I am about to meet up with Ryan. I thought there was a chance he wouldnt want to come or show up but he just messaged about having his hair cut, like “do you mind if i have my hair cut”. Which is super cute. So im less worried about that. But no matter how it goes today and tomorrow, wednesday is going to be hard. I will feel very flat and all over the place. I plan on driving to grand junction and going climbing and getting new T-Mobile service. That will give me time to re center myself and get back to focusing on me. It will be especially hard if I let myself be really cute with him and share love. Love is hard to put back in the box and it will hurt. But right now, before, when I feel strong, I want this. I want to get to spend this time with him. I want to do the activities. I feel like it is worth it. It seems like it would be a very silly idea not to spend time with him while im here. He is a magical unicorn who always suprises me in good ways. Lots of feelings and things will surface cause of this and it will be a big job to get over. I dont want it to make me a emotional mess. I want to celebrate him and the time we got to spend together. I want it to be a good memory of things we got to do rather than how I cant do it more or have him. Its not a option right now. So make the most of it. Appreciate what is and what was. Dont focus on what isnt and what I cant have.
Related Posts
Diary
July 13, 2025Hanging out in the tent on my inflatable mattress, slowly deflating, watching The Commish. The sun is setting and a chill is setting in. I’m comfortable and happy and it’s also ridiculous and extraordinary. Only 10 miles away a forrest fire is raging. 300 firemen on site. 80 properties at risk. A community meeting tonight. A whole different world so close. So far away. Behind the mountain I can see a low dark cloud of smoke, but the wind and the ridges are keeping the smoke moving away from where I’m camped. The sky is clear here. Only a slight smell of smoke in the air when the wind dies down. Kitty is sitting on a rock watching some critters go about their evening routines. I’m the only person on the planet having this experience. It’s so profound. And also so basic. There is so much chaos happening so close.… Read More "Diary"
I love being me
July 6, 2025Man Vs Bear
May 2, 2024So another day started and I gave in and looked at Twitter and immediate am embroiled in the “man or bear” debate. By embroiled I mean reading one persons tweets and the replies. And then commenting on two replies. Sooo not life or death. But the constant sex wars online mean if I engage, then I am surely going to be trying to reason with rabid men and ugly women that, yes, in fact, it is quite dangerous to be a woman around men and justifying my position by explaining my own negative experiences. I am then in that mind set. I am the female victim, fighting for all women, trying to make men see it from our side, the desperation to be heard, understood and validated by the men who refuse to see. It all gets too much and impacts my current reality. It changes the now from one… Read More "Man Vs Bear"