I have been trying to define my current sexuality for some time now and the best I can come up with is that I have the sexuality of a man. I am striving for that big dick energy of a 40 something rich fat man, laying back, smoking a cigar, making young pretty things do what he wishes, twirl around on his dick and try their hardest to impress him and keep him happy…Dan Bilzarian…even though he isnt fat.
I have been struggling for quite some time with the concept of Female Domination, being a Domme, a Dominatrix, and FemDom. Im not sure when it happened, probably came from repeated interactions online at work, where I realised that the majority of men who want to be dominated, want the role of a dominatrix played out on them. The vast majority of FemDom porn and performers stick to the script. Dress a certain way, behave a certain way, act out certain behaviours and attitudes. Be mean, wear intense outfits, cause pain, humiliate him…all in the way HE wants. HE wants to be treated a certain way and he is making a woman do that to him. Yes the women “want” to domme in that way, cause that was BDSM is. But do they “want” to in the same way they “want” to wear make up or “want” to be empowereed in any of the other ways capitalism and the patriachy has scripted for us? Is the want from a lack of the concept that it could be something else than what already exists.
If you really semantically break down the concept of Female Domination, to me, logically it means where the woman gets to do what SHE wants with the male. Its not a set role, its not even your own interpretation of the available options to pick and mix from. It is letting the woman entirely decide what she wants to do with the male body in front of her. If we have a blank slate on the concept of female dominated sex we can make it what ever each of us wants it to be.
And to me, what I am calling my dominance, is that I get to treat men, like they treat women. I love objectifying them, womansplaining, manipulating them into pushing their boundaries, collecting beautiful conquests, making them try their damn hardest to impress me with their physicality and sexual ability, to use their bodies in ways that feels good for me and my body, even if they arent getting physical pleasure from it, I like to poke and prod and explore, tease and deny, take my time, savour the sensations I’m feeling, and all the while expect him to seem greatful for the sex I am giving him and be convincingly turned on and enjoying it, even if he isnt. I want him to just lay back and let me do most of the work, use the skills I have gained and honed and enjoy using over the 20 years I have been fucking. I like giving pleasure, but in ways I enjoy. I want the man to let the person with the most experience and knowledge on sex run the show, ME. I want them to follow orders I give cause I know best. My orgasm and pleasure comes first, and many many times before theirs is even thought about. I want to make them contribute to a reduction in the orgasm gap. I want the amount of orgasms I have to help re balance that average orgasm inequality for all women. I want them, like many women do, to lie back and let my sex happen onto them. I want to be soft and sensual and sexy, because its how I enjoy intimacy. Unlike many men who do all this with zero awareness of the dominant force their maleness has over all sex acts, I am consciously choosing this male behavior so they get to experience the subtle control and dominance most women have to submit to, even when they are Domming.
Men who want a Domme dont want a woman who does what she wants. They want to have the specific sexual experience that that currently defines. I get that many men and women are perfectly happy with the current manifestations of Female Dominance. But as I like to reconceptualise everything that has ever existed, my interest in reframing sex for women and with the unease with which I associated my sexuality with the traditional role of FemDom, I felt it nessersary to look into other options, ideas and concepts of how women could get pleasure from controlling the sexual situation.
Maybe there is already word or phrase that sums up my sexuality, but I feel like I havent seen a depiction or description of such a sexuality. I guess a close scenario would be more down the lines of sissification. But I dont need men to pretend to be women to treat them like they treat us. Once again that is a performance of a role. The man performing a insulting appropriation of gender and the woman treating him how he wants to be treated. I have seen a camgirl friends videos on pornhub where she is pegging men and does seem to be embodying a similar kind of dominance. A quiet, manipulative control. Maybe when women get to have dicks we embody more of that male dominant behaviour. There could be more examples of my type of control amongst pegging fans maybe. But there definately isnt a recognised term for female led sex that doesnt conjour up leather and whips. And I need that to change. Cause I exist.
I always used to joke that I was a gay man trapped in a womans body because of my sexuality. Even before I liked the kind of control I do now, I still objectified men and collected conquests and had a very open and casual attitude to promiscuity, kink and talking about sex, that I felt more akin to the way men interacted with sex. But I love dick so a gay man seems more fitting.
Because of my level of experience and knowledge on sex, I think all the sex I have should be led by me now. It doesnt have to be the most extreme version of me controlling someone. The basic assumptions about the sexual script we already have where the man is the one to define what happens when and at what pace needs to be ripped up as it is only half of the story. But to most it is the only way sex happens. It is a very subtle shift into understanding how to put down the male concept of sex and let the woman take on the responsibility of being the sexual conductor.
Maybe I need to break some of this down. For example, a man doesnt need to thrust his penis in and out of me. That is him controlling the sex act. Instead, let me use his dick like my toy. I can move around on it more than enough to create sensations I like and can use that dick to make my vagina feel good. Now he may not like a dick soak, or a slow grind, or you experimenting with angles and the subtleness of what the vagina can enjoy and feel may not stimulate the dick in the way they are used to stimulating their dicks. But that is the point. Vaginas normally just get pumped and prodded at cause it makes the dick feel good. They like in and out, friction, forward and back. They think this is what feels good for a woman too cause its the only conception of sex and the source of female sexual pleasure too. But what if that isnt what feels best for my vagina…and it doesnt. What if there are other ways the penis and vagina can interact that actually feel way better to me? That means the hundreds, nay, thousands of times men have used my vagina to make their dick feel good, I just have had to go along with it and make the best of it. Cause pumping the vagina is what sex is and that is all we have to work with. Right? Right? No. Wrong. Sex can be anything you want it to be. So how about women get to spend some time figuring out what they like, what feels good to their vagina, while the man just has to lay there and make the best of the sensations he is recieving. Its called give and take. In sex men give and women take it. No thanks. Not for me any more. There are certain sexual positions or intensity that need more help from the man and still feel good, and we can use our words to ask for it when we want it, not just recieve it when they want to give it, cause fucking a dead fish isnt fun. I dont want them just to starfish. Cause men know sex with women like that are bad. Good sex is reciprocated. But it should be the man mirroring and responding to what I give and do for a change rather than woman having to respond to what a man is giving. There is a ground between just lying back and “letting” someone use your prone body, and taking over and using someone else how you want.
More examples, I dont need you to push my head down to suck your dick. I’ll be pushing your head down when I want your mouth on me. I don’t need to taste myself on your dick or lips. I need to feed you your pre cum and make you taste yourself on me. We dont like the taste of cum any more than you do, but we take it for you. Now its your turn to take it for us. And if you refuse, think its “gay”, too kinky, gross, well then women should boycott ever having your sperm in them or on them again too. Cause we swallow and smile. Even if its fucking disgusting. Just think of all the “norms” expected of men and women during sex and flip them. I am not gonna spend hours primping and preening, getting rid of all my hair, dressing up in cute outfits and doing make up for a dude. Cause they dont do that for us. They may trim and shower. So that is what I will do. But I’m not gonna perform being a woman, I already am one. I dont need you to perform a fake masculinity and dont expect it. You are a man as you are. As I am woman. No more effort needed.
Every step of the male female interaction, look at it, and flip it. See how it sits. Why do men get to do things women can’t and vice versa? There are so many subtle ways in which men dominate women and women choose roles to please men in every part of sex. And I am ready to challenge them all. To experiment and see what happens. See what new possibilities and ideas it opens up. It goes back into my previous writing about matriarchal sex. We know nothing of the possibilities of sex. We know not what Female Dominated sex would be like. We only know the patriarchal scrips that have been refined and reduced to the limited options we have today. It is time for women to find out what their ideas of sex are, how they can enjoy and make the most of the male body and how to reject capitalist patriarchy and actually be empowered and dominant.
