestreaming #porn #pornographer
without sex i am nothing.
without sex i am nothing. i am sat in the library crying cause my body is aching to be touched so badly. Its all ive wanted for the longest time now, like a month. is to just spend time in bed with someone. to feel my skin on someone. to have sex over and over. to be held. and touched. to kiss someone. to have someone touch me like they love my body and what it can do. i feel sick right now.. its so painful i want to vomit. its entirely all consuming. a few hours, a day, a night, isnt enough. i need days to open up and relax and unwind and connect.
laying down with someone i like is when i am happy. peacful, content. no mind. doing what i am supposed to be doing. it is my purpose. and without it i have nothing i like or enjoy. i dont exist.
One sentence changed my entire life.
One sentence changed my entire life. I remeber it and pin point the second my life changed. And as I am sitting here thinking about it, I realise, there were two pin pointable moments. Maybe even three.
The first was when I was 15. I had gone to Tower Records in town to a record signing by Muse. I skipped school in the afternoon with a girlfriend to go. In the line in front of us were two cute boys. One with blonde ringletted hair, the other, stockier with dark hair. Both wearing flares and generally being cute boys. At some point they mentioned that they were going to The Flapper and Firkin pub on friday night to see a band. That was my shit, and I wanted to bump into these two boys again and have a reason to talk to them, so I made note of this and decided it would be a good idea for me to go. I managed to convince a family friend to be allowed to come out with me to the pub, a first time for both of us. None of my school friends were allowed to go to the pub. I dont really know why I was! I had braces. I wore flares and addidas shell toes. We werent at the pub long before I genuinely ended up at the bar behind the two boys I had hoped to bump into. I tapped them on the shoulder and said “Hi, were you at the Muse signing the other day?”. Obviously they were. One showed me his shoe he had gotten signed by them and conversation ensued. I ended up dating the stocky one. And then becoming part of his friendship group. One girl becoming my best friend. I cheated on him with the curly haired boy, which started after we went shopping for my boyfriends birthday presents together. He was the third ever person I slept with. I never did with the boyfriend. We would hold hands under the table at the pub while my boyfriend sat on the other side of me. He would rub my leg while my boyfriend kissed me. We would met up and secretly talk all the time. It was the only time I ever cheated and it was so fun as a teenager and it didnt really matter. Obviously neither of those relationships lasted long. I made art about the people I met. They became my main friends. I started partying at indie pubs and discos all the time with them. From there I met so many people, my next group of friends, my first love, I had so many amazing experiences, discovered so much and got to have fun I never would have for the next few years if I hadnt heard those two boys saying where they were going and when.
The second was one night while I was out partying at my old student union when i was 21. I had graduated a year before and gone back for my friends night. I was going through the “new rave” phase and was dressed ridiculous. I was doing my own version of breakdancing…drunkly doing backflips while dancing like i was in a 90s music video. When I went to the toilet, one of the girls who had been DJing came into the hall after me and stopped me to say “who are you? what are you?” She introduced herself as being one of the Queens of Noize. She told me she Djed at festivals and clubs all over the country and world and she wanted me to be their dancer. We chatted and hung out and I took her and the other half of the duo to a house party after the club. A great time was had by all. Several days later I ended up going with them while they took private cars around London to see different bands they knew play, went to a indie dog show and then they DJed at a couple of different parties. I met loads of celebs and danced the night away. Within a week I was working as their assistant. I spent the next 4 years working in the music industry. They managed Florence and the Machine, Djed, had a radio show on the BBC, and started a crazy night club that got to be a stage show. I got to be their assistant on everything they did. I got to do everything from designing flyers and art work, to tour managing, digital marketing, running the night club, book keeping, dancing, booking festivals and events. And I even ended up DJing myself and got to have sets all around London, in Paris and during their stage show at all the major and some minor UK festivals, like Glastonbury and Bestival. If that woman hadnt seen me and come and asked me who I was that night, I wouldnt have had the best and most incredible 4 years possible. I fulfilled so many fantasies, became friends with people whos posters I had on my walls as a child and so many things I couldnt have even dreamed of doing.
The last one, and probably the most life changing, the one that started me thinking about this, was while I was still working for the Queens. I was the liason for a boy who was doing some design work for us but lived out of town, so we communicated via email and messaging. It didnt take long for us to establish we found each other attractive and our messaging quickly turned sexual. Turns out we were both pretty dirty and we would often Skype each other while I did terrible things like piss on myself in the bath then fist my pussy and fuck my ass. He had such a big dick. I was enjoying my highly sexal life at the time, meeting guys off dating websites for sex, being the go to girl for any dude I knew in the real world to cyber sex with in the early days of facebook messenger, and had discovered chatroulette and would spend hours online masturbating with disembodied dicks on webcam. One day while messaging with the boy he asked “Have you seen MyFreeCams? Its loads of girls doing sexual stuff on webcam for money but its free to watch.” This might have been the most life changing sentence in my life. I went to look at it and became facinated with the girls. Within a few weeks I had decided to start doing it myself despite a couple of people i sounded the idea off against, mostly saying it was a bad idea. Infact, it was the best idea i had since saying yes to the Queens 4 years before. My first month on webcam I was the 39th highest earner on a site with over 20,000 other models. I have been in the sex industry for 8 years now and have again gotten to fulfil fantasies I had and experienced things i never dreamed of. I have made money i didnt know was possible, travelled the world and am currently living a life of joy, facillitated by sex work. I was able to find my passion and purpose and that may never have happened if that boy didnt tell me about that site. I have told him that many times over the years. And we still have never got to meet in real life.
The more I think about it, the more moments are occurring to me that are pivotal points in my life. Seconds that have reshaped a life. Turning points that couldnt have gone totally different directions. Part of the reason I live the way I do is because I know every second matters. These moments can come any time any place. I have always been open and available for these things to happen and have been lucky enough to make the most of opportunities that come along. I say yes. I put myself in the right place at the right time. and do it for the story. So I am pretty proud of and grateful for, the story I get to tell.
Stream Of Consciousness
Devolving into dating app memoir.
I wonder if i can manage to write stuff while i wait for shows on streamate. There is a constant stream of thoughts going through my head while i sit here. I say too many of them outloud on cam. Maybe this is a way to stop me talking as much shit to these idiots. Im sure when i talk to someone i dont get any shows. Most of the shows i get are from people who dont even talk to me first or hover around the room. Just boom. In and done.
Some of the best shows i get are from that. People who know what they are doing. Have read my bio. Know they want me doing my thing of whatever mutual interest we have. They can be really long shows too. Then i never see them again. Gone. forgotten. I have always had sex amnesia. I forget what happened after its finished. And then i forget what their penises were like. On cam i forget what show we did. They all just blur into one.
I wonder if i should write about how i find the sex i do. How im the hunter.how i choose.
The high failure rate. Potential bio to fix it. Ultimately a new kind of dating app to be made.
I have been using dating apps and websites to find sex for about 12 years now. I never really used them for dates. Sometimes id go through phases thinking i wanted dates, but really i just wanted a certain level of respect to be gained/felt or earnt from my future partner before we had sex. Now i can comand that just with the sex act alone and never need the pretence of a date. I have also never looked for a relationship on them. I have found love on them. But i was never there for love. So i would say i have gained quite extensive knowlege and exerience of internet dating that i wish to share. Obviously it is just my experience from my perspective and privilidge position. That isnt nessersacry to disect. I just want to hold up a example of things that happen but dont get talked about in the hopes that when someone else feels the same they feel bolstered by someone else having felt or done it before, as well as titlate, entertain you, the wider audience, to question comonly held beliefs, and discuss potential ideas for progress.
I am going to have to have a good think about what my first online dating memory was. I think im remebering who it was. A boy called Tim. He liked snowboarding. I was living in my own flat in Camden in london at the time and it had already turned into a bit of a sex den. I seemed to be fucking a lot of people in secret at that point in my life and that worked out well as i seemed to be the obly person who lived alone in central london! Maybe that is why i had so amany men! Lol.
I think the first dating site i used was plenty of fish. I think. It had a reputation for being a hook up site. Perfect! I just checked my list and it was the night before my 26th birthday. I think we did the very traditional pizza and movie combo. Watching movies until we were litterally too tired and had to suggest going to bed….then we had sex. The few times after that were the same. As was most of the sex i was having at that time. Lots of sitting around watching things till it was too late to have any real fun as you were both too tired. To be fair that has happened recently too. Just with more talking rather than watching things.
After the first time i realised it wasnt just weirdos online, there were plenty of people like me looking for sex too. The next experience was one of my only bad experiences ive had from online dating. There was a long build up. He was deployed in the army abroad. Eventually i found out he had a wife and child. But he decided to come to London to visit me before he flew back home to see them. I was a differnt person then and put all the responsibility for cheating on the person with the partner. We had swapped pictures, but we hadnt skyped. Well. Despite having spent about a month talking to him when i finally met him outside kentish town train station he was nothing like i expected. He was shorter, shinier, sweatier, taughter, tenser. He oozed military, ridgid. We went back to my place and we started the usual pizza and movie night. However at some point i realised i couldnt stand him. Like couldnt physically be around him. But as he was apparently on a transfer back from Afgahnistan and his flught home wasnt till the next day, i didnt feel like i could kick him out. Instead, i tried a unique tac. I faked cyctitis. I used to get it pretty bad fairly oten and wouldn have to just sit in the bath to ease the pain. So i told him a bout had just kicked in and i had to sit in the bath. I sat in there for hours.. The pizza arrived, i stayed in there and ate it in the bath. Eventually i got out when i thought he would be too tired to want to hang out more. We went to bed. And he wasnt too tired. So we had awkward, stiff, hard, souless sex. In the morning we did it again i think. Eventually it was time for him to leave. When he got to the airport his flight had been delaued and asked if he could come back for a few hours. I faked some plans and stopped replying to his messages.
I had been so aware of the potential dangers of “online dating” when it was first emerging and I was embarrased to have had a bad experience and silly for not getting it right myself. It wasnt however, put off. I just learned, military men arent for me, I need to skype with people before i meed them to see what they actually look like and not to fuck men cheating on wives.
I was in england for about 6 months longer after that, using plenty of fish. I ended up meeting 5 poeple during that time. One was the reason i ended up leaving engand and travleling australia.
The first 6 months in australia i didnt use dating apps. Travelling, partying and australia were the perfect combination to find me plenty of amazign men to fuck whenever i wanted. I thin i got back on plenty of fish in november of 2011 cause i had crashed a moped and was bed bound for a while. I hate going without dick when i want it, so i started cruising online again. I
I managed to find a few guys in each place i went. Adding that to all the men i would meet in real life, my number from pre aus to post aus doubled. I moved to vegas next and back on plenty of fish. I wanted more options here so branched out onto match.com but soon found it way too much work, fielding all the messages from basically all the men on the site.
By novemebr 2013 Tinder had entered my life. Everything became infinitely easier. Only getting messages from men that i acutally found attractive was a massive leap forward in my experience online
so I would say i have a pretty good knowledge and experience of how to internet date.
Welcome To Me
I am no longer satisfied by having sex, sexuality and sex work discussed, researched and written about by men, or women with no experience doing sex work, with only limited sexual experience of their own, with bias, with limits, operating within the constraints of what currently exists, or highlighting problems that never get solved or truly addressed. I think its time for people with the relevant experience, knowledge and insight into anything to do with sex to speak up. We won’t ever get anywhere if we keep relying on inexperienced people sharing their thoughts on things of which they have only limited personal experience.
I am a woman who has taken part in all aspects of sex work for 8 years, who studied and wrote her dissertation on female sexuality in the 21st century at University of London, who has had nearly 400 partners, been in love at least 8 times, has been married, and divorced, has had 500+ professional sexual experiences, and 8 years of webcam work interacting with and giving orgams to hundreds of thousands of men will all kinds of kinks, interests, penises, sexuality and personality. If my experience was in any other field I would be able to proudly claim my expertise. If sex and sexual women weren’t still so suppressed, then people with actual experience would be the ones writing about it. I could proudly share my experience and knowledge without fear of anyone saying I’m less human, less intelligent, less worthy, because of it. I would be respected for the depth of my knowledge, time dedicated to and insight into the topic. So that is why I am going to share everything I know. Because living a sexual life is very different to looking at it from the outside and theorizing about it. I am no longer an idea or theory. I am a real woman who has lived a richly sexual life and wants to progress sexual understanding based of my extensive and valuable personal experience.
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