Apt. I am feeling black. I havent written in a negative mood yet and i need to. it is a feeling that is with me as often as the joy, happiness and peace i feel. Actually I think i still find myself feeling dark more than half the time still.
I think i need to sign off dating apps now too. i announced my hatred of social media and my leaving it behind today.
The more i try and connect to other people, find like minded people, or look at what other people are doing similar to me, the more i feel like im alone. The less similar i feel. The more frustrated i get that the vast majority of people will never understand the world the way i do or want to live in it the way i do, the less excited about my own choices i am. The more i try and find my place and people, the less i can imagine ever having it. The more i hear about what other people think about the world and how other people should and shouldnt be in it, the more trapped I feel and the less i feel like i can survive another day and it all but wipes out my ability to picture, plan or even imagine my future.
I stopped posting on social media and reading feeds every day approximately 3-4 months ago now. And I feel so much better. Right here, right now, in the real world, i am ok. when i had a whole other identity…and in fact i had two and up to four versions of me at any one time…living online, I had to worry about how that person was being perceived, what she was saying, who was contacting her, what for, what do you want, has she pissed someone off, was she too real, too fat, too sexy, not sexy enough, too honest, too angry, was she making money, what do all the faceless, nameless observers to her life, think of her. It is too much. Its too much for me to worry about, to care about. What did i get from putting myself out there and living online through social media? Its had a barely comment able affect on my income professionally, even though people are told its an essential marketing tool. i havent got hundreds of friends who would come to my side if i needed help. i havent stayed in touch with all the people i met travelling. i am up to date with peoples lives that have no baring on my day to day life, and neither i do have a spot in theirs. The few good connections i do have on social media, unfortunately does not balance out the emotion and time ive put into social media. Me being on social media is not a mutually beneficial arrangement and i do not benefit from massive companies making billions more profit from all of our freely uploaded content. And i have had enough.
i used to love social media. i defended it and my over use of it to the death. i proclaimed its many benefits. but when i was assessing my life and figuring out what i needed to do in order to make myself happier, i fell back on the quote “how can you expect a different outcome when you keep doing the same things”. after working online for the last 7 years and being pretty much addicted to the internet for 20 years, i realised this is what i needed to do differently. It was the only constant i was maintaining in my life, the curated social media pages, and the internets potential to make me money. I had to stop. i deleted the apps off my phone and i accepted the internet was not able to provide me with any income in the near future. I stopped posting. I stopped reading feeds, i stopped scrolling. And it worked. Without those other entities, representations of me, other lives online, the anxiety, stress, anger, frustration, pain and comparisons stopped. I still go on my pages when im on a browser, but i keep my intake of information as brief and functionary as possible. On the days i havent, i have let myself go down that rabbit hole, and all those feelings re surface. I now have personal knowledge on the detrimental effect of social media on my every day life and mental health and how much better my life is without it. At least when i fall back into the rabbit hole i can see how ridiculous the whole set up and “information” is anyway. And im not missing anything.
I think im at the same point with sex and especially dating apps. I cant find what i want, who i want to do it with or anyone who even understands my sexuality. I spend a disproportionately large amount of time looking for sex compared to how much sex it gets me. the choice overwhelms me, the messaging stresses me out and the vast majority of conversations dont go anywhere, they are people i just dont get on with and can even escalate into a very negative exchange. without dating apps, this wouldnt exist. the constant thinking about who might be near that is worth sleeping with. the thinking of what to say in your messages, the games, the bullshit, the tiptoeing around the issue. I just want good, kinky sex and Tinder and Bumble do not get me that. it is not a mutually beneficial relationship. I fundamentally disagree with the way most people see life and the human condition, so why force myself to interact with tens of people a day i dont need to. why get more and more frustrated that yet another seemingly interesting guy is just another person i dont like? why do i want to get frequently dissappointed about how bland most peoples sexual interests are? the more people i encounter people i dont like and the more people i speak to with “normal” interests, the more i feel like an outsider, isolated, frustrated and angry. For what? to find the occasional person i meet who actually has a interesting personality and sexual interests? The numbers dont add up. There are places for people with a richer, kinkier, sex life on the internet and i can use those from now on, when i want to find sex. not, like the dating apps, being constantly online, nearby, available, contactable, 24/7, the possibility that at any point i might find the unicorn ive been looking for being just swipes away. Its too much of a constant demand on my brain. And it doesnt need to be. When i looked back on my stats with dating apps the trends are very interesting in how my behavior has changed. I was having the most frequent sex with various partners when I was partying a lot, travelling australia, sober, meeting people in the real world, a lot. And most of my great memories and good sex have been with people ive met in real life who i would have swiped left on in any dating app anyway. I think i might actually keep my profiles and change my bios. Put what i specifically want and links to my work project and my blog or sky stuff. fuck it. use it. dont let it use me. people who really want to interact with me in real life can email me from there.
Now ive got all that out i can inform you i have indeed finally had sex. the most average, normal, slightly painful for me, smile and enjoy it, sex. of course he was gorgeous. he had to have had some kind of selling point for me! he was the hottest one in my tinder roll for the area, muscly, tanned, confident, sexy, very republican, ex military, southern gentleman. we got on good considering the differences. and his body and penis were a solid 10, literally, wink wink. but damn, he did not know how to use it. i did get to suck his dick for a bit and thoroughly enjoyed myself. when it comes to sex, there is a difference between when a man is doing what feels good to him and what feels good together. this sex was the former. i was so consumed with worry about how he was using this massive cock i had no concept of me enjoying it. however it was sexy and i was thoroughly complicit in letting him fuck how he wanted to. there was several occurrences of sex in the night time and the morning. and i think there was at least one vibrator assisted orgasm. there might have been more, or they might have been that, is it a orgasm or is it just pain or is it just a lot going on, but i also might have played up the amount of pleasure i got to him. he was just so cute. he got us a hotel room, so that was fun and nice. his skin was so smooth and his ass was amazing. i spent a good hour just stroking and fondling his butt while we were there. but he wouldnt let me anywhere except the cheeks as he said “im straight”. boo. he was really nice to be around. had lots of energy, had a interesting life, i was into how he was hot, worked out, had a good job, nice truck, family money, travels a lot, etc. the do it all gentleman. even though i dont want to do anything, its still very attractive and admirable. how is there time in the day to be that much everything! i guess ultimately he wasnt good at everything! this was Wednesday night, i was supposed to go to the sex club but i opted for him instead. he left for a bit of work then thanksgiving lunch on the thursday morning at like 9am. They were still serving breakfast in the hotel so i had a nice free breakfast and then went back to the room for a much needed shower. i even blow dried and curled my hair…but i still didnt wash it, 5 months strong! so i scratched the itch, but again didnt get what i was looking for.
and now after my no dating apps rant, ive got a message from someone who might actually be good! damnit.
still havent been to the sex club. still intending to go tonight.
