ive been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. i have been struggling to feel like myself and adjusting to spending all my time with family after just getting used to being alone and figuring out who i am and what i want. i struggle to adjust and i struggle with how i behave in this adjustment period. i have just re read the writing ive done since ive been with family and its a lot of me explaining myself and asking why things are the way they are. i didnt enjoy re reading them and thought they sounded very juvenile. my friend warned me that we regress when we are with family and i thought id gotten to a place where this wouldnt happen again. but it kind of has. i have 6 weeks more of vacation here where i get to enjoy a leisurely day to day. 6 weeks till i have to start doing my next real life again. where i get to put more of my ideas into practice.
we have been driving all over southern florida. back and forth. down the the keys. and camping in state parks. we have seen lots of stuff and not done much. basically bus life. which was the point. i worry about my lack of productivity. but i cant really turn on that side of myself when im around family. i did back in england a bit. but it took me months to get that comfortable. im barely comfortable fitting that work/lifestyle in bus life at all. so its understandable. but i still worry about letting the motivation slip away. will i be able to flick a switch and have that part of me back when i want and need it? it was gone for a very long time and it was so good to have back. this time is also solidifying my decisions about what i want and i am excited about being unleashed to try this out later this year.
there hasnt been much to write home about in terms of fun stories. i have “too many temples-itis” i think. i have seen so much new stuff and travelled so far the last few months that i cant be amazed at the moment. i am just taking it in. there are tens of alligators i pass daily in the park we are staying in now and it doesnt quite sink in. ive been on beautiful hikes and its still hard work and i dont feel like taking photos of all the new beautiful vistas i encounter. but ive felt this conflicting the whole time ive travelled. i love that my every day is awe-some. but i also love that every day doesnt have to be awe-some. i have chosen to live a life where every day is like a holiday, where i see new and amazing and beautiful things. i dont take it for granted but i also cant be like a tourist forever. i am very appreciative that i have made my daily life this beautiful and exciting. i want to remember every place and thing i see and do, but i cant visually archive my whole life. i already have way too many unedited projects and ideas i havent started yet to think i will be able to consolidate all of the material i collect. and part of the point of this lifestyle is to live in the moment. to experience it 100%. i want to absorb and enjoy moments rather than record them and distract from them all the time. i want a balance of both. to document enough to remember real, lived and experienced moments.
i have tindered a bit but obviously not met up with anyone. it is so frustrating. but i also know if i really wanted to i could meet up with someone.