If I could teach, the world to stand, in perfect harmony. Then every boy, and every girl, would know what physical ease can be.
There is one human body. We dont have different breeds of human. We are fundamentally made up of the same stuff, in the same way. However the way the physical body presents in the world is dependent on the life that person has lived
I can speak this stuff much better than I can write it. I was just standing in the garden, bare foot, totally at ease in my body, with a blank mind. The sun was warm on my back. I was comfortable being this human just existing. It seems so simple now. So obvious. But its taken 36 years to get to be comfortable, just existing, in my body.
Body positivity is a tool used to further disconnect us from our bodies and from each other. Accept yourself. Everyone is beautiful. You don’t need to change. You dont need to look like anyone else. When in fact the extreme variation of bodies just proves the miriad of ways that modern life ruins the human animal.
If you looked at 100 wild deer, living in their natural habitat, you wouldnt see the wide variety in body shapes and sizes, as you would with 1oo modern humans. You don’t see an extremely obese deer, one with a really large ass, one with a massive beer belly, one with fat thighs, etc etc. If someone did, I’m sure they would try and figure out what was wrong with it. Not tell it that is beautiful and to flaunt it.
The more disconnected we get from our bodies, the less natural, the less active, the more the mind drives the world, the more mental health problems are spreading and we are falling apart.
The body is shaped entirely by how it is used and we dont have a base model to reference or return to. We are never taught what is correct posture, unless someone has done certain sports or military. We arent taught the newest science about how our bodies work. Every part of us is connected and intelligent. The mind filters the experience of the body. The body is more intuitive than the brain. If we let the brain rule the world, here is where we end up.
We need to find out what the human body needs. Ive found out what my real body needs. I stopped accepting myself, and went on a quest to love myself. The power in loving oneself instead of the toxic acceptance/denial spiral we are on, is immeasurable and surely the only way to save the human race.
I stopped brushing my teeth. I stopped showering. I stopped earning money. I lived in a short bus. For 2 years and a half years, on my own, in the wilderness. The first and most wild times were in the sierra nevadas, travelling around the high desert, up to Oregon, and back down. I became a feral animal. I stopped wearing shoes. I walked or ran miles a day. I didnt have a fridge. I ate things out of cans. And large end of the world tins of dried food from Walmart. Any unexpected scenario was a terrifying glimpse into no longer being able to survive. When I needed money I went and worked on a weed farm. The same social dynamics unfolded as always and I got fired for speaking up for someone and not listening to gossip. I never fit in. I did. Till I started speaking. Sharing, getting involved. Caring. Then it all blows up and its me that leaves cause I cant handle pretending to like people and ignore the glaring problems that they all have, that you cant tell them. People suffocate me.
So I went back out into the wild. On the farm I did get more feral as the owner was also a barefoot animal. But more like a feral dog that wanders around bad parts of town, than the wild animal I am. He didnt brush his teeth either. We shat in one hole someone had to dig each week.
I was never squeamish about poo. That was one of the joys of bus life. Nature poos. For the first 18 months I only had a bucket with a lid on it and a seat, as a toilet. I had to get very intimate with what came out of me. Lots of bodies are burried all over the california, nevada and oregon desert! I would only empty it once it got full too. Like once a week. A bucket of shit in a cupboard. Anyway, nature poos. The best, pop a squat and squeeze one out, bury it. Done. That is freedom. I would always rather poo and pee out in the wild that a public toilet any day. Even when I dont have toilet paper. And that was recently.
I must have smelt of pee and bo mostly those first couple of years. I stopped wearing bras and shaving before the bus. I also stopped wearing panties and deoderant. Id pee and just pull up my leggings or shorts. I never washed my hands. When I did wash it would be in a stream, a river, a lake, a puddle. I didn’t shower with fresh water or shampoo, conditioner or soap for 18 months.
And I loved every dirty minute of it. My hygiene only mildly improved as the build in the bus improved and access to water, a sink, a toilet, a fridge etc, got better. But I knew I had to break it all down. Question everything. I didnt want to leave a stone unturned. I went off birth control. I stopped my anti depressants. I never, however, stopped smoking weed. It was my only saviour. My sanity, my escape from reality, my mood boost, my sleep aid, my confidence, my friend. it was all i had.
I really was just a shell. A human. I stripped it all away. And I could not see anything there. There was nothing left. I was gone. I was so raw. I felt everything. A description of BPD reflects my experience of the world. Its like having no skin. You feel everything and just existing is agony.
I had mostly given up people. I would occasionally have random anonymous sex with another dude in a van, or someone at a coffee shop, or occasionally someone with a real bed so I could have more practical sex. But I wasnt out in the bus for the social, lifestyle aspect. I was there to get away from everyone and everything.
And I did. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood out in the wilderness, off trail, no gear, on my own, howling to the sky, roaring with the rocks, shouting to hear my echo, bare naked, feet on the ground, arms outstretched, with no one around in any direction for miles and miles and miles. I have touched true freedom. I know I have experienced the world in a way most people don’t get to. Raw, connected, free, alone, fully present. The isolation and the beauty is overwhelming.
However. No matter how much I stripped down my experience of the world. I was still there experiencing it as me. i was still uncomfortable just existing in my body. I had gone from surviving experiencing the world in a disordered state, to pulling apart the pieces that made me. I was sat on the floor with all the pieces around me and no idea how to put it back together.
I’d like to build a world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow white turtle doves
I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I’d like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company
I’d like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land
That’s a song I hear
Sing it along
Let the world sing today
Over and over
I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
La, la, la, la
To, do, do, do, do, do
La, la, la
I’d like to build a world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow white turtle doves
(That’s a song I hear)
I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
And I’d like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company
(That’s the song I hear)
I’d like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land
(That’s the song I hear)
I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony (Sing it all over)
I’d like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
La, la, la, la
To, do, do, do, do, do
La, la, la
I’d like to teach the world to sing
