To Me:
Today is my 20 year sex anniversary. And I dont want to do anyone about it. I am 18 people away from a total of 400. I had kind of hoped I could co inside my 400 with my 20 year but the circumstances have not arisen so I will not force a number correlation. I am working on the bus at the moment. It is driving me mad. Its taking forever. but it is pretty fucking awesome. im scared to be excited about it incase it isnt gonna be as good as i think it is!!!! She is taking up most of my brain at the moment. So i guess so it shall be that my 20 year sexiversaty is spent introspectively and self indulgently. It feels right. like a lot changed at that moment and now is a time to reclaim some of that space for myself. Honor my journey. Not needing to share it with anyone else, physically. It is of more benefit to me mentally and physically to honor my own body rather than needing anyone else to honor it, as my celebration of my sexuality and sexual journey. i know now that no one can know and honor my sexuality enough right now to be worthy of spending time with my body on such a momentous occasion..
I find some of my musings exceptionally obnoxious, when reading them back, almost immediately. But it is only obnoxious if its shared. if not shared, it is just my thoughts. and we can think whatever we like.
My brain got foggier and foggier as the day went on today. I am exhausted. The bus is progressing slowly right now and my attempt to mulit task left me completely cotton wool brained. I was ready to go get some more things from Lowes but knew I wanted a bit of a drive first to try and clear my head. What did become clear was the fact that my head was getting increasingly fuzzy, not even the joint I was smoking helped. I stopped to figure out what it was i wanted to do and eventually realized I needed to write. I drove back home and picked up my laptop and drove back out, to the forest near my moms place. I have pulled over at the side of a dirt road, it seems quite a main one, and got my laptop out to write about my 20 year sexiversary. The back of the car is the next best thing to the bus I have.
I cant quite believe its been 20 years. That makes me feel old. An amount of time I cant comprehend. 14 doesn’t seem that long ago. It wasnt that long ago I was a teenager, Im barely an adult now. I’ve slept with boys who are under 20 now. I mean, Im not surprised, I did it on purpose. To specifically fuck boys young enough to technically have been my son. I cant wait till im 36 then I can fuck someone half my age.
20 years ago I lost my virginity. Tomorrow, 20 years ago, I was released from hospital after being given plan b, hiv preventative meds, a rape kit, an IV, and a preliminary interview with the police. In two days time, 20 years ago, news of me loosing my virginity hit the front pages of all the national newspapers in the UK, as well as being featured on the TV news. The whole of the country knew I had gotten drunk and had sex, however, as I was in America at the time, I was unaware of the commotion I had caused. In 5 days time, 20 years ago, I arrived back at Heathrow airport, to be greeted by two members of the press I had seen on a TV show about the airport at the time. I excitedly told the teachers they were there, and they proceeded to inform me to be quiet and behave because they were there to see me. In 6 days time, 20 years ago, I found out that I had been suspended from my school and was to stay at home. My parents and the parents of my friend, who had been at the same party as me, tried to fight the school to get our suspension over turned because it wasnt our fault the teachers didnt check the chalets each night, thus me and my friends being able to go out to a party at 14, on a school trip, with no adults knowing where we were. During one tense evening in 8 days, 20 years ago, the 4 parents were in one room, me and my friend were watching TV in the next room. The 6 O’Clock news came on. And we were the headline. We couldnt believe it. We didnt quite know the extent of the press coverage of our story and this was the first we had seen of it. We ran screaming into our parents, excited, to tell them. The excitement was not appreciated. Our parents won against the school and we had to go back to face the music in 10 days, 20 years ago. I went in late so as not to have to walk up the long drive with everyone around. I had to stop wearing make up to school. An assembly was held to discuss what had happened to me and the press coverage. The whole country and all my school mates had now been discussing, reading and hearing about me loosing my virginity for a week. Shortly after I returned to school, our friendship group split in two over the events that lead to the world discovering I had lost my virginity. Several weeks later one of the teachers who was on the trip, and our form teacher, quit due to a nervous breakdown from the stress of me loosing my virginity. 18 months later I was in America again, waiting at a courthouse for the boy I lost my virginty to, to arrive so we could start the hearing. I wasnt pressing charges. The state was, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was going to be able to answer their questions via a video link to the court room so I wouldnt have to be in there with him. Statutory rape wasnt the only charge however. He had stolen credit cards, and something about alcohol and minors. At some point, while I sat in that wood paneled room with my mom and the woman who was liasing with us that looked exactly like my mom, it became apparent that he was not going to be showing up. An hour or so later we heard he had skipped the country. The boy I lost my virginity to had fled the country to his families home country in eastern europe. All because I had been taken to this party, that was 20 years ago tonight. 8 years later we got a letter from the courthouse back in America. I was 24. 10 years after it happened. He had returned to America and arrested upon arrival. They asked if I wanted to say anything at his hearing. I didnt. We had only done what infinite people had done before us. Got drunk at a party and consensually fooled around. He was sentenced to a short amount of time in jail and probation and may have even gotten time served. The people that caused this whole situation, the boys who took us to the party in exchange for marijuana, and my friend that got caught on her way to the boys chalet after the party to thank them for taking us, as a poor excuse to see the one she fancied, then told the teachers she was out looking for a teacher because me and my friend were vomiting and might have been raped, had no repercussions from the night. And they were the only problematic people in the situation. Yes a 19 year old probably shouldnt have sex with a 14 year old girl. But I wasnt your average 14 year old, I knew what I wanted, and according to my memory, I made sure I got as much of it as I could that night from many of the boys, even if no one elses police statement matched up with my memory. But that didnt surprise me. Who would tell the police I was alone in a room with about 5 or 6 of the American boys, playing spin the bottle, but with much more dick sucking instead of making out? I did though. And I still remember being in that room today. What I dont actually even remember, is having sex. I only remember on the walk home realizing my vagina was sore and commenting that I thought I had had sex. Its a weird dichotomy to hold, the whole country knowing I had lost my virginity, yet me, never even remember it happening. After loosing my virginity made front page news and wreaked havoc for many people, I dont think I was ever going to have a normal sex life. I was destined for a life of sex, about sex, for sex, sex work, sexiness, feminism, the body, self exploration, openness, intimacy, sexual skills, exploring. Sex has always been something I didnt need to hide or suppress, maybe because of how I lost my virginity. Or maybe I was always and always would have been like this. Even if we hadnt gotten caught, or if I hadnt gone to the party and it was another time, with another person, without scandal. I will never know for sure, but for sure in relation to how I lost my virginity, my sexuality and sexual history, makes sense.
