conversation

So I thought I’d write this side of things down. I never have and I alwys think to. This may end up as nothing. But I feel like something is starting. Obviously I’m high riht now. Stupid Cheese! Makes me really over think evvvverrrything. Makes me depressed too. But anyway. I just had a mega high revelation that I wrote down to my GF.

Alright. From the start then. I saw a dude at the gym last week and I was gone! I’d not been that into a stranger for a very very long time. I watched him the whole time in the gym and was so on edge. After I left I jumped right on Tinder and Bumble to see if he happened to be in my pile to be swiped as I have my location as only 1-2 miles and as we were both in the same room maybe he would be at the top. Unfortunately I didnt find him. I snapped a few pics/vids to my girlfriends about how I fell in love with a stranger at the gym. I’d even snuck a picture of his legs when he was on the calf machine that i sent to them! I was all excited and started perking up after a couple of weeks stuck on the sofa. I have always really liked crushing on boys. And this was a intense crush. After about an hour I got a message on Bumble from a guy asking if I had just been at the gym. I looked at his pictures and he barely looked like the guy at the gym so I asked what he had been wearing, and that confirmed it was infact, hot gym guy! We had matched a few weeks before and had a little chat but as we went to the same gym we decided not to keep talking cause we didnt want awkward gym time! Looking back most guys wouldnt have accepted my position on that and pushed me to change. So i had appreciated that. I was soooo excited that he had found me and messaged. And obviously as I had been trying to find him to do the same I knew why he had messaged me! He told me he knew Id been checking him out and that he had worked out extra hard cause of me and got caught staring at my ass. When I left he was watching me to see if I turned around to look at him. I had been thinking about it, I had hoped he would be there after I got ready to leave, so I could check him out before I left. But there was no way I was gonna look back in a busy gym. However as I walked away down the road I did look back and see if he had happened to be finished and left the gym, or even come out to speak to me. I’m a ridiculous fantasist. We confessed all this to each other and had a good old chat via messages for the next 8 hours and we were definately on the same page about a lot. It was really fun and I couldnt believe I was speaking to hot gym guy, and cause he had come and found me.

The next day he messaged me in the morning that he was going to the gym at 11, which is when I normally go. We had talked about how we were always and forever gonna pretend we dont know each other at the gym, no matter how well we do, to avoid gym awkwardness and gossip. I decided to wait till he left before I went in, but he convinced me other wise and we were gonna be using differnt rooms anyway. I went in and we kept messaging each other while we both worked out in the same building. When he was done I said he should come into the room I was int o use some equipment. He didnt reply but just came in and gave me a big grin and dashed off. He carried on messaging me and asked me out on a dog walk when I was done at the gym. 

Im getting kind of bored of re telling this story. Ive spent the last 2 days doing that with my friends and wasnt why I wanted to start writing today. 

Fast forward to last night. 4th date, since seeing him at the gym 5 days ago. We finally did it. I nearly wanted to wait again, but everything took over. It was everything I wanted it to be and more. He is physically blessed. In every way. And incredibly talented whilst naked. I wanted him, I didnt wanna just get fucked. I wanted to have him. I dont think I have ever done the dates before sex thing for maybe 15 years. Yes. I know. That isnt normal. I, really dont know what to say about that. Ive always connected to someone through sex, then figured out after, and whilst doing it, if I even like the person. I obviously I like the first impression they give, or the fact that they wanna have sex with me. And all I care about is the immediate gratification of knowing ive already got to fuck them. That they want me like that. I’m sure a lot of people would think that that is very sad or a sign of negative feelings about myself, but I’m a collector. Its my hobby too. I am in control of my choices about how I live my life. I get off on sex with new people. It empowers me. Just cause its taboo or people think it means a woman is disempowering herself by behaving like that, doesnt mean I’m not gonna do what makes me happy. So I fuck first, think later. Sometimes the fucking clouds what the real thoughts should be, and 3 months later you realise you have wasted time and emotion on somebody you probably shouldnt have even fucked. Sometimes it takes even longer to realize that and you end up heart broken and swearing off love and relationships forever. Further deepening you belief in the just fuck them theory. This time that didnt happen. I dont really like making the first move and neither does he. We talked about it. We told each other we wanna do stuff but we are both too nervous to do it. From how we had been talking before he came over it didnt seem like we would be getting to it last night either. But we did and it was so good. Im not saying it was good cause we waited. But it was good cause it was more than just fucking a stranger and using each other to get what we want in the now. 

Ugh ive lost my flow now. Just found out im not gettin the weeds I want. And its from him so it killed my buzz. But I’m still gettin some, so my panic of having none is over. I kind of feel like stopping writing now. But I guess if I’m gonna do this I’m not gonna be able to give up when its not flowing as well. There will be times I just have to do it. I will have to figure out if writing it out or stepping away is better. Probably just need to get high again. 

Right now is a good time to lay out how I plan to structure this book and the point of it. Its gonna follow my current thoughts and situation writen in real/present time. But I’m also gonna dip off into stories from my past, that relate to where I currently am. Basically like i do when anyone asks me any question about my life. It doesnt work for me any more in real life. I dont wanna tell my life story to everyone when I talk to them. I wanna get it out here as I follow my day to day life. Till its all out and my present life is in a situation suited to an ending. I’m building, through this book a deep character development. Sharing the experiences I have had and how they have shaped me, for the entertainment of the reader. Shared feelings, lessons to be learnt, and subject matter of curiousity. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. And love. 

I nearly gave up and lay back down again. Now the joy of a new crush is the doubt. The fear. The reading between the line, assuming and jumping to conclusions. It could all be over tomo. He could just want sex. We might not actually get on. He probably wont like me. Im too much of a person for a lot of people. I havent felt like this since I met my husband. I used to feel it a lot, with different people. Early on. I fall hard and easy. But I havent the past 18 months. Ive kept the distance I thought I wanted. And I’m sure in a few days will swear I want again. Its scary how much what I want and who I am changes through the month. How can I be happy if i can’t please the two people I am, at the same time?  I’m legit tired now. I only slept 4 hours last night. So much adrenaline from last night. But cause i smoked, im crashing now! I’m gonna nap.