BPD and Relating

This morning I didnt smoke. I was having a good morning. until thinking about seeing ryan and how its like saturday and he hasnt seen me since tuesday or said anything about seeing me the last few days. i immediately went into a intense bpd reaction. when i have those thoughts i belive them. i believe i am seeing facts. that this is the wise thought, reaction and feeling to the situation.i sent angry texts. i wanted to cry. i was overcome with negative emotion and feeling. i felt sick. emotionally exhausted. i couldnt fight it. But i was aware that i was not high and that I was having a bpd reaction. so i got high and ive felt my mind change from being angry and in pain, to feeling almost fine and not caring. i still have residuals of those earlier feelings. and dont want to/havent relaxed into my high brain. the high version of me doesnt see all the evil things and interpretations of someones actions. high me doesnt instantly think someone is lying or tricking me or manipulating me. i take peiple for their word. i trust. i believe they think well of me and like me. im comfortable and happy. but what is the right way to be. which one is right? which one is real? which should i trust?which one should i act upon? now im high i can see how darkly i view other people and their intentions. i immediately go to them bieng up to something that will harm me. my lonliness really peaked too when the BPD got triggered. felt desperate. on the verge of tears. needing someone else. high i am comfortble in me on my own. i was feeling fine with not seeing ryan much recently. until i was sober. that is when the bpd brain looked at the whole sitation and reassesed and acted out.now i wanna be fine with everything.and almost trust it.