Finding Sexual Supremacy Through Celibacy
Well it has been a long time since Ive written and a lot has developed for me. I think its worth pointing out that I have spent the last 3 years working with multiple therapist for my mental health and working on fixing postural issues and trauma encoded in my body. During this process I have been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. I relate heavily to the diagnosis of Asperger’s even though we arent supposed to call it that anymore. But it matters to me. Asperger’s is a very certain type of Autism that is mostly associated with men, and male genius, and male behavior that is actually normalized by society, where as a woman with Asperger’s is the opposite of what society says a woman should be. So in terms of people understanding me clearly, I think it important to identify with something that is typically considered male.
This has also been my journey with sexual devolopment. Taking on the role, attitude, performance or male sexuality in order to highlight how contradictory our male and female sexual narratives are.
Where I was at when I last wrote about this, was a place of burden. I knew sex was wrong. I knew the sex I had been having wasnt what I wanted. I had thought of how it might be different and with this knowledge I tried to have the sex I wanted by doing all the work. I would make them lay back while I indulged in their bodies for hours, and got a 5 min of standard foreplay in return. Ive helped men explore their interest in strap on and anal play, and got nothing in return. My pleasure was received by doing things I wanted to, even if it wasnt directly pleasurable for me. Pleasuring in a way that was heading towards something different in the hopes that they would mirror back to me an exploration and adventure into my body. It never happened. Never once.
The straw that broke the camels back was my last fuck buddy/boyf. I discolsed all my mental and physical needs, and yet within a matter of weeks, sex became a function for him to have an orgasm. A few minutes of pumping in the morning before he went to work. Me waking him up with a prostate massage, and him cumming and leaving. Spending hours giving pleasure, only to be touched with fear, uncertainty and disgust, in return. Fucking his ass, the thing that drew me to him the most, his sexy, sultry moves, sensuality and moans, all dissapeared into the function of him getting his the way he wanted. And after he would cum I would be left again, unattended to. All this made me feel sick to my stomach. His relationship skill was as retarted and selfish as his sexuality. So I cut him out of my life and didnt look back. Luckily it only took a couple of months to get rid of this weight dragging me down.
Since then I have prioritised me. I couldnt improve mentally or physically with toxic men leaching off me. So I made a conscious decision, with the assistance of the pandemic, to remain celebate until all the problems dick has caused me, have been resolved. As a single woman I am the queen of the world, unstoppable force of creativity and adventure. With a man around I am sick, tired, broken, weak, unable to get out of bed and intensely depressed. Welcome to another factor of being a Aspie. This time has lead me to realized how much I thrive and do when Im entirely alone and how bad other people make me feel. Instead of lowering myself to find men I could get a tiny bit of physical connection and reality from by giving everything and getting nothing, I decided to pour all that attention onto myself. Onto me as a sexual woman. Onto me who already gives a large part of myself and sexuality away proffessionally. I found I also do wayyy better on cam when I am single. All that sexaul desire gets funneled into work space where I can truly indulge in a kind of cyber sexual reaality where I get some of my needs met by working. I never found the right kind of men to play with in the real world. But online there are thousands who like the same shit as me. They arent worthy of me in real life, but getting paid to share my sexual reality is also my kink, so I get off.
Anyway. Work had been a reflection of the burden of good sex I was carrying. I was not there to be penetrated or used for a mans pleasure. They are my toys to use as I please. But the longer this went on, the more it felt like the last relationship, where the dynamic moved from my enjoyment to their using me for their pleasure. I was doing a lotttt of work in pegging shows, in shows where I lead. The man, just laying back, being given pleasure by an expert. That didnt feel like I was dominant, or alpha or in control. It felt like the games men play to get women to do things they think they want to but is ultimately for the mans pleasure (see lib feminism “twerking for daddy” isnt liberation, neither is waxing, or makeup or bdsm).
Some time in the last few months, I decided to put my resentment for men down. I consciously chose to rewrite the narrative I had of my relationship with men. I have many different narratives of my life or elements of myself, depending on what angle, mood, day, etc, one looks at me from. i.e. All men have abused me and used me, Im sick of giving anything to them.. What is also true is I fucked every hot dude I wanted, I love collecting sexual experiences and I love dick. A great realization in this process is “I love the male human animal, but I hate how he is domesticated and socialized in every part of this planet.”
I love the physical reality of men.
The physical reality of existence is where I am focused on living. Reality, not opinion, thoughts or feelings. But what is physically present in my presence. How my body feels in that reality. How bodies could interact when all there is is physical reality. If two or more bodies were present in the void, how would they want to interact. No narratives, no history, no baggage, no morals, no norms, no domestication.
This is where my idea for the man laying back while I spend hours exploring him came from. The naive, curious exploration of a new landscape you have no pre existing assumption or expectations of. This would be a beautiful experience if it is mutual. But for me it never has been. Even in the last relationship where my understanding was explained, the conditioning of the male sexual narrative was so strong that it automatically took over.
With work I have been able to continue along this line of inquiry about what I really want from female led sex. What really is female dominance or sexuality? What do I really want when I let go of all programming and the consideration of male pleasure.
Another useful starting point for me has been the awareness that a man will cum no matter what. Why do we need to do things to the penis that is about speeding up the male orgasm? Anything that speeds up a mans pleasure, reduces a womans. The woman doesnt need to worry about stimulating the male at all. His pleasure is so easily accessed that he need only focus on the woman and not himself.
Being fully present sexually is to be fully engrossed with what is in front of you. Not to be lost in your own brain. Your pleasure comes from being aware of the present. That includes the external body you are focused on as well as the sensations in your own body…but NOT the thoughts, feelings and opinion of what is happening. No mind. Only body.
I think my previous writings also came from a time of black and white thinking. When I decided what sex shouldnt be, I limited what sex could be. My own trauma and narratives on men limited me accessing a very important part of me, my hyper sexiality. Sex had become more one dimensional as there was only to be; enlightened, curious, slow sex. But that contradicted one of my fundamental understandings of the nature of female sexuality, our cyclical nature.
As I opened back up to accepting I like the male human animal, I started remembering how much I like 3somes, gangbangs and as much dick as possible. I started being more flexible with wanting a variety of things through my monthly cycle. At work I noticed there were times where it was really easy to be hypersexual, others where I just wanted to be mean, others where I wanted to be soft and sweet, other times I just didnt even feel horny for a week. If I accepted the male human gave me great pleasure in many ways, I would be able to drop into these different phases with enjoyment, as all valid, real parts of me. And parts that arent interchangeable. If a client saw me on a soft open day but came back in the mean phase, I cannot perform the sexuality of different phase. This is the acceptance of sexual reality, I stopeed fighting it. Stopped trying to be one dimensional. Stopped being so protective over my physicality.
From my research and interpretation, I believe the human race is a socio-sexual species. Intimacy was our main form of communication and was the core of our survival. The range of intimacy that would be possible among a group of wild humans would be impossible for most modern humans to imagine. The repertoire of touch and its meanings have been lost. But by indulging inthe cyclical nature of female sexuality there is a chance of reclaiming some.
So let me get specific about what Ive discovered about what my body wants.
Gangbangs. In my informed opinion, humans are a sperm competiotion speciea and not a species that competes physically for one woman. When a woman is at the height of ovulation one is wildly horny. For me persoanlly its a raging drive for as much cock as possible. It makes me think that is how men must feel all the time. It can be all consuming. The hunt for dick and the desire for many. As a sexually liberated woman, I have allowed myself to get these needs met many times in my life. I hae not denied or pusehd down my sexaul reality. When I wanted lots of cock, I got it. 10 at once is my most. And 12 total that night. And before I went out I said it was going to happen, I needed it.
This ovulatory desire for multiple dicks makes total sense when you realized we are a sperm competition species, along with the understanding of sexual vocalisation. The woman moans and vocalises to attract more men to the scene.
As sex would have been used as socialising, most sex/intimacy was out side of the ovulatory period. Men are always horny as womens cycles arent uniform. Men must be ready to group sex whenever a woman is ovulaing. All males in the group need to be ready for each woman. Thus mens more consistent sex drive. It is not cause the male of the species need more sex, it is that they need to be ready for when the women want it their way.
I would imagine womens cycles dont sync up so that all roles get filled in the group. Each part of the female cycle brings different strengths and weaknesses that would help each other and balance out.
Non reproductive sex would have been the relaxed, elongated, curious, lazy exploration of each others bodies. Here, instead of the man laying back while the woman explores, the man would have the same self control and curiosity of the woman. A great example of this play would be sliding a penis against a pussy, teasing with the tip, enjoying the feel of the shaft on the clit, the pressure against different parts. When I have done this while leading, on top, hands free, just enjoying the tease of wiggling on a cock, the man ALWAYS reaches down to “help” me get it inside. ERMMM no. I wasnt trying to get it in. I was enjoying the reality of how that felt. The more I tease the outside like that, the easier I cum. Given men can cum from a few pumps, why not let the woman build herself up in her way using a cock, so when she finally decides she wants it, she really actually does, and orgasm is accesible!
I cant comprehend how sex it would be for me to be laying back while a man teases me with his cock for MY pleasure. He isnt trying to make his cock feel good. He isnt a weak willed little bitch who has to get it in the hole as soon as possible. And like SO MANY men Ive fucked, doesnt use the excuse “I just couldnt help myself.” I cant imagine being able to trust a man to not penetrate me when he wants. And that fucking turns my stomach. But back to the fantasy of the wild hu-man. A man having self imposed self control is so fucking hot.
I am getting super over chastity and domme stuff cause of this. You shouldnt need a fucking cage not to be a gross perv. You should exercise self control. Learn how to NOT get a boner when youre turned on. Learn how to not want to pump your cock as fast as possible. Learn that cumming isnt the destination. Learn real self control. Women go into sex hoping they might cum. Men go into sex expecting to cum. This needs to change.
One time I went on a date with 45 year old film maker who only drank natural spring water and did reiki and was vegan. At his, he offered me a reiki session. I was clearly going through a hard time and he was intelligent and intuitive. He told me to relax and that he wouldnt stop till I said so. He covered me in blankets so I was warm and comfortable and for three hours he gently touched my body in entirely non sexual ways. That is the only experience Ive had where a man has done what he said and completely listened to me to the point that I could relax in his hands in the moment. I didnt need to be on guard to make sure my boundaries were crossed or my trauma triggered.
Previous partners would be uncomfortable, disgusted or scared by the changeable nature of my body and triggers.Their inability to change, be flexible and be open to a different experience each time is another reason no one deserves access to my body. If you arent willing to learn my cyclicality, you definately dont get to use my for your one dimensional sexuality. One day I might love having my neck kissed, the next it might send me into a breakdown. That is not something that I need to worry about hurting a mans EGO! My physical reality in the moment changes. If a man was present in the physical reality of the moment, he would be able to read and adapt. But if there is mind present, ego present, than it will cause a reaction in him which increases my trauma. Dont be angry or frustrated that I dont like something today I did yesterday. Be excited it can be different today than yesterday!!!!!
I ran out of energy for the awfulness of my experiences. Ill come back to it in another new piece.
Karen
Is a slur to keep white women, who are sick of the patriarchy forcing them to be quiet about everything and finally got the balls to say something, in their place. In her rage at finally speaking, she is a woman who says the wrong thing and over reacts as most of the time, its a moment where the straw has broke the camels back, and she is speaking her mind for the first time. How dare she?! Fucking Karen. Women cant be angry, or aggressive when she is sick of shit. That’s not for white women. Women can’t have PTSD or trauma that gets triggered by some inconsiderate person invading their lives, especially if everyone else thinks she shouldn’t be triggered by whatever it was. Karen isn’t a light, playful meaningless term. It is yet another tool of the patriarchy to silence a woman who has the audacity to speak her mind, to get angry, to react authentically. Don’t normalize silencing women.
BDSM, Power Play and Sexual Reality
As a actual dominant human woman and not a performative domme, i know its not men taking the dominant role all the time. As a 20 year feminist writer, 10 year sex worker and a tantric practitioner I know sex isnt always just PIV.
The inclusion on power dynamics, that there even is a dom and sub when it comes to sex, is ingrained patriarchal and socialized conditioning. Power, violence, and psychological play have been injected into the modern definition of sex and kink by men and taken on by women to cope with the position sex has been put in the modern world. Sex has nothing to do with power or pain. Its the patriarchy that introduced that idea to sex. Whether its a woman, man, dog, gender rainbow person doing it, the performance of domination and submission is all about the feelings of power and powerlessness we have in the real world and not about the physical sensations of the sexual act.
One can do things like pegging, cei, cuckold, etc, all without humiliation, degradation, abuse, pain or any bdsm shit. Sex is a indulgent pleasure space. Shame, pain and humiliation and power are the brain forcing its way into a physical body space. I thought I liked being submissive in my 20s and that bdsm was a legit thing. I thought pain mixed in with my sex was the norm and meant it was good. Then I moved past that and saw where it comes from. And never will go back.
Anything that fetishizes a power dynamic comes from social conditioning and not human animal, sexual reality. I take the lead in all sex. Work or pleasure. Not cause Im Domme or the dominant, but because I have more experience, I know what I like and Im better at it. I am, after all a professional. I dont need the power trip of being Domme. And many many many many people think Dom/sub are the only options of how you like sex.
The belief that there is always a power dynamic in sex, shows how patriarchal the standard sexual narrative has become and how bdsm has shaped that in the publics view.
“The sexual assault of sleeping women: the hidden, horrifying rape crisis in our bedrooms | Rape and sexual assault | The Guardian”
The sexual assault of sleeping women: the hidden, horrifying rape crisis in our bedrooms
The sexual assault of sleeping women: the hidden, horrifying rape crisis in our bedrooms
A recent survey suggested a shockingly high proportion of women have been sexually assaulted by a partner as they slept. Now more and more are speaking out.
Anna Moore
Tue 15 Jun 2021 05.00 EDT
Niamh Ní Dhomhnaill had been with her partner for almost a year when she discovered that he’d been raping her while she slept. At the time, she was 25, and a language teacher in a Dublin secondary school. Her partner, Magnus Meyer Hustveit, was Norwegian. The couple had moved in together within a few months of meeting, but things were tense. It wasn’t a happy relationship.
On that particular night, Ní Dhomhnaill had been out with Hustveit and other friends, but left early, alone, because she felt unwell. “I’d only drunk water but I’d gone to bed and was out for the count,” she says. “I didn’t hear Magnus come back, which is unusual because I’d always been a light sleeper.”
When she did wake, she was no longer wearing her pyjama bottoms and had semen on her body. Magnus was sleeping beside her.
“I asked him: ‘Did you have sex with me while I was asleep?’ and he said, ‘Yes.’ I was so shocked and really confused. How could I not have known? I felt really ill, too, I was trying to figure it all out. I said: ‘I can’t give consent when I’m asleep. Don’t ever do that again.’”
www.theguardian.com
Weed Women Kicked Me Out So I Made My Own Place
Welcome ladies. I have made this space for the few women who I feel very safe and comfortable around from the entwives server. I am missing the original VC vibes we had, and have heard similar from some of you. The social element of my autism and co morbidities are so debilitating that I have to be aware of my limits with most people and not afraid to set up a space that works for me. You are the first women Ive connected to in years and I dont want to loose the magic we’ve had cause I’m uncomfortable in the main space.
Why Me? What Do I Know?
I want to let everyone know I exist. Because my story is unique. I’ve intentionally lived my life that way. To learn things and see things in my own way.
I cant pin down the earliest date I realized the whole world was made up. But I do know that by the age of 9, Blur was my favorite band and I knew I never wanted to be a part of the rat race. Growing up is a scam. Modern life is rubbish.
When I was really little, when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, in the late 80s, before the internet and pornography, I would say, “A poser, a poledancer or a prostitute.” No one knows how I knew what those last two things were. But the videos of me asking my mom to video me constantly, prove I already knew what a poser was!
I had my first boyfriend at 3. I just always loved boys. They were so pretty. He was my best friend. In year 6 I asked out every boy at school, and every one of them said yes! In year 4 three boys in the year above would pick me up and run away with me so they could be my boyfriend. I still have the scar on my leg from when one of them dropped me over his head, off his shoulders.
I always had crushes on the boys that didn’t like me or weren’t interested in me though. The cutest, the naughtiest, the uninterested. Even pre puberty. I had a recurring dream of a boy up in a tree, in a play area, out the back of a pub. There were lots of other children playing there. But more than anything, I knew I loved the boy in the tree. Overwhelming love. But I also knew he was dead. I don’t know if he fell out the tree in the dream. But I always just knew he was dead and my heart hurt and the longing was agony.
I have never found the boy in the tree that was meant for me, and have mourned his loss since I first discovered him in the dream. No one else has meant to me what that boy could never be. Its a weird state to be in when you believe in reality. I wonder if I had a twin that died or if there was a soul out there for me that I never got to see. I feel whispers of him in the men I’ve loved the most. But I also see echos of my childhood idols and I fear the human brain and consciousness is no more than a mush of the things we’ve seen and done and that the thought that our thoughts can give us any insight into reality when we cant even comprehend what we are outside of memory suddenly just seems like absurdity.
We need to drop the mind and get into the body. Its the only way to save everybody. The only way forward for the human race is inwards. But not inwards to the brain, to the self, to the ego. But to the body. The meat and bones reality of our existence. Our function as a human animal. We need to figure out what the human animal body/mind needs to survive in the current conditions, and what are the ideal conditions for the human animal and the natural world, to mutually thrive in, and then work towards that.
We are one human animal body. All skeletons are the same. Our posture should be the same. Our muscles are all in the same places. There is a right and wrong way to use the body to do things. We aren’t even taught the fundamentals of posture. But we are all expected to live in bodies that are constantly being pressured and shaped by outside influences. The external world and our internal mental world all imprints on our bodies and there is no central guiding body on how to correct, realign, recenter, the natural human body.
I am deeply in love with my body connection story
why i want to tell the uniqueness
I say Im unique cause of the range of rare things I have done so far in my life. One unexpected journey I’ve been on is spening the last ten years doing sex work. In that time I’ve lived in London, where I worked on webcam. I instantly became successful and used my early success to travel to Australia. After a year of living in my body cause of the Aussie way of life, I started stripping in a very small town. I also worked at 3 different legal brothels with 3 – 9 months at each, some times 7 days a week for several weeks at a time, 12 hours a day. In one of the brothels the other girls stopped coming in to work cause I would get all the bookings. Even if I was busy they would wait for me. Sometimes for 4+ hours. One night I was the only girl working and I didn’t have a break all night It was my favorite time doing sex work. I felt like a queen. After work. At 3am, or 7am depending on the night, I would drive to the gym and work out for a hour or two. Do a little shopping and went back to the brothel where I slept for a few hours in one of the work rooms, till it was time to get up and get ready again. I didn’t have any problematic clients while I was there but many girls did. And I could see why. But obviously I couldn’t say anything. I would talk with the Madame when she would come in during the day and I would ask her why the other girls dont try harder. Go to the gym, buy nicer outfits, learn hair and make up. She said she didnt know but she did know she hasnt met anyone like me and wished every girl had my attitude. A life time of being bullied by girls also helped me keep my distance from other sex workers, stereotyped to be bitchy and fucked up, I knew I wouldnt be liked. I started prostitution because it had been a life time fantasy. I remember the first brothel I viewed. I was so scared it was going to be all the awful fear mongering things I had heard about. But it was the opposite. It was quirky, and clean, and organized, with rules, and structure and sweet hang out, work out and kitchen facilities for the women. In Australia brothels can only have 5 rooms. They can have more girls, in one brothel there would be 13 girls on a weekend night. Rotation rotation rotation! The office had to be organized! It was all very straight forward and honest about what it was. They sent me home with some literature and the STD book with pictures and information on all kinds of sexual health.
Ive gone off into brothel dreams. I need hours to write all about the procedures, protections and play that happened in those years. Suffice to say, it was the best environment for me. I felt like I was home. I was earning $25,000 a month, $10k weeks were normal. My body, mind, vagina were always at their healthiest when I was busy with my body all the time! I was the queen of the rooms. No matter who a man was in the waiting room, when he was in a room with me he was putty in my hands. Even if he came in with the expectation of pining me down and pumping away at me with his cock, that never happened.
Do my tricks and techniques matter here for my brief history of this only once trodden path? Or is that a separate piece that expands and links and loops from there back to here?
See in my short summary of a life worth living I have to divert at the pronouncement of my prostitution to justify and explain how that too unfolded in a way you cant even comprehend. Else the image of the person I have been wont be able to be seen. It will be hidden behind the narratives and stories in your conditioning that arent me. Only I have been me and as you are yet to see, there are chapters more to my story.
All the money I made in the prostitution trade led me live in America. I partied with Diplo and Pauly D, I went out 5 nights a week. I wore Versace every day. I had waist length platinum blonde hair, and was often seen in 7 inch heels and a onsie. Twerking in a casinos upside down, planking on the floor, i fucked Ron Jeremy to celebrate 300 partners. I hiked the Grand Canyon top to bottom 3 times. I got married in Vegas and got so badly emotionally abused it took 5 years to recover. Our wedding photo had a bum fight in the background though. So thats pretty funny.
When I started stripping I googled where the best strip club in the world was. I had already wanted to be the best prostitute in the world when I was in Aus. I found out it was considered to be Spearmint Rhino in Vegas. So after I was free of the man who destroyed me, and able to stand up for a few hours at a time, I made it my plan to be the best stripper I could be. I made it obviously. Then I found out that there was a limit for me. On what hours at the club there I could be. There was the holy grail, the main shift, the money hours, for those who excel, and looks tower. They usher you off the floor, at 9pm on the dot, no matter whos lap in which you may be grinding. A second audition is needed to prove you can be, as skinny, or sexy, or perfect as they need to stay any after that time.
Those girls would terrify me. They are racehorses. Perfect specimens of woman. It was easy to see why these were the peak shift girls.
Im not sure how long I had been there till I got up the guts to try. Weeks maybe, but its was really up to the scales to decide. 110lb and I knew my thighs weren’t too big for the managers eyes. It was time to try for the night shift.
Standing in a cold hallway in a two piece and 8 inch heels, for an hour while a line of night shift girls checked in while checking you out, knowing youre waiting to audition, knowing you’ll be competition, the man comes out. Everyone knows hes a twat. But we all smiled, were polite and pranced about. You only had to walk up and down the hallway so he can see you move from behind. Its his eye that decides if its good enough for the night. I dont like it but I got it. And as he told me I no longer cared, I was good enough, I was hot enough for the best strip club in the world and the best shift to work there!
This will be finished another time.
Sex Work Dynamic
Its really upsetting that women cant hear about how I can control the dynamic in the sex work act. They cannot even comprehend that at woman isnt there to be used by a man.That a woman can control a sexual room. The enduring narrative of the brothels was that no matter how the dudes presented in the waiting room, they turned into little puppies in the bedroom. I must have some kind of way with men that has enabled me to handle this work in a way I havent heard from anyone else. I dont want to be smug about me doing it so well.. But obviously I have done things in ways that have kept me and my clients, happy, healthy and safe. I am confident. I know it is my room. My belief that as a sex worker i am like a band, a dj, a artist, a professional. People are here to experience me and my reality, not for me to be there to bend and shape to their needs. I am not a jukebox, a wedding singer, or a body to be controlled by the user. I am the one with the professional sexual knowledge and experience to define what will bring both parties the most pleasure possible. Men dont know what they are doing in the bedroom and visiting a professional means they can lay back, relax and not have to perform their standard sexual narratives and have performance pleasure. The man laying back while I do all the work isnt my idea of sexual liberation or equality. but in the standard narrative dynamic, this is the easiest way for the man to give me space to get them to interact in the way I want. Its very easy to keep things on track and in my control with a very stern but playful tone when they do anything I dont like or dont do. One doesnt need to react badly or attack, its easy to take their hand and giggle and say no, hold their wrist down by their sides, use your feet on their thighs, hold them down, whisper in their ear something about them doing what you want being so much better. and then show them why you taking the lead is best. I have found ways to use the male body for my pleasure and a man loves nothing more than giving a woman pleasure. Even when they are paying, especially when they are paying!
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