For some time I have wanted to write a follow up to the original piece “We Know Nothing of the Possibilies of Sex” that reconstructs the narrative of sex that I had deconstructed. Something that has come up that I wanted to address was womens complicity in the patriacal suppression of our sexuality. I have shared my first piece with a friend who has shared it with other women and men and bblah blah blah
I knew I neeeded to clarify things when my best friend, an enlightened, spiritual woman, told me she had yet another dissapointing sexual interaction where she couldnt get the man to make love to her in the way we have conceptualised, he still just fucked her, despite her explaining it all to him. He didnt spend time on her pleasure like she now feels entitled to, as should all women. He didnt even “pretend to try”. And she also said “Man, I dunno how you deal with bad sex.” That immediately created a very visceral reaction of shock and disgust. What did she mean? How did she think I was still having bad sex? Did she think I was still lying back and letting random men use my body how they wish, with the slight hope that my pre sex chat about enlightened sexuality would change their minds and how they use their bodies in a brand new way to give me the sex I craved? How could she think that still submitting to men giving her their sex was anything like what I had talked about previously? And then it hit me. Since I conceptualised a space for women to explore their sexuality without man taking the lead with pumping and pounding, squashing and overwhelming, I havent talked about the womens role in creating and using that space. It seems that by calling out the problematic elements of male led sex, it gave the impression that it was a male problem to solve. That is ceratainly the message I got from my friend. “I told them all the ideas and they arent doing the thing I want.” In fact, what I have come to know is that it is the female problem to solve. It is women who perpetuate the sexual norms and discomforts put upon them. I know cause I was doing it myself up until very recently. Until last year when I realised I had no space to give anyone my sex, I have been actively making sure I am the one to make the sex I want.
My responce to how I deal with bad sex:
“I dont have it any more! I dont let people fuck me. I fuck them. I take the lead. I make it the sex I want. I tell them what to do and how to do it. I talk to them before about the kind of sex I like and believe is possible and want to explore. I pick dudes who will listen. I dont ever let anyone just have sex with me. I help myself cum in ways I know I can and enjoy.”
“You need to be the one to have good sex. You need to stop letting them fuck you have they want. Its not a option with me.”
“Take responsibility. Dont let them lead. Dont lie back and let them be men. Make love to them.”
“I make foreplay last as long as I want. I tease. Delay. Verbalize. I tell them off. I use their body the way mine used to be used. They are my toy to lie back and let me use.”
“You wont ever have the sex you want, untill you are the one to have it.”
“They dont deserve it if they cant show you they can understand it. They dont get to give you their sex if they cant comprehend recieving yours. End it. Walk away. Kick them out.”
“If a dude puts his hand on my head, I’ll stop and tell him he is never to do that again. Unless a girl asks. I stop sex to teach them. It gets awkward sometimes. It gets worse before it gets better sometimes. But its worth it.”
“The sex space isnt sacred. Its play, practice.”
“In the moment its not a discussion. They dont feel the need to defend themselves. They want to listen and please you. After, talking about it, the ego comes in. Talking about it theorethically is gonna make them reacting. But instructing sexily is heard. Show, dont tell.”
“If you tease and build up slowly and long, and touch them soft. Stop often. Switch between all their body parts. Dont let them move it forward. They can start to see by example rather than words. Make it fun. I never instruct in a teaching way. Unless they do something toxic. But even then I do things to keep it sexual.”
“When it comes to dick time. Dont let them stick it in. Tease yourself with it. If they try and hold it or put it in I smack their hand away and say “mine”, or “oi thats my toy, let me play with it.” Dont let it all in you in one go. Slowly, Bit by bit.”
“Even if they dont like it. I dont fucking care. Cause they get to be the one not having exactly what they want for change. And I’m ok with that.”
This is where her response triggered some bold realisations.
Her: “But yeah I guess I probably think they’ll get turned off or something”.
Me: “So What? You need to take that step where their pleasure isnt your priority any more.”
“I know there is a fear that stops it. As I had it forever. But its that realization that the fear is of nothing. The sex might end. Their dick might get soft. They might not cum as quick. They might leave. And they are all good things. Cause if that is the reaction, then its worth ending.”
“Its only their pleasure the fear helps maintain. By staying in the fear state you keep your pleasure restricted and theirs a priority. This i why I now feel women are just as complicit in the bad sexual practices as men. We choose to put them first. Our ego does it.”
“All they need is to be open to letting you lead and demonstrate. The dont have to learn new techniques or ideas. They only need to give you space. Actual space so youre not squished under them. To move how you want and need. Space as time. Time to go at your own pace. Space in which they can lay back and recieve your pleasure. That makes it less overwhelming and intimidating and threatening to them. They actually have to do less, not more.”
“A good way to talk about it before is by making a new exciting thing you want to try. You have these ideas but want help practiving and exploring. So it can be a mutual trying out. You dont have to pretend to be confident or know what youre doing. Just be passionate about what you want to achieve.”
So what is it we are trying to achieve. I think a good constructive starting point gained from this interaction is the concept of space. Of men not needing to do anything. Of it being a unlearning rather than a aquisition of new skills. The whole point of my first piece and also the following piece on performative sex, was to find a way where the women aquires a new way of having sex. And in order to do this we need space to practive. I am in a priviledged position of experience and confidence in my body and sexuality and abilities, so I am aware of how much of a smoother transition this exploration has been for me than it may be for others. For example my friends reaction was “I hate going on top.” (its definately not that simple) And “That takes confidence. I’ll work on it.” However due to the transitory nature of my life even I havent had the space to deeply explore these ideas. First time sex is definately a place for give and take, normally its all recieving as a woman, but I make sure there is space for me to give and share. I have aquired this space for myself in specific, focused ways.
I make it clear from the start, often before we meet, that I am in no way interested in submissive play or for perpetuating any toxic male dominated sexual norms, like being “rough”, spanking, hair pulling, pounding, contorting. I dont need to be used. I dont enjoy a “good hard fuck.” And if that isnt ok with them then play is not an option. I express my interest in more female domination fetishes, such as pegging and cei and share my professional experience as well as my passion for quality connections even if it is just for one night. I like younger men too. So all of that combined makes it quite clear that I am a confident woman who knows what she wants and likes and isnt afraid to get it. This ensures a dynamic where they are willing to listen and learn. And a excitemnt and curiousity for what I will be bringing to the bedroom.
If the pre sex hang out has become a many hour long deep expose of our life stories, passions, beliefs and experiences in the world then no doubt I will have also touched upon my theoretical exploration of what matriachal sex may be, my interest in how women might want to use the male body and what sex could be if we stripped away all the stories and cultural conditoning of the last 20,000 years around sex.
To me the male body is a beautiful wonder to explore. Each man and boy I get to play with is a gift to unwrap. Women scientifically need longer build up and stimulation before we are receptive to sex and penetration. And rather than lying back and expecting a man to manually stimulate us in what is typically overly aggressive and fast moving forplay for a duration and way that will get us there, I say its on women to create that foreplay space.
Often as this is first time sex, I let a little natural progression start things off. We start kissing, and the passion kicks in. Grabbing, grinding, he may peal off my shirt or start reaching for the go to parks. He may lay me down and try and put his passion onto to. And I let that happen for a few minutes, seeing what he is bringing to the table. I like to give them their traditional space to start with, cause you never know if they may naturally be in sync with you anyway or what interesting style they might have. Butttt usually after a few minutes of this, I am ready to stop it. They may be moving things forward to quickly, or squashing me under thier body, or being tentative and unsure of what to actually do, nervous or over eager to please. We are usually in some awkward positon, just carrying on so as to not draw attention to the fact that we are finally getting it on. So I break away and tell them its my time to play. I move the extra pillows off my bed, rearrange things, and tell them to make themselves comfortable. I create physical space between us and break the passion in favour of practicality. I am basically setting up so we can make the most of the situation. With them reclined on the bed, I take it all in, my new toy for the night. The beautiful boy i am about to get to play with.
I love skin on skin contact. reveling in the feel of someones skin on mine is the natural first step to meeting their naked self. I peel their shirt off, and mine and press our torsos together. I like to hug and be held, slide my arms over their skin, rub my chest all over them. Rub my cheeks against their stomach and chest. We are animals. We should mate like animals. I inhale their smells. Their neck, their chest, their armpits, thier hips. I lay beside them and use my hands and fingertips to carress their body, finding soft spots, senstive places. I start using my mouth too. Tasting, sucking, licking, nibbling, kissing. I put my hands in thier hair. Kiss thier faces. I use and move my body erotically against them in ways that make me feel sexy and feminine, arched back, sliding my body over his. I get ontop and grind myself on the hardening lump in his pants. He doesnt need to lie back like a dead fish. He reacts, makes noises, gets tickelish, gets frustrated, strokes my skin, kisses me back, moves his body against mine, holds me, kisses my neck, sucks on my nipples when i give them to him.
Grinding against pants and often belt buckles and having a dick squished at a weird angle is uncomfortable for both of us. They often go to pull off their pants and underwear for me. But I stop them. I sit back and slowly unbuckle, unbutton, unzip. I start to pull down their pants and make sure they keep their boxers on. I get off him and tell him to get them off, as I remove mine, again keeping my underwear on. Then he can lay back and let me take it all in again. Now we can feel the skin of our legs against each other as well as our torsos. Again I revel in the skin on skin contact and make the most of the small subtle pleasures this affords, slowing things back down. I go back to rubbing my body against his in all the ways I can to feel all of him, moving in ways that make me feel sexy. Stroking, grabbing, licking, biting.
Meeting the penis is a very exciting moment for me. I like to build it up. Tease myself with it. I run my hands over their boxers, avoiding my goal. Along the line of the elastic over their hips. I use my lips and tongue to tease them and find their sensitive spots. I rub their legs, up to the inner thigh. I pull the waistband lower and lower towards their cock. I marvel at the wet patch forming on their underwear. And maybe, eventually, I use my finger tips to get my first feel of their hard cock, stroking through their boxers. I build and build with this play till I’m the one that cant wait any longer, until I am desperate to finally see their cock. I lift the waistband and pop it out with the satisfying thwack of hard cock against stomach, and pull them down, leaving him naked, exposed and hard, aching for more. Kneeling between his legs I slowly start to meet his penis. I talk to it. Use my finger tips to feel the smooth skin stretched over the hard muscle. Wipe up any precum oozing from the tip, taste it. And finally wrap my hand around it to feel all of it. I dont start “wanking” the cock or manually stimualting it in any way. I treat it like the rest of his body I was just exploring, and I go back to other parts I enjoyed, like hips, arm pits, neck. With my panties still on, I can place myself on top so his hard exposed cock can comfortably sit between us while i feel him against my pussy. I get down between his legs, so Im face level with his dick. I dont try and lie next to him so I can kiss and reach down and grope and fondle in uncomfortable positions, awkwardly trying to offer pleasure while maintaining the configuration of sexual norms. I use my face and hands, lips and mouth gently and slowly to explore the penis and often my natural desire to feel it in my mouth takes over and I slip it inside. I dont give a blow job. Im not “good” at sucking dick. I use the dick and my mouth in ways that feel good. I run the tip over my lips, slide my mouth along the shaft, i tickle it with my tongue, I suck on it so I can feel the hardness and smooth skin. I explore his balls and taint. Back to his hips and nips. I start sucking on it, getting more and more passionate and him getting more and more into it, and then stop. I sit back. I fix my hair. Get some water. Smile. Let him know I’m taking my time on purpose. And then go back for more. Over and over. As much or as little as I want.
By now my pussy will be dripping. Litterally. Running down my thighs. Spending all this time on his body, in the ways I enjoy, turns me on way more than a stranger prodding and poking at my pussy with his fingers and tongue in the only ways he knows how, ever could. First time foreplay isnt often going to be what you like. The preconcieved ideas of what foreplay are are already too fast and furious for a woman, going from 0 to vaginal penetration asap in order to stimulate the areas that shouldnt even be touched until we are ready, not to get us ready. Rubbing clitoris, inserting fingers, tongues and mouths on pussies, isnt foreplay, that is sex. This is foreplay. Getting the vagina ready and excited and aching to be touched. Not flogging dead meat to liven it up ready for a cock.
Now, now that Ive built myself up, turned myself on, enjoyed getting to know their bodies, shared examples of touch and time and space that isnt normally available in a first time hook up and feel fully ready, then, then I give them access to my body. As simple as saying “lets switch”, or “your turn”, I lie back next to them and give them space to make a move. This is where things can vary a lot. And this is where I am still open to a lot of dissapointment and get to learn how bad most people are at sex and how little they actually take on board of new ideas. Some, think this means its time to penetrate me. Even though I still have my panties on. Even though they still havent touched my pussy. Some do the standard, uncomfortbale reach down to manually stimulate my pyssy in ways that will always be bad cause they cant see it, or have free hands to access it. Some occasionally grasp the idea of giving back what they just got and like to tease and tickle, kiss and lick. Even more occassionally I get the same quality oral I give. Some elicit orgasms, most dont. Never does anyone plant themselves between my thighs and get their hands and mouths at a comfotable level, to slowly, gently and inquisistively explore my vagina in the way I just met thier penis. They treat my pussy like its as resilient as thier dicks. So I offer constructive criticism and guiding hands on the position or placement of their hands or mouths. I am blown away every single time by how the vagina becomes just the clitoris or vaginal canal. I have outer lips, groin, inter thighs, hips, pubic mounds. It has been known for a decade that the clitoris extends down the sides of the vagina and is able to be stimulated from the outer lips. Yoni massage is a thing on porn sites as well as sexual wellness information online. However, even after explaining how the whole body needs to be a part of sex, and with all this not even that new information on how to stimulate the pussy, only the inner pink slit is ever explored with a touch that is never gentle or exploritory enough.
There will be a moment when penetration is going to be the next step. I dont always get to move this forward the way I want, remeber this is first time sex with a stranger, but in a ideal world, they can lie back again and let me be the one to find the best way to insert the large hard foreidn object inside of me, rather than letting them poke and prod into a unknown space. My ideal way is to use thier cock, again like i did with it through their underwear and slide my pussy up and down the length of their hard shaft, letting my wetness spread over them. I let the tip tickle my inner lips and poke gently at my entrance. My clit rubs against thier stomach as I get used to the feel of their hard cock against my pussy. I tease over and over the tip at the entrance. If I can use thier cick like this to build myself up even more, I can experience a orgamsn when I finally feel them inside me. If they try and guide the cock inside me I swat their hand away and thell them its mine. That I want to do it my way. And eventually when I cant wait any more, not them, i let it slide in, millimeter at a time, slowly, letting my body get used to this foreign intrustion. I revel in the feeling of stretching around him, feeling how hard he is inside me, seeing how much I can fit inside, sliding down till i am filled up. And then, hold. As is customary, this is where they think they can start pumping at it. Wrong. This is where my vagina needs to get used to and enjoy the feeling of them insed me, filling me up, sretching me. The amazing, full, satisfying manly feeling of them inside me. Its heaven. I dont need it pumping in and out to really enjoy the sensations. I need it still so i can feel it, squeeze it, grind down further, deeper, fuller, feel my clit against them. Then slowly slowly we can explore movement.
