9th January
ive been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. i have been struggling to feel like myself and adjusting to spending all my time with family after just getting used to being alone and figuring out who i am and what i want. i struggle to adjust and i struggle with how i behave in this adjustment period. i have just re read the writing ive done since ive been with family and its a lot of me explaining myself and asking why things are the way they are. i didnt enjoy re reading them and thought they sounded very juvenile. my friend warned me that we regress when we are with family and i thought id gotten to a place where this wouldnt happen again. but it kind of has. i have 6 weeks more of vacation here where i get to enjoy a leisurely day to day. 6 weeks till i have to start doing my next real life again. where i get to put more of my ideas into practice.
we have been driving all over southern florida. back and forth. down the the keys. and camping in state parks. we have seen lots of stuff and not done much. basically bus life. which was the point. i worry about my lack of productivity. but i cant really turn on that side of myself when im around family. i did back in england a bit. but it took me months to get that comfortable. im barely comfortable fitting that work/lifestyle in bus life at all. so its understandable. but i still worry about letting the motivation slip away. will i be able to flick a switch and have that part of me back when i want and need it? it was gone for a very long time and it was so good to have back. this time is also solidifying my decisions about what i want and i am excited about being unleashed to try this out later this year.
there hasnt been much to write home about in terms of fun stories. i have “too many temples-itis” i think. i have seen so much new stuff and travelled so far the last few months that i cant be amazed at the moment. i am just taking it in. there are tens of alligators i pass daily in the park we are staying in now and it doesnt quite sink in. ive been on beautiful hikes and its still hard work and i dont feel like taking photos of all the new beautiful vistas i encounter. but ive felt this conflicting the whole time ive travelled. i love that my every day is awe-some. but i also love that every day doesnt have to be awe-some. i have chosen to live a life where every day is like a holiday, where i see new and amazing and beautiful things. i dont take it for granted but i also cant be like a tourist forever. i am very appreciative that i have made my daily life this beautiful and exciting. i want to remember every place and thing i see and do, but i cant visually archive my whole life. i already have way too many unedited projects and ideas i havent started yet to think i will be able to consolidate all of the material i collect. and part of the point of this lifestyle is to live in the moment. to experience it 100%. i want to absorb and enjoy moments rather than record them and distract from them all the time. i want a balance of both. to document enough to remember real, lived and experienced moments.
i have tindered a bit but obviously not met up with anyone. it is so frustrating. but i also know if i really wanted to i could meet up with someone.
dont tread on me
living in america is a constant onslaught of things, people and ideas that threaten who i am. i face a daily barrage of situations and events that make me question everything about the world i live in and what i thought i knew and what i think of as right or wrong. the people and the places are so diverse that it has created infinite differences in each person. no two people experience any one thing the same. im sat here in starbucks. a busy one. and a fat old white man in the corner has a radio station playing on his phone at full volume. a man sat around the corner could hear it. we can all hear it. it is intruding upon every single one of our lives. because of what that fat idiot thinks is ok. everyone thinks different things are important and are offended by different things so almost every interaction is negative for someone when another person is expressing what they are ok with. there is no common behaviour that everyone observes in order to create less impact and intrusion on the lives of people around us. there is no standard manners. no common courtesy. no mutual understanding that we are living in an ever busy and intrusive world and we should all contribute to create the least impact we can on our fellow people.
i used to be disgusted by what i thought was the mentality behind the “dont tread on me” merch people have. but over only a few months of moving around america, i feel like i am heading towards thinking exactly that. dont tread on me motherfuckers. every single one of you obnoxious self important pricks who dont have any concept of the societal disease they are and are spreading to others. this wasnt what i thougt was behind the “dont tread on me” idea. i saw it as a anthem for people who wanted to be obnoxiously themselves. but now i see it is a mentality of fear, being threatened, constantly being made to feel like you are the only one that xyz matters to and are the only one upholding the standards that you see as right.
i am pretty fucking out there myself when it comes to what i think and things i do. but i dont do it while speeding, blasting my music, pushing past people, shoving myself in peoples faces, shouting, not saying thank you or sorry, not letting age go before beauty or ladies first. i work hard when i am around other people to do what is right. i know i do this because i can also be the complete opposite. when i am in the wrong mood i will purposely try to make other people feel bad. be obnoxious, on the attack. breaking rules on purpose to piss off people, being rude to people, ignoring others. i am openly angry and threatening when things dont go my way. i enjoy making everyone around me as miserable as i am. and i especially like them to know when i think they have done something wrong or to slight me. i give people the finger tens of times in a single day. i am, right now, repeatedly looking over at mr fat radio and giving him the evil eye. i had a screaming argument in the bathroom with an old woman yesterday cause she moved my bag. so i know how to be that complete asshole. but i know who i want to be. i know what to do to make me the happiest. i know what behaviours serve me and adds to my life and which dont. ive also been on the receiving end of a huge variety of behaviours and know that they too can have a huge impact on my life, mood and mental health. i like being and getting, that positive boost in someones day. someone smiling at you randomly or smiling back at you in passing. someone making a funny joke in the line at the store. someone holding the door open for you. the chat you get in with a stranger for a few minutes. the person that lets you out of a side road in busy traffic. the person that flashes a thanks or a wave from their car. its tiny actions that are easy and make your day lighter, that could have an even bigger impact on the person on the recieving end of the gesture.
i live and work alone on the road with no family in this country and no friends for thousands of miles around. all my human interactions are with strangers on the street or in stores and restaurants, hiking, or just hanging out in the bus. i know im not alone in being alone like this. so these interactions are quite important for a lot of people. i would love there to be a few new rules written up on etiquette and manners and distributed to whole nations. we are all so different and instead of offending each other and dividing us even more, if we were able to act with common courtesy as well as being unique individuals we would all feel less threatened by the other and have less of a daily onslaught of difference and threats to our selves and identities. if i knew each time i went out in public it wouldnt be like running the gauntlet of possible ways in which strangers can unknowingly ruin my day, life might be slightly less stressful and negative.
i am constantly looking for ways to make myself happier and my life more harmonious. i want to understand the world and myself in relation to it. i asses my behavious and feelings and look into their origins in order to understand who i am and what i need. i am in constant negotiation with the world as it changes around me and within me. the daily onslaught of difference makes me think deeply about myself and what i believe, so i am constantly re defining and working these ideas, refining them and reasurring myself of them. i feel like if i can figure it all out i can write my manifesto of myself and not have to think about it any more. i will be solid in myself. but even while saying that i know that i already have it. i am it. i am me. there arent pieces missing i have to figure out. i am currently in a situation where i cant freely move between all elements of myself so what myself is feels threatened and i am worried that it isnt what i thought it was. but i have to remind myself that is just that. elements of myself that i cant be in certain siturations. they arent gone. or not valid. i dont have to rethink who i am in order to understand how i feel right now. its all part of a whole. unfortunately my whole has to be compartmentalised in certain situations. but i have chosen my life this way. i am not living a life of dealing with what comes along and taking what i am given. i do what i want and question everything. maybe that is why i like the idea of some grounding social guidelines. some behaviours i can rely on and connect to others through becuase there arent many common connections in the rest of my life. good manners are the basis of a good day for me, my grounding. without it i am wild, angry and miserable. with it i feel open, kind and positive about myself and the world and people around me.
17th December
im so in to the being true to yourself thing at the moment because i havent know what myself was for the past 4 years. four years ago i was in a really good place. i knew who i was, what i liked, how i wanted to live, how i wanted my future to look. i had a goal, i had a calling, i had passion and motivation and i was quite content. i have struggled all my life with emotional ups and downs from PMDD, BPD and suspected Bi-Polar, but i was in a good place 4 years ago. then one day it all changed. i met one person who would destroy my life and myself. the first 6 months was manageable. six months later i didnt know who i was, what i wanted or what mattered to me. that relationship and its breakdown massively exacerbated my pre existing mental health issues. i didnt know how i would feel from one minute to the next, let alone, days or weeks away. i didnt know why i was feeling the way i was, or if it would ever stop or go away. i could barely exist for almost three years. id have days where i would feel like a normal person, happy, optimistic, id make plans, id feel like i knew who i was somewhat, in that moment. but then out of nowhere i could end up in bed, hysterically crying, panicking and really not knowing if id make it through the next 30 minutes. i felt like a spaceman whos line had been cut and was drifting into the nothingness of space, disconnected from reality and slipping further and further away.
i dont want to cut a long story short, but my journey out of that isnt the point right now, so i will just say that over the past year with many daily hours of deep work on myself, the fear, uncertainty and unfamiliarity with myself has faded. i didnt think id ever be able to just be me and be happy. i didnt think id ever know who i was or why i was the way i was. so the understandings of myself, who i am, what i want in life, what i believe of life and how i am choosing to live it, that i am having now, are even more exciting and important to me than they could ever have been. i was mentally and emotionally at rock bottom. i used to be so sure of myself, so passionate, so me. not only does the fact that ive come so far embolden me, but the fact that what has emerged as my passions, beliefs, interests, morals, future plans and vision of my future, all line up with and are richer more developed versions of where i was 4 years ago. maybe i needed to be knocked down in order to learn the strength of my passion and belief in my life path. it is not a easy one and i am going to have to be strong. but it sure is exciting for me at the moment. it is even more important for me to be true to myself, now i have a deeper understanding of, and connection to, who i am and how to keep developing myself.
4/5th December
There really isnt anything like the feeling i am getting now i am starting to understand and love myself. i know who i am. I see who i have been. i know what i like. i know where i am right now. i am greater than the sum of my parts. there are no parts. its all me. all the things ive been, the lives ive lead and experiences ive had arent all past, obsolete, different people. they are all in me. i am everything i have learnt and done. i am more experienced now than i have ever been as i am just older than i have ever been. but now i can draw it all together and know my self better than ever and welcome back into the present, all the girls i said goodbye to, or never felt connected with in the past, have all come back inside my brain and are me. i felt so lost and confused before. i felt as if my life was a series of disjointed, unconected events that could often conflict with everything i thought previous to that new experience. i felt like i had been lots of different people and that once one was gone, they were no longer part of me. not something to draw from and learn from. but to discard and then start again from scratch in a totally different way. once i got to the point where i knew i couldnt make the same mistakes again i have been working to learn from past me’s. learn who i am. what i like. what i really want. what actually makes me happy. what i really need. what my priorities are. to find out what it is like to be me. to just exist. with nothing. to sit, still inside and out and to be content. i have stripped my life down. and i am happier than ever.
i love myself. i knew that was a big part of becoming who i wanted to be and what i have been consciously working on for the past couple of years. i have to be me forever. i had to be honest with myself about who i am really, the dark parts, and see how i felt about that person. instead of changing the parts of myself that i have found uncomfortable and been battling with my whole life, i learnt to understand, forgive, accept and eventually love those parts of me as much as all the stuff ive been ok with all along.
Nihilism
I hope the world and every fucking person on it burns and dies. Life is a fucked up trap and if you dont play along you dont survive. i guess that means i wont be surviving much longer. fuck you fuck everyone fuck life. life is a fucking illusion. you are born to make money for other people. live other peoples ideas of what is right and wrong. there is never ever true freedom. we live in a fucking game. this isnt living. this is fucking gross.
Black Friday
Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.
I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.
The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.
I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.
i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.
Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.
and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.
i have so much to do
i have creativity pouring out of me at the moment. i have so many posts i want to write, things i want to write about and pieces i want to make. every day is just going to be a process of getting as much out as well as still taking in more and having new experiences. im so excited about the artistic journey ahead of me. my best friend said to me last night;
“some people have to live their life as art and be extreme and burn brighter than others to show people something about themselves. thats what i think of you when you are at your best. your most honest. and fearless. when you are doing things cos you love you not cos you hate you.”
it was the most beautiful, succinct summary of how i feel i need and want to live my life. it is a statement about me that im wildly proud of cause that is who i want to be and what i want to do. and it is why i am here, sharing all of this rawness with you. every single element of my life is curated by me to be exactly what i want and what I, think it should be. my life is the piece of art i am trying to capture through any media i see fit. i have fought for my right to live my life as i have. it hasnt been an easy journey. and its not going to be smooth sailing from now, far from it. but it sure as hell is worth it. and hopefully through me living my life to my fullest i can share things with people and help people in ways that i wouldnt if i had denied my calling and tried to fit in or live any other way than my authentic self.
at some point i will write a well edited, concise explanation of my concepts. the reasons i choose to put myself out there the way i do and why i share specifically what i do, is all intentional and hopefully at some point can be rounded up into a body of work that explores my passions and position in the world, and everyone can see it as the sum of its parts and its parts independently. until then, i hope you enjoy the process of me making and exploring, editing and adventuring.
post dedicated to a woman i cant wait to stay in touch with and watch grow the rest of my life. i love you.
i can see again
stream of consciousness on my afternoon walk:
It’s all just come to me. I can see everything now. I know who I am. Not who I thought I was. Or felt like I am. Or was made to feel like I was. Or imagined other people saw. I saw myself for real. Who I am and what I have done. Through MY eyes. A veil of darkness has been lifted and I can see myself and my life with genuine love and pride. I am EXACTLY who I want to be and my WHOLE life I have done exactly what I want. ALL of it. I am not, nor have I ever been a victim. He made me feel like a victim. He made me have to fight to be seen as a victim. He made me have to become only a victim. To prove how awful he was. He made me hate myself as much as he hated me. He gave me his eyes. I’ve been seeing myself and the world through his eyes. 3 years ago exactly to the day I moved in with him. Today. I can see again. I’ve got my eyes back. It’s the only way to describe it. I can see myself and everything I’ve ever done, that I’ve spent the last 3 years apologizing for and believing made me a bad person, who had been through and awful experience and had always been a victim. But with my eyes, the person I was before him, I am so so so happy. I am elated.I’m on my knees in a Forrest. Crying my eyes out. Over the realization that I have had exactly the life I’ve wanted and done everything I wanted and had a fucking great time doing it. And even with him. I did what I wanted by marring him and as soon as I realized what had happened to me, I got the hell away from him. That was strong, powerful. And right. I am everything I wish to be. I am the person I want to be. I am so proud of my achievements no matter how outside the box and fucking A moral they are. Cause that is who I am! I am not afraid of my sexuality and my otherness. They are who I am, what I stand for and what I live, love and die by. He threatened that. He even took it away for the last 3 years. But I am back. I can see again!
Edit: and now I just posted this , I am calm and content. Happy and relaxed. I feel whole.
i dont think im scared any more
i just had the most powerful walk in a while. ive been bed ridden for nearly a week. and from nowhere i got better. then today went for a walk and after a hour and half i realised. i am not scared any more. im not scared of people, what they may say to me, how i might react, what they think of me, how i feel about them, how they will affect my life, how they could change me or my path, of their good sides and their bads. im not scared of money, of work, of purpose, of lack of purpose. im not scared what im doing with my life or where i am going. im not scared to travel to the opposite side of the world and drop myself alone in the middle of nowhere to start my life again. my life didnt ever really stop. i had just gotten so used to being scared. everything was a threat. i had my defenses up. he put them up. and ive let them go. i dont know what happened. or why today….ok i have some inclings, but in order to get this out im not gonna go on and on and into it. i just have to acknowledge this. today i know what it feels like to not be scared of anything again. i dont need to live on the defensive. i just need to live the life of the person i want to be and to be seen the way i want to be seen, all i need to do is act the way i believe in.
starting
i am just going to write. right now i have nothing to write. but i dont see any other way out from where my life is at the moment. i have nothing else to offer except my stories, experiences and opinions. i need a creative output and dont know where to start. i have a lot of ideas. but i havent followed through with any of them for a long time. i have been stagnant now for two years. that suprises me. i thought it was longer since my world fell apart. and if it has only been two years, then i have actually done a lot more with that time than i have been feeling. but instead of my life gearing up towards something, i have been getting further and further from a sustainable existance. when i was so far from ok that i couldnt see myself surviving another day, i knew i was going through something and that i mentally and physically couldnt do anything. but now i feel i am almost back to zero. my mental health is stabilizing, my sense of self is returning, as is my fearlessness and desire to do something with my life. but i am at 0. i have nothing.
i am 32. i am currently staying with my mom in england, in my childhood bedroom. i have no car, no property and nothing of value materially. i have $12,000 saved up from the last 4 months of caring for my nan and some stocks my parents have given me. so basically a hand out from my mom, which i greatly appreciate, but without, have no idea if id even have 1/10th of that saved. i plan to move back to america in june and use this money to buy a van i can live in on the road, travelling and staying where i please. ive wanted this for a few years. it was part of the original plan that fell apart 2 years ago. but now, in the middle of may, faced with the reality of being dropped in the middle of no where, with nothing, no one, no plan and no desire to “work” in the traditional sense, i am terrified. being at zero here i am safe. im at home. i have my family all very close by. i have been sharing a home with someone for 5 months. before that i lived here in my own flat for 5 months, but i was in the same city as my family for the first time in 13 years. i basically havent been alone in a long time. and i have been feeling that this journey is going to require that. and choosing to be alone is scary.
March 5th 2015
he has thrown his wedding ring at me 6 times (about once every 2-3 weeks, the argument and recovery last 3-7 days) and told me he is calling the lawyers for a divorce. but only once has he left the house for more than an hour when he has said he is leaving. he packed all my stuff and loaded it in the car twice, to move me out. i havent once threatened to end it or said i dont want to be with him forever. everything he does is like he hates me. but he wont leave me or even leave me alone. he just pushes and pushes and pushes me to leave but doesnt want me to go and he doesnt want to end it. i dont know how to help him or stop this cycle cause he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong. he used to be open and talk and listen and understand and now he is just always on the attack or defense (when im not even attacking). i just need him to be nice and consistent so i can recover from all the hurt. but he wont accept that im hurt. he says im just being a bitch and shouldnt still be upset.
i cant leave with the injustice of him not understanding what he has done to me.
October 22nd 2012
Aus – Cairns – Talking about Bohden and dunno who the dude was, maybe that bar manager dude i fucked
So I tried to start this becoming a writer thing on Saturday, but I ended up curled into a ball on the sofa crying because I saw my ex making a joke with his friend on facebook about having “bitches errywhere”. Let me expand on this a little though. By saw, I mean stalking through other peoples profiles to find what shreds of him I can find as I have unfriended him and his profile is hidden. And by ex, I mean fuck buddy for 6 weeks that went terrribly wrong, think cliched movie, without the happy ending. So now i am trying again to start something. Not that that was a very good first impression. I sound like a neurotic teenager. And I’m not really going to be able to get into this much now or carry on with this flow as I am waiting the arrival of a friend to watch movies and eat chocolate on a glorious afternoon. And here we go again needing another expansion. This friend, is a boy who has just got dumped by my friend. I dont know him that well. I dont know why he wants to hang out. I have my suspicions, but we have already laid the 100% non sexual hang out guidlines down. His ex and I arent close, I have only known her a few months, as it is for everyone in my life, but I would specifically go out and spend the whole night hanging out with her, so, ye we are friends…..oops hes here. gotta run
December 23rd 2007
At times like this it feels like everyone is put here purely to piss me off; sat in the “quiet” coach on a train to Birmingham, where no one on in the fucking coach is being quiet. I am now adding to that and pissing other people off as my super long red false nails are tap tap tapping on the keyboard. Im trying to make it not, but they are just too long.
The couple several rows behind are alternately kissing and the man reading some bollocks aloud to the girl as if she is some mental retard. A status which is confirmed by her ridiculous comments and random, raucous laughter. Two rows ahead of me is a woman, presumably a single parent, with two ginger kids. I have no problem with gingers. But kids in the “quiet” coach? Whos dumb idea is that? Did they book those tickets or just straight up ignored the QUIET signs? I feel slightly sorry the woman behind me and the man over the aisle, both dozing or trying to, as I was before the kids moved into the seat infront of me to play. Im sure my typing isn’t the worst of sounds in this cacufany of vulgarity, compulsory in public transport hell.
All I can hear now is the rustling of paper. What is going on? How is there that much paper to rustle? Have the children given in to the boredom of the slow running Sunday night train and ripped into all the presents single mom has bought them to compensate for the lack of father in their life?
Shit the battery on my computer is dying. Maybe I should stop typing and just carry on drowning out the sounds with the music, rather than whip myself into a literary frenzy over something I cannot control or escape. It just always seems like I pick the worst place to sit! I know it is part of who I am as an only child that I feel incapable of making the right decision, and that every decision is the wrong one, but it still causes me a lot of stress! The wrong seat, the wrong meal, the wrong outfit, the wrong friends, the wrong boys. The grass is a lot greener anywhere outside my world. However, contradictory to that it is everything outside my world which annoys me, and what I also love and find amazing and fascinating.
As Pampy was dying, I gained an empathy with the rest of mankind. I understood that everyone is special and has a awful things happen every second. Or some bollocks like that. I now feel totally different again and all empathy has gone out the window so I don’t remember the new positive insights and feelings. I do look around often and wonder how many of the people around me are currently coping or trying to cope with a death. And that brings back some empathy.
Oh the baby at the back of the coach is crying away now. Thrilling to everyone onboard I’m sure. And even with my headphones feeling deafeningly loud I can still hear the shitty ginger kids talking. We are sat, not moving now outside Rugby. Mmm Rugby boys.
I found Andrew Kinnaird on Facebook a few weeks ago and added him. He messaged me and we had a bit of a convo, ending in him asking, basically, if he could fuck me. And was offended when my immediate response wasn’t yes! Jane Eaton’s older brother also wants to meet up with me. I don’t really remember being particularly friendly with him, and now he is married to a woman who had a stroke. So maybe a bit of reliving his youth , thinking of other better lifes that could have been had, or a desire take advantage of an old connection to get a bit of non disabled fucking might be going on there!
Hmm mean. I thought I was a pretty angry person. Well I am, any small thing makes me crazy mad, which isn’t great fun. But I don’t do anything with that anger. I am barely even passive aggressive. I am basically a whinging passive. And I am either overly happy or I hate everyone and everything. And when I am in one I cannot see the other at all. Its like I could never be the other again cause the moment I am in is so strong. But I do know that is the way I work, so it is pretty hard to reconcile these reactions and emotions and the actual banality of real life. Cause nothing ever happens to me. And when big stuff has happened that is when my reactions are at their smallest. I hate dramatising or talking about something that is actually bad. But I love making the small things mega. Like boys, I can go on about all of that for days and not tire, get really wound up over wether I will hear from them, and how much I fancy them. But when the past three people I have had sex with have done it without my consent, or me even wanting it to happen, I don’t bat much of an eyelid. It happened, get on with it. Other people would be torn up and it would totally effect them. But I don’t feel anything. I am a bit pissed off, but im not worried about myself. But that may have a large factor to do with my relationship with men and sex, which is a whole other chapter. Or sentence. I have always had sex with a lot of men, mostly when drunk, most I cant remember and that is the way sx is and always has been with me from the first time to the most recent time. So I just see it as another messy drunen mistake. Silly. But the only difference is I don’t find it as funny as I used to. I am not a kid anymore and that kind of mess is disrespectable to my adulthood.
And at other times I think I am totally mental and lost it a long time time ago, if I ever had it. I have no grip on reality and normal values. I think everyway I think is wrong and back to front and messed up and I am totally alone and will always be. Life is so polar to me. Paralytic, sober, or pissed of im not paralytic. Married or completely datelessly single. fucking anyone and everyone or totally monogamous. Extaticly happy and in love with the world, or hating everything and everyone or depressed at feeling nothingness. Loads of energy or falling asleep all the time. In love with myself, or resigned to my imperfection. Full makeup and hair dos and outfits, or no make up or having it smudged all over my face having not washed in week, wearing the same pyjamas. Career or partying. Sadist or masochist.
Getting bored of listing opposites. And I am almost at Birmingham. Having Christmas with dad this year. Apparently it is going to be an open house buffet event. I am quite looking forward to it, especially if everyone is relaxed. Which actually, thinking about it, is almost an impossibility. But I can wear pyjamas and read and doze for nearly three days.
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