This morning I didnt smoke. I was having a good morning. until thinking about seeing ryan and how its like saturday and he hasnt seen me since tuesday or said anything about seeing me the last few days. i immediately went into a intense bpd reaction. when i have those thoughts i belive them. i believe i am seeing facts. that this is the wise thought, reaction and feeling to the situation.i sent angry texts. i wanted to cry. i was overcome with negative emotion and feeling. i felt sick. emotionally exhausted. i couldnt fight it. But i was aware that i was not high and that I was having a bpd reaction. so i got high and ive felt my mind change from being angry and in pain, to feeling almost fine and not caring. i still have residuals of those earlier feelings. and dont want to/havent relaxed into my high brain. the high version of me doesnt see all the evil things and interpretations of someones actions. high me doesnt instantly think someone is lying or tricking me or manipulating me. i take peiple for their word. i trust. i believe they think well of me and like me. im comfortable and happy. but what is the right way to be. which one is right? which one is real? which should i trust?which one should i act upon? now im high i can see how darkly i view other people and their intentions. i immediately go to them bieng up to something that will harm me. my lonliness really peaked too when the BPD got triggered. felt desperate. on the verge of tears. needing someone else. high i am comfortble in me on my own. i was feeling fine with not seeing ryan much recently. until i was sober. that is when the bpd brain looked at the whole sitation and reassesed and acted out.now i wanna be fine with everything.and almost trust it.
Different Brains
i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to be detatched. and flat. its kind of a calm.blank. not impressed. not wanting to make effort. not wanting to be nice to anyone. not wanting to “lighten up”
is this the start of the darkness. is this how it starts. cause it feels strong and positive that i can get shit done and be level and calm but it makes me distant and detatched and i get strickter and less light until i dont want to be light.
as i feel like this it makes me want to keep myself to myself more. as its kind of hard to relax and be light with people. but then i think the isolation again gets to me and makes me want to isolae even more. or is the stricktness, inability to emote etc cause of isolation.
i kind of have period pains right now i wander if that is cause ive been fucjubg up my pill so i am now in pre period week again and that is why i feel like this?
how do i know if im being strong and focused or isokating/being dark and serious cause of pms
i think it may be cause i havent seen people. like ive seen mom but not had any time or conversation since maybe thursday morning. its now saturday, so its only been 2 full days but still. that is longer than most people dont have a real life conversation for. also all the work stuff gives me a imbalance in how much i dont like people. work makes me want a break from people but maybe speaking to real people i like would be better. by trying to protect the state im in and want to maintain, it ends up taking away where I was. and shuts me down.
Fuck SnapChat
They deleted my account. For a non rule violation.
So now I’m sharing my life in much greater real time detail on OnlyFans.
I Fucking Hate “Seeing Someone”
I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together. I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have.
Bad Day
the morning was pretty bad today but talked it through with dad and ended up feeling abke to start my day. i just couldnt make myself do anything. i had no reason to get up. and i was frozen just unable to think about anuthing other than having nothing to get up for even though i did. i was supposed to be tidying the bius and getting on with work. but i couldnt. work, earning money, existing, isnt reason enough to start the day. it was a really good conversatin with dad. i started tidying up. then heather phoned. she talked a lot. and repeated a lot. but it was nice to talk to her. i tried not to stres that it meant i would be getting towork much later than i needed. and eventually i got the headphones working so i could carry on tidying while on the phone. when i did the dishes i reausd that it was less painful, more mindless, kess emotional and stressfyk to do the thing rather than think about the thing. it was quite peaceful and i made a point o remeber to remeber that it was better to do the thing.
i had eaten a bit of hybrid edible and smoked a joint and was about to smoke another.
so that helped do life. i gotta rememeber to do that too.
was able to finish tidying and get ready for work
24th August 2019
its interesting that….i forgot. oh yeah. until i went to australia, i wasnt in to tanning or hanging out outside much, or the summer in general, but as soon as i got australia and wore the clothes and did it all i loved it and have chased the sun since
cam is pretty quiet. lots of site problems apparently. and end of pay period.
i need a new microphone. i might take back the webcam i have and try another one. it could be that. the old one wasnt like that. ill just get the better one.
January 22nd 2018
ive been with my mom, around people, in busy towns, cities, campsites, beaches, doing things for the last 4 weeks and its time for a break. i was feeling grubby today on my way to starbucks and then the beach. when i realised i only feel grubby cause im in cities and around city and town people, not country people who generally are dirty from work. ive also been in very posh and mostly white areas too. not much poverty around these parts. i miss being away from the cities. where trivial stuff matters less. where i feel less judged. where i dont feel the constant pressure to spend money, consume, shop, partake. its a constant onslaught of the senses. i have lived in the biggest cities in england for the first 26 years of my life but since leaving them and spending more and more time in the countryside, small towns and villages, and mostly, the wilderness, i havent wanted to go back. The only city ive lived in since i left london was las vegas. and that isnt a normal kind of city. it runs on fun, pleasure, tourism, excitement, experiences. working there is being a part of a system that provideds millions of people with a dream, a getaway, a world unlike any other. the city doesnt have hoards of paper pushers and bullshit jobs. its a service city. everyone is a entertainer. obviously i know there are still normal, non tourist/service jobs there. but its those service jobs that are the backbone of society, not just services propping up a city of paper pushers or tech workers.
9th January
ive been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. i have been struggling to feel like myself and adjusting to spending all my time with family after just getting used to being alone and figuring out who i am and what i want. i struggle to adjust and i struggle with how i behave in this adjustment period. i have just re read the writing ive done since ive been with family and its a lot of me explaining myself and asking why things are the way they are. i didnt enjoy re reading them and thought they sounded very juvenile. my friend warned me that we regress when we are with family and i thought id gotten to a place where this wouldnt happen again. but it kind of has. i have 6 weeks more of vacation here where i get to enjoy a leisurely day to day. 6 weeks till i have to start doing my next real life again. where i get to put more of my ideas into practice.
we have been driving all over southern florida. back and forth. down the the keys. and camping in state parks. we have seen lots of stuff and not done much. basically bus life. which was the point. i worry about my lack of productivity. but i cant really turn on that side of myself when im around family. i did back in england a bit. but it took me months to get that comfortable. im barely comfortable fitting that work/lifestyle in bus life at all. so its understandable. but i still worry about letting the motivation slip away. will i be able to flick a switch and have that part of me back when i want and need it? it was gone for a very long time and it was so good to have back. this time is also solidifying my decisions about what i want and i am excited about being unleashed to try this out later this year.
there hasnt been much to write home about in terms of fun stories. i have “too many temples-itis” i think. i have seen so much new stuff and travelled so far the last few months that i cant be amazed at the moment. i am just taking it in. there are tens of alligators i pass daily in the park we are staying in now and it doesnt quite sink in. ive been on beautiful hikes and its still hard work and i dont feel like taking photos of all the new beautiful vistas i encounter. but ive felt this conflicting the whole time ive travelled. i love that my every day is awe-some. but i also love that every day doesnt have to be awe-some. i have chosen to live a life where every day is like a holiday, where i see new and amazing and beautiful things. i dont take it for granted but i also cant be like a tourist forever. i am very appreciative that i have made my daily life this beautiful and exciting. i want to remember every place and thing i see and do, but i cant visually archive my whole life. i already have way too many unedited projects and ideas i havent started yet to think i will be able to consolidate all of the material i collect. and part of the point of this lifestyle is to live in the moment. to experience it 100%. i want to absorb and enjoy moments rather than record them and distract from them all the time. i want a balance of both. to document enough to remember real, lived and experienced moments.
i have tindered a bit but obviously not met up with anyone. it is so frustrating. but i also know if i really wanted to i could meet up with someone.
Dec 15th 2017
I saw the same homeless man twice today and I said if j saw him a third k would talk to him. I saw him on my walk home. With way too much cholcoafs milk shake left dr dinner. I offered him my shake and we had a nice chat for about 10 minutes. I face him
March 5th 2015
he has thrown his wedding ring at me 6 times (about once every 2-3 weeks, the argument and recovery last 3-7 days) and told me he is calling the lawyers for a divorce. but only once has he left the house for more than an hour when he has said he is leaving. he packed all my stuff and loaded it in the car twice, to move me out. i havent once threatened to end it or said i dont want to be with him forever. everything he does is like he hates me. but he wont leave me or even leave me alone. he just pushes and pushes and pushes me to leave but doesnt want me to go and he doesnt want to end it. i dont know how to help him or stop this cycle cause he doesnt even think he has done anything wrong. he used to be open and talk and listen and understand and now he is just always on the attack or defense (when im not even attacking). i just need him to be nice and consistent so i can recover from all the hurt. but he wont accept that im hurt. he says im just being a bitch and shouldnt still be upset.
i cant leave with the injustice of him not understanding what he has done to me.
March 19th 2013
So I am back in the game. I am at my new house. I have travelled to a different town to do it, as I am way to well known where I live and do not wanna risk being spotted any more than I already have at home. It is my second night here but I was feeling too lazy to write last night. It wasnt like I had much to do but houses are really draining. You are basically sat or lying in a lounge room for up to 12 hours waiting to see people. All I wanna do is eat and watch TV. Most girls who work here and in general in this job end up putting on weight. I have in the past. The old house used to provide bread, que eating 6 slices of toast with butter and honey a night.
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