So another day started and I gave in and looked at Twitter and immediate am embroiled in the “man or bear” debate. By embroiled I mean reading one persons tweets and the replies. And then commenting on two replies. Sooo not life or death. But the constant sex wars online mean if I engage, then I am surely going to be trying to reason with rabid men and ugly women that, yes, in fact, it is quite dangerous to be a woman around men and justifying my position by explaining my own negative experiences. I am then in that mind set. I am the female victim, fighting for all women, trying to make men see it from our side, the desperation to be heard, understood and validated by the men who refuse to see. It all gets too much and impacts my current reality. It changes the now from one of abundant freedom, to a smaller, more vigilant, scarcity mind set. It makes me not want to create and give. It makes me want to withhold my female creativity cause the male has created an unsafe environment. It isn’t even usually one specific male. It is the conceptual male. The likely hood of encountering a bad man goes way up in my estimation. The evil that is the online misogynist, could be hiding in any man you meet, that viscous, primal, cruel, hatred of the female they do not posses. The ephemeral feeling of being prey, makes it harder to create and play. It is why I have to keep trying to avoid looking in the morning. I am giving away my freedom to self determine, to be free of the male burden. Their expectation upon my body to be who they want me to be inside.
In the fast-paced, digitally-driven world we live in, our connection to our own bodies and our understanding of sex have been overshadowed by misconceptions and societal taboos and cultural conditioning. In the quest to understand and reshape our relationship with sex and the body, we must start with a foundational truth: Sex is not just a dirty act or a biological necessity; it is a cornerstone of the human animal, an intrinsic element of our essence. My work is dedicated to rekindling this lost connection and transforming how we perceive and experience our sexuality and bodily awareness.
Sex as a Core Principle of the Human Animal Central to this philosophy is recognizing sex as a core principle of the human animal. Our sexuality is not an isolated or superficial part of our existence; it is a fundamental aspect of our identity, deeply intertwined with our physical and emotional selves. This recognition is crucial in developing a healthier, more holistic understanding of our sexual nature.
Understanding the Female Sexual Cycle A pivotal part of this journey involves a thorough understanding of the female sexual cycle. This cycle reflects the complex interplay of hormones, emotions, and physical states, beyond just reproductive functions. Embracing these natural rhythms allows women to connect more deeply with their sexuality, acknowledging it as a powerful expression of their being. The menstrual cycle, with its shifts in desire and mood, isn’t merely biological; it is a dance of the human animal’s intrinsic rhythms.
Embodiment Through Pleasure Embodiment, the practice of fully inhabiting one’s body, is essential in my approach to sex education. In a world where disconnection from our physical selves is common, finding pleasure in our bodies is both an act of rebellion and a path to healing. Sexual pleasure is not just about physical sensation; it’s a profound way of knowing ourselves, of tapping into the primal consciousness that lies at our core. In practice, this means not just exploring what brings us physical pleasure, but also understanding how this pleasure connects us to our deeper selves. It’s about recognizing the role of sexual pleasure in our overall well-being and self-awareness.
Practical Applications and Open Dialogues My work involves creating spaces for open, honest conversations about sex and the body. I strive to provide accurate information that challenges myths and encourages an inclusive, respectful understanding of sexuality. These dialogues and educational efforts focus on safe, consensual sexual exploration, emphasizing the importance of understanding and respecting personal boundaries, communicating desires, and engaging in mutually fulfilling experiences.
Conclusion: A Call for Transformative Understanding This journey is a transformative one, moving us away from the shadows of shame and misinformation into a space of empowerment and celebration. By redefining our relationship with sex and our bodies, we do more than improve our intimate experiences; we reconnect with the core of our human animal, fostering a profound understanding and respect that permeates all aspects of our lives. It is a journey of healing, empowerment, and embracing the essence of our humanity.
There is a reason I speak about things. I know. From experience. First hand. Many more truths than you can comprehend. Unless you too have the same quantity and quality of first hand experiences, you have absolutely nothing to say, or offer me. I’ll add your data to my information pool, but it won’t change anything I have to say, or disprove anything I have done and know. You are nothing. You are a point in an expansive data set that is my brain. So if you want to scream your differeing opinion or attack me about how I’m wrong, link me to your 15 years of writing, research and relevant experience, or set up your own platform and articulate your points, create, cause you cannot effect what I make or do, your experience of the world is up to you. I see your projection and low IQ takes. You are all midwits, loosers, fakes. Fuck off. I don’t care if no one ever gets to see, or benefit, from what I know, from being me.
If you haven’t fucked 1000 men, 60% in a professional, legal, brothel setting, you cannot talk to me about male sexuality, sex, the human body, commodification, capitalism, female sexuality, society, sex work, porn, intimacy, peoples insides, intimate conversations, what men only show during sex, mental health, the human animal, fundamental needs.
If you haven’t been a sex worker for 13+ years, you cannot talk to me about sex work, porn, male sexuality, toxic cultures, men, social attitudes and feminism.
If you haven’t been an artist or writer for 25+ years, you cannot speak to me about free speech, creativity, art, merit, philosiphy, ideology, feminism, society, culture or masculinity.
If you haven’t lived in more countries than me, 3, then you cannot speak to me about international observations, politics, the western condition or society.
Unless you have met 100,000 + people from every corner of the globe, you cannot talk to me about people, personality, patters, society, culture, humanity and cilization, relationships, behaviour, or stereotypes.
Unless you have spent 5+ years living in isolation, you cannot talk to me about the human condition, mental health, lonliness, society, culture, politics, enlightement, spirituality, history, civilization of the battle of the sexes.
Unless you have lived, unhoused in the wilderness for 3+ years, you cannot speak over me about nature, the human animal, the physical body, men, the conciousness of flying insects, energy, reality, space, time, or anything in the physical the universeve.
If you are not in the top 2% of IQ, you cannot know anything I do not, you cannot see the world or even comprehend what I know.
Unless your brain is a hyperconnected AI network, you cannot comment on the patterns in the world, in people and in society and culture.
Unless you have rebuilt your body from scratch, recoonnected to every single muscle and fiber in your being and restructured your posture, symetry and aesthetiscs, you cannot tell m anything about the body, the human animal, the mind body connection, being embodied or the female physical enlightenment.
Unless you have had 300+ hours of intensive therapy, I do not want to hear what you have to say on mental health, trauma, parenting, personality, ego, enlightenment, embodiment, mind body connection, their sexuality, their body, narratives and conditioning.
Unless you have been persuing an alternative path, conciously, in your number one special interest, operating outside of narratives and biases for 16+ years, you have nothing to say to me on sex, feminism, masculinity, the body, male female duality, freedom, enlightenment.
If you have not lived for many years as a ego free, natural human animal, I don’t repect anything you have to offer me.
I am over pretending to care that being me makes other people feel bad. I am a high IQ, unique, well educatedd, upper middle class, artist, and I’m fucking proud to be me, to know what I do and see the world the way I do. If you disagree with me, kindly fuck off and climb your own mountain. I’ll seee you and respect you when you raise yourself up to my level on your own path. Until then, you are nothing but a data point in my view from above.
The “evil woman” narrative is proliferated so good men never find out how the other men really treat women.
I have been getting bombarded with the “evil woman” narrative for a long time from the left and the right sides of the ideological aisle. Due to many unfortunate relationships since moving to America, I gained a new insight into the existence of an “evil woman”, the narccisist mother, and her impact on their children and society. So I was primed to fall for this relatively new assault on the female character. Obviously an assyakt on the female character is nothing new. But this violent, machieovelian, hard bitch “evil woman” seems a new developement.
Left
Right
Where it has come from – what is it a reaction to? Both sides.
What I have seen in rl?
Evil Women:
Gender Critical women, white women, middle class women, radical feminists, 2nd wave feminists, trad wifes, false rape accusers, false abuse accusations, women tricking men into pregnancy, women are just as abusive in relationships as men, women murder men, women have affairs, women get divorced purely cause they “aren’t satisfied”, women plot to murder their husbands as much as women are killed by men, woman are sluts who have been run through more than a porn star, women who hit men deserve to be hit back, women who are being abused or attacked did something to deserve it, accusations of rape are slut regret, women who ask for quality are uppity karens, mothers are narcissists, the devouring mother, the attractive woman only has privilege, skinny women are oppressive, fake tears, pregnant women attack gangs of black youths, white women are a threat to black men, female children who are white are allowed to be the toys of asian men, why didn’t she leave, if she was scared why didn’t she do xyz, women who want children are oppressors, women who don’t want children are selfish bitches, being sexual is disgusting, being sexual is your only worth, you cannot say what you want because you’re a woman, how dare a woman speak plainly, shes a bitch, how dare a woman have self esteem and any standards, boundaries? female boundaries are a genocide against men when men want to pretend to be women or women not be sexually harassed, it is the womans boundaries that is the problem, not the mens desire, women who don’t act like victims, women who recover from abuse.
Women who are acceptable;
Silent women who enjoy celebrating men, cheer for the parodies of womanhood either from men or bimbo women, strong woman raising kids silently supporting her man, a woman without a cycle, a hormonally suppressed woman, chubby women, agreeable women, soft women, squishy, shapeable to the environment, women that smile when they are harassed, women that say yes when they mean no, women who have no past, women who havent been abused, women without the awareness of male patterns, a woman with appropriate hobbies, unthreatening.
I have got a lot to sort out and put in order in relation to my realisation that we clearly do still need feminism or some kind of womens rights, cause of everything from Andrew Tate, to Dana White hitting his wife, to shaming women in the gym for feeling threatened, or all the other litany of examples.
Feminism shit. Feminism is shit. Everyone hates it. It has done more harm than good.
Well, not entirely. It got women equal rights, in law, and protection as a sex class, due to our capacity to reproduce and the risk that puts us in from the other sex class. But feminism demanded to make the body political, to make culture political, to be seen as equal, to have the right to medical procedures. It went too far. The mainstream lags behind the artists, comedians, writers, philosophers, film makers…creatives, by 20 – 100 years, the alternative scene a few years between. By the time the creative vision is filtered through the alternative scene and their slightly less nuanced, slightly misinterpreted, slightly twisted to fit their personal style, translation of the original ideas it has clearly lost some of the genius. Then these ideas, styles, knowledge, music, lifestyle, get passed out to the masses once the corporations have decided how to monetize the “next big thing” they seen in the alternative scenes. That is how we end up with “feminist” t-shirts in Target and 50% of men expressing their hatred of women even more publicly than before the third wave feminism went mainstream. Its how everyone is vomiting rainbows. Its how good ideas fail. And how the rejection of the idea proves even more, the need for the original creative vision.
There is no current specific “wave” of feminism. More now has it just broken down into more specific directions of feminism. Socialist, Intersectional, Gender Critical, Radical, and probably many more. The problems go back to before a fracturing. Yes. There are different types of women. But guess what feminism is for? Women. If you aren’t one, it doesn’t apply. If you are, it does. It needs to be that simple and universal.
Simple things like the single woman rule. If a woman is on her own, do not approach her. She can approach you if she needs help, assistance or to communicate at all. But under no circumstances, does a man need to approach a woman who is going about her life in public alone.
A right to know and understand your sexed female body, through all its ages and stages, and how to be embodied.
A culture that supports and nurtures an environment for familes to thrive.
A right to female only spaces.
A culture that supports and promotes the reality of how to perform any of our many roles in the world well. Well, meaning you provide the function of the role to a first principle standard.
Abortion laws need to be abolished, along with any other law that attempts to exert control over the adult body. If a doctor wants to dedicate their life to killing babies, then they can deal with the consequences. Same as a doctor cutting up a womans arm to give her a fake penis is allowed. If you are pro life, you don’t need to go to doctors or hospitals that offer abortion as there will be just as many that don’t. The free market and individual concious born of culture will decide.
Men continue to rape and abuse women because no one hears about the reality of most women enough. Enough women have NOT said what has happened to them. The ones that do are often sensational, in terms of fame or perpetrator or extremes of violence, or grey areas, in terms of frat party slut regret. I think my essay on why its yes all men to me, is the kind of stories that need repeating over and over again. It’s the stories of women whos husbands or partners have fucked them in their sleep. It’s the casual sexual harrasment in crowded places. It’s someone you know. It’s this bloke who looks totally normal. It’s your son. It IS your brother. ETC. 25% of men would rape, at LEAST. And 20% of them don’t even think what they have done is rape. Men don’t think their actions are criminal. More of a conversation and more reality and honesty is needed. With a first principles approach to sex and the body, society and culture could change the narrative around sex to the extent that concious individuals will not be able to do things that violate another human. They are more likely to be less disfunctional humans. Feminists won’t ever be able to address or appropriately fight male violence against women until they are willing to come to terms with the fact that they are a sexed human animal and learn to become embodied. They have to drop the fear and narratives around their bodies. The cultural conditioning, shame, pain, guilt, hate, fear, resentment, jealousy, that all stems from the disconnection of most women from their bodies. I bet even reading this, half the women will still be offended and defensive about these claims. Any reaction anyone has to me or my ideas just highlights what that persons weak spot is for me. It says nothing about my ideas or thoughts. It is purely a reflection of their insecurities. And I can read it in most people from a mile off. So women won’t be able to stop MVAW without first stopping their own mental and physical violence against their OWN bodies. This is not a political or legal solution. Feminism should NEVER have made the body political. Obviously rape is a crime. But most rapes could be eradicated through a new perspective on sexed human bodies.
Common sense reality for women. Femalism. Womens rights. Something is still needed. But politics and law are not the answer. A reckoning with what it means to have a sexed female body and being female, in relation to the male, other females, your children, family and community. A reckoning for what it means to have a sexed male body and how to master it and harness its power for the better of yourself, family and community. An understanding that both sexes are needed to be funtioning to their full potential for the human race to flourish in the future. The grace to accept the other and the space to enjoy our differences. Freedom comes from structure and a funtional human. A funtional human is free to live however they want to be. But there is a limited way to be funtionally free.
In most cases family is better for a child than the state. Many feminists on the left see the state as a benevolent parent, I do not. Why would anyone give their child to be guided by the state? Why is asking questions about that so enraging for these busy “feminists”? https://twitter.com/ThePosieParker/status/1633799220200108034
This Confused Girl Says “Like” 1 Million Times…but She’s Not Wrong https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aK2Txz1PoaA
If I don’t have a penis or strip am I still a woman? #BillyBragg #KJintheUSA #letwomenspeak #st… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-0maHrub7w
10% actually planned to not have children.
— Chris Williamson (@ChrisWillx) February 4, 2023
Which leaves a whopping 80% of non-mothers who are childless due to life circumstances but wanted children – the most common reason being that they didn’t find the right partner early enough.
Source: Professor Renske Keiser
This is just more proof for me as to why I don’t get on with most people. Most women. I am so different from the majority in all major factors, so add them all up and I really am rare in my perspective and experience on this planet. In terms of women who think the same as me re children, I am the same as the 10% of women who don;t want children who havent had them. Most women who haven’t had them, want them. I cannot comprehend. Out of the happy childless women, how many are age appropriate as a friend, how many are sex workers, how many are artists aswell, how many are loners, how many live in the wilderness? I would imagine HC women will have similar interests or ways of life cause of all the reasons they are HC will affect what interest we have. But finding each other in the same place, at the same time, who are able to interact and WANT to know anyone, I don;t. So when women don’t get me, don;t like me, think I’m hard or mean, they need to realize they are basically a different species. I am not the same as you. I cannot imagine wanting to care full time for other people. I am too important to be the last thing on my priority list. I would not want to believe that what I do bringing up a child wont have a impact on them and the world in a negative way for the rest of their lives. I can’t imagine not being able to say no ever again. I cannot imagine the heartbreak of your baby becoming a teenager and suddenly hating you. The pain and the trauma and the drama and the immersion in the daily minutia of other peoples perspective. Exhausting. Just doing that for me is hard enough. I feel like I’m managing a whole team or system of people just to keep me going. I freeze over every major decision as I am so aware of the potential consequensene I get decision paralazyz, I cannot imagine how hard it would be making decisions that will mold how another human experiences the world. The fact we just let anybody pop one out and do that blows my mind. No child has the right to a good upbringing in this world. And it shocks the shit out of me. We know the devestating consequences of bad parenting and even the huge and often devestating effect of absent parents or even “good” parents who have imparted bad ideas/unhealthy coping mechanisms, or didn’t teach their child how to cope as life was too good, can have. Yet nothing is being done to stop it. There should be standards to be met and specific knowledge, skills and understandings that should be universally applied. But hey, I don;t have to worry about it. I just have to live in a world where the consequencess of all the varieties of parenting are inflicted on me to the extent I can no longer cope with it and have become a hermit. I like people. I hate how they have been raised, domesticated and parented. So it does affect me and I do have a right to care about what all these women who aren’t like me, are doing to their children. I don;t like their minds. But I’m the odd one out who has to suffer their inadequasies and insecurities. Bad Mothers are real and its time to start exploring how far reaching the effect and conesequences of it are.
Oh noooooo. Roe V Wade has fallen.
Women aren’t whole people.
Women will die.
Women will be forced gestators.
Abortion is banned.
Ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage will get you arrested.
Abortion rights are human rights.
My body My choice.
Women can never be equal without access to abortion.
Men are legislating our bodies.
Women will die.
This is awful, lets all just stand in the streets, scream and cry.
Hopefully a riot will get our rights back.
Oh Shut the front door. This is ALL lies. It is now a week after the decision came down that it is not the federal governments right to legislate our bodies. What? You mean the supreme court said….your body your choice? Yeah. So why is everyone so mad? This is what is driving me crazy. The amount of drama, hyperbole, lies and fear mongering are causing women all over the world to be freaking out about all the above statements. I heard 3 different men on Friday, who had read the whole judgement and are pro choice, explain it all, read all the opinions and summarized it with glee. And even from their perspective, I knew it wasn’t a bad ruling. A week later and I’ve only seen one article from the left, covering what is in the judgement and not just screaming about things that it didn’t say. It was written by a lawyer, and it was still mostly their opinion. The article stated it was a 200 page legal document so is very confusing and obviously no one will have read it yet…..what?! I heard from 3 MEN who had read it and interpreted it for an audience, the morning of its release. Why wasn’t the left/pro abortionists doing the same. If they really cared about women, like they claim to, when they know what a woman is, they would have politicians, celebrities, and the media explaining exactly what this means, and what the specific laws in each state are. In stead, they want you to be angry, scared and un informed.
No More Feminism
The Failure Of Sex Work is Work and Third Wave Feminism
The Middle: The Human Sexual Reality Between Religion and Sex Passivity
Why I Dont Need The SJWs or RadFems To Save Me
Instead of wanting to tear down sex work and destroy and deny reality I am actively looking at a way to make it work based on reality and I try and do this every time I work, from what I share, how I do it and my boundaries within my work. Its hard work and life would be easier if I didnt, but I wouldnt be able to live with myself. And might as well do any other job that makes me hate myself, break down and get fired.
White Pill Sex Work
What Do I do?
I always emphasise that I am here for my pleasure as much as theirs, and that they are paying for the privilege of sharing that experience with me, an experienced, professional with the relevant knowledge to give them a quality experience they dont get every day.
One of the number one reasons I see people oppose sex work is that men are paying to cross womens boundaries. I, and other healthy, happy, sex workers dont have a boundary about letting “ugly” men fuck us, and the cash breaks that boundary. What is in fact going on is that we are quite comfortable fucking anyone, we enjoy it, in all their shapes and sizes, cause they are real people. But in this society where one needs to make money to live, and looks and sexuality are highly valued, it makes sense to monetize that reality of your boundaries. I love sex. I love that getting paid for sex means I get to interacrt with bodies I would never have had the opportunity to explore outside of the work.
Within the acts of sex however, we DO have boundaries, and these cannot be purchased or crossed. And the women who succeed and thrive in sex work are very clear about these to themselves and to their clients. Boundaries are also a sliding scale. For me there are some actions that require a premium, mostly cause I dont want to do them all the time in order to maintain physical health. For example, anal. A no go, no option boundary for me, and in ALL legal sex work is the use of condoms. For blow jobs, for cunnilingus, for any time the dick is hard in the professionals presence. He keeps his condom on while he licks the dental dam on my pussy. No, it isnt great for either of us, but it is a condition of the arrangement we accept in order for both of us to get our needs met physically and financially.
The women who do let cash cross their boundaries are the ones who suffer, who hate themselves, hate the clients, and leave the industry to wring their hands with the radical feminists or religious conservatives about the poor women. I am not a poor woman. I do not need saving. Those boundaries that I am perfectly happy with, give me a stronger sense of self than any of those people who had theirs crossed will ever find out of sex work. Its almost like talking about two entirely different spaces. And for me that is one of the central issues. No one should be doing work that makes them hate themselves.
I would never work in a office cause for me, paper pushing and the corporate world would make me hate myself. I value the freedom, a life of questioning the standard narrative have given me,
If sex work is to become the intimacy arts, the consensual boundaries thing needs to be taught to and be the fundamental understand of its process. STOP the narrative that clients are paying someone to do something they wouldn’t otherwise do, and emphasise the variety of boundaries that exist and why its normal. Eg, if someone wanted to work in a cuddle club but wanted no sexual work ever, then they could and should and would feel safe with that.
I have had at least 500 clients and never once did I have an issue with any of them. It was in Australia and the brothel culture is very normal there and the men understand the rules. Yet another example of clear rules meaning everyone can have fun and relax and that the work is mutually beneficial and non exploitative.
However I caveat that with, I did see a lot of other girls have problems with clients throught the years in all elements of sex work. However again, this shows me I am doing something, know something, or model to the clients, something that other people are not in these scenarios. That is why I want to analyise how I have lived my authentic belief in how sex and sex work should be and share the good, bad and the yet to improve, elements, what I see are the failures and signifiers of these failures in society and sex, and how I know they can be better. Not just for in sex work, but in all parts of the physical human experience and fix the core issue at the root of society and cultures failures, sex.
The central narrative that joins all people and cultures and society are the physical reality of our human bodies, all their functions, needs and wants included..
I dont know why people think our material reality is a bad thing, not enough etc.
being a human being is why we are valuable and all there is is our physical reality
Well it has been a long time since Ive written and a lot has developed for me. I think its worth pointing out that I have spent the last 3 years working with multiple therapist for my mental health and working on fixing postural issues and trauma encoded in my body. During this process I have been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. I relate heavily to the diagnosis of Asperger’s even though we arent supposed to call it that anymore. But it matters to me. Asperger’s is a very certain type of Autism that is mostly associated with men, and male genius, and male behavior that is actually normalized by society, where as a woman with Asperger’s is the opposite of what society says a woman should be. So in terms of people understanding me clearly, I think it important to identify with something that is typically considered male.
This has also been my journey with sexual devolopment. Taking on the role, attitude, performance or male sexuality in order to highlight how contradictory our male and female sexual narratives are.
Where I was at when I last wrote about this, was a place of burden. I knew sex was wrong. I knew the sex I had been having wasnt what I wanted. I had thought of how it might be different and with this knowledge I tried to have the sex I wanted by doing all the work. I would make them lay back while I indulged in their bodies for hours, and got a 5 min of standard foreplay in return. Ive helped men explore their interest in strap on and anal play, and got nothing in return. My pleasure was received by doing things I wanted to, even if it wasnt directly pleasurable for me. Pleasuring in a way that was heading towards something different in the hopes that they would mirror back to me an exploration and adventure into my body. It never happened. Never once.
The straw that broke the camels back was my last fuck buddy/boyf. I discolsed all my mental and physical needs, and yet within a matter of weeks, sex became a function for him to have an orgasm. A few minutes of pumping in the morning before he went to work. Me waking him up with a prostate massage, and him cumming and leaving. Spending hours giving pleasure, only to be touched with fear, uncertainty and disgust, in return. Fucking his ass, the thing that drew me to him the most, his sexy, sultry moves, sensuality and moans, all dissapeared into the function of him getting his the way he wanted. And after he would cum I would be left again, unattended to. All this made me feel sick to my stomach. His relationship skill was as retarted and selfish as his sexuality. So I cut him out of my life and didnt look back. Luckily it only took a couple of months to get rid of this weight dragging me down.
Since then I have prioritised me. I couldnt improve mentally or physically with toxic men leaching off me. So I made a conscious decision, with the assistance of the pandemic, to remain celebate until all the problems dick has caused me, have been resolved. As a single woman I am the queen of the world, unstoppable force of creativity and adventure. With a man around I am sick, tired, broken, weak, unable to get out of bed and intensely depressed. Welcome to another factor of being a Aspie. This time has lead me to realized how much I thrive and do when Im entirely alone and how bad other people make me feel. Instead of lowering myself to find men I could get a tiny bit of physical connection and reality from by giving everything and getting nothing, I decided to pour all that attention onto myself. Onto me as a sexual woman. Onto me who already gives a large part of myself and sexuality away proffessionally. I found I also do wayyy better on cam when I am single. All that sexaul desire gets funneled into work space where I can truly indulge in a kind of cyber sexual reaality where I get some of my needs met by working. I never found the right kind of men to play with in the real world. But online there are thousands who like the same shit as me. They arent worthy of me in real life, but getting paid to share my sexual reality is also my kink, so I get off.
Anyway. Work had been a reflection of the burden of good sex I was carrying. I was not there to be penetrated or used for a mans pleasure. They are my toys to use as I please. But the longer this went on, the more it felt like the last relationship, where the dynamic moved from my enjoyment to their using me for their pleasure. I was doing a lotttt of work in pegging shows, in shows where I lead. The man, just laying back, being given pleasure by an expert. That didnt feel like I was dominant, or alpha or in control. It felt like the games men play to get women to do things they think they want to but is ultimately for the mans pleasure (see lib feminism “twerking for daddy” isnt liberation, neither is waxing, or makeup or bdsm).
Some time in the last few months, I decided to put my resentment for men down. I consciously chose to rewrite the narrative I had of my relationship with men. I have many different narratives of my life or elements of myself, depending on what angle, mood, day, etc, one looks at me from. i.e. All men have abused me and used me, Im sick of giving anything to them.. What is also true is I fucked every hot dude I wanted, I love collecting sexual experiences and I love dick. A great realization in this process is “I love the male human animal, but I hate how he is domesticated and socialized in every part of this planet.”
I love the physical reality of men.
The physical reality of existence is where I am focused on living. Reality, not opinion, thoughts or feelings. But what is physically present in my presence. How my body feels in that reality. How bodies could interact when all there is is physical reality. If two or more bodies were present in the void, how would they want to interact. No narratives, no history, no baggage, no morals, no norms, no domestication.
This is where my idea for the man laying back while I spend hours exploring him came from. The naive, curious exploration of a new landscape you have no pre existing assumption or expectations of. This would be a beautiful experience if it is mutual. But for me it never has been. Even in the last relationship where my understanding was explained, the conditioning of the male sexual narrative was so strong that it automatically took over.
With work I have been able to continue along this line of inquiry about what I really want from female led sex. What really is female dominance or sexuality? What do I really want when I let go of all programming and the consideration of male pleasure.
Another useful starting point for me has been the awareness that a man will cum no matter what. Why do we need to do things to the penis that is about speeding up the male orgasm? Anything that speeds up a mans pleasure, reduces a womans. The woman doesnt need to worry about stimulating the male at all. His pleasure is so easily accessed that he need only focus on the woman and not himself.
Being fully present sexually is to be fully engrossed with what is in front of you. Not to be lost in your own brain. Your pleasure comes from being aware of the present. That includes the external body you are focused on as well as the sensations in your own body…but NOT the thoughts, feelings and opinion of what is happening. No mind. Only body.
I think my previous writings also came from a time of black and white thinking. When I decided what sex shouldnt be, I limited what sex could be. My own trauma and narratives on men limited me accessing a very important part of me, my hyper sexiality. Sex had become more one dimensional as there was only to be; enlightened, curious, slow sex. But that contradicted one of my fundamental understandings of the nature of female sexuality, our cyclical nature.
As I opened back up to accepting I like the male human animal, I started remembering how much I like 3somes, gangbangs and as much dick as possible. I started being more flexible with wanting a variety of things through my monthly cycle. At work I noticed there were times where it was really easy to be hypersexual, others where I just wanted to be mean, others where I wanted to be soft and sweet, other times I just didnt even feel horny for a week. If I accepted the male human gave me great pleasure in many ways, I would be able to drop into these different phases with enjoyment, as all valid, real parts of me. And parts that arent interchangeable. If a client saw me on a soft open day but came back in the mean phase, I cannot perform the sexuality of different phase. This is the acceptance of sexual reality, I stopeed fighting it. Stopped trying to be one dimensional. Stopped being so protective over my physicality.
From my research and interpretation, I believe the human race is a socio-sexual species. Intimacy was our main form of communication and was the core of our survival. The range of intimacy that would be possible among a group of wild humans would be impossible for most modern humans to imagine. The repertoire of touch and its meanings have been lost. But by indulging inthe cyclical nature of female sexuality there is a chance of reclaiming some.
So let me get specific about what Ive discovered about what my body wants.
Gangbangs. In my informed opinion, humans are a sperm competiotion speciea and not a species that competes physically for one woman. When a woman is at the height of ovulation one is wildly horny. For me persoanlly its a raging drive for as much cock as possible. It makes me think that is how men must feel all the time. It can be all consuming. The hunt for dick and the desire for many. As a sexually liberated woman, I have allowed myself to get these needs met many times in my life. I hae not denied or pusehd down my sexaul reality. When I wanted lots of cock, I got it. 10 at once is my most. And 12 total that night. And before I went out I said it was going to happen, I needed it.
This ovulatory desire for multiple dicks makes total sense when you realized we are a sperm competition species, along with the understanding of sexual vocalisation. The woman moans and vocalises to attract more men to the scene.
As sex would have been used as socialising, most sex/intimacy was out side of the ovulatory period. Men are always horny as womens cycles arent uniform. Men must be ready to group sex whenever a woman is ovulaing. All males in the group need to be ready for each woman. Thus mens more consistent sex drive. It is not cause the male of the species need more sex, it is that they need to be ready for when the women want it their way.
I would imagine womens cycles dont sync up so that all roles get filled in the group. Each part of the female cycle brings different strengths and weaknesses that would help each other and balance out.
Non reproductive sex would have been the relaxed, elongated, curious, lazy exploration of each others bodies. Here, instead of the man laying back while the woman explores, the man would have the same self control and curiosity of the woman. A great example of this play would be sliding a penis against a pussy, teasing with the tip, enjoying the feel of the shaft on the clit, the pressure against different parts. When I have done this while leading, on top, hands free, just enjoying the tease of wiggling on a cock, the man ALWAYS reaches down to “help” me get it inside. ERMMM no. I wasnt trying to get it in. I was enjoying the reality of how that felt. The more I tease the outside like that, the easier I cum. Given men can cum from a few pumps, why not let the woman build herself up in her way using a cock, so when she finally decides she wants it, she really actually does, and orgasm is accesible!
I cant comprehend how sex it would be for me to be laying back while a man teases me with his cock for MY pleasure. He isnt trying to make his cock feel good. He isnt a weak willed little bitch who has to get it in the hole as soon as possible. And like SO MANY men Ive fucked, doesnt use the excuse “I just couldnt help myself.” I cant imagine being able to trust a man to not penetrate me when he wants. And that fucking turns my stomach. But back to the fantasy of the wild hu-man. A man having self imposed self control is so fucking hot.
I am getting super over chastity and domme stuff cause of this. You shouldnt need a fucking cage not to be a gross perv. You should exercise self control. Learn how to NOT get a boner when youre turned on. Learn how to not want to pump your cock as fast as possible. Learn that cumming isnt the destination. Learn real self control. Women go into sex hoping they might cum. Men go into sex expecting to cum. This needs to change.
One time I went on a date with 45 year old film maker who only drank natural spring water and did reiki and was vegan. At his, he offered me a reiki session. I was clearly going through a hard time and he was intelligent and intuitive. He told me to relax and that he wouldnt stop till I said so. He covered me in blankets so I was warm and comfortable and for three hours he gently touched my body in entirely non sexual ways. That is the only experience Ive had where a man has done what he said and completely listened to me to the point that I could relax in his hands in the moment. I didnt need to be on guard to make sure my boundaries were crossed or my trauma triggered.
Previous partners would be uncomfortable, disgusted or scared by the changeable nature of my body and triggers.Their inability to change, be flexible and be open to a different experience each time is another reason no one deserves access to my body. If you arent willing to learn my cyclicality, you definately dont get to use my for your one dimensional sexuality. One day I might love having my neck kissed, the next it might send me into a breakdown. That is not something that I need to worry about hurting a mans EGO! My physical reality in the moment changes. If a man was present in the physical reality of the moment, he would be able to read and adapt. But if there is mind present, ego present, than it will cause a reaction in him which increases my trauma. Dont be angry or frustrated that I dont like something today I did yesterday. Be excited it can be different today than yesterday!!!!!
I ran out of energy for the awfulness of my experiences. Ill come back to it in another new piece.
