Lonliness
I initially wrote this to post on a camgirl forum. But it got too long and I didnt know if it was the right place. I dont know if this is the right place. I dont know if I should say this at all. In this context now it makes me want to talk more about the physical lonliness Im experienceing, how that feels, how important intimate touch is and why I havent had any in so long. But I might do that seperately as that seems tiring to write now. This is yet more painful honesty from me, in a place or way I dont know is right or how it will be recieved. Its not sexy. But I need to say it. Somewhere. Outloud. To other people. In the only way I can, seeing as I have no actual people to speak to. No one to be in the same room as. Typing in to the void of the internet, even when there is a friend on the other end who will teply, is all I have. Text online is my main communication medium. So here we go.
Im too lonely to get on cam. I get this once a month ish, where it just gets too much. Travelling for so long, being entirely alone in this country, having no friends and having no men interested in me (that shouldnt be paying me), and not having had sex or any intimate touch for so long, just gets too much. I have been thinking about it a lot the past few days. In the last 4 years I have only had 2 guys persue any kind of relationship, text me first or want more from me than a second or third bang sesh, and they didnt last long. And I’ve only had a handful of sex repeaters. Some dudes would stay in text contact. But text contact is the only contact with any humans I have and it isnt enough. I also have only had like one female pursue a friendship with me in that time too. Even my AA sponsor doesn’t text or call me, or reply to my messages regularly. I have a couple of girls in different parts of the country or world who will occasionally speak to me via text. And my best friend is a Whatsapp friend Ive only seen twice in 9 years. But the only person I have spent any time with or has gotten to know me in the real world in 4 years is my Mom. Its so painful. I am so sexual and so in need of touch and love. It makes camming at times really really hard. I have just got an apartment in my favorite place ive been since travelling so im hoping to be able to be around the same people consistently, and maybe that will develop into friendships. But its a small town where everyone knows everyone so I dont know how to get my physical needs met. Also it seems to be a really couply place. Everyone is with someone. And its also touristy so lots of families and groups of friends are here having a nice time together. While I just drift around, alone, like a ghost. I’m not really sharing this for any reason except the fact that I need to speak my truth right now and dont know where else to do it. Most people can’t understand. This isnt a case of feeling alone yet surrounded by people. This is legit social isolation. Solitary confinement. No one to be in the same room with, ever. It has changed my brain over the past few years. Therapy is helping me get myself back. But the more me I become the more painful it is that I am entirely alone and no one else likes me or sees me. I cant rememeber what it feels like to have someone be excited to know me, to want to spend time with me, or see me more than once or twice and then never again. I am going to be doing all the things you are supposed to do to meet people, volunteer, go to AA, do sports etc. But I have only got to this new place this week and I haven’t started that yet and know it will be a long road till I actually find people and become close with anyone, so this feeling wont be going away any time soon. Im spiralling on the lonliness, which is what happens once a month like I said. Most of the time my little life Ive made the way I want is enough and this is just background noise I am just always aware of. But right now its full volume and I cant turn it off. I have a womens AA meeting this week where I have spent a bit of time when I have visited before. So that will provide relief. I cant go to regular AA yet tho as one of the main dudes there (in his fucking 60s(see previous post)) hit on me when we went for a hike in the middle of fucking nowhere and broke my trust and the safe space of AA and I am yet to deal with that. The social isolation isn’t through lack of trying. Its from it constantly failing. But here I am again ready to try again cause being entirely alone will literally kill you or send you compleatly insane. I wish it didnt. I wish I could cope with it. But I cant. I need people. We all do. And so many people are lonley and isolated now. It makes it all the more frustrating to not be able to connect, knowing so many other people need it too, yet we cant find each other, or we dont fit or whatever. And the longer the isolation goes on the harder it is to break. i used to know hundreds of people in the real world. I used to go out 5 nights a week. I used to be able to turn up places and always know people. People used to want to know me. I used to have articles writen about me. Celebrities wanted to hang out with me. I used to be someone. Id have people calling and messaging all times of the day and night. And then someone broke me. And nothings been the same since. I have wanted to write about the reality of my lonliness for a long time. But I know it is a super painful thing to hear and read for other people. I need to use my ability to be honest and open freely, to speak my truth about it. To not be ashamed of admitting Im lonely. Cause if so many people that are actually suffering are all pretending we are fine, we wont know we arent actually alone in feeling this way. Id pay to feel alone in a crowd at this point. To have collegues who I dont want to be friends with, to have friends I dont feel get me, to have a boyfriend that isnt quite right. To be alone yet surrounded by people. That is a least a step up from how low Ive gotten.
This IS NOT a call for random internet dudes to offer me their friendship, messaging, dick, or any thing at all. I dont want random internet men to give me any more attention than they already do. That wont solve the problem. And thier motives are painfully apparent, even if they claim otherwise. I dont need another random person to message with. There isnt a solution to this that I dont already know and wont have tried or be trying. This is just my reality. Read it and accept it.
I dont think anyone from the outside would think things have gotten this bad for me. That someone that looks like I do, has the lifestyle I do, does the things I do, would have this much lonliness and isolation. But that is why I want to share this. It could happen to anyone, it could be anyone. The conversations I get with check out people, or the Starbuck baristas are the only ones I have for days on end. This could be the case for anyone you see out and about and not know it. Not know how important those fleeting interactions are. Not know that you will be the only person that speaks to them all week. But if we can start admitting to it, to not be shamed or feel ashamed that this is our reality, maybe something could change, maybe somone might end up less lonely than if they hid it and pretended they are ok. So, I am not ok. I am lonley as FUCK. And that is my reality today.
Edited to add: Now I have said that and released it into the wild, it has helped ease some of that pain, that spiralling lonliness. It did help change how lonley I felt, by admitting to it. Even if no one even reads this. And I wont ever really know as I dont allow comments anyway. Thank god. But I just came back to say, it kinda works. Admitting I am lonley made me feel less lonley. So if this resonates with you, give it a go somehow!
Dogs In Hats Playing Poker And Smoking
So the best analogy I have come up so far about the nature of humans as animals is that between humans and dogs. There are a variety of species of dogs, some more trainable than others, some more domesticated, some wilder, some are still wild and undomesticated, some are so over bred that hinders their quality of life. There is a spectrum of dogs from most over bred, least capeable, efficient, undog like domesticated dogs, to wild dogs born free and never domesticated. And then there are wolves. That cannot be domesticated. I see humans on the same spectrum. Some so conditioned, trained, incapeable of physical activity, incabeable of free thought, unaware of their emotions, slave to the life they have been told to have. Some let elements of their natural wildness out, through agression, extroversion, sex, drugs, etc, without knowing why. Some are are aware of the world around them, some awakened, some self aware. Some get to live wild and free. Some know they are wild but are trapped in the life they have been told to have. Some get to connect to their true selves, some to their deep human nature. There is the same spectrum of domesticated to wild. And then there are the englightened. The ones who can no longer be domesticated in any way. Who embody and experience the true spirit and nature of the whole species.
Balance, The Sexual Cycle
The balance I am searching for will resonate with women because we all have hormonal cycles. As do men. And traditional Sex only caters to one or two phases of these hormones. We all know, a certain time of the month we feel more frisky. (unless you are allowing birth control to control your life, but that is a whole other patriarchal bag of shit, and I for sure do not advocate no birth control, but suppressing our cycle suppresses ourselves and we deserve something better) back to that frisky feeling. I personally have a few days a month, and on some lucky months, up to a week, but usually 5 daysish, where I want all the dick. Every dick. Any dick. And preferably all at the same time. Constantly. This is when I want to get fucked by men. Cock hungry. I want their masculinity, their force, friction, strong hands, pounding, railing, grunting, screaming patriarchal sex. Patriarch the fuck out of me! These must be the days I’m most fertile as women were designed to receive multiple partners in order to get the strongest children. But that is only 5 days. What about the other days? There is another phase in my period where I hate all men, and want to dominate the shit out of them. I want them to feel pain and do what I want. And then the rest of the time…well I just get on with life. But there are times of the month when you want something else. There is something missing. When you are in a relationship, those days where I’m gagging for it seem few and far between. I don’t want the man I love to fuck me…even when it’s making love, it is still traditional Sex. It but is definitely closer to what I want to achieve thought. I want some other kind of intimacy. Something deeper, richer, more loving , gentle, softer, connected, more relaxed, more pleasurable. But, again maybe it’s me and my choice of men, but even when I’m in a relationship, any sign of wanting intimacy and connection leads to them trying to have sex. To relax naked, kissing, without an erection. To caress each other with no pressure of orgasm. This isn’t revolutionary. But it’s not a given like normal Sex is. If women knew we had options for different kinds of Sex that suit where we are at in our cycles, we will be more open and available more often. If men were to start to understand their cycles too then even people looking for one night stands could check with potential partners what they want and are available for that day. I’m imagining a future where men and women understand their cycles and we can be comfortable and informed enough about sexuality and Sex to talk honestly and frankly about it.
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