Bus Life Archives - Page 2 of 2

12th December

i havent finished any of my writing in the past few weeks so i havent posted anything. i was sick for a couple of weeks after san fran and it threw me off. and im also driving across the country for the first time so a lot of my brain is being taken up just taking in all the sights and new information and driving. i just parked at rutherford beach in Louisiana. its beautiful. white sand, lapping waves, oil rigs on the horizon and no one around. i came down here to try to earn some money on webcam and do some writing and just be settled somewhere for a couple of days. ive driven 2500 over the last 4 weeks and havent stayed in the same place for more than 2 nights. i just want to stop!!! Bus life is about being able to travel but i havent stopped driving since i got her. i am exhausted. the plan was to settle down into a routine of going off to a spot for a week or two then moving via a town to pick up supplies and interact with people. this has not happened. ive also decided exactly how i want my life to be now in terms of making money, where i want to spend my time, how to use my money, basically how to have the life i have wanted for a long time. i got side tract from it for the past few years but i know what i want again now. but i have to wait a few months before i can put it in to practice. which is very frustrating for me. because im all about immediate gratification. i act on my ideas. i dont wait and plan. so im feeling a bit frustrated and trapped. i dont like not being able to do what i want, when i want. which is why i chose this life style. anyway. despite feeling frustrated and trapped i am super excited about it and really looking forward to things getting even better in the future. i really, really want this life i have planned. its not far from what i have right now and its nothing i havent done before, except in different places. it encompasses so much of what is important to me in life. i feel like i have a talent, a calling and passion for something that can make my life the way i want it, while pursuing all the things that matter to me in life. i would be living authentically as myself, completely true to myself. Authenticity and Wisdom are the things i pursue in life. More so than money, material things or relationships. I am trying to gain it through self-awareness and observation of experiences i have, of myself, of the world, and other people. Stretching myself to understand more every day. i want to experience everything and understanding myself to the point where i can operate most authentically as myself within the world in a way that best serves how i choose to live, but with a deep understanding of how the world operates around me and for other people. im pretty excited to earn money in a way i believe in again! from the last 6 months ive found i dont need money for stuff. if i earn money again i dont want more things. i just want to collect it so i have it for when i want to do things. i want to use money as a facilitator. the simplicity of my life doesnt need to change. but it can get easier. it would actually be simpler. i wouldnt have to worry about how i would make money for the things i really need, like i do now.

i think ive started to feel uncomfortable with what i am writing because i fluctuate on how open i want to be, how all-encompassing, whether i should separate things out, keep things to myself, censor what i write. who am i writing it for and what am i saying it for. i want it to be for me. but it is so hard to let go of the worry of judgement. of who i am, how i live, what i do, how i write, what i say, that i even say anything out loud. i have to battle between the ego and the artist when i am writing. the artist wants authenticity, the ego wants to be liked. the artist wants to show it all, hold it up for inspection. the ego wants to show things in their best light. the artist doesnt want feedback and just wants to create for herself. the ego needs reassurance, acceptance and a positive reception from others. i guess ive always enjoyed saying things i shouldnt and being the odd one out.

im going to log onto skype in a bit, after ive had a walk, to see if i can make any money any more. i only really want to do Domme shows at the moment. i am totally over faking my enjoyment for men and i dont enjoy most of the stuff i have to do on cam any more. i would much rather just do things in real life. cam for me is authentic and enjoyable when i get to do roleplay and domination. i enjoy watching and controlling, not performing. but most people want me to perform for them on webcam, thats the nature of it. so i have to accept i wont make money easily like this. which i have, as i know i have a better plan lined up! i should stop writing, so a, i finish a piece. and b, so i can actually try to do some work!

December 3rd, Sunday

i’m topless on the roof of my bus on the desert in arizona. i finally left california today on my way to miami. i spent a week in san fran in the end. i had 4 days of fun and 3 days of being exhausted and sick. i spent 2 nights parked at fishermans wharf which was noisy, a couple of nights parked around the tenderloin, which was noisy, and then a couple down on the ocean front. i had sex with 6 people. i went on a nice hike along the bay to the golden gate bridge. and i started cooking my own food again.

sf is definately where i can go back to if i ever need to find people with like minded sexualities. ive never encountered so many straight men who want to suck cock openly. half the people on tinder have “poly” or “pan” somewhere in their bio. and i got to fulfil several fantasies

i started writing a post about my first nights in sf, so i will go back and carry on with that and then write about the others

Black Friday

Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.

I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.

The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.

I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.

i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.

Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.

and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.

Another Day, Another Collection of Thoughts.

Day 10 on the sex drought. The last guy i rejected has cursed me. The failed date I drove to pick up and then just didnt like. I had such high hopes. And such blue balls. And I havent had a release since. Well Ive cum alot. Just only by my own hand. And that isnt what i need. I need some weird, kinky, extreme, exciting sex. I now have over 200-250 emails. And a offer from the cutest boy on my Tinder. But its STILL not happening. So I guess it is me now. Am I being picky? Ive emailed with a few of them, but nothing has progressed. When it works, it just works, with all the people i meet. Craigslist isnt helping me either. It cock blocked my last two posts about the specific kinks i want to explore right now. More specifically, soomeone now keeps flagging my posts and they keep getting removed, because apparently i cant be real, must be a scam or are violating their conditions by being really horny and wanting to get laid in a interesting and specific way. The upshot is, I still havent gotten laid. There is alot of comments I could make and conclusions i can draw from the kind of emails i have recieved over the past 48 hours, but i havent learnt anything I didnt already know. I am going to start compiling my thougths on things outside of my own life, like this, into essays. Just so i do it. Keep them for myself. i have started a list of topics i already have ideas for.

Ok I have just solved my own sexual frustration problem. Im going to a sex club in San Fran tonight. Alone. Fuck it. I need to be around this stuff.

And i already have changed my mind. Thank you again google and yelp for reviews! There is such a massive gap for a space where people can openly share their sexual desires and connect and act them out. Like one of those kids play warehouses things, but for adults, and not gross. Maybe I will just go. Its only $10. If i go at like midnight there should be people there. I’ll see how I feel. And I can check it out. But then I am in San Fran. But then I am in San Fran! Find a parking spot for the holiday weekend? Good sex? More people not less though.

I had a bath in the bus last night. I boiled some water and just used the sink. I exfoliated my whole body and used soap! it was a revelation. 5 months in and i have never had a hot sponge bath in the bus! Some ideas come to me too easily, some, im a little slow!

I had a hilarious walk yesterday. I was deep in thought about my sexual freedom and all the positives of being a strong, sexual woman, how excited i was to be incorporating that into my life again, when a lean, grey haired man in his 50s, came towards me on a road bike, in full gear, at speed. As he drove past he broke my reverie by calling out “ohh look at that. what a hottie. phew” with a sharp intake of breath. After the shock, the realization of the juxtaposition of the thoughts i was having and the experience my body was having in the world at the same time hit me…and i nearly died laughing. It came out of nowhere. He seemed so professional and was definitely of comfortable means. And he sounded so old fashioned. Then a few minutes later a man in his 60s called after me that i had very “psychedelic” pants on. Drawing my attention to the fact that he was watching me and my legs from behind while i walked away. These kind of daily interactions rub up against my belief of being able to be a liberated, sexual woman. It stops me dressing how i want, saying what i want and even walking with the gait i would like. But it will not stop me wanting to be able to use my body how i choose without judgment or unwanted attention.

Craigslist Personals: Desperate Times.

i often stop writing half way through what i was saying. I get bored of the story so I dont push it. yesterday my obsession with sex took over. i spent the whole day looking up people online, messaging a couple of people on t/b (gonna have to abbreviate that shit or come up with a universal name for them that isnt “dating apps” maybe DAs). I even ventured on to craigslists casual encounters section. I expected it to be filled with adverts for massage and escorts, but instead there were mostly just posts from people looking for certain sexual experiences, right now. the more i read, the more i was thinking it might work for me if i posted what i wanted. my frustration was building so much that by about 5pm i posted my first ad on craigslist. 19 hours later i have nearly 150 replies and I’m slightly overwhelmed, still incredibly frustrated and I still havent gotten any sex.

Very laid back and experienced Brit looking for experienced, kinky men – w4mm

Dominant, experienced, very open, non judgmental woman looking for a man/men/bi men to help me shake off some pent up sexual energy.

I’m currently particularly interested in:
MMF; Bi MMF; Cuckold; Alpha in the street, sub in the sheets!; Rimming; Pegging; Cum eaters; Taboo roleplays; Gangbangs; DP.

I am looking to play this week. If you’ve read this far and think you, or you and all your friends, might be up to the task, please email with the subject “I want” and include in your message what you want to get up to, your experience, a dick pic and a face pic.

I will need you to be able to host.

I think the problem is figuring out who i get turned on by, from just pictures. Someone needs to have a very attractive face for me to want to meet them off the internet. I think I need a new way to asses my interest. Because there are over 100 men in the area who want to have interesting and kinky sex with me and I cant figure out who I’m even attracted to. I also want to re frame how i weigh up sex, attractiveness, kinks and what turns me on. If i expand my potential pool of mates by lowering attractiveness down from number one in my priorities, I may actually get more satisfying sex. What if i want a slave. Some one to cook for me, bathe me, massage me and please me how i want and be my toy to use and treat how i want for the evening. His looks no longer need be a priority. His willingness to serve and his skills and tool he has for serving me becomes the priority.

From the responses to my ad, I can tell the majority of the men are identifying as dominant and will be conceding to let a woman take control so they can experience something exciting with someone they want to fuck any way. I think it is time for me to experience a truly submissive man.

Ok now with that re-framed in my mind there are too many men I can meet. I think I should do 5 minute speed date calls to see if we click. Saves messages. And if we do we can meet right away.

Yes. This is me currently planning how to be able to get more sex. Weirder sex. I want an exchange of sexual kinks and games and events to be another strand of society and culture to be fully and openly explored, talked about and shared. But like all my ideas of how the world should be, it is a conceptual fantasy not a plausible reality or an alternative solution.

Im in the launderette right now. Wanna get taken to the bathroom and fucked on the sink. I dont know why i am overflowing with sexuality right now. this week. this month. but i love it. i am at my happiest when my sexuality is in full bloom. when i want all the men and all the penis. it is my energy resource! gonna get my laundry out and think about penis more. i better have more to write about later!

I Want Sex

I want Sex. I can’t find any. I am talking to a fewwww guys on tinder and bumble but nothing is jumping out at me. No one I can really be bothered to have a conversation with, let alone suggesting a swinging from the rafters type session with! I get frustrated at times like this. Cause it should be easy but it’s not! I wish I could approach someone in public if I wanted them. I have giant balls. But not when it comes to approaching men. I’d love to walk into Walmart (I’m parked here, it’s not part of the fantasy) and see a hot guy and just tell him I wanted him to come back to the bus and fuck me. I guess I’ve done it in nightclubs and pubs a lot. Just never in daylight! And not for a very long time. Also. I’m bussy now. Hairy and smelly. It doesn’t lend itself to spontaneity! But I need Sex. Asap. And I also really need some interesting sex asap. I want a hotel gangbang. I might have to try and arrange something for San Fran. I’m going to do laundry and get on the computer and figure things out.

20th November

I’ve had quite a quiet few days. I spent a lovely 24 hours with Sarah from friday afternoon. We had a hike around a park, got me some free maps, made dinner and watched Grimm. I parked up at hers too and spent the night in the bus there. We hung out more the next day too, Saturday morning. She cooked me French Toast which was delicious. We got on so well. I have no older female friends. And barely ever get to spend time with normal women. Well Sarah isnt normal! She is fantastic. We connected a lot about how we cope in the world and how we try to survive. I always believe i meet the right people at the right time and vice versa. I think we have both come away with alot to think about and a renewed confidence in the path we are taking with our lifes at the moment and the personal skills we are working on. I love connecting to open people through/on the simililarities in things you dont think anyone else experiences. When your crazy matches. It makes me feel a bit less crazy and a bit more valid.

After a week working on my new website and a day with my new friend I needed a couple of days off. I went back to the park Sarah took me to as its free at the moment and just parked up and watched Grimm. I didnt even go for a walk. When the park closed I parked up at some institute, thought it was like a college maybe, and settled in for the night. Around midn

Trying To Start

Argh I have stuff to do but i just need to write. i feel so good. yes. im pretty high but i have been having a lot of ideas, or thoughts this morning. i listened to a podcast about feminism and hear about Catherine Hakim and Economic Capital. She is everything I would say…..

…..I was trying to start writing about a feminist podcast that id been listening to and each time i re read it i needed to change it. i couldnt get it write. i cant get what i think in my head to make clear sense on the page. to a third person. that is what being good at writing must be. I cant communicate my ideas very well at all, but I can tell stories. Also formulating my own feminist theory isnt something I can probably bust out in half an hour in starbucks. so for now. I will only write about what i can comfortably enjoy re reading.

I felt like i had a million things to write when i came in and sat down, but trying to formulate that has left me much clearer headed. and less high. I think high time is ideas time and i need less thoughts when i write. all i did yesterday was sit in starbucks and build the website. it felt great. i was tired at the end of the day.

im supposed to be meeting someone here from tinder later, but ive already decided i dont want to. i missed that he had one of those faces that looks good in photos but not so much when its moving. its a thing. ive learnt to pick them out normally, but this conversation escalated to coffee invite before i got to fully check it out. Worst case though I talk to someone for an hour our so. I forget that most people dont expect immediate sex from a first meet! I think its cause more normal people are doing internet dating now, rather than it just being sex or marriage obsessed people, like it was 5 – 10 years ago. Im trying to remember now when my first online date was, when did I discover it. I might have to check my list. Ok. 30th June 2010. Tim. I remember him. We might even still be friends on Facebook. Plentlyoffish.com. My first tinder was 26th November 2013. Taylor. He was and is amazing. And I cant believe how many people i fucked in real life meeting!!!!! Out of my first 300, only FIFTEEN of them were off the internet! I literally cant believe it. But 30ish out of the last 45ish since my first tinder are off the internet. So the ratio of real life to internet changed dramatically! Ah the partying days. The Australia years. Ok. Work time.

November 15th

I didnt finish the last time I was writing. That wasnt even all of that day. I ended up going 40 miles south after to meet another guy. But he turned out to know how to take a good photo better than be a person i could stand being around. I just couldnt see how i saw what i did in the photos when I saw him in real life. A total let down. He was acting, and talking, exactly like an ex who did meth and heroin. He had no respect for my bus and was just so on edge. Within 15 minutes of meeting him I had to tell him I was too uncomfortable with him to carry on and had to take him back home. He was a bit better on the drive back but damn I was relieved to get him out my bus. So I drove to McDonalds and watched some TV and enjoyed my night alone.

Monday morning I drove down to Santa Rosa to get some cheap weed to keep me going a while and I started this. Then went for a drive around the area where the wildfires burnt all the homes, unintentionally, on the way to the park. It was devastating. Then I had a nice walk around the park and a dance up on a platform with a nice view. I went to AT&T to get my phone working again and good internet. I ate a early dinner at Chipotle and went and parked in the suburbs behind the main street for the night.

Tuesday was my 3 year wedding anniversary. Ive been divorced 1 year and 5 months. And I was in a great mood. Not because of that, but luckily I suppose, cause today isnt as perky. I didn’t have any grand plans. I came to Starbucks and did a broadcast on Live.Me. Made nothing. I did write up my resume though for the project/life experiment. Im feeling really good getting things down for once. I have to keep pushing. Just open the computer and do this. Then I ended up speaking to mom and dad for a few hours. I went for a walk in the park again and met a lovely lady while I was hanging upside down on exercise equipment. We just kept chatting away and I told her about the project and she told me its what her sister does and its called Abundance Exchange. I have googled it but cant find anything about a movement or a website, but that term is very good. It might help communicate my idea. I took her number and said we should do a walk around the park together in a few days and she was very happy. Its raining today so I am going to call her tomorrow morning or tonight and see if she fancies a walk tomorrow. I treated myself to a Panda Express dinner and a night of Grimm and joints. I talked to a couple of dead ends on Tinder and went to bed way too late.

Not feeling as bright today, so I put on some make up and have come to Starbucks to do some writing. Of course within being here 5 minutes the foreign guy sitting behind me just has to get up and hit on me. And then come back and talk again, and again, in increasingly more awkward exchange. So now I cant do live.me cause he is sat behind be and i cant really stop writing or look around for fear he is going to come talk to me.
There are a few matches on Tinder that I could potentially meet up with here but nothing is grabbing me yet. Its raining today so no hiking either. I plan to get some form of my project constructed today. Or at least started.

November 11th 2017

Testing. Working

Ok so i have a idea. Of what, of all, i can do with my time and myself at the moment and that is to exist and be me. I cant have a job. Im not doing bus life to move from job site to job site. I have learnt so much the last 3 months. And i am in such a good place right now. I want to start work on my website. I want to write what i do every day, so i can read it back. I want my voice to be one that is speaking to me. I dont have anything to say or anyone to speak for, a point to make. I just want to live my life and document it. I wouldn’t preach my ideas and thoughts on current affairs to myself in a diary. So that is how i will approach my writing. I am writing it for me. Also i have a idea of how to now get by in harmony with bus life. I want to offer my task based services. Along with writing what i am doing I will write what i need, what i want to build, where i am trying to get to, and see what services I can exchange for that help. I want to list my resume as a ridiculous collection of skills i can offer to anyone for anything. Just not jobs. Anything. taking a old lady for a walk, being a domme, gardening, a plus one for a event, someone to just get all your errands done when you dont have time, moving house, a extra pair of hands, someone to go to AA with you for the first time, someone confidential you can just talk at, a true task based personal assistant.

So today I started up on a property in Eureka, with a man and his two dogs. Iv been trimmming his weed since weds, but it was really shitty and took me like 3 days to make not even a pound and that meant I was making less than $50 a day. I had slept with him, as that was the arrangement, but it wasnt working for me. He was just not not the same page and his dogs were super annoying. And there was zero attraction on my part and zero ability on his part. So I decided to get out of there. I hate being around people I dont like. I get physically restrained, it hurts. My body is still all tense and sore now. But my head is in a way better place. I told him i was having a hard time cause it was the anniversary of a event, which it is, but that it was that that meant I had to get away and leave, right then and there. I just really want to be doing this how I want now. I am ready. But i do this all the time also . Writing it out and then never doing it. This isn’t a elaborate idea though. I just want to start by writing up my day each day.

I have driven about 150 miles south, back to Ukiah. I might see Ross tonight but he is being weird about being free or not. I only want to see him now cause im going. I want to go to the wilderness around Bakersfield. Also cause its the anniversary and im getting drawn there again. Its very strange. I can go into the lawyer office though. I think I drove all the way with just a pee break. Had a oil change up in Eureka and all my fluids topped up. Bussy is making some struggling noise but its a bit quieter now after that. But im aware with 3500 miles ahead there may be trouble. I dont quite know what im doing next now. Im parked in the In n out parking lot so i cant stay here. Ill probably go down to Walmart.

I definitely just ran away today. I couldnt work fast enough to make staying there and putting up with someone i dont like, and his dogs and have the lingering issue of more sex in the air, worth it. It wasnt worth it without the sex! Im not a fast enough worker. I gave that shit a go. I dont think im very good at it. Way too slow. And you have to work with people. And pay attention for more than five minutes at a time, which I struggle with!

The sky on the drive down was magical. I tried to do a live me broadcast, but full phone and bad service didnt make it work great. I want to rearrange the bus and get some black liners for the curtains. Re do the kitchen. Im gonna stay here till tomorrow or Monday cause there is a weed shop i need to go to in Santa Rosa on Monday. There is also a boy i wanna meet between here and there. So we will see.

Im done for now, this is hard!

Stepping back

After all the changes of plans and road blocks I have faced already I am gonna step back from sharing on social media and stop thinking of this as my time to be making art. I want to keep my own diary. And I want to settle into this lifestyle. I’m going to do proper hikes. And that’s about it. Do all the free things. Just keep doing. Lighten up again. I want to react like a reasonable human. Not let my BPD react for me. I think I want to just be a normal person for a while. Haha a normal abnormal.