i get in these moods where im sober and serious and getting shit done and i think it is the way i need to be/want to be. i think its best for work and for me getting shit done. but then im not hapy and light. im heavy and strickt. my rules and boundaries are hard and i like to enforce them. i dont smile or laugh easy. everything has to be serious.i never know which mind is the right one to be in. too high and silly also means open and positive and creative and light. looser boundaries, being nice just cause i want to not causee anyone desrves it. strict me needs people to earn it and desrve it. its kind of protective. hight standards. more blank. unable to express internal emotion. or maybe i am. this blank, sarcastic, mean cold,aahhh ditatched. its very detatched, i want to be detatched. and flat. its kind of a calm.blank. not impressed. not wanting to make effort. not wanting to be nice to anyone. not wanting to “lighten up”
is this the start of the darkness. is this how it starts. cause it feels strong and positive that i can get shit done and be level and calm but it makes me distant and detatched and i get strickter and less light until i dont want to be light.
as i feel like this it makes me want to keep myself to myself more. as its kind of hard to relax and be light with people. but then i think the isolation again gets to me and makes me want to isolae even more. or is the stricktness, inability to emote etc cause of isolation.
i kind of have period pains right now i wander if that is cause ive been fucjubg up my pill so i am now in pre period week again and that is why i feel like this?
how do i know if im being strong and focused or isokating/being dark and serious cause of pms
i think it may be cause i havent seen people. like ive seen mom but not had any time or conversation since maybe thursday morning. its now saturday, so its only been 2 full days but still. that is longer than most people dont have a real life conversation for. also all the work stuff gives me a imbalance in how much i dont like people. work makes me want a break from people but maybe speaking to real people i like would be better. by trying to protect the state im in and want to maintain, it ends up taking away where I was. and shuts me down.